Second chance with ex vs. new guy?

[stace79]

Long story short (short as possible anyway):

 

Ex still had feelings for HIS ex of four years. Went back and forth for almost a year before telling me he had to resolve his feelings for her once and for all. I fought this for about a month, and then resigned myself to moving on. Never went complete NC for more than a week, but definitely decreased contact a lot.

 

I started talking to new guys and went on a date with one. Really nice guy, dentist, educated, loves my sports teams, fun and funny, lots in common, financially secure.

 

A few days after the first date, ex wants to see me. Tells me he loves me, is so sorry for everything he put me through, wants to work things out with me, knows his ex is not the right person for him.

 

I liked the guy I went on a date with, and already had plans with him for a second date, which I went on. Had first kiss, which was awesome. I think he's a great guy and very attractive.

 

However, I'm in love with my ex. But rightfully (I think anyway) I'm very suspicious because he went back and forth so many times. He's told his ex she isn't right for him, and as far as I know, they aren't speaking anymore. She lives two hours from us so I know he doesn't see her.

 

I am not sure what to do. I guess I just wait and see how things develop? I haven't made plans with dentist guy again yet. My ex wants to spend time with me this weekend and asked me to come to his family's house with him Memorial Day weekend to celebrate his bday.

 

I am torn....getting a second chance with this guy I've been in love with or throwing away the potential with new guy who seems great. Any advice? Is it wrong to still have dates with new guy and see ex?

[KaneNAbel]

Stace,

 

This is a slippery slope. You're headed into 'my territory'. I was the 'new guy' in the situation. Maybe I'm a bit bitter, but the guy you love probably doesn't want to be with you. He's just seeing that he's losing you and doesn't want anyone else to be with you. But I'm guessing you're not going to listen to me. In the long run, he'll hurt you again because he's already established he could step on you and get you back.

 

If you lead the new guy on...well, let's just say I was devastated after 3 months of a girl making me believe we might have had something and she would never stop contacting her ex. You really need to maybe break both situations off. You're headed into this cycle of people screwing people over because you're not comfortable with yourself. Just my two cents. But you're going to do what you want to do.

[stace79]

Thanks....this is really the kind of advice and perspective I need. I do agree...I don't want to lead someone on because he really is a fantastic person. The sad part is that he is everything I am looking for and more, really. I guess I wish I just had another week or two...because I sort of feel like my ex will screw me over again. No offense taken at your point of view at all, and I definitely don't want to do to anyone what you or I have been through. I know it sucks.

[girly]

All I can say is that this happened to me a few months ago....The quick story is that I was with my ex for 4 and a half years, he broke up with me, I asked him to come back a number of times to which he always said no. I met a new guy, we started seeing each other, and that's when the ex decided that he was ready to try again. The next couple weeks were filled with letters, phone calls and emails trying to talk me into getting back together with him. Meanwhile, the new guy was being very patient with my situation, and I chose to stay with him. Turns out that was the best decision I could have made as he is an amazing guy who has made me so much happier in the last 7 months than I ever was with my ex. The ex still shows up every once in a while...I think he's still surprised that I didn't choose him, but I'm happy with where I am now.

Just wanted to let you know that sometimes walking away and trying something new works out better than you could have imagined.

[stace79]

Just wanted to let you know that sometimes walking away and trying something new works out better than you could have imagined.

 

I guess what bothers me most is that I'm not getting a chance to see if new guy could really be good for me. I mean, two dates is not really much time at all to get to know someone.

 

I know, I'm trying to have my cake and eat it, too. I don't want my judgment to be clouded, I guess. I am afraid of choosing my ex simply because I'm still in love with him, despite that he has not really earned a second chance yet. I am also afraid of choosing new guy over my love, because maybe I just think he's wonderful because it's the "warm fuzzies" of a new relationship starting. Plus we are both still on our best first-date behavior.

 

When does it cross the line between just getting to know someone and leading him on? Would it be wrong to keep talking and maybe go out with him one or two more times to see how things go?

[girly]

In my opinion, I think you should give the new guy a chance.....go out with him a couple more times and see how things go. At that point, you can decide what you want to do about your ex.....Just remember that he left you to see if things would work between him and his ex, so I don't think you owe it to him to make a decision about getting back with him right away. It's most important to do what will make you happy, and if that means testing the waters with the new guy for a bit, then by all means, I think you should do that. If things don't work out there, then maybe consider talking to your ex and seeing if you think there's a future there. Maybe some time away from him will help give you a better perspective.

[krzr]

grats on selfish......

 

look deep within and go with your feelings, make a choice and stick to it but dont string both guys along.

[madgun68]

I guess what bothers me most is that I'm not getting a chance to see if new guy could really be good for me. I mean, two dates is not really much time at all to get to know someone.

 

I know, I'm trying to have my cake and eat it, too. I don't want my judgment to be clouded, I guess. I am afraid of choosing my ex simply because I'm still in love with him, despite that he has not really earned a second chance yet. I am also afraid of choosing new guy over my love, because maybe I just think he's wonderful because it's the "warm fuzzies" of a new relationship starting. Plus we are both still on our best first-date behavior.

 

When does it cross the line between just getting to know someone and leading him on? Would it be wrong to keep talking and maybe go out with him one or two more times to see how things go?

You already know the answer to the question you ask.. "..he has not really earned a second chance yet." He needs to sort out his feelings. Maybe in the future, if you think he's ready for a second chance, then go for it. For now, stick with the new guy.

 

Break off contact with the ex for a while. Right now, he's probably just going to try to tell you want you want to hear.

 

If you decide to see both, then at least be honest to both of them and let them know what's going on.

[annabelle75]

You say that you havent been given enough time to find out if things could be good with the new guy, why do you feel that way? Your ex went back and forth on you for a year and now you think just because he say he wants to be with you, you have to drop everything and run to him? Give the new guy a chance. I know you may still be in love with your ex but I have to be honest and say any man than was willing to walk away from you in the past for another woman will have no problem doing it again. Odds are things just didn't go well with his ex and so he is crawling back to you.

 

If he really does love you and thinks you are the one, he should be willing to give you time to figure if he is the one. You've earned the right to slow down and make your own choices.

[CaliGuy]

Your ex had a chance.

 

The new guy has not.

 

Go with the new guy and see where things lead. The new guy deserves a FIRST chance before your ex deserves a second.

[silentcharon]

Totally agree with others- go with the new guy. I was in a simliar sitch as you are- except that I was at the one month mark with the new guy. I said No to my ex, because I knew that part of the reason why he was coming back to me, was that he suddenly couldn't have what he wanted.

 

I said, "Well, I want to test out the greener grass on the other side."

 

Ooh.

 

Even though the new guy turned out to be scum in the end, I don't regret saying no to my ex. Give the new guy a chance

[Nanachu]

Hi Stace79

This is my take from this situation. It sound similar to what I went through. Please forgive if not....

 

Your brain is clearly telling you to go with a new guy, but your heart is telling you to go with ex. This is because you still have a feeling for ex.

Also, this is because you are not really into a new guy. This is for me, may be different for other people, but you seem to know the new guy well enough to make a call.

 

If you meet a guy who your barin and heart are telling you to go, you are not confused like this. You don't think about your ex. Meanwhile, if you have a strong feeling for ex, no men may be able to do this for you.

 

If I were you, I will cut both. Your ex is not good for you, you know that. But, the new guy is not good for you, at least right now.

 

I know it is easy to say, but if you force yourself going out with a new guy because your brain is telling you (and your heart is against), you will end up hurting the new guy. Don't let your ex hurt other guys in your life indirectly.

[stace79]

Just wanted to thank you guys for the very unbiased responses. I am "half" taking your advice....I am trying to give both situations a little breathing room to see how they play out, but I don't plan to string anyone along needlessly. (Then I would be doing what my ex did to me, which clearly I know sucked.)

 

The ex has been going far out of his way to "prove himself" for lack of better phrasing. The new guy is taking things very slowly, and I haven't decided yet if that's because he doesn't know what he wants either, or if he's just taking subconscious cues from me dragging my feet.

 

I am just not certain yet that the ex is the right person for me. I guess a few more weeks should give me the insight I need to finally make MY decision. At least my decision won't take a year.

[datingmum]

I've had a similar situation with my newly departed fiance. You know the one you gave me good advice on earlier?

 

When we first met, I noticed he still kept in contact with his ex - the one he pulled out of the marriage on. He spent 4 years on his own, met me and still had a funny feeling around her. He did the whole no contact thing for about 2 years, but then they started being friendly again and exchanging random txts, etc. He was lonely and is not a big ladies man (in attitude, but he is gorgeous) and didn't really date anyone all that time, so it was nice for him to have someone to lean on. If their relationship did not have proper closure (for instance, my ex just up and went to Japan for a while - rather than a proper journey through the pain, etc) so he felt somewhat grateful and overly sentimental about the last big relationship he'd had.

 

We regularly talked about this, and to reassure me, we'd met up with her in a group of friends. But I could tell from the moment she laid eyes on me that she didn't want my man, but she did want to know she could have him back at any time. One of their issues was that she wanted children, but he didn't want to do that with her, so it must have rubbed salt in the wound to know that I had two daughters (sorry, it's not big of me, but I did feel glee) I tried to be big and let it continue (it's suppossed to be a good sign, amicable breakups etc) but in the end, I told him that the contact was unbearable for me, because she started intruding quite a bit - calling on a weekend day (bearing in mind we'd been together for 7 months and didn't spend many moments outside of work apart) or when she was on her own, upset on her birthday. She even rang him to tell him she had a birthday card for him, but didn't want to send it in case he 'got in trouble' as he'd already discussed my dislike of the situation.

 

Finally, I put my foot down and he agreed. I told him to go to her house and sit down with her (to give her a say in how she felt without anyone else knowing - get it all out) and they had dinner and he told her to basically never contact him again. And it worked! And he did that for me. I love him for that, despite the pain he initially put me through. I guess he thought that he SHOULD be able to maintain friends, but when he realised it was manipulative on her part and hurting me, he made it stop.

 

Until however, she txted on the eve of our engagement to say she'd been clearing out her attic and found a bunch of his stuff (bearing in mind they've been broken up nearly 6 years). He lied at the time,s aying it was a work colleague, to 'protect me', but let's just say that our engagement celebrations went horribly wrong. It wasn't his fault she contacted him, but I wanted to kill that b*&ch. She'd heard on the grapevine what he was up to, you see. Even though she's with a new guy, she STILL did that. He then told his whole family on the phone that night "strictly no contact with his ex ever again" - they all live in the same home town and their mums work together - can you imagine the rumour mills.

 

Not that you'd want to know all that, but that's my experience. But I think that because my guy lied, he made the situation alot worse. Though he lied, however, he never LEFT me for her. That's crazy. You do not deserve that in any way shape or form. It's one thing to 'have feelings', another to want to actually risk losing the love of your life to pursue them. But is that what he did? Did he see her?

 

I'm confused as to whether he left you to pursue her or just to take time out to evaluate his own unconscious behaviour. If he was a bastard, he would have just carried on with both of you, I suppose, so telling you the truth is at least somewhat honest.

 

As far as dating the new guy goes, I think that it's healthy to date multiple people, even if you particularly adore one, in order to maintain some perspective for a while (not a long long while though). Who knows how either will end? Unless you know in your gut with new guy that you are not sexually or intellectually attracted to him, then I say GO GIRL. You have nothing to lose and even if your ex proves his worth, then you will have learned more about what you want in life.

 

As far as new guy's feelings go.... come on guys... going on a 4th , 5th , 6th date is hardly stringing him on. You're honestly pursuing something that might work. The key word is might. He's a grown man, and he knows that - no need to spell it out.

 

Tell them both you're not dating exclusively if they ask (but he shouldn't really be pressuring you this early on)- don't mention names - and ask them to respect your privacy and say that you want to settle down some day, with the right person. But it takes time to get to know the right person.

 

Good luck, and try to just stand back and let ex jump through the relevant hoops. If he wants it bad, he will, with joy.

[McFadden]

I'de just keep playing both of them until you figure out which one is going to work out, as long as you can keep them from finding out about each other. Maybe not be good for them but theres more of a chance of things working out in a satisfactory way for you.