Wife is meeting with ex-lover

[gullible]

For her to get a breast implant and not even discuss it with you is WEIRD! If you two were just casually dating, that's one thing, but she is your wife and this doesn't only affect her, it affects you. The make-over, her wanting bigger boobs and the sudden mood change ALL are red flags.

 

We have discussed it several times in the past and she knew that I was opposed to it, so perhaps that's why this time she told me that she was doing it rather than more discussion. Or perhaps there was another reason.

 

She's recently lost 85 pounds and went down from a B to an A. She says that she's smaller now than she's been since her pre-teens and that's the reason she wants to do it.

[gullible]

Saturday she asked me if I thought of her as a "trophy wife". I didn't know what to make of that. I'm only 5 years older than she is and I don't have any money. I felt insulted by the question, but more than that I felt puzzled.

 

She's above average in looks, but definitely not someone that I think would qualify as a trophy wife, even if I was qualified to have a trophy wife.

[GreenEyedLady]

Why are you wanting to save your M? Do you still love her? She really sounds like she's planning to leave...The weight loss, the breast implants, make-over etc. Protect your heart...

[gullible]

I know you're essentially right. Except that I'm not sure she's planning to leave, but I'm relatively sure that she'd like to if there was a way. I went to a counselor and she told me that my problem was that I took the path of least resistance. I guess staying in the marriage is the path of least resistance.

[Darth Vader]

Gullible, that's just really....strange . The implants, changed attitude, emails, sex, threats - maybe someone smarter than me could tell you what to make of it. I don't know...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

She's basically looking for another guy she can screw!(SEX) I say you dump this chic NOW, get a separate account, cancel credit cards, protect the house, 401K, the whole 9 yards. She may get nasty, well get nastier.

[Curmudgeon]

I know you're essentially right. Except that I'm not sure she's planning to leave, but I'm relatively sure that she'd like to if there was a way. I went to a counselor and she told me that my problem was that I took the path of least resistance. I guess staying in the marriage is the path of least resistance.

 

...going to do about it or are you just going to remain passive and vulnerable then snivel about being the victim when she does leave you?

[Darth Vader]

I believe she's already screwed this OM, and it wasn't as good as she thought it was going to be, so she figures to get the implants to really draw the men in, contact a lawyer! Don't pay for anymore of your STBXW's stuff!

[Mr. Lucky]

Saturday she asked me if I thought of her as a "trophy wife". I didn't know what to make of that. I'm only 5 years older than she is and I don't have any money. I felt insulted by the question, but more than that I felt puzzled.

 

She's above average in looks, but definitely not someone that I think would qualify as a trophy wife, even if I was qualified to have a trophy wife.

Tell her yes, she is a "trophy wife" - but in this case the trophy is for second place

 

I wonder if we're not all jumping to conclusions and being a bit hard on her. She may be going through a simple struggle for identity and purpose that seems to hit some people hard in their 40's and 50's. There may also be parts to this story we don't know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Curmudgeon]

But we can only respond to what we're told and thus far, it doesn't look good!

 

My concern is Gullible's passive responses to and seeming acceptance of what he says is occurring.

[gullible]

Tell her yes, she is a "trophy wife" - but in this case the trophy is for second place

 

I wonder if we're not all jumping to conclusions and being a bit hard on her. She may be going through a simple struggle for identity and purpose that seems to hit some people hard in their 40's and 50's. There may also be parts to this story we don't know...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

For four years I've wondered the same thing -- if I've being a bit hard on her and jumping to conclusions. Little by little I've decided that I'm not. One clue was when she had a little to much to drink one night several months ago and said "You know, you'e so gullible." I asked here what she meant by that and didn't get an answer.

 

If there are parts to the story that you don't know, I don't know them either, and I sure would like to. I've wondered if she just feels insecure, but I can't understand why she would. She seems to have a real high opinion of herself, but maybe that's just on the surface.

 

One thing that I failed to mention is that she has told me that she thinks I'm shallow because she thinks that I wasn't as attracted to her after she gained 80 pounds. She's probably right, although I never said anything to indicate that and tried not to show it.

[gullible]

I believe she's already screwed this OM, and it wasn't as good as she thought it was going to be, so she figures to get the implants to really draw the men in, contact a lawyer! Don't pay for anymore of your STBXW's stuff!

 

I think she's probably screwed him many times in the past, but I don't think she has since we've been married. One of the emails that they exchanged discussed the fact that she had handcuffed him to the bed and that he was naked and she couldn't find the key. Usually when a woman handcuffs a man to a bed she is planning to screw him.

[gullible]

But we can only respond to what we're told and thus far, it doesn't look good!

 

My concern is Gullible's passive responses to and seeming acceptance of what he says is occurring.

 

One of my problems is that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. She has assured me that he's just a friend and that there's nothing going on. Even though the evidence says otherwise I really want to believe this.

[amerikajin]

Here's what my gut tells me:

 

Your wife is (or was) angry at you for not giving her enough attention when she put on the added weight, though there could be other issues as well. She feels like you backed away and didn't make her feel beautiful as she was before - when she was with Jim the first time around (before she met you). Your marriage has probably been in a state of slow decay for several years, and it's no longer fun, right?

 

So somewhere along the way, Jim enters the picture. She starts thinking about how much fun she had with this guy when they had their flings. She meanwhile drops the weight, starts looking good again, and now she's starting to reconnect with this guy even more. So now she meets this guy to test things out, see how it feels to be back together again? Your wife and Jim are both married, so she's being extra careful here.

 

But make no mistake about it: she wants to f*ck Jim. She's just waiting for the right occasion.

 

The good news is, there is still time to do something about it. Exactly how you handle this, I don't know, but I would not let them meet again - or if you do, I would make it a point to bump into them by accident.

 

Beyond that, everyone's sitting here telling you to get a divorce, get a divorce, get a divorce. All I can say is, there are other options on the table. You don't necessarily have to get a divorce - even if she cheats on you. Hell, you could even have an open marriage if you wanted, though the best alternative might be just to work out whatever problems you have.

[green-eyed beauty]

Make sure she pays for her breast implants herself.

[whichwayisup]

I also would (just for safety reasons ofcourse) make a Dr appt and get afew tests done to make sure you don't have a STD.

[Curmudgeon]

One of my problems is that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

I do too so I can somewhat understand. However, I decidedly draw the line at being anyone's patsy whether I love them or not.

 

You came here. You asked for opinions and advice. You've received plenty. You're still being passive. You deserve the life you're willing to settle for.

 

Pity!

 

I wouldn't do it, but I'm not you.

[michelangelo]

And she's meeting a cough-cough "former" lover?

 

Um, she's preparing herself for the next guy and/or this "former" lover and wants you to pay for it.

 

You need to inform her that you are not paying for anything like cosmetic surgery.

 

In fact, inform her that you are not filing separate taxes and segregating your finances from her as much as possible.

 

Take back your life. She's totally disrespecting you.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be putting up with such disrespect and humiliation from you? You are gullible because you choose to be gullible. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[LulaMae]

She is definitely cheating! Why is it OK for her to discuss the handcuff incident with her former lover - now just friends???? Friends do not discuss past sexual encounters with each other if they are truly trying to maintain the boundaries of friendship...and don't think that this type of correspondence was not a turn-on tantamount to foreplay for the both of them. This is unacceptable...I really don't see how you were able to let her meet with him without somehow blowing the whole thing up - I like Mr. Lucky's idea about showing up, but I love the Private Detective idea even more. It keeps you removed and gives you proof in the event of divorce. You have been snooping thus far so it shouldn't be a big thing. Also true about STDs - get checked and remember "Is all of this worth it if you were to find out she gave you an STD, in particular AIDS or Herpes (no cure)??"

 

I think you have enough proof to act on....my guess is that now that she feels hot she would rather have someone else enjoy the "goods" since you were not there for her when she was overweight. In any event, she has agreed to let anyone (including this other man) see her breasts after surgery....give me a break. And where do we think this "viewing" would occur? She has been emotionally cheating, possibly physically cheating, but definitely planning to cheat. She is no longer making decisions about her body with you - the person who has vowed to take care of her if something goes wrong with the procedure and she God-forbid takes ill. I would hire a PD and put myself out of the misery. Good luck!!

[Ladyjane14]

Beyond that, everyone's sitting here telling you to get a divorce, get a divorce, get a divorce. All I can say is, there are other options on the table. You don't necessarily have to get a divorce - even if she cheats on you. Hell, you could even have an open marriage if you wanted, though the best alternative might be just to work out whatever problems you have.

 

A agree with this. Taking a proactive stance doesn't necessarily mean the you throw in the towel.

 

For one thing, you don't really know what's going on here yet. I can see the possibility of some passive/aggressive behavior regarding her ex-lover. If there was damage to her self-esteem way back when, she might just be lording her new figure over him with a "you can't touch this" attitude. She did refuse to meet him at the two motels he suggested and settled on a restaurant instead.

 

On the other hand, she could have "interviewed" him as a prospective lover and found him wanting.

 

There's just no way to know without climbing into her head a little bit, and you two don't seem to be communicating all that well.

 

The "makeovers" and whatnot, would seem to indicate she's having some vanity issues with aging. Depending on what your sexual relationship is at home, she could be craving more validation through sexual contact. It's possible that YOU could step up to the plate and 'fill the bill' if you know what she's looking for. Again, how's your communication?

 

She's definitely not creating emotional intimacy with you. She's not including you as her top priority. The question is 'why?'. And what can YOU do to reestablish trust and communication? You can't control her, you can only control you... so what steps can you take that will lead you both back to a state of intimacy again?

 

There's a couple of threads in the Separation/Divorce forum from PWSX3. In them, he describes his recent separation from his wife of many years and their current reconciliation. After having been apart, he's noticed a growth in his own activity level and a change in his interests. But she seems somewhat static and unable to share these new interests with him. They're working through it, but if left unaddressed, I can see the potential for a loss of intimacy.

 

So I think another good question to ask yourself is... Are there ways in which your lifestyle choices, ie. interests, activities, hobbies, diet and exercise goals, etc., could more fully mesh?

 

I think it's perfectly okay to set boundaries on behaviors that are intolerable to you. Meeting old lovers is DEFINITELY something I'd have a problem with if it were my spouse. I don't expect him to cater to my insecurities, but I sure as heck don't expect him to CREATE new ones either. I don't think he'd like it if the shoe were on the other foot, so I expect him to treat me the way he'd like to be treated.

 

You're just going to HAVE to speak up. Give a little. Get a little. And if you want to keep this woman in your life, you need to build some emotional intimacy with her.

 

Whatever you decide though, as I said earlier, if you feel like you can't live with that woman without the obsessive "checking"... then you just can't live with that particular woman.

[Ladyjane14]

Saturday she asked me if I thought of her as a "trophy wife". I didn't know what to make of that. I'm only 5 years older than she is and I don't have any money. I felt insulted by the question, but more than that I felt puzzled.

 

She's above average in looks, but definitely not someone that I think would qualify as a trophy wife, even if I was qualified to have a trophy wife.

 

She was asking you for validation. And it doesn't sound like you gave it to her.

This isn't any different in substance than the one where she asks you... "Do these pants make my ass look fat?"

 

Your communications with one another is in rough shape. If I asked my husband the same question... he'd be validatin' like a mad man. Because he loves me enough to tell me I'm "hot"... even on days when I'm absolutely certain I look like a gargoyle.

 

The CORRECT answer to "Am I your trophy wife?" is a resounding... "YES".

[gullible]

She was asking you for validation. And it doesn't sound like you gave it to her.

This isn't any different in substance than the one where she asks you... "Do these pants make my ass look fat?"

 

Your communications with one another is in rough shape. If I asked my husband the same question... he'd be validatin' like a mad man. Because he loves me enough to tell me I'm "hot"... even on days when I'm absolutely certain I look like a gargoyle.

 

The CORRECT answer to "Am I your trophy wife?" is a resounding... "YES".

 

I did give her the correct answer, although I was puzzled about the question. My answer was a resonding yes. And I do tell her she's hot quite often.

[crazy_grl]

At 4:30 she called me and asked if I wanted to meet her for drinks after work. I said "Sure" and we met. She was dressed very sexy and looked great. I asked how she was able to leave work early. She said "To tell the truth, I took off this afternoon to have a makeover". She had spent $250 for a makeover and new cosmetics.

 

She was a changed person. Previously she had acted like she was very unhappy with me. All of a sudden everything was great. She told me how much she loved me and that I was the best husband, etc. That night we had sex for the first time in several months.

 

I read this thread yesterday, and I was almost in agreement with you about this, but the rest of the pieces just didn't quite fit into your theory that things are going well. Reading again, it seems more likely that her meeting with this guy made her feel hot again, or like she has reason to want to be hot. I think her change of behavior has more to do with her and how she feels about herself than about how she feels about you and your marriage.

 

He responded that they needed to get together for drinks before the surgery so he could see them before, and then again after. She said that she would let anyone that was interested see them afterwards. She just kinda let the before slide by.

 

Of course she let the before slide by. She doesn't want her potential new lover to see the old, small breasts. She wants him to only see the new, hot, big ones.

 

I'm assuming because of the fact that she seems happy with me again that either they didn't hit it off, that it really was only a friendship, or that he told her that he wasn't leaving his wife.

 

Based on your previous statement, I don't think you can make that conclusion. I think it's wishful thinking. If she was happy with you and not considering sleeping with this guy, she wouldn't have promised to let him see her breasts. She said she'd let anyone see them as a way to flirt with him without being too forward about it... unless your wife is the type who really is going to show everyone and anyone her "assets". But even then, where do you think that's going to go down? In front of you or at the Holiday Inn?

 

Sorry, man.

 

Have you two ever been to counseling or talked about it?

[gullible]

...going to do about it or are you just going to remain passive and vulnerable then snivel about being the victim when she does leave you?

 

 

I won't snivel if she leaves me. I prepared myself mentally for that last summer, and I would be happy to get it over with.

[gullible]

I read this thread yesterday, and I was almost in agreement with you about this, but the rest of the pieces just didn't quite fit into your theory that things are going well. Reading again, it seems more likely that her meeting with this guy made her feel hot again, or like she has reason to want to be hot. I think her change of behavior has more to do with her and how she feels about herself than about how she feels about you and your marriage.

 

Have you two ever been to counseling or talked about it?

 

I have considered the possibility that she met Jim just to make her feel hot, and that's a definite possibliity. However I don't think so, but perhaps I'm wrong.

 

Yes, I have considered counseling, and I think that's the route I'm going to take. I've been seriously considering it all week and I think you just gave me the small shove that helped me finalize my decision.