Leikela Posted January 14, 2003 Share Posted January 14, 2003 [color=indigo] I have been with my boyfriend 3 months now. Everything between us is really great and healthy except for one thing. He is uncomfortable with any kind of public affection. I am not talking about making out in front of people, but simple stuff like holding hands or resting my head on his shoulder, etc... The thing is that usually when he drinks he is more apt to express some form of affection to me in public. That leads me to believe that there is definitely a comfortablitily level involved here for some reason. His parents aren't affectionate at all and when I spoke to him about this, he told me a lot of it had to do with him not having that behavior as a role model. He told me he doesn't know why it makes him feel so uncomfortable. He said that even when he sees other couples engaging in this type of behavior that he feels uncomfortable. However, there have been times where he has been affectionate in public. It has boggled my mind. Why would someone have this type of issue? Behind closed doors, he is one of the most affectionate people I know. I just don't understand... I feel as though some kind of public affection is important to a relationship. It is a way to bond and express love without saying a word. He promised me that he would work on it and eventually be able to do it. Is this a realistic expectation or am I just wasting my time? Thanks for any feedback... [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Haley Posted January 15, 2003 Share Posted January 15, 2003 Most men I have dated have been like this. And quite frankly, I prefer things that way. It is a real turn off to see couples acting like lovesick puppies in public - there is a place and a time, people! Especially when you are out with friends. Sometimes couples go too far with the PDA and it is downright disrespectful. Even the holding of hands to me seems quite childish. Let alone snuggling while you're waiting to cross the street. Drives me crazy! I don't think I have a "problem" just because I prefer to display acts of physical affection in private. In fact, I think it makes things better. When you have spent a night out with friends my boyfriend and I usually can't wait to get home and get stuck into each other! I'm not sure I helped you, I just thought I'd voice my opinion. In any case it seems like your boyfriend is willing to change for you and that is a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 15, 2003 Share Posted January 15, 2003 Many men are raised to be macho and not to show their feelings...especially to other men. That's why they are likely to be a lot more demonstrative and affectionate in private than in public. You're not likely to change him. Live with it. You can make the sacrifice as long as he truly cares about you and gives you what you need when the two of you are alone. Now, if you absolutely need hugs and your hands to be held in public...which I see no problem with...and this guy won't do it, you have no choice but to find a guy who will be OK with that. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 15, 2003 Share Posted January 15, 2003 Originally posted by Leikela [color=indigo]He said that even when he sees other couples engaging in this type of behavior that he feels uncomfortable. However, there have been times where he has been affectionate in public. It has boggled my mind. Why would someone have this type of issue? Behind closed doors, he is one of the most affectionate people I know. I just don't understand...[/color] You don't have to understand, but I think its important to know that it's not wrong to NOT display affection in public. I think it's sweet that he has tried for you. I think its unrealistic to try to change him. I am not a demonstrative person and I would not appreciate my husband trying to change me or make me do something that I'm not comfortable with, or telling me that what I am feeling is somehow wrong. I also am uncomfortable with PDA from other couples. I can't explain why, but I am and I'm not going to change. It's not wrong to want public displays of affection either, like holding hands, but I think you need to decide if this is a relationship breaker, or if its something you can live with, or compromise on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leikela Posted January 15, 2003 Author Share Posted January 15, 2003 [color=indigo] Thanks to all of you who replied. You all have good points. I didn't look at it as trying to change him but I guess in a way it is if I am telling him it bothers me. He is the one that offered to change and told me he could change. I know it is a really hard thing to change and I am not naive to the fact that it might never get any better. Right now I am going to focus on just loving him and feeling out the rest. No pun intended. hee hee.... Thanks again for the feedback. [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
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