Wife is meeting with ex-lover

[Guest]

My wife is meeting with an ex-lover for drinks tomorrow afternoon. This is really tearing me up and I need to know how to handle it.

 

This started about 4 years ago. We had been married just over a year and I thought we had a very good marriage. Then one day I needed to print something out on the color printer which was attached to her computer, so I went to her computer and her yahoo email was open. There were several emails from Jim. I recognized the name because she asked me once before getting married if I believed that there was just one 'love of your life'. She said that she thought she had missed out on hers. After reading these emails I purchased a spy program and put it on her computer so I could spy on her email.

 

She had apparently known Jim when she lived in another state. Once she separated from her husband and let Jim know about it. Jim then left his wife and moved here to be with her. She wound up going back to her husband because of the kids, and Jim got a new wife. A few years later she divorced her husband, but Jim was married.

 

The emails that she had received from Jim indicated that he was now divorced and that he had moved here. He wanted to get together with my wife. She stated that she was now happily married but perhaps they could be friends. He said 'Fine, let's get together for lunch'. She said that she'd rather meet for drinks, but that it needed to be in a dark bar where nobody would recognize her. They set up a time and place. The day she was scheduled to meet him she came into the office dressed like she was going out on a hot date and was planning to get laid afterward. I commented on how nice she looked and she seemed very embarrassed.

 

Jim sent her an email stating that he had a business appointment and needed to reschedule. They rescheduled, but something happened and they never did meet. For four years he has been sending her emails asking when they were going to get together for drinks. She's been resisting. About two years ago she told him, "Here's the thing. I can't meet for drinks because I'm afraid that I'll again become your lover".

 

Six months ago I confronted her with it. She said that they were just friends, and there was no reason why I should be upset about it. I said that it was fine for her to meet him for drinks as a friend, but if they were just friends why did she need to keep it secret from me. She said she wasn't keeping it secret, but that it was so insignificant to her that she didn't think she neeeded to mention it.

 

A few weeks ago the emails started up again. Finally they agreed to meet. He asked 'Do you prefer the Holiday Inn or Days Inn?". She chose neither and suggested having drinks at the Cheesecake Factory.

 

I know if I approach her about it she'll get upset and say that they're just friends and that it's nothing.

 

I've been obsessing over this for four years. It's ruined my life. She would probably say that it's nothing to her. Am I wrong to let it affect me this way? What should I do? I can't live like this any longer. If she knew I'd been spying on her she'd be really upset.

[whichwayisup]

she asked me once before getting married if I believed that there was just one 'love of your life'. She said that she thought she had missed out on hers.

 

Wow, if I were in your shoes and she had said that to me, I would have rethought the whole marriage thing. That is awful for her to say to you!

 

She is cheating on you, sorry to say it but you gotta keep your eyes open. Sounds like she never got over him and they've become eachother's "habits".

 

Make it CLEAR to her that if she walks out that door to meet her ex, then she shouldn't come home to you. Be prepared to follow through on it....

 

They cannot be friends because whatever it was/is between them is still on going. That is unfair of her and selfish of her to do that to you!

 

WHO cares if she finds out if you're spying on her, SHE is the one lying and sneaking around, making plans to be with her ex-lover! Yes, she'll be pissed off, but under the circumstances I think it's warrented!

 

She probably will deny it, down play it, try to turn it into something that is YOUR problem, not hers...Well, watch her reaction, how she handles the conversation and if she does get angry and defensive, then there's more reason to see the red flags that are flappin' away.

 

Can I ask? Do you two have children?

 

Hang in there and I hope your wife wakes up before she loses you.

[4whatItsWorth]

The day she was scheduled to meet him she came into the office dressed like she was going out on a hot date and was planning to get laid afterward. I commented on how nice she looked and she seemed very embarrassed.

 

I'd cancelled the marriage when she said that thing about "one true love I lost him". That was big cue she'd never 100% be yours. That's the problem with the "big one true loves". I had one too - turned out he was a jerk who was just in it for the sex. (Should've seen that one coming!) So seeing as Jim wants Hoilday Inn for meeting sounds like he has one thing in mind and one thing only.

 

I think you need to ask her to go NC with him or it won't work. As long as she is in touch with him - she will be wondering what it is like to be with him. However, she has put up resistance so far - which shows you DO mean something to her. However, be on your guard and you really need her to decide who she wants to be with - better that than going behind your back.

 

But beware once she realises the guy isn't greener on the other side of the fence! She'll come back and I don't think you should take her back if she did.

[norajane]

Tell her you'd like to meet her 'just friend' and go along with her for drinks.

 

She shouldn't have a problem with that if they are 'just friends'.

[Mr. Lucky]

A few weeks ago the emails started up again. Finally they agreed to meet. He asked 'Do you prefer the Holiday Inn or Days Inn?". She chose neither and suggested having drinks at the Cheesecake Factory.

 

If I read your post correctly, she doesn't know that you know about the rendezvous. I'd give them 10 minutes to get comfy, show up, pull up a chair and sit down at the table. Say something appropriate like "I'm sure you're both wondering why I called this meeting". And then lay your cards on the table - this is a threat to your marriage and you don't appreciate it. You'll learn all you need to know from their reactions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Jane]

From your post, it sounds to me like the guy is more interested than she is. I'm sure this is torturing you--I know it would me. But I don't think that the "spying" thing is a good idea. Sometimes knowing too much will just make you crazy. You need to figure out how much you trust her and trust that she will make the right decision if she's really commited to your relationship. It's hard to know sometimes. It seems these days I hear so much about infidelity in relationships that it is just sad--my questions about my own relationship rotate around the whole "trust" issue. Sometimes people can bend this "definition" a bit if it suits justifying their own gratification. I hope it all works out for you.

[Miss Jane]

She said she wasn't keeping it secret, but that it was so insignificant to her that she didn't think she neeeded to mention it.

 

Just reread you post and this line caught me--that was my husband's reason for not telling me about a lap dance he got at a strip club. I told him it was a form of lying--lying by omission. There are threads on this topic too. I posted one that was "is not telling the same as lying?" Lying can be a pretty vicious circle.

[Trialbyfire]

If I read your post correctly, she doesn't know that you know about the rendezvous. I'd give them 10 minutes to get comfy, show up, pull up a chair and sit down at the table. Say something appropriate like "I'm sure you're both wondering why I called this meeting". And then lay your cards on the table - this is a threat to your marriage and you don't appreciate it. You'll learn all you need to know from their reactions...

 

Mr. Lucky

I was going to suggest something similar but the idea of sitting down with the two of them never occurred to me. It's perfect, especially if you're a big guy. You'd be surprised at how a big, confident, restrained but angry man can dampen ardour better than the use of force.

[Bryanp]

I feel very sorry for you. How humiliating and hurtful this must be to you. If the roles were reversed, do you think your wife would be so understanding? Having her say to him she was afraid to meet him again because she might become his lover once more and then go meet him behind your back is too much. She would never put up with this from you and you should not put up with this from her. How totally disrespecting she is toward you and for 4 years as well. Enough is enough.

[Curmudgeon]

At the very least she's been committing emotional adultery all along. It would not surprise me in the least for her to agree to take it to the physical level again if they meet.

 

Your wife seems to lack any appreciation for the admonition, "...and forsaking all others..."

 

Even if you object and she agrees to forego meeting with her former lover, her intent has beern clear all along and she'd only be cancelling under pressure from you.

 

Not good!

[LakesideDream]

Guest Poster. You haven't replied to the kid's question. Do you have a child, or children with this woman?

 

If the answer is no, it's time for you to leave gracefully. If you remain in the relationship you will forever be the 2nd choice, who has proven willing to accept doormat / backup status. The power dynamic in the marriage will never be equal.

 

I can only imagine the grief you are feeling, and my thoughts are for you, not the relationship.

[Ladyjane14]

I've been obsessing over this for four years. It's ruined my life.

 

THIS is the crux of the situation. "Obsession" has less to do with her, and more to do with YOU at this point.

 

Yes.... she's giving you reasons to feel this way, but you're not addressing the situation by enforcing your personal boundaries. Instead, you're allowing an obsessive need to 'check' run your life. And it only make YOU miserable. It makes you reactive instead of proactive.

 

The source of it needs to be addressed. Marriage counseling might help. But even divorce is better than living with constant anxiety.

 

Face your fears, and don't allow yourself to be cast in the role of Daddy to your own wife. Have "authority" over your own personal boundaries, rather than allow your spouse to perceive you as "authoritative" in her life.

 

IOW, if your boundary is... "I'm not going to live with someone who lies to me and sneaks around behind my back." Be willing to enforce that boundary right up to the point of divorce.

Let her know it too. As well as what YOU need in a partner, and if she can't fill the bill... maybe it's time to move on.

 

Bottom line, if you can't live with this woman without 'checking'. You just can't live with this woman.

[Gunny376]

Forget that! Better to be single, happy and alone, than married, miserable, and alone ~ and you don't have to be all by yourself to be alone.

 

And, if I've got to play Sherlock Holmes to be married ~ then I'd rather be single and by myself.

 

If it was me, I'd let her go ~ but when she came home her bags would be packed and on the curb ~ with the locks to the house changed out!

 

She could go stay with her "friend" and I'll go find me some new "friends"

[sb129]

Word................periods to make the post long enough to post.

 

There is no way you are a new poster..... how many usernames have you had now? i thought you were going for a run and leaving us in peace?

[cranium]

I said that it was fine for her to meet him for drinks as a friend, but if they were just friends why did she need to keep it secret from me. She said she wasn't keeping it secret, but that it was so insignificant to her that she didn't think she neeeded to mention it.

 

First off, there is no way in H*LL you should have told her it was fine to meet him for drinks. It is not fine for her to meet him, talk to him or have any contact with him, period. He is not her friend. "Insignificant to her" is a load of crap also.

 

 

If I read your post correctly, she doesn't know that you know about the rendezvous. I'd give them 10 minutes to get comfy, show up, pull up a chair and sit down at the table. Say something appropriate like "I'm sure you're both wondering why I called this meeting". And then lay your cards on the table - this is a threat to your marriage and you don't appreciate it. You'll learn all you need to know from their reactions...

 

Sweet. Leave Jim "holding his head in his hand" so to speak.

[gullible]

I started the thread as Guest.

 

The meeting happened last Friday at 1:30. All week she had been acting like she didn't like me anymore, and I was prepared for her to come back and say she wanted a divorce. It was probably one of the longest weeks of my life.

 

At 4:30 she called me and asked if I wanted to meet her for drinks after work. I said "Sure" and we met. She was dressed very sexy and looked great. I asked how she was able to leave work early. She said "To tell the truth, I took off this afternoon to have a makeover". She had spent $250 for a makeover and new cosmetics.

 

She was a changed person. Previously she had acted like she was very unhappy with me. All of a sudden everything was great. She told me how much she loved me and that I was the best husband, etc. That night we had sex for the first time in several months.

 

The next day she informed me (no discussion) that she was having breast implants. She sent an email to Jim telling him that she enjoyed meeting with him, and that she had made the decision to get implants. He responded that they needed to get together for drinks before the surgery so he could see them before, and then again after. She said that she would let anyone that was interested see them afterwards. She just kinda let the before slide by.

 

I'm assuming because of the fact that she seems happy with me again that either they didn't hit it off, that it really was only a friendship, or that he told her that he wasn't leaving his wife.

 

I'm torn as to what to do. She has told me that if I file for divorce she will fight it and will make my life miserable. Of course, it's already miserable, but it probably could get worse.

[gullible]

THIS is the crux of the situation. "Obsession" has less to do with her, and more to do with YOU at this point.

 

Yes.... she's giving you reasons to feel this way, but you're not addressing the situation by enforcing your personal boundaries. Instead, you're allowing an obsessive need to 'check' run your life. And it only make YOU miserable. It makes you reactive instead of proactive.

 

The source of it needs to be addressed. Marriage counseling might help. But even divorce is better than living with constant anxiety.

 

Face your fears, and don't allow yourself to be cast in the role of Daddy to your own wife. Have "authority" over your own personal boundaries, rather than allow your spouse to perceive you as "authoritative" in her life.

 

IOW, if your boundary is... "I'm not going to live with someone who lies to me and sneaks around behind my back." Be willing to enforce that boundary right up to the point of divorce.

Let her know it too. As well as what YOU need in a partner, and if she can't fill the bill... maybe it's time to move on.

 

Bottom line, if you can't live with this woman without 'checking'. You just can't live with this woman.

 

 

I think this hits it on the head.

[gullible]

 

Can I ask? Do you two have children?

 

Hang in there and I hope your wife wakes up before she loses you.

 

No, we don't have children together. She has 3 and I have 2, but they are all adults.

[green-eyed beauty]

Just leave her. She can "fight" a divorce all she wants, but she can't really do anything to make your life miserable. It's really not that hard to bounce back after a divorce. She'll be the one who loses financially, if that's what she's talking about.

[Curmudgeon]

I'm torn as to what to do. She has told me that if I file for divorce she will fight it and will make my life miserable. Of course, it's already miserable, but it probably could get worse.

 

...but not much. It depends upon your tolerance level for someone else running your life for you, disregarding your feelings, flaunting their "separate" life in front of your face and then threatening you.

 

I don't know what state you're in but in everyone I know, the divorce itself cannot be fought, only settlement can as you share no children. Her open threat to make your life miserable "if" is simply another indication of the lack of esteem and love she has for you.

 

Put it all together and I think she also has no respect for you. The big question is, do you have respect for yourself?

 

Apparently an aptly chosen handle!

[Mr. Lucky]

I started the thread as Guest.

 

The meeting happened last Friday at 1:30. All week she had been acting like she didn't like me anymore, and I was prepared for her to come back and say she wanted a divorce. It was probably one of the longest weeks of my life.

 

At 4:30 she called me and asked if I wanted to meet her for drinks after work. I said "Sure" and we met. She was dressed very sexy and looked great. I asked how she was able to leave work early. She said "To tell the truth, I took off this afternoon to have a makeover". She had spent $250 for a makeover and new cosmetics.

 

She was a changed person. Previously she had acted like she was very unhappy with me. All of a sudden everything was great. She told me how much she loved me and that I was the best husband, etc. That night we had sex for the first time in several months.

 

The next day she informed me (no discussion) that she was having breast implants. She sent an email to Jim telling him that she enjoyed meeting with him, and that she had made the decision to get implants. He responded that they needed to get together for drinks before the surgery so he could see them before, and then again after. She said that she would let anyone that was interested see them afterwards. She just kinda let the before slide by.

 

I'm assuming because of the fact that she seems happy with me again that either they didn't hit it off, that it really was only a friendship, or that he told her that he wasn't leaving his wife.

 

I'm torn as to what to do. She has told me that if I file for divorce she will fight it and will make my life miserable. Of course, it's already miserable, but it probably could get worse.

Gullible, that's just really....strange . The implants, changed attitude, emails, sex, threats - maybe someone smarter than me could tell you what to make of it. I don't know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Curmudgeon]

Gullible, that's just really....strange . The implants, changed attitude, emails, sex, threats - maybe someone smarter than me could tell you what to make of it. I don't know...

 

I wouldn't rule out softening him up for the blow which would be her leaving him. Be nice to him to throw him off then walk away having retained the power and control. Hence her threat if he beats her to the punch re: filing for divorce.

 

In my case the ex still hates me 13 years later. She left and filed for separation. I counter-filed for divorce. I robbed her of control and she's never forgiven me. She never will!

[gullible]

My gut feeling is that she decided after the meeting that I'm a better alternative than he is. Whether that's due to the fact that he's married and isn't willing to leave his wife, financial issues, or other I'm not sure.

 

He has his own business and his wife is listed in the state records as an officer, so it probably wouldn't be economically feasible for him to get a divorce.

 

However, she obviously doesn't want to just give him up.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe she felt guilty all of a sudden, or she is realizing that she's having her cake and eating it too and getting away with it. She certainly is riding her high (seems she was quite euphoric) right now though. To do the 180 so quickly makes me suspicious. BE aware and just shield your heart......

 

For her to get a breast implant and not even discuss it with you is WEIRD! If you two were just casually dating, that's one thing, but she is your wife and this doesn't only affect her, it affects you. The make-over, her wanting bigger boobs and the sudden mood change ALL are red flags.

 

I'm torn as to what to do. She has told me that if I file for divorce she will fight it and will make my life miserable. Of course, it's already miserable, but it probably could get worse.

 

Is she unbalanced or something? Seriously.

 

Anyway, you keep copies of the emails and if I were in your shoes, HIRE a PI. Even if you have to borrow $$ from a bro/sis or your bestfriend, DO IT. Protect yourself now because something is brewing.......Also, she IS cheating on you, making all these changes for a reason. Get all the proof you need and make sure YOU are the sane and stable one cuz if you do divorce her (if you do bust her about the cheating) and it goes to court, you want make sure you have information and proof to back you up so she CAN'T screw you over.

 

Be strong and keep posting. Sorry this is happening to you, you don't deserve it.

[Curmudgeon]

My gut feeling is that she decided after the meeting that I'm a better alternative than he is.

 

My gut feeling would be that if I had to compared to another by my wife I wouldn't want her to be my wife any longer.

 

Being a "better alternative" is NOT a loving decision or distinction. It's self-serving and calculating. Actually, it's tantamount to selling herself to the highest bidder. You know there are names for women who sell themselves and the legal tender doesn't always have to be money.