Crazy-in-love vs. She was good to me..

[Johnny B]

.

 

 

obviously you meet a lot of women and you have only selected a few to become involved with. does that not have any bearing with you?

you will never find a PERFECT woman. EVER.

you will never find a woman who meets all of your needs.

that is not a womans place to meet all of your needs.

that is gods place.

 

 

 

I am sorry for your loss.

 

This was a good post. Thank you. I realize this. You are right, but remember... I don't have regret with all of those other women, nor do I wish I would have made a bigger effort with some of them... EVEN the ones that were really amazing. I am certain they were not for me.

 

But bear with me on this reasoning now......

 

My judgement has never steered me wrong.

I have relied on it and have been confident with my choices. However today I question whether my judgement was accurate.. even though at the time I broke up with her, I was certain it was a good choice.

 

Let me repeat... CERTAIN !! I want everyone to understand that.... Why go against what I thought was a good decision at the time?

 

So why am I struggling? I'm wondering if that path of relying on my gut (which has always been right) perhaps was not right this time.... Maybe I misjudged this situation and my life with this girl? Maybe it was a mistake.

 

Is this a possibility? It could be, and if so.. where does that leave me going forward ??? :/

[Trialbyfire]

It leaves you with the option to go on, to find someone else. She's not the only girl in the world, although right now you feel that way because you've lost her. In some ways, I wonder if it's ego speaking more. She was always there for you and you learned to rely on that. What you feel is the loss of that security, not saying you don't honestly care about her because you do.

 

Let her be happy with who she has now. Let her go. If she wants back with you, she'll come back on her own. You need to focus on you right now and decide if there's anything you need to change about yourself to make you happy on your own two feet.

 

Btw, polywog, I did some of those free tests and almost fell off my chair. I enjoy horoscopes as a fun thing to do but man, it hit every single thing.

[amaysngrace]

I really think it's because you have more feelings in your heart than before. And it's fcking with your mind. If you knew it was right to break up with her then trust that. Don't second guess yourself. Nothing's going to erode your esteem quicker. And then what kind of woman will you attract?? Certainly you won't get the one you want back. She wants a confident man, one who knows what he wants and does what he needs to do to get what he wants and then does whatever needs to be done to keep what he wants.

 

Look forward, not back. For your own well-being look to tomorrow. Accept that there are things you can't change. Should've could've and would've don't matter now. The point is you Didn't. See that you could have done more and do it the next time. If she were worth it to you then you should've could've and would've done anything in your power to keep her. You Didn't.

 

Trust yourself. Learn that life is full of paths. You were on a path and chose to get off of that path. Trust that you know what's best for your life. And know that everything happens for a reason.

 

Living in the past is robbing you of enjoying happiness today. You are thinking too much about your feelings. Trust that you felt what you felt towards her for a reason. You may not know why you didn't feel it for her when you did but in a year or two from now it's all going to make sense.

 

Trust yourself to call the shots in your life. Put the past behind you and look forward to the future.

[krzr]

Then BAM .. she finds someone and although she wants to keep me as a friend, I can't handle it. I cant be friends with her b/c anything that was hiding inside before has come out now that I lost her.

 

could it just be that now you want what u cant have and its got nothing to do with love or the one but just want your ego stroked some more like u previously did?

 

how do u really think it would play out if you did get her back? would u lose interest in her after a few weeks or months if you did? look within and reply if u think u would then she probably is not the one and u should not regret lossing her.

[polywog]

I'm sorry ploywog, I'm not giving out my birthday. It's not you, it's just that I don't post personal stuff like that here. I like to be anonymous.

 

That website was so dead on it creeped me a little. I did the relationship one with my BF and it was so true. I had my chart done a while ago. I think astrology is interesting.

 

Have you ever paid that website for a full report? I'd like to get one but only if it's worth it.

 

At the risk of getting off topic for a second, no I haven't paid for any of the reports because I've had my chart done and have books by the people on that site so I look my own stuff up a lot. But I can tell you that the astrologers on that site are the best of the best in my opinion, esp. Robert Hand.

 

Yes, I think the reports would be worth it, because the authors are the best in the business. My first job after college was in a bookstore owned by an astrologer. We had the same birthday and I think that's why he hired me, though he denies it. I learned a LOT about astrology while I was there, despite being a skeptic. That site is really pretty great, more serious than other sites. Kinda creepy, actually!

 

Anyhow, one of the other good sites had me and my recent ex as nearly perfect matches, and it ended, for what that's worth!

 

Ok, end of thread-jack.....apologies to JB....

[Storyrider]

Not to seem cynical, but don't you think the dumpee always wants the dumper back? It could be that simple.

[amaysngrace]

Not to seem cynical, but don't you think the dumpee always wants the dumper back? It could be that simple.

 

Um...that is simple except it's not the way this one is. He's the dumper. She's the dumpee.

[Trialbyfire]

Um...that is simple except it's not the way this one is. He's the dumper. She's the dumpee.

I think that's storyrider's point.

[Johnny B]

Not to seem cynical, but don't you think the dumpee always wants the dumper back? It could be that simple.

 

Well, she tried pretty darn hard for 3 months after the breakup ... she stopped when she met her new b/f.

[CaliGuy]

Ok, I need to look at this from a different angle. Maybe all of you can help me. For those who've not been following me and helping me along on this... quick recap....

 

I have SEVERE dumpers remorse over the girl I broke up with last August. She tried to get me back for 3 months, but I wasn't having it. She found someone else in December and has been with him since. She doesn't want me back despite all my VERY SINCERE efforts.

We work together and have been NC now for over 2 weeks now. Mainly b/c she's visiting him at the moment in Australia on his business assignment. And before she left I told her that I had enough of her stringing me along, ESPECIALLY after he left. I told her I was done with her games.

 

Today, however I want to analyze why I broke up with her. In my past I've usually been the breaker-upper. I break up with someone when I feel like it's just not there between us... and I have dated some really amazing girls. And 2 in particular were really good to me.. Marriage material if you will or at least LTR material.

 

But I dont regret breaking up with them, its this girl thats killing me....

 

Looking back, this girl was exceptionally good to me. She also had lots of what i was looking for looks, very smart, witty, great conversationalist, personality.

 

I admit that a lot the problems we had stemmed from me. I can be insecure, a bit too arrogant, and thinking the grass is always greener (probably b/c I've never had problems meeting women).

 

I've never really had a LTR b/c my thinking is... If that SPARK is not there, or that feeling that no matter what you cannot let this person go, then why extend the relationship? This person must NOT be for me!

 

I don't lead girls on... I end it completely when I come to this decision. And I never to FWB. NEVER.

 

So I will say that I never fell for anyone ... I've never been in love .... so what's my deal here?

 

I'm struggling with the fact that b/c I never wanted or felt the desire to have an LTR or want to keep someone, then she's just not the one.

 

BUT THIS GIRL... DID have everything! At least looking back, all I see are my faults and the bad things that I brought to the relationship. I would say that she put in at least 70% and I put in 30%. Why didn't I want to put in more???

 

Why do I think she had everything now but not at the time? Could I have been THAT blind to what I had?

 

This is why I've asked all of you..... How do you know what love is? How do you know when it's real?

 

If you find someone who has all of the qualities above AND is exceptionally good to you.... IS that enough to want a relationship? Is that what we should look for? Is that when we should say WOW.. she's the one?

 

I dont know because the WOW, SPARK, head over heels, cant think of anything else feeling is a mystery to me. I never had it. Admittedly, I never had it with her either.

 

So I'm stuck btw my hurt over someone who had all of these great, great qualities and was sooo committed to making us work AND was very, very good to me..... with the fact that I don't think I was CRAZY IN LOVE at the time.

 

So why am I like this... did I just not find the ONE. Is she out there? I'm 27, yes, I know that's pretty young and theres more life to live but... I do EVENTUALLY want to settle down and meet someone to have a family. And I've never thought about these things until now.

 

Only now do I feel like I've fixed my issues and the baggage I brought to that relationship... I KNOW i'm a better, more mature, more secure person.

 

Anyway just wanted to know what all of you thought about why I'm struggling so hard with this....

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

I'm just guessing here Johnny but I am 99% sure the reason you want her is because you CAN NOT have her.

 

When you had her, you didn't want her.

You didn't realize how GREAT she was until she found someone else.

 

See what I am getting at? You've put her a pedestal since she found someone else. There were many reasons why you ended it but you're selectively forgetting why.

 

If you have no problem meeting other women, why aren't you back in the game and forgetting about her? At least, can't you find another job?

[Storyrider]

I'm just guessing here Johnny but I am 99% sure the reason you want her is because you CAN NOT have her.

 

When you had her, you didn't want her.

You didn't realize how GREAT she was until she found someone else.

 

That is what I meant.

[Johnny B]

See what I am getting at? You've put her a pedestal since she found someone else. There were many reasons why you ended it but you're selectively forgetting why.

 

I think so although, in hindsight, it looks like those reasons were petty and immature (a reflection of myself at the time). I KNOW I could have worked on my issues, but I didnt want to b/c it's all about ME. I was selfish I know that now.

 

It's always about what the other person can do for me... man do I hate how I was. I'm serious. I was such an immature/selfish person. For all of my relationships going forward, I have learned a great deal. I have learned that I had many, many faults and I have recognized those issues and addressed them.

 

I fear that she could have been the one, but b/c I was stuck in my ways... I lost all.

 

 

If you have no problem meeting other women, why aren't you back in the game and forgetting about her? At least, can't you find another job?

 

Get back in the game? If I could have 100 women right now, that would not come close to replacing how I feel about this girl now. EVEN IF my feelings are a manifestation of not being able to have her.

I could go out today and find someone to physically fill this void... but that would make me feel even WORSE!

 

I know it. I'm not ready for it right now... I still need to heal and work through this.

 

Also, my job. I really cannot leave right now. 1. because of this job assignment to Europe I'm about to take, and 2. I have really established myself here. For what I do, this is a company that many desire to work at. It is a fortune 100 company and on many top 20 lists for 'best places to work.'

 

Bottom line.. I really, really like it here... It cannot be wise to let her or this situation make me change my career path for the worse.

 

The unfortunate thing is that I think she also has a desire to stay here long term... So this situation has no real end for me.

 

I will say this.. in the time she's been away... it has been slightly easier to get through the day. Out of sight, out of mind has always been my mantra. It does work, but I know that I will have to face the music again soon.

 

J

[CaliGuy]

I think so although, in hindsight, it looks like those reasons were petty and immature (a reflection of myself at the time). I KNOW I could have worked on my issues, but I didnt want to b/c it's all about ME. I was selfish I know that now.

 

Ok, so now that you have grown up and matured, you need to realize that what happened with this relationship was meant to TEACH you something about yourself. She still may not be the right woman for you but until you stop thinking about the past those improvements you have been making won't set in.

 

It's always about what the other person can do for me... man do I hate how I was. I'm serious. I was such an immature/selfish person. For all of my relationships going forward, I have learned a great deal. I have learned that I had many, many faults and I have recognized those issues and addressed them.

 

Then the relationship with her had done it's job. Not all relationships are meant to work out. They are meant to teach us something for when we do meet the right one.

 

Value what you have learned.

Apply it to your next relationship.

 

You'll be glad you did.

 

I fear that she could have been the one, but b/c I was stuck in my ways... I lost all.

 

That's the greatest fear we all have. That we won't meet someone else. The truth is everyone eventually meets someone else. Everyone experiences a loss. The difference is those who succeed have learned something and apply it to the next relationship until eventually they find the right one. Time is on your side. What's the rush?

 

Get back in the game? If I could have 100 women right now, that would not come close to replacing how I feel about this girl now. EVEN IF my feelings are a manifestation of not being able to have her.

I could go out today and find someone to physically fill this void... but that would make me feel even WORSE!

 

I still think your mind has made this woman into something much more than she really is.

 

I know it. I'm not ready for it right now... I still need to heal and work through this.

 

Healing means NC. NC means not only no physical contact with her but also to put her out of your mind. No looking at her myspace, no looking for excuses to talk to them or interact. Heck, if I can bail and tell friends that "I don't think it's a good idea for me to hang out with my ex" then you can do it. It's not hard. It's all about SELF RESPECT.

 

Also, my job. I really cannot leave right now. 1. because of this job assignment to Europe I'm about to take, and 2. I have really established myself here. For what I do, this is a company that many desire to work at. It is a fortune 100 company and on many top 20 lists for 'best places to work.'

 

Bottom line.. I really, really like it here... It cannot be wise to let her or this situation make me change my career path for the worse.

 

The unfortunate thing is that I think she also has a desire to stay here long term... So this situation has no real end for me.

 

I will say this.. in the time she's been away... it has been slightly easier to get through the day. Out of sight, out of mind has always been my mantra. It does work, but I know that I will have to face the music again soon.

 

J

 

Then you will have to learn to deal with it. But whatever you do, when and if you see her at work just smile, be friendly and cordial but do not find an excuse to talk to her. You're happy and BUSY without her.

 

Right?

 

Yes.

[Johnny B]

From a post I thread-jacked... my apologies Pope...

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Island Girl

 

Truth is they got entirely too weak and spineless. Clingy and needy.

The usual is it'd be sweet at first - but you know that old saying "be careful what you wish for". I didn't really wish for it but it did happen and essentially I made it happen.

 

So at first it would be romantic and sweet. Then it would be too much and I would start to feel smothered. Then I'd have to break it off.

 

I'd take them back sometimes because they'd regain they're composure (and backbone) a little bit, I would think missing a lot of the attention meant I missed them (at least that is what I'd tell myself because they were SO wonderful to me that I really should feel privileged - all my friends were always saying "you're so lucky! He's so great!"), but alas no.

 

 

Ok, I need to understand this. Isn't this what girls want?

 

In the case of my EX... I believe the man you describe above is EXACTLY what she has now and what she is choosing over me.

 

She claims that after been treated like dirt her entire life by men, she is thankful and happy to have someone treat her like 'gold.' Even though she admittedly said she loves him, but not head over heels in love with him. And although she likes a man with an ego (confidence), sometimes it's good not to have that to deal with (current b/f).

 

Hmmm.. I wonder how long that will stay interesting?

 

Just to digress a moment.. she really turned up the contact on me the SAME DAY her b/f left for the job assignment. It sparked my interest so I played along for a bit, but alas, she was only looking to have her cake and eat it too. She was just looking to have me as a friend.

 

That's why about 3 weeks ago.. I seriously told her it was enough. I was tired of her games and stringing me along. She claimed that she was struggling with her decision and that she wishes she could combine the best of both of us (how selfish of her, right?)

 

So I simply said, "I'm going to make the decision for you so now you dont have to struggle with YOUR decision. I'm done" That was our last communication.

 

Anyway, she said she doesn't want to give up her 'good thing' for a 'what-if' (me). Even though deep down I know that we shared passion and a connection that I really don't think she has right now, rather it is a comfortable/safe relationship.

 

Yes, I'm overanalyzing this and i really don't know how she really feels about her new b/f... but it's kind of the impression I get.

 

Just wondering .... Are all women like you? I thought women want strong / confident / independent men? I was all of these things I just messed up along the way... I wasn't bad to her.. but more that I just didn't appreciate what I had. Now I realize though, it's probably one and the same

 

I dont know maybe she really does have what she wants now... maybe this 'type' of guy fits better with her than I did. Maybe she really loves him and I am just history and had my chance...

 

I don't know but this post really sparked my interest.

 

thanks,

J

[Island Girl]

Oh gosh where to start -- this is probably going to be a couple of posts

 

I'll let you know my thoughts because I don't have a lot of time and then go back to point by point from your posts Johnny. I hope that is okay with you.

 

TBF and CaliGuy are right. There may be others who echo the same idea but I don't remember off-hand to give credit where credit is due.

 

You don't love her. She has just become idealized.

 

You have gone through a change in your romantic outlook. You are now more ready than you ever have been to fall in love.

 

And you are right - as are some of the other posters - you haven't been in love yet.

 

And when it does happen it is like a ton of bricks and I disagree with at least one poster who said you choose it.

 

You don't. Not for people like us.

 

You have always been able to go out with attractive, accomplished women - right?

 

Same here. I've always had a boyfriend and they have all had egos such as yours and for good reason...they were all handsome, athletic, intelligent, - you get my point.

 

They are jsut blips on the radar screen. I do not have remarkable tremendous memories of those relationships. They weren't spectacular to me. Usually when I have spoken to them they remember all the details and I remember very very little.

 

You hit a transitional phase. You are maturing in a different way now.

 

This is a milestone and it has caused you to subconsciously evaluate what you do want and that you do not want to remain disconnected - and alone.

 

So you are idealizing this woman. She has become in a sense symbolic of what you want which is a fulfilling relationship.

 

I'll echo CaliGuy here when I tell you it is only because you can't have her.

 

Sure she is attractive and intelligent - she has a lot going for her but you don't love her. You'd have known it when you were with her.

 

The 2x4 thing happened to me - finally - at 32 years old.

 

There were a lot of quality guys and they loved me but I never loved them.

 

It wasn't until I took a step back and was out of a relationship (I never had been for very long before. In fact there was usually one waiting in the wings when one ended - another one began) that I began MY change.

 

And it was internal. Not a choice but a metamorphosis that just happened.

 

My husband was a male version of me. Having just about any woman he wanted for a long long time - and then wham! He met me.

 

I know you said you worry that you won't feel it.

 

But I can tell you that I was worried about that same thing - my husband wasn't worried about it he just accepted it and was fine with that.

 

We love with a very real intensity. Strangers can see it and come up to us all the time. They have from the very beginning.

We have weathered storms that would have broken 99% of the couples out there without a waiver or real thought that we would not be together.

 

I do not regret having never loved before.

 

My first love happened late in life for a reason - it is pure without that history of heartbreak that can make one fearful or walled off from another.

 

It is like anyone would describe a first love - except with a level of maturity, respect, understanding, and a willingness that is often lost after that first love and heartbreak so many others go through.

 

We really have an amazing appreciation for what we have. Because it is something we grew to long for and have now achieved.

 

I know you are feeling what you think is broken hearted. But it is actually just a realization of emptiness that you never really knew was there. It is an open space now ready for someone to fill it.

 

The first impulse is the fear that the space will be there forever. And it is scary to feel so alone - wanting a deep connection suddenly - and of course your first thought is it is her. But you would have felt it. Undeniably.

 

She has a lot of the qualities you really are looking for but she is missing whatever that mysterious thing is - and you'll know it when you have it.

 

But The One is in the future - not the past. This relationship was somehow the catalyst for the change. But your ex isn't The One.

 

No one you have met so far is The One. They have all been steps to get a picture together of what you are looking for - the general qualities.

 

That extra something is going to be a mystery until you have it.

 

And you may not find it for a little while. But it is SO worth the wait.

 

Sorry -- this touched a nerve -- I may have rambled a little bit.

[Johnny B]

Wow.. Thank you Island girl. There are so many gifted counselors on this site. I don't know where so many of us would be without the wisdom you bestow upon us. It is us who are blessed with your presense.

 

Ramble? You must be joking... The more people write, the more I learn, the more I know and the more I WANT to know.

 

I don't even know where to begin my own post. I think partially because everyone has been so accurate with their analyses that I can only concur with all of you.

 

I've heard from many people, over and over again that I did not love her. That this is a manifestation of not being able to have her anymore. I don't usually get rejected. COMBINED with the fact that I work with her (so that it is in my face everyday) and that she DID have qualities that I want in a woman. BUT she just didn't have that extra mysterious something that makes you know its real.

 

So I've been struggling with that. Not knowing what that mysterious thing is and also not liking the person I was and regretting some of the hurtful things I may have said or done to her. I can't take those things back.

 

I wanted to make it up to her. I wanted to show her. I did the whole song and dance. I wrote long emails. Sent her flowers on V-day (im sure her b/f wondered who they were from) and continuously told her that I've learned from my mistakes and wanted a second chance, but she had moved on. A lesson to everyone... people move on. It just sucks that she found this guy so soon and how it might be the one for her. I guess that's life.

 

It's funny how you do all the things that you're SUPPOSED to do when it's too late. I probably came off as the exact opposite of the things that she was attracted to. I'm sure I looked needy, sad and pathetic. I'm sure she wondered where the strong, confident, arrogant guy went. I'm sure she ate it up.. because she is the female version of me. Strong, confident, arrogant. I was stroking her ego... just as she stroked mine in the months she persued me. Perhaps these 2 personalities would have always clashed.

 

I think it's that lack of closure of not being able to show her who I am today that hurts the most. It hurts that I think she found the guy she wants to marry, it's not just some other guy. It's her ONE. And if so, by deduction... I wasn't the ONE for her. Forget about her being the one for ME. One anomoly that I may never figure out is that she admittedly was always attracted to guys like me, but this guy is the total opposite. Can that last? Who knows... maybe she's had enough of it... maybe she's old enough to be fed up with the bad boys and settle down with the safe bet who treats her well. If so, who am I to fight that. It's her life, her decision. I still think about her though.. admittedly a lot. I guess it's natural b/c like you said.. she now symbolizes this change... therefore, I'm thinking that she's the ONE. Even if she's not.. I still miss her.

 

Actually, now that I think of it, maybe she had been looking for the wrong guys. She always got hurt by the ones like me (including me). Now she realizes that the big ego guys can be jerks and that the nice guys are worth keeping. Well what can I say... good for her then. She should be happy.

 

The only thing is that I'm not that 'jerk' anymore... I would love to get the opportunity to show her the new me. IF a second chance occurs and doesn't work out, I'll know that it's not from lack of sincere effort on my part. I wouldn't throw out a second chance like many guys do. But you know what... IF that second chance ever comes... I'm sure it would happen when I'm OVER this whole thing. It seems to always work out like that. They always seem to know.

 

Honestly though... I go about my day as if those 2 will end up together. I HAVE to think that way b/c it's the only way to just move forward. When you cling to hope, you don't move on.. You stuck in a rut and I have too much to live for to be stuck anywhere.

 

I think that she WAS brought into my life to initiate this change. I think I can accept that... I just wish I didn't have to see her everyday with her new b/f... it's like hey, I learned my lesson.. can you 2 just go away now???

 

All of this is very cathartic.. it feels good to write on here and talk to all of you... it's all the other times that hurt. I wish I didn't have to feel this pain. If it's not heartbreak, then I don't know what it is, but it still hurts.

 

Then again.. pain can be good. It can make you grow. I'm realizing this. I'm realizing that if I did not meet her and if things did not transpire exactly how they have, then I would never joined this sight... In fact right now, I'd probably be out looking for my next 'short term relationship.'

 

I'm done with that... it doesn't mean I'm looking for a wife, a girlfriend or even a hookup right now. I need to be by myself right now and I've usually been single. So I'm used to it.. It's kind of funny how this is the first time that it feels strange.. that I actually long for companionship.

 

Maybe I'm different.. I would admit that I was that 'Player' type of guy and I reveled in it. There are probably a long line of broken hearts behind me. It wasn't my intention but it was just who I was and how it happend. I never began dating a girl and thought, I'm going to get what I can and leave. I always wanted to see what could happen.... but that SPARK just never showed itself.. I never said WOW, she is amazing and I cannot lose her.

 

I hope it's out there for me. I would say that at my age, the majority of people have at least loved once. That's why I began to wonder, what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm incapable of this feeling. I was beginning to worry. In fact I'm still worried and right now I still feel in a strange way that we could have been more than we were....

 

But guess what? Without knowing what I know know... she and I would have broken up down the road anyway. I would not know the things I know today. I would not have wanted to bettermyself. I would not have strengthened the relationships in my family and with my friends.

 

I know I'm a better person today.. although right now is still my transition phase. My metamorphisis. I realize this. I'm eager to see how great I turn out (oops! is that my big ego floating back ) !!!

 

Seriously though... I feel enlightened. I hate to see what kind of self destructive path I would have continued on with out going through this. Then again, it isn't like I've missed out on anything. I've had my fun and met some great women. Although I know none of them were right for me.

 

Anyway, I hope my woman is out there... my gut tells me she's not in my near future.. maybe some years down the road. Just my gut.

 

Ok Island Girl... this was your doing... I didn't think I would write this much but your post also inspired mine.

 

I was also moved.

 

Johnny

[Trialbyfire]

IG and Caliguy are both good at getting people back on their feet.

 

but that SPARK just never showed itself.. I never said WOW, she is amazing and I cannot lose her.

 

Btw, growth in maturity is what will allow you to find the right one. Part of being a player is to not give your all. When you don't, it becomes a self-defeating prophesy because you will always be looking for greener grass over the next fence. Learn from your experience. More food for thought...

[Island Girl]

Hey Johnny B.

 

Thank you for the kind compliments. Wonderful words. I can certainly see that you are a charmer

 

"All of this is very cathartic.. it feels good to write on here and talk to all of you... it's all the other times that hurt. I wish I didn't have to feel this pain. If it's not heartbreak, then I don't know what it is, but it still hurts."

 

I know it hurts. But it is a deep ache of longing combined with the sting of that thought -- 'she doesn't want ME?!'

 

It is the first time you have dealt with rejection. It is a very large blow because it is the first and this day sat waiting for so long.

 

But this has made you a kinder and more understanding man. An admirable man has character, strength, and compassion. From my perspective and what I have read here it seems you have had all of these qualities strengthened and colored with this experience.

 

Someday you are going to make some lucky woman very happy - and she'll in turn make you very happy.

 

I just know when it happens, it's going to be magic.

[polywog]

Island girl, I've been through it all, and am a seasoned love-veteran, and I learned from your posts, too.... they are stellar, and you are a reason to cherish LS!

 

JB, just want to tell you about my sister. She's gorgeous, funny, smart, and sweet. She never dated in HS, and had one disasterous short-term bf in college who broke her heart badly. BTW, she had a ton of guys who had crushes on her and many male friends, but did not date any of them. She moved to a big city and had a great job, and loads of men who asked her out that she never even dated.

 

Then in her mid 20s, out of the blue, she finally fell in love with a friend of my brother's who had been trying to woo her for a few years. It was a Whammy, took her by surprise, and they married. They have a great marriage and two beautiful girls and have been together 20 years.

 

It sounds like it happened for her when it was time to happen, with who it was supposed to happen with. Your posts make me think of her.

 

And everything IG said about your being seasoned and ripened by your experience is most certainly right-on. You can think of it as being prepped for The One.

[sb129]

I'm just guessing here Johnny but I am 99% sure the reason you want her is because you CAN NOT have her.

 

When you had her, you didn't want her.

You didn't realize how GREAT she was until she found someone else.

 

See what I am getting at? You've put her a pedestal since she found someone else. There were many reasons why you ended it but you're selectively forgetting why.

 

If you have no problem meeting other women, why aren't you back in the game and forgetting about her? At least, can't you find another job?

 

I am with you CaliGUy

 

 

 

That's why about 3 weeks ago.. I seriously told her it was enough. I was tired of her games and stringing me along. She claimed that she was struggling with her decision and that she wishes she could combine the best of both of us (how selfish of her, right?)

 

 

Johnny, I know you are going thru alot here and its tough, but I have a problem with this statement, because of this one.

 

Well, she tried pretty darn hard for 3 months after the breakup ... she stopped when she met her new b/f.

 

YOU dumped HER initially. And she tried to get you back for three months, and you weren't having any of it. How can you blame her for playing games? You can't blame her for wanting to move on.

 

 

And everything IG said about your being seasoned and ripened by your experience is most certainly right-on. You can think of it as being prepped for The One.

 

This is great advice. I was with a wonderful guy who I dumped when I was 22 because I found myself being attracted to other guys, and wasn't ready to "settle down". I regretted it down the line because he was a really wonderful guy who would have been great LTR material. But it was too early, and I always said I met him at the wrong time in our lives.

And 8 years and a few disastrous Rs later, I have met another wonderful guy who I will NOT let go of, because the experiences I have had have taught me to see him for how great he is, and to appreciate him, and I am old enough and mature enough to do so. i am also much more ready for a LTR.

[polywog]

This is great advice. I was with a wonderful guy who I dumped when I was 22 because I found myself being attracted to other guys, and wasn't ready to "settle down". I regretted it down the line because he was a really wonderful guy who would have been great LTR material. But it was too early, and I always said I met him at the wrong time in our lives.

 

Me too, my first bf (a LTR of 4 years) was perfect marriage material and was crazy about me, and loved me for years after I dumped him. But it wasn't time. I was just a kid and not ready to settle down, wanted to see what else was out there, not intellectually, but my young inexperienced soul just needed to be out in the world, so it ended. I think this is very common, and you see a lot of threads here from people who married early and feel they never had the chance to experience a lot before marriage, and it's a burr under their saddle.

 

So are you reading this, JB?

 

And as for my "good advice", credit goes to IG... I was just paraphrasing her!

[sb129]

Me too, my first bf (a LTR of 4 years) was perfect marriage material and was crazy about me, and loved me for years after I dumped him. But it wasn't time. I was just a kid and not ready to settle down, wanted to see what else was out there, not intellectually, but my young inexperienced soul just needed to be out in the world, so it ended. I think this is very common, and you see a lot of threads here from people who married early and feel they never had the chance to experience a lot before marriage, and it's a burr under their saddle.

 

So are you reading this, JB?

 

And as for my "good advice", credit goes to IG... I was just paraphrasing her!

 

I know you were- but her post was too long to C & P! But we all agree, which is reinforcing IGs great posts.

 

I have experienced more than my share of various R problems, and while I am by no means old, I feel much wiser and balanced.

And ready to settle with a partner long term. I got all that crazy stuff out of my system a while ago, and will never look back!

[Johnny B]

 

Johnny, I know you are going thru alot here and its tough, but I have a problem with this statement, because of this one.

 

YOU dumped HER initially. And she tried to get you back for three months, and you weren't having any of it. How can you blame her for playing games? You can't blame her for wanting to move on.

 

SB129 - Ok, I need to address this b/c you would not have known what I was referring to unless you've read all of my threads since the day I joined this site. Let me briefly explain...

 

Since the moment she met her new b/f, she completely transitioned me in to the friend category... meaning... having her cake and eating it too.

 

Now, I want to be clear, from that moment (in December) I clearly told her that we CANNOT be friends. The only thing I did was maintain a cordial interaction with her at work..... BUT what she did wasn't right:

 

She sent me very, very sentimental Christmas and Bday gifts... she periodically sent me notes and emails saying.. "I haven't forgotten anything..." and "I want you to know that I'm really glad you were always there for me, it meant alot." or "We had some amazing times togther, the things we shared ill never have with anyone else."

 

She also, more than once... completmented me on how I good I looked on certain days (my work attire) or how nice my hair looked.

 

Now for someone who still has feelings ... this things can EASILY be misunderstood as someone being interested in you. We grasp at the slightest complement or possibility. She knew what she was doing... but she didnt want to keep her distance from me. She knew those comments would have serious effects on me... but she did it anyway.

 

When her b/f left for his trip... she called me THAT SAME DAY.. with a random topic to discuss... then on a separte day asked me about seeing a movie.... then asking me , 'well if you dont want to be friends, then would you still be comfortable grabbing beers after work like when we first dated?" DUDE seriously.. how messed up is all that?????

 

Yes, I should have ignored her but I was curious and I made a mistake to eat the crumbs she was throwing at me.

 

The last straw was when after a work function (discussed on another thread) how she sent me 3 text within 2 hours asking if we could 'talk' And because i didnt JUMP at the chance and answered the next day.. she got mad and did a 180, saying I think we should avoid each other!! She claims that isnt what i wanted to say last night.. its what i want to say now!

 

Whatever! it was just more playing with my emotions.. I used to have all the control, now she was enjoying the fact that i wanted her and couldnt have her.

 

So thats why i said Im done! She was pursuing the contact even AFTER I told her I didnt want to, more than once, both continuously and often.

 

Funny how when i told her that she responded with, "Games? Is that what you think? So you dont have feelings for me anymore?"

 

Yes, that's enough validation that she was enjoying this.

 

When you stay friends with your ex or eat the crumbs they throw at you.... they'll never stop and you'll never move on.

[sb129]

It makes a bit more sense now. Even tho I think she was wrong to do so, I can see why she played you why she did.

You probably should have agreed to NC as soon as she got her new BF- probably as soon as you broke up for that matter.

 

I can see why you are hurt and annoyed now. I think at the end of the day, there is never going to be a happy ending with you and this girl, and to chalk it up to experience. There is too much water under the bridge and hurt on both sides for you to have another go. It might take you some time before you are ready to date, but in preparation, break contact with this girl.

 

When you are, you will be able to use this experience to guide you next time. And there WILL be a next time, as difficult as it may be to comprehend at the moment.

[sb129]

When you stay friends with your ex or eat the crumbs they throw at you.... they'll never stop and you'll never move on.

 

 

GREAT call. Totally agree.