Would you be okay with this??

[Isabella82]

Okay so I have a little bit of a problem here and I wanted to get other peoples opinions on the whole thing. My b/f of two years is planning on going on vacation to see some old college friends. He used to go to school there for 2 years and then he moved when he met me. Anyways so he is planning on going for a week in August. This is fine and everything but the problem is that all of his friends there are female.

 

He is planning on staying at their place the whole week. He says they are all just friends and it’s just not one girl, there are 3 of them that live in one apartment. So they are just a group of friends.

 

I am of course uneasy about this because I do not know these girls at all. But he says that they have all been best friends for so long, and he had a gf the whole time he lived there that was not one of those girls. He says that I need to trust him, and that I have nothing to worry about.

 

Also when he was with his ex (who lived 2 hours away from him) he was going to move in with these same girls, and according to him she was totally okay with this. Now of course I do not know if that is true because I do not talk to his ex gf. But that makes me feel like well if she was okay with it and she knew them, then maybe they are just friends.

 

What do you guys think???

[Bree]

Why aren't you going with him?

[dropdeadlegs]

I would trust my BF, but only because I know him so well. I know his feelings about cheating (he was devastated when his wife cheated) and I am absolutely certain he would never cheat on me or anyone else because he has felt the pain.

 

However, I must also add that my BF would not take a vacation and stay with three women, even if they are all just friends. The reason is that he would feel that it would give the appearance of disrespect to me, even though totally innocent. What he would do is take me along and insist on staying in a motel.

[My Fair Katie]

I wouldn't be comfortable with it. One of my closest and oldest friends is a guy and I have never stayed with him alone, just doesn't seem right. After I got married he has stayed in our house with my hubby and I, but other than that, nope.

[Art_Critic]

I would introduce yourself to these "girls" if he really does plan on going thru with it..

 

But regardless this shouldn't be something that you should have to feel comfortable dealing with..

He is an idiot for even suggesting or coming up with the idea in the first place.

 

Chances are he would be the first one to hit the ceiling if you decided to go stay with 3 guys out of town.

 

Tell him you have a problem with it and let him stay at a hotel instead of with those 3 "girls"

If he really cares about how you feel he will understand where you are coming from and apologize for making an awkward situation arise in your relationship..

[Isabella82]

Yeah well we have had multiple fights about this already. The reason why I am not going to go with him is because I don't have enough money, I can't take off that much time off of work, and because I just don't think I would have much fun anyway I would probably be pissed off the whole time.

 

I just don't know what to think, he told me I could go with him for the weekend and then leave because I have work, and then he stay until thursday because he doesn't want to pay all that money $400 a plane ticket to just stay for the weekend.

 

He bought up the point that we have a long distance relationship, he lives 2 hours away from me, he goes out drinking etc... and the fact that he has his own apartment which he could be bringing home whoever he wants at any given time, and the fact that when he goes to grad school it will be out of state, and if I can't trust him now what makes me think I can trust him when he is another state for years.

 

He made some good points suggesting that he could cheat at any time, and it doesn't need to be in another state or at night when he spends the night on their futon.

 

He always tells me how "hot" I am and that he would never cheat on me, and that these girls aren't even that good looking, and that they are just friends, and that they have been friends when all of them were single and that nothing happened even when they were all single.

 

He said why would I start something now, if something would have happened, it would have happened by now.

 

So I see where he is coming from, but I am still uneasy about the whole thing, and it is driving me crazy. I have some major trust issues in guys just because I have been cheated on before in my past etc... So I know its my own insecurities also.

 

I don't want to tell him that he can't be friends with them, I mean they were there before me, but I just feel like he shouldn't go see them without me. But I also feel like he won't have as much fun there if I go too. And I really don't want to spend the $400+ to go there and be pissed off.

 

Please help me, what would you do

 

Tell him that if he goes that its over?!?!?! I just don't know.

[curiousnycgirl]

I may be the odd ball out here, but this would not phase me at all. My b/f has traveled without me, and I have no clue what is going on.

 

He has also allowed another woman stay at his house - who he met in the same manner he met me, online dating site - and I was not bothered.

 

My feeling is that if I can't trust HIM and OUR relationship then there is simply no point. He knows how I feel about lying and cheating and he knows that it is a non starter for me. If I were to find out he did either of those things to me - we would be over, no discussion just OVER.

 

He has never given me any reason to doubt him and I trust him - regardless of where he goes or who he spends time with.

 

I guess my view on this is that if I can't trust him, I shouldn't be with him, and if he wants to cheat - then let him go.

 

Just my two cents.

[dropdeadlegs]

I was about to post something very similar to what curiousnycgirl said.

 

A few things to note:

 

You are bringing in baggage from past relationships into this one. This will be a problem in all relationships if you allow it to. You have to base trust on individuals, not history.

 

Cheating is something EVERYONE has the opportunity to engage in every day. It's character that separates those who do from those who don't.

 

Your choices are to 1) Trust him or not, based on the past versus the present. 2) Draw the line as far as what you expect in the behavior of him.

 

If he offered for you to go, but you don't want to and can't, and he insists on going with or without you, I only see the above options.

 

Good luck in your decision.

[Art_Critic]

This really isn't about trust as much as it is about respect.

 

Even if you don't have a problem with it and you trust he won't do anything then that still leaves the disrespect he has shown for you.

 

To me this is all about respect and disrespect.. if he respected you, your feelings and the relationship then he would never have even asked.

 

Expect more surprises like this thru out your relationship.

 

I am not a jealous person.. so if a girl I was in a relationship TOLD me and didn't ask me that she was going to sleep over with 3 guys for the time she was in town it wouldn't even flag on my trust radar.. I know she and I would be okay and nothing was up.. But my disrespect radar would flag and I would wonder why she would even put our relationship to a test of this type..

 

I still think that you need to introduce yourself to these people or he needs to at least introduce you to his friends.. even if it thru an email.. just so everyone is on the up and up.

 

and I wanted to add that I don't believe he is going to do anything.. he just sounds like a young guy not thinking about his GF's feelings..

[Isabella82]

Yeah I agree I feel like he doesn't really care about how I feel about the whole situation but at least he did invite me. They all know he has a gf we all have myspace so they see that he is with me. So its not like they don't know about me....

 

I just wish it didn't bother me so much, its all I have been thinking about, its driving me crazy. But if he was planning on moving in with these girls.. then no big deal right??

 

I mean you can cheat anytime anywhere... at some random bar meeting some random girl and bringing her home to his nice apartment not some friends that he has had for over 2 years. Right?!?!?!

 

Thats what he says, he said I can't believe you don't care if I go to the bars where the girl to guy ratio there is about 8/1 but I am all worried about him going back to his old college to see his old friends.

 

He told me he would never cheat on a girl that he was planning on marrying.

[ruby_gloom]

He bought up the point that we have a long distance relationship, he lives 2 hours away from me, he goes out drinking etc... and the fact that he has his own apartment which he could be bringing home whoever he wants at any given time, and the fact that when he goes to grad school it will be out of state, and if I can't trust him now what makes me think I can trust him when he is another state for years.

 

:rolleyes:

 

And wtf is his point? Oh yea, that makes me feeling a lot better about it all, jerk!

 

That's ridiculous. Those two things can't be compared. If or when he moves to another state for grad school, then he would be doing it, more or less, because he has to. Sure, he could probably stick around and stay in the same state for grad school, but maybe they don't offer his major at the local universities or maybe it has always been his dream or whatever to go to X school in Y state.

 

So, he goes. That to me is a lot different than deciding to go on a trip to visit three girls and for staying at their place for more than a weekend.

 

He is comparing something he 'has' to do and that might potentially bring you both more happiness in the future to something that he 'wants' to do that is nothing but disrespectful to you.

 

As Art said, it's not so much about the cheating, but about the disrespect. Yea, yea, we can all cheat whenever the f.ck we want, and so? Most people don't end up cheating while going out to McDonalds for a Big Mac; most cheating takes places in a more 'convenient' environment.

 

Certainly most people with some dencency won't go out for shoes and hump someone else on their way back, will they? Those are everyday scenarios, but not everyday cheating-type environments like the one your little bf seems to put himself in.

 

Sure some people will not cheat even if they have good-looking genitals dangling in front of their face, but that's not the majority of people, I don't think. We might like to say and think that we are one of those classy and dignitary people, bit a lot of us aren't.

 

I would be totally pissed. It would be one thing if he took you along and then you both stayed at a hotel.

 

I would still upset if he went without me and stayed at hotel by himself, but I'd find a way to get over myself, considering that he was willing to compromise for the sake of our relationship.

 

But him, three girls, one apartment, and no you? Yea, no thanks.

 

And this is coming from one of the most passive persons ever, believe me, but even I would think this is too much.

 

That's just plainly disrespectful and I don't think you should tolerate it in the slightest.

[Lizzie60]

maybe he's sincere and they're just platonic friends and maybe he's lying and he had sex with one of them.. who knows...

 

If I were you I would ask if you can go with him... (even if you can't you just want to see his reaction)...

 

or he doesn't want you to go with him... then

 

you can say that, while he'll be there visiting his friends, you will be visiting some long time male friends too...

 

What's good for one SHOULD be good for the other. ... that's my most important theory in a relationship.

[mrmaximum]

I would trust my BF, but only because I know him so well. I know his feelings about cheating (he was devastated when his wife cheated) and I am absolutely certain he would never cheat on me or anyone else because he has felt the pain.

 

However, I must also add that my BF would not take a vacation and stay with three women, even if they are all just friends. The reason is that he would feel that it would give the appearance of disrespect to me, even though totally innocent. What he would do is take me along and insist on staying in a motel.

 

Unfortunately this looks very bad and, coming from a guy's perspective, if I cared about what my GF thinks, there are only two choices.

 

1. I don't go

 

2. She comes with me

 

Simple.

[flowerfairy142]

I really wouldn't be ok with it at all. It IS a whole issue of respect. I know I'd be very uncomfortable if my boyfriend suggested something like this...and I know he'd fly off the roof as well if I suggested staying in a house with 3 men. Even if nothing goes on, it still looks horribly WRONG.

Why doesn't he postpone it until you can afford to go with him?

[LoveLace]

I wouldn't be comfortable at all, weather I trusted him or not. If I were to go along, I couldn't help but be all over him and flaunt it in the girls' faces that he's mine. And I woulnd't care what they thought of it. And I'd pretend I was having a blast weather I really was or not. And I'd be nice to the girls and hang out and get to know them. Even if I trusted my BF, I wouldn't trust the girls until I met them myself. Even meeting them wouldn't make me feel totally better though.

 

He did make some good points, but it doesn't change the fact that your boyfriend is going to spend a week with 3 girls that you don't even know. I don't even think it worries you just because you've been cheated on in the past. It worries you because he's your boyfriend period! And Artcritic made an excellent point: have you asked your BF how he'd feel if you were going on the same kind of trip with 3 men? And if he says well it'd be ok because I trust you; he's lying. He'd only be saying that to argue your point.

 

I believe him myself, just from reading your posts, when he talks about marrying you, etc, but it still the girls themselves that bother me...cuz women's sexual power especially mixed with alcohol can make a man weak! Not to say your BF is weak...but gosh you just never know. I don't think you should break up over it, but he still needs to somehow be more sensitive to your feelings about the whole situation, or it could get ugly. But I say go if you can and just have fun. Maybe after hanging out with his friends enough, it'll make you worry less about it. If you don't go, your going to wonder what they're doing the whole time, that would drive me insane.