Wife is meeting with ex-lover

[Curmudgeon]

W is meeting OM again next Thursday for drinks. According to OM it'll be like the first part of celebrating New Year's eve. This will be the 'out with the old' (my W's small boobs), and then they'll get together later to celebrate 'in with the new' (breast implants).

 

I see no advantage to me in confronting W at this time. If she knew that I was spying on her she would just be more careful, and I would never know what's going on. So my plans are to wait for the 'in with the new' celebration, see what happens and go from there.

 

I've been patient for 4 years, another few weeks probably won't hurt me.

 

Should I change counselors, or is what I described normal?

 

...is your status as a vapid doormat.

 

Sorry, Bud! I soft-peddled it before but not now.

 

You're pathetic.

 

If you don't have the huevos to kick her to the curb then you deserve precisely what you're getting!

 

You might want to consider changing your handle from "Gullible" to "Weak," "Wuss," or "Wimp!"

[Lynna]

Wow, your situation does not sound good. I would confront your wife with what you know. Sounds like at the very least she has been in an emotional affair. She is not dedicated to your marriage. She is fixing herself up for the other guy and acting like it was for you because she is feeling guilty. Yes, I think I would find another counselor and tell them all your concerns from the beginning. I know counseling takes awhile to make a lot of headway, but they should definitely be following up on the most critical points right away.

[LakesideDream]

#1. Am I wrong, or is whether they have sex less important than having an emotional involvement. Or maybe it's part of the difference between men and women. Women don't usually have sex without emotional involvement, men quite often do.

 

#2. Say I do get between her and this guy and they supposedly sever the relationship. What have I accomplished? If she's in love with him and she stays with me that's three people that are unhappy. (I'm including myself, because I will never know if the relationship has really been severed).

 

 

I just re-read your comments above gullible. You truely are amazing! As to #1, of course you are wrong in your assertion that emotions vs. physical is not a difference. When a spouse formes an emotional relationship outside marriage, there is a possibility that that emotional relationship will become unnecessary and that the marriage can be saved. Once your wife offers her vagina to a man outside her marriage, that damage cannot be undone. You may say you could forgive, or overlook the act in the future, however that just is not a reasonable position to take.

 

From experiance (and a ton of reading on LS) I can tell you that the mental images of your wife being penetrated and all that the act entails by her lover will not leave you.

 

Given your appearant lack of emotional connection to her and her behavior you might be the exception.

 

Why exactly are you still married to this woman again? I must have forgotten, and your recent answers don't lend a clue.

[Sal Paradise]

I see no advantage to me in confronting W at this time. If she knew that I was spying on her she would just be more careful, and I would never know what's going on. So my plans are to wait for the 'in with the new' celebration, see what happens and go from there.

 

I've been patient for 4 years, another few weeks probably won't hurt me.

 

 

 

Another fews weeks? You've probably been telling yourself that for 4 years. You need to stop being a damn wimp (no offense) and stand up for yourself.

 

Also if the goal is to save your marriage every day you wait you're getting further and further from accomplishing that goal. What are you waiting on? If she hasn't slept with him yet she will if you keep allowing this horse crap to continue. If you wait for that it will be a thousand times harder if not impossible to save your marriage. Maybe you're hoping she sleeps with him and then decides to leave you so you won't have to deal with it. Take control of your own damn life and stop wallowing in self pity.

 

If you continue to act this way you will never be happy. Whether you're with your wife or someone else. You can't find love and respect unless you learn to love and respect yourself. You can't have self respect when you act like a doormat for other people to walk all over.

 

Even with the counseling session it sounds like you're looking for a reason to stop going. You don't want to deal with it so you're shutting down. If you don't like the counselor find a new one but don't stop going. If you don't learn to take action and stop waiting around for other people to react things will never get better. Do something!!!

 

I'm not trying to be harsh but you need to pull your head out your rear end and face your problems. They're not going to go away. They're not going to work themselves out. You have to do it yourself. Putting it off until next week, the week after or next month will accomplish NOTHING. And if you wait until she sleeps with him you will regret waiting this long. She is already cheating on you emotionally if you allow this to become physical there may be no going back.

 

Four years is far too long to suffer through this BS. Tell her all contact with that piece of crap needs to stop. Tell her about all the crap you've read over the past 4 years. Don't allow her to turn the tables and blame you (she will, trust me on that). Tell her she either works on the marriage and cuts off all contact or you're filing for divorce. Don't worry about her pathetic threats of making your life miserable. She's already done that for the past four years, how much worse can it get?

 

If you confront her and stand your ground; one of three things will happen....

 

1) She will decide that she wants to work on the marriage and you two can go into counseling together.

 

2) She will decide that she wants a divorce.

 

3) She will deny it and refuse to break contact with the OM, and you can file for divorce.

 

 

Any of these possibilities is better than your present circumstances. Any of the three possibilities could potentially lead to you being happy at some point.

 

Your present circumstances will pnly lead to more pain and more misery.

[gullible]

I have carefully considered this and I think Curmudgeon is right - I should change my username to wimp, however I can't figure out how, so I'll leave it for now.

 

I've decided I can't go on like this any longer. The counseling sessions seem to be a waste of time.

 

I know the password to the yahoo email account that W set up specifically to email OM, and I check it several times per day. There have been no emails that I have been able to see since 6/9 when they agreed to meet for drinks on 6/21 (tomorrow). Of course W could have immediately deleted them, but she wasn't doing this in the past, so it seems strange that she would start now.

 

I think this means one of two things:

 

1. She decided that what she was doing was wrong, sent an email to OM and told him that she couldn't see him or email him any more. She doesn't save the sent emails, so I would have no way of knowing this unless he replied to her email.

 

2. She became suspicious that I was reading her email and set up a brand new email account.

 

I, of course, would prefer to think that it was #1.

 

The date with OM was set for 2:30 tomorrow. She gets off work at 2 on Thursdays, and this morning she told me that she was going to her daughter's (50 miles away) after work to go shopping. This means that she must have canceled the date with OM. I can confirm whether she really did go shopping with D by checking to see if she bought anything using the ATM card.

 

I am really a wreck today, wondering if she really cancelled the date and is going to D's house tomorrow, or if she's using that as an excuse for not getting home early tomorrow night.

 

I have decided that I can't go on like this. I am going to try to talk to W this weekend. My problem is figuring out what to say.

[2sunny]

i'm sure she is saying she is going shopping far away to have that much more time with OM.

 

i'd follow her after she is off work (rent a car if you need to). watch where she goes - and confront her while she's there.

 

why are you waiting for the weekend... act now - before things get any worse for all of you!

[whichwayisup]

Then install a keylogger onto her computer.

 

Fact that she has another secret acount is telling you something, isn't it?

 

Sunny2 is right, if you can follow her or get a friend you know/trust to see wtf she does while she's not at home with you.

 

I have decided that I can't go on like this. I am going to try to talk to W this weekend. My problem is figuring out what to say.

 

Be honest. Speak from your heart. Tell her what she is doing is KILLING you, so she has to either STOP completely and focus on you and the marriage or GET OUT. Bottomline, if you continue to let her do whatever the F she wants, she WILL take advantage and do just that. And in the process you're losing pieces of yourself and this situation will drive you into the nuthouse. Confront her, and DO NOT let her talk her way out of it. She has no respect here and has shaken your faith and trust in her. Why should you believe her when all she does is lie and sneak around? Think about it.

 

Another thing, don't give up on therapy...It may seem like right now it's not working but once you open up and really let the therapist HELP you, it will get better.

[ThumbingMyWay]

The date with OM was set for 2:30 tomorrow. She gets off work at 2 on Thursdays, and this morning she told me that she was going to her daughter's (50 miles away) after work to go shopping. This means that she must have canceled the date with OM. I can confirm whether she really did go shopping with D by checking to see if she bought anything using the ATM card.

 

I am really a wreck today, wondering if she really cancelled the date and is going to D's house tomorrow, or if she's using that as an excuse for not getting home early tomorrow night.

 

 

brother...my gut tells me she is meeting the OM. The comment about going shopping is to give her more time with OM. IMP...she is lieing and meeting the OM. This is your chance to get proof...

 

Several things you can do....

 

Have her followed by a friend after work

 

Check the milage in the car before she leaves for work and when she gets home. Factor in the drive time to work and what not, plus the 100 miles round trip or so....if she comes back and the milage has not increase by at least that much...then she didnt drive the 100 miles.

 

Call her daughter the next day to ask how shopping was with her mom. You will either get a "HUH"? or a "it was great why do you ask"?

 

Watch to see if she has been drinking or is drunk when she gets home. if she is, how could she drive 100 miles round trip and come home drunk?

 

Keep an eye on what she wears to work tomorrow. if she is all dolled up...thats a red flag. Check to see if she brings a change of clothes or makeup, etc. If the change of clothes is casual for shopping, fine...then the mileage should add up. if the change of clothes is NIGHT OUT wear...then somethings not right.

 

 

Dude....no more laying low on this one. She is playing you, because she knows you take it. DONT TAKE IT ANYMORE. She needs to know that if she wants to stay friends with this guy, then she needs to include you.

 

Maybe you can find his name and contact his wife to see if she knows these 2 are friends and meeting for drinks.

 

If i ever told my wife I was meeting a formal lover for drinks and we are only friends and i didnt inlcude her....it would never fly. So if i still wanted to meet this former lover...what would I do?......i would lie and meet them anyway and I would keep the relationship secret......

 

When a spouse has a relationship and interactions with a person of the opposite sex that the other spouse doesnt know about....is a huge red flag that things arent on the up and up.

 

Dont lay low on this.....I wish I could go back and do things differently....albeit my wife and I are fine now....but dude, i was duped and decieved bigtime by my wife....why? Because I didnt stand up for myself and I just let her get away with things....and she used that to her advantage....Cheaters are very devious....dont under estimate them....Not saying your wife is cheating....but there are tons of red flags in your postings.

 

 

good luck...

[Darth Vader]

brother...my gut tells me she is meeting the OM. The comment about going shopping is to give her more time with OM. IMP...she is lieing and meeting the OM. This is your chance to get proof...

 

Several things you can do....

 

Have her followed by a friend after work

 

Check the milage in the car before she leaves for work and when she gets home. Factor in the drive time to work and what not, plus the 100 miles round trip or so....if she comes back and the milage has not increase by at least that much...then she didnt drive the 100 miles.

 

Call her daughter the next day to ask how shopping was with her mom. You will either get a "HUH"? or a "it was great why do you ask"?

 

Watch to see if she has been drinking or is drunk when she gets home. if she is, how could she drive 100 miles round trip and come home drunk?

 

Keep an eye on what she wears to work tomorrow. if she is all dolled up...thats a red flag. Check to see if she brings a change of clothes or makeup, etc. If the change of clothes is casual for shopping, fine...then the mileage should add up. if the change of clothes is NIGHT OUT wear...then somethings not right.

 

 

Dude....no more laying low on this one. She is playing you, because she knows you take it. DONT TAKE IT ANYMORE. She needs to know that if she wants to stay friends with this guy, then she needs to include you.

 

Maybe you can find his name and contact his wife to see if she knows these 2 are friends and meeting for drinks.

 

If i ever told my wife I was meeting a formal lover for drinks and we are only friends and i didnt inlcude her....it would never fly. So if i still wanted to meet this former lover...what would I do?......i would lie and meet them anyway and I would keep the relationship secret......

 

When a spouse has a relationship and interactions with a person of the opposite sex that the other spouse doesnt know about....is a huge red flag that things arent on the up and up.

 

Dont lay low on this.....I wish I could go back and do things differently....albeit my wife and I are fine now....but dude, i was duped and decieved bigtime by my wife....why? Because I didnt stand up for myself and I just let her get away with things....and she used that to her advantage....Cheaters are very devious....dont under estimate them....Not saying your wife is cheating....but there are tons of red flags in your postings.

 

 

good luck...

 

 

Thumbs, honest question here, how the heck does your wife live with herself knowing all the crap she put you through? Also, I saw your pic, hmmmm, well not to me anyway, but as far as hansome men go, well you know what I mean, Anyway, ahem, if you look like that, why the heck stay with your wife when you could've booted her butt to the curb and traded her in for 2 20 year olds? And PLEEASE don't say that because you love her. My point is, you're not Dean Martin, but pretty darn close! You could have your pick!

[ThumbingMyWay]

Thumbs, honest question here, how the heck does your wife live with herself knowing all the crap she put you through? Also, I saw your pic, hmmmm, well not to me anyway, but as far as hansome men go, well you know what I mean, Anyway, ahem, if you look like that, why the heck stay with your wife when you could've booted her butt to the curb and traded her in for 2 20 year olds? And PLEEASE don't say that because you love her. My point is, you're not Dean Martin, but pretty darn close! You could have your pick!

 

well....thanks LOL

 

really though....I must say that I stayed for lots of reasons....mostly because I do care and love her. Alot for the kids and keeping the 2 parent in same house family unit intact. She is my good friend also...and we do have fun together.

 

But to be honest....and this could be a thread in its own for me....but after 3 years since D-day.....I often "WONDER" what it would be like if I made the other choice. And I wonder about it more now than ever....dont know why. Are my wife and I giddy in love....no....thats gone....but we have a very long relationship which has given us that deep love and caring for each other. YES I know...she cheated...yes it hurt...yes she is remoreseful....yes it can still be difficult at times.

 

But this is what I choose...and she also choose to stay...so that says alot to me. BUT...I admit...I wonder what its like.....I sure hope no Lizzies cross my path...LOL. Hionestly....tempation for 2-20 years is higher now...and it does concern me....but i do my best to keep my lust on gaurd...

 

 

ANY WAY....So Gullible.....what happened yesterday?

[Darth Vader]

well....thanks LOL

 

really though....I must say that I stayed for lots of reasons....mostly because I do care and love her. Alot for the kids and keeping the 2 parent in same house family unit intact. She is my good friend also...and we do have fun together.

 

But to be honest....and this could be a thread in its own for me....but after 3 years since D-day.....I often "WONDER" what it would be like if I made the other choice. And I wonder about it more now than ever....dont know why. Are my wife and I giddy in love....no....thats gone....but we have a very long relationship which has given us that deep love and caring for each other. YES I know...she cheated...yes it hurt...yes she is remoreseful....yes it can still be difficult at times.

 

But this is what I choose...and she also choose to stay...so that says alot to me. BUT...I admit...I wonder what its like.....I sure hope no Lizzies cross my path...LOL. Hionestly....tempation for 2-20 years is higher now...and it does concern me....but i do my best to keep my lust on gaurd...

 

 

ANY WAY....So Gullible.....what happened yesterday?

 

 

I noticed something in your posting, almost underlying. It's not something you typed, but the way it was typed. No to sound insulting at all, but, somehow I seem to get that some of the reason you stayed with her is

 

Security............

[gullible]

.

 

ANY WAY....So Gullible.....what happened yesterday?

 

OM sent W an email Thursday morning saying that he had a business meeting and would have to reschedule the date with W, so it was moved to next Thursday.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her that if she meets OM next Thursday she shouldn't bother coming home PERIOD. Time to get tough and let her know that she CANNOT have her cake and eat it too. Sorry to be harsh, but until you get fed up, pissed off at her, she WILL continue to act like a spoiled brat and DO as she pleases.

[2sunny]

OM sent W an email Thursday morning saying that he had a business meeting and would have to reschedule the date with W, so it was moved to next Thursday.

 

so she did lie about going shopping...and was planning to meet him.

 

why are you standing in an idle position on this?

[Curmudgeon]

Why does the word "emasculation" leap immediately to mind?

[Bryanp]

Two quick points:

 

1) No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

 

2) You judge a person by their actions and not by their words.

 

3) If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Reckless]

that's three

[LakesideDream]

OM sent W an email Thursday morning saying that he had a business meeting and would have to reschedule the date with W, so it was moved to next Thursday.

 

OK, time to give up on this thread. Gulliable, you have no self esteem.... or you are horribly disfigured...... or maybe she's the one paying the bills.

 

There must be a reason you are putting up with the cheating, lies, and deceit.

 

There isn't another self respecting "Metro Sexual" on the planet that would put up with what you do.

 

Suggestion, why don't you go get a haircut and musse, manicure, buy yourself some new cloths, shoes even (on her credit card) and stop by the milk bar. I'm sure you can find another human being to share time with you. With luck they won't be as abusive as your current wife.

[Curmudgeon]

would just guffaw and walk away!

[Sal Paradise]

It's frustratiing to read this thread because you seem determined to not do a damn thing about what she is doing to you. As I said before you almost seem to want her to cheat just so you won't have to confront her. Grow some damn balls.

[gullible]

As I said before you almost seem to want her to cheat just so you won't have to confront her.

 

Really this is not the case. I just need to know for sure. Despite all the evidence to the contrary I still want to believe that there is nothing more than friendship between them. I feel the need to know before confronting her.

 

If she's going to cheat on me she will do it whether or not I confront her. She'll just be more cautious about it if she knows I suspect.

[Curmudgeon]

If she's going to cheat on me she will do it whether or not I confront her.

 

She'll just be more cautious about it if she knows I suspect.

 

She already has cheated on you. Did you ever hear of emotional adultery. Presupposing you've expressed your discomfort to her and she's gone ahead with meeting her former squeeze anyway, that is cheating in my book.

 

As for her caution, if you haven't already tipped your hand I'd be very surprised. You remind me of an eternal optomist who falls from the roof of the Empire State Building and as he passes each set of windows on the way down shouts out, "I ain't dead yet!"

 

The difference is, you're a fatalist, not an optomist.

 

Now I'm done. You don't want advice. You just want to whine and lick your self-imposed wounds in a public forum.

 

Good day to you, Sir! You've overdrawn your sympathy card.

[azianpride143]

This thread is a waste of time. I'm sorry to say this Gullible but you've got issues accepting the fact that she is having an EA. Where do you think this will lead?