When to give up?

[guest17]

Hola! This is my first time posting. Of course as many here, I need a lil help with the typical problems of marriages and relationship.

 

My husband and I have been married for a lil over 3 years and together goin on six years. We have the typical marriage as others (our issues), just a lil out of the ordinary because we were a military family. I will try to keep this as short as possible.

 

My husband had already been enlisted going on 4 yrs when I met him. Yes, before anyone ask especially Gunny. I knew of the consequences, and sacrafices that would come with dating a military, especially a marine. We all know that you all dont have the best reputation, no offfense. I accepted him for what and who he is, no questions asked.

 

We are still somewhat young, hes 26, and im 27, we have a 4 year old daughter. When I met him he had already been divorced once. He claims he maaried young and naive. To me this was no problem. I only asked, asked, and asked when we got serious and he propesed shortly after I got pregnant to make sure he wanted this marriage. See in the beginning, I felt that we rushed into things so I wanted him to be sure that he was going to be commited and my daughter and I, is what he wanted. I asked him when he proposed when I got pregnant that he proposed because he wanted to maary me, and not cause he knocked me up. Also he had just been freshly divorced, and I wondered if this serious relationship was too much too soon. No, he assured, and assured me plenty of times that he wanted this family.

 

When we first met and for the first 2.5 years od dating were LDR. During this time of dating I trusted him. I'm attempting to keep it short. Since we have been married and daring we have been thru Iraq War, which lead to 3 deployments, extensive time apart with the training, still newlyweds, our 4 year old daughter, his mom living with us, and 2 affairs, one of which I know of, the other I will never know, today my heart has taken so many beatings I feel like giving up.

 

I know you all may say there are two sides of the story, Yeah, I know that thru this relationship I've dedicated all my heart and soul, as many spouses have. I ask myself when is enough, enough, how do you give up. I'm as stubborn as they come, I hate to give up, it's not in me, im a fighter. I know that there are many miltary spouses that sacrafice and do so much for our military spouses unconditionally. Regardles of miltary familyor not, these are the vows you commit to when you marry in general, it's just a lil harder when your military spouse. Well I, as many military spouses dedicated my life, love, heart, and soul to my marine, my husband, my BF, my lover, the father of my daughter. I placed them in that order because all that have or are married to a miltary person. You all know you are married to your spouse and the brach of service they are with. I knew that as long as my husband decided to be a marine, this would come first and the family second. When training came, or deplolyemtns came I always understood. I knew that was his duty and commitment. So this is why I gave all of me to him, and I knew that I would love him regardles and always wait for him no matter what.

 

The first 3 years were great while dating. During these 3 years we would go thru the first and second deployment. The frist time he deployed our daughter was only 2.5 weeks. Cant complain at least he was here for her birth. The first deployment was hard because of OIF I. I was terrified of how he would return, but I thank GOD everyday for bringing him home safe. We kept the communication as much as we could, but it was hard due to the was our nation was suffering after vietnam, and honestly communication was a luxury to the family members. When he return 7 months later, he seemed okay to me. He lost friends and fellow marines, and saw things that you and I could never imagine, but he seemed normal to me. No signs of PTSD. He talked to me once about things he did, saw, and was forced to do, he mosty spoke of things to males it seemed. Like my brothers, and male friends. I did'nt push on the subject because we were told in briefing to never force information on them.

 

We kept the LDR afte he came back, we were engaged. We talked of moving to San Deigo, then later we found out the he got orders from Pendelton to Miramar, and as soon as he would chek in with the new unit, shortly after that he would deployed again. So we decided it would be best to stay where I was. Things were okay in the beginning, but as soon as it got close to deployment, came the extensive training, which meant less time together. It was hard, but acceptable I understood (at times I did hate it). Deployemnet got close, and closer, and it seemed like we were growing apart. We decided to get married before he left so we did. We married on 2/10/04, four days later he deployed.

 

Um, yeah the second deployment! He left on good terms, we were good. So I thought. Once we were married, as lot of military spouses knew they leave you all their info, and responsibilities, POA. Well, Mr. Dodo, left me his cell, beacuse I didn' t have one at the time. Ten days after he left I recieved a funky call. Some girl, I dont even remeber her name anymore looking for Miguel, which those of you who know Spanish. Miguel is Spanish for Michael. At first I was like you got the wrong number. As they say curiosity killed the cat. The call left me uncomfartable, so I pulled a phone bill. Sure enough there were multiple calls to the same number that called looking for my husband now. So I called back this person who never actually gave a legiet name for all I know. She claimed she had met my husband a while back around Pendleton, and she had been sexual with him a few times, and she didnt know he had a GF at the time, or was even engaged or much less married. My world came to and end.

 

How would I confront him now that he's on the other side of the world fighting a war, and wouldn't return for another seven months. What would I do. I couln't function, I wouldn't eat, sleep, and din't want to go to work. I was I goingto hold this in for seven more months. I just couldn't, I knew that if I waited it would tear me up inside, and for my now 1 year old daughter I couldn't afford to let that happen. I decided to call back the individual and get specific information from her, based on this info I would try to get a hold of some of his friends that wer still here. When I called her back she seemed bother like I was harrasing her. I explained that I was in the every right to know, and I wanted all details she knew of him. Fortunate to say, the reason I mentioned in the beginnig of this post unitl this day I dont know what to make of this. Many thigs she said didn't add up to my husband physical descriptions, such as tattoos, his vehicle, and other questions I asked she had no clue of. She did know that he's tall and bald, and described some of his friends, and the area where she claims they met did make sense. I didn't know what to make of it all, did I believe her or not, she did make full sense.

 

The next week was horrible. What would I do, I couldn;t move on without hearing what he had to say, but how. How would be avle to contact him, and if and when I did. How would I ask the man I just married and love, if he had an affair while hes on the other side of the world fighting a war. All of it became to overwhelming, no food, no sleep, my work was slipping thru my hands, I was very betrayed, let down, hurt. Finally it all overwhelme me and I just wanted it over, I decide I would file for divorce and wait to hear from him, and I would confess all to him and mail him the divorce. I went to see a lawyer, he was no help. Nobody could help me, I needed to speak with him and soon. I kept the affair from my family but two sisters. My mom and dad saw my husband like a son, to them he was the best that had ever happened to me. Later that week I got a call from him, he said he had to keep it short. He was just calling to make sure all was okay, and to let me know he was safe and okay. I couldn't speak to him, i was so speechless, he kept asking if all was okay, and finally I broke down. The anger took over me and I let it all out. I told him who the individual claimed she was, how she knew him, that she was looking for him, and that they had been together a few times. He swore he knew nothing of her, none of the names cliked, (she gave me like 3 diff names), he denied, denied it all. I told him that was fine, how could he do that to me. After all I had done for him, waiting for him thru another deployment after the first time, and now this. I told him I was confused and I didnt want to make decisions while he was gone. Yes, my mind told me a divorce that he wasn't worth me waiting for, after all I do and sacrafice, but in my heart I couldnt find it to abond him and leave his at his own mercy while in Iraq.

 

I decided that I would wait unitl he return to confront him of the situation, in the meantime I told him not to expect much from me. That I would be there to support him, as a wife should be, but it was going to be very hard for me to do. When I decided to wait for his return it was hard to stay focused in the marriage, especially when it came to more calls, e-mails and letters. I felt like I was forcing myself to say things, and write things that I wasnt even sure of him deserving. As we all time heals all, as time flew I would forgive but not forget the affair. I stayed the dedicated wife I wanted to be, not expected. I stayed strong fr my daughter and for me, I waited to see what time would tell and bring. Keep in mind had it been him waiting for me, and I deployed, the roles reversed, he wouldn't not of waited even a simple response from me. He would of taken the betrayal, left me, and went on his merry way. Not once, even when I would go out with friends on birthdays, even after I would get a lot of cat calls, and approached alot did I ever think of paying him back with a lil taste of his own medicine.

 

When he came back things were different it was like we were more friends than a married couple. I went to meet him for his arrival to the states, no questions asked. My daughter and I greeted him with open arms and a warm loving heart. It was going to be hard, but I knew I wouls have to force myself to be strong, understanding, and not force the issue right away. So as if seven months of waiting wasn't enough, I had to again wait unitl he mentally, and emotionally ready to speak of the affair. This deployment he was the same to me, it was I that was different. I loved this man, but at the same time I felt so betrayed, let down, hurt, and yet he expected to return to the same wife, person he last saw on that flightline when he left, I almost hated him. I wated days to see of he wanted to talk about his experience of the war, and friends he lost. Yes, believe it or not I was supportive, and was there for him emotionally as he told of his experience. Funny how things work, i'm not saying he told me his experience for me to feel sorry for him, but if he did it worked.

 

More days went by, weeks, and a month later we talked of him goin on leave to see his family. His family wanted to see him and our daughter. We went on leave for three weeks, and while we were on leave he kept pushing on the subject of moving to San Diego. My heart leaned to yes, but my mind leaned to no. I love him, but how could I trust him again. Plus I was furios because I was expected to be so understanding if his situation, that it was almost like I was just supposed to forget the affair, and never speak of it again because he just got back from war and it the least of his worries. I took it like he got busted, gets a slap on the hand, is told to not do it again, and I'm to belive he is not. I finally decided if I wanted to continue my new marriage with this man, I was going to haveto take matters into my own hands, and it was going to have to be up to me what became of this marriage. I had to s***, or get of the pot. Oh, but I wasn't going to go down without a fight. I brought up the affair, the more I brought it up the more he would avoid the subject, and later the more I brought it up the angrier and frustrated he would get. At times he just denied it all, swore he had nothing to do with that individual, plus at times he loan out his phone to friends (yeah, sure). i came to the conclusion that if there had been an affair he didn't have the sufficient cojones to confess. It would be up to me to forgive and forget, yeah easier sayd than done.

 

We moved to SD later that year, things were getting better slowly. The mistrust was still there. Two months later I was going to make another mistake in my life. His mom was having finacial problems so we decided to make things easy for her, and that she can have some time to get to know our daughter we would ask her to come live with us, ( I kick myself in the ass everyday for this). It was a mutual agreement, what was I going to tell him no anyway, and let his mom end up in the streets. His mom moved in wiht us two months after we had just moved to SD. So here we were, just got married earlier that same year in Feb 04, he deployed ten days later, I got slapped with a possible affair ten days after he deploys, he gets back 7 months later, the following month we move in together for the first time of being newlyweds, then two months later his mom moves in, while I have no trust in my husband, talk about being a stupid, naive, and young couple, man were we dumb, am I dumb.

 

Everything is good at first, him mom and I had always got along before. I always though as well as her (so she says) that we got along well as a mother and daughter in law. Things were fishy between my husband and I, they would never be the same and I just couldn't accept it. Everyone knows its hard to maintain a relationship, much less a marriage without trust. As if our up and downs weren't hard enough on my husband and I, mt daughter, and im sure his mom didn't like being in the middle. As far as I was concern it was hard to have a conversation, or fight, argue, of course because now not only was their no trust in our marriage, but now we had no privacy. I tried to be considerate of her, but at times it was hard because I couldnt hold back from saying what I had to say to him at times. I dont know how or why, but eventually his Mom, started butting in our conversations, arguments, and fights, even when it came to discplining our daughter, she had to put in het two cents, to us and would try to discpline our daughter in front of us. At first it was like just a few times, then it just became a lil too common. So now as far as I was concerned it was all fair game, if she wanted to put in her two centsm then she would have to hear us out too. I never confronted her on my own, I woulod go to my husband to have a talk to her about butting in with us, and our daughter. As if that wasnt enough, in the beginning because she worked a some what hard physical job (Target) I didn't expect much from her when it came to the cleanliness of the house, plus she was living with us rent and utility free. At first in the house she did some stuf, very little. I can count on one hand as to how many times or things she did around the house in the lil over 2 years she lived with us. Plus I can also count on one hand the amount of times she willingly mentioned or volunteered to give us money or simply help out with the groceries (she mentioned that because she was only one person she didn't eat that much) to me that's not the point, i mean if you are living rent and utility free, not helping around the house, the fact of how much you are obligated to or the right amount of your responsibilty should be a question. (that just me, i guess I was raised differently). Then at times when we had our won family outings, like a movie or eat out, go to the mall, or park, if she wasnt invited all the time or we did something while she was at work, oh man would we get the guilt trip from her. It was like she was trying to control her son and somewhat our lives in a way. When we would go out of town to see my family, and my husband wouldn't call her to tell her we arrived safely or to let her know when we were getting bacjk in to town, she would give him the third degree. I guess thats when her and I started to butt heads. It got to be too much, the butting in our business with us and our daughter, the no pitching in of groceries, doing nothing around the house, and then trying to control the situation, like it was her house, I wasn't having it anymore. It wasnt that I was trying to get my husband to go against his mom, or go against what she would say, I just felt like she was treating him like a little boy. In my opinion he wasn't a lil boy anymore, he was a grown man, who was providing the roof that is over our head, if I didn't treat him that way, and I didn't like her treating him that way either. If we were iwth friends having a cookout she would literally order him to get her a drink, a plate, or fix her a coctail, not even I would ask him or mcuh less expect it from him, it not like she was disabled. She still saw him as a 6 year old boy that she could boss around, but she was wrong he's a grown man, with a family of his own, who was now providing the roof over her head, after her many years of independence and taking care of him the roles were sort of reversed. I know that was hard for her to accepts and realize the reality, here is a grown woman in her 50's, that was a single mother of two, who provided for hem both while struggling at the same time, and being independent for many years while having her own home, to being dependant of her son, I could only imagine how hard it was for her to accpet that. We were understanding of that, we did set her rules and regulations of the home, she simply tried to run it as if it were her own, and I of course I was letting it happen.

 

Her living with is wasnt supposed to last very long, my husband was going to try to get orders for recruiter, then once he graduated school she was to move back home and we would go where he would get orders too. Unfortunately my husband wasn't accepted for recruiter, this meant her would stay with his unit and we now faced the possiblity of deployment for the third time. Sure enough, the rumors of deployment we now confirmed as news. I just wondered if it she was going to move or want to stay. As far as I was concerned it was now to a year that she been living with us, and with so many problems amoung all of us, she should of volunteered to move back immediately after finding out we didn't get recruiting orders. That was the deal, that why she lived rent and utility free, so she could save her money to move back. I asked my husband to see if there was the possiblity of her moving back, that we would help as much as we could. The thought of me dealing with her for 7 months alone wasnt very pleasant. He swore to me that he would have a talk with her about it. Months paseed the subject never got broguht up to her, things got worse because she wanter to spend all this time with her son that was possible before he deployed. I was like excuse me lady, from the get go, if you werent living her, and you were back home you would be able to spend anytime with your son or your grandaughter, and would not of been able to enjoy of alot of things that you had the chance to enjoy, but yet she insited on hanging on to him like he was still a six year old. For a person that claimed to be religious she didn't understand what is says in the bible, God said, 'One will leave his father and his mother and unite with his wife, and they shall become one." I guess she could cut the umbilical cord. My husband didnt see it this way, i dont blame him, I understood this i his mom, and again i wasnt putting him against her. I simply wanted him to understand that she didn't fit in our marriage, a marriage is two, a couple, a third person simply cant, or will never fit. One day it got to be too much, I had just got done in cleaning the showers and restrooms. I know that if she wasnt there I would have to do the shores around the house on my own. That's not the problem, trust me I'm Hispanic/Latino where the woman does it all. I just felt that the vacuuming wouldn't be such a big deal, I mean if she saw me busting my butt to clean the home that she lives in, after all she did eat and s*** here as we did, the least she could have done when she would see me busting my butt, on one of her days off, would be to offer to help, but no, never. Anyhow, I was cleaning house, and the restrooms were done. She had been wanting to dye her hair for quite sometime. I went about my business to finish the rest of my house. Ealier in the days, my daughter had been breaking out with a rash. I couldn't get it to stop so to keep her from itching, i would put her in the bath to stop the itch. I went to run the bath and there was dye all over the tub, and sink, I blew up. I didn't wait for mu hysband, I had just had enough. Very mad, I stormed her way and asked her if she was done in the bathroom and if she was is she could kindly cleaned her mess, that it wasnt cool that after I had cleaned she would be so inconsiderate and disrepectful to leave such a mess. She blew up, and went off on me. I had it, she did clean her mess, but I knew she was so upset with me, I didnt care. Later that night I had a conversation with my husband. I told him that she had to leave, he mentioned that he kind of suggested it, so she claimed she didnt have money and couldn't afford to move back home at that time. Bull, more like she disn't want to movem and wanted to stay and keep making it impossible for us. I'm sorry,as you all know there are two sides two every story, i wish she were here to tell you hers, as till this day she has never thanked me for the time she lived in our home, but she has thanked her son. She blames me for a lot of things that have happened between my husband and i, and occurences with her. Yeah sure, my Lord, the big man upstairs know the deal, I dont judge her anymore, I'll let him be the judge of her, I simply feel pitty and sorry for her. She has had numerous roommates, and realtionships, and they've all seemed to leave on a bad note, or not come around anymore, so that says enough about who the problem was. My husband finally decided to have the talk with her about our issues, I storngly suggested it because I told him that I wasnt going to deal with ot on my own or deal with her for sevn months while he was gone,and I didnt want to fight or argue with her while he away. Bottom line this was our home, my home, i'm the woman of the house, and she needed to respect that or leave.

So we came to an agreement, we never set rules for her, we just couldn't.

 

It came for him to leave, with all that had happened in the short amount of time, my husband and I werent sure what this deplyment would make of our marriage. At times we felt the distance and time apart would be good, but the reality of all kept slapping me in the face and I knew that we would more distant than ever and it would tear up apart. He deployed the end of Jan of 06. He left not as I would if liked, on the good terms and happily as the previous two deployments had been. In the beginnign I kept the communication, even though I wasn't really feeling the mutual feeling from him. I wrote letters so he would have some when he arrived to where he would be, as soon as I got the e-mail address I sent pictres and e-mails, and even the care packages as expensive as it was to send, I still did. I wasn;t getting the same response from him. I would stay up at night at times, when I would have to go towrk the next day to write and extensive letter or e-mail. I would wait for a response, nothing. This last deployment from him I recieved a few e-mails, lots of pictures of the site where he was station w/friends, and absolutely 0,0,0,0,0,0 zero letters. I sent plenty of letters, emails, pictures, and care packages like 3 of them at a time. Then at the same time thins with his mom had its ups and downs. I didn't want to fight, or argue anymore. I thought here we were both of us had someone we cared for so much and love, fighting a war, lots of miles between us, on the other side of the world. I felt we just needed to be there for one another to make things easy for him and us, again easier sayd than done. It all got to be too much, hardly no communication from him, the problem with his mom got to the point where I didn't even want to go home to not face her or much less deal with her, I literally hated or never wanted to go home, to my home. It got to much for me, I stopped being the person I was, I lost myself, somehwere in all that mess, frustration, and stress. I quit caring, days would go before I would send him and e-mail, I sent no more care packages, no more letters would be sent, and at night when the phone would ring and I knew it was him, i refused to answer, I would let it ring. He would leave a message, and I would delete it without even a care to see what he had to say.

 

He could tell the change, he would ask too much about it, cause I would reply that I was busy, and also what about him. I advised you can expect effort when you aren't making effort yourself. Never before in the last two deployments, had I felt him so distant and far in heart. Yeah, physically he was millin miles away, but in my heart I felt im close on love, and heart. He felt so far away from me, and no connection. I decided to make the best of things for myself, I kept myself busy. I signed up for the gym, I signed up my daughter in gymnastics class, I would go out of town to see my family on all holidays, went out to eat with friends and hung out with them a lot. I was even trying to get in to my co-ed softball again, but guess what coincedentally my husband didn't approve( sounds like guilt, gues he thought I would meet someone and mess up on him, sound familiar). I decided not to because I refused to rely on his mom to watch my daughter at nights during playtime, friends couldn't help. Mainly because I didnt want to go against what he and I talked about, he didn't think it was a good idea, but he di leave it up to me. Yeah, we all know what would of happened if I had joined the softball team, he would of cheated earlier while in Iraq (dont worry this comes later in the post).

 

He got back later that year afer seven months, things were too rocky for our own good, we never stood a chance. We decided with all the problems and all of the deployments he would not reenlist after his 8 year mark and he would try out for the Border Patrol. Only this meant moving to Texas, to live with his granparents and his mom ( yes, his mom again because that is where she would later at the end of Sept be moving too) until we could get our own place. Well gues what, this little woman after all she had sacraficed and put up with wasn't having it anymore. I told him that if we could get into our own place right away I would move to Texas. I refused, absolutely refused to live with him mom again,no disrepect towards his grandparents, but not only where we going to have a third person in the marriage again, but two more. I wasn't having it, absolutely not. At this point I told him that if that was the only option he was giving to move to Texas and live among others again and not on our own: 1. I wanted him to reenlist so that we could at least have the next three to four years on our own, i didn't care od deployments or traning or 2. If Texas was the only option I would move to AZ , until he could get us a place of our own. Not so happy with my suggestions, he decided to re-enlist, I know that is not what he wanted, but I felt it was the least he could do for our marriage, for our family, after al after all our daughter and I had already sacraficed and been thru. I just wanted to save my marriage, and I knew that if we moved in with more people, and not stayed independent by ourselves away from avrybody we would end up in a divorce.

He wasnt too happy about the reenlistment, because ironically earliear in his career he wanted to be a recruiter to get out of deployments, but was denied. For whatever reason, he had heard rumors of how hard recruitng was, and now that he had been given ordes to recruit or get forced out he didnt want to recruit (funny how things happen). I know that he wasnt too happy about the decision of re-enlisting for recruiting duty. I advised him how I thought it wouldn't be so hard, and he was looking at the glass half empty instead of half full(sorry, im a happy child, I've always been optimistic). I told him that recruiting duty would be good for the marriage so we could reconcile our feelings for one another, we would still be independent (especially by ourselves), financially, mentally, and emotianlly weren't prepared to go out into the civilian world, in especially him, ( no disrepect to all us civilians, its not a bad thing, military personnel seem to have a seperation from civilians to military, I've never seen the difference, my husband says its all about how the military has a different level of discipline). I knew in the back of my mind that he wasn't on a mental level to deal with a civilian job, since he couldn't deal with civilian people (as he says) much less. Me asking him to reenlist for us, was the first big mistake i've ever made, unitl this day I have to live with that choice I made, and asked him to make for us, and left wondering what if we had just left for Texas as we were supposed and followed my husband as im supposed to do, as I made a vow to do. Hum, if we moved to Texas, maybe he would of now had his 2nd affair, us seperated, both filed for divorce, and now back together with the doubt I live with everyday when to give up, when is enough, enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

To summon things up and keep this from going any further and longer. He reenlisted. With him not being so happy go lucky about the decesion things got bad again beween us, actually worse. Things were up and down, with more training in the field for the turn around of deployments, and not getting orders soon enough for recruiting, and with our fight and arguments, things were about to take the turn for the worst that would change our lives and our marriage forever. With all th earguments, fighting, accusations, and my jealousy breakouts I till this day only know that there was the possibility that he started to speak to a female marine in his unit, If it was just as a fellow marine to a fellow marine, or friend to a friend seeking advice I dont know. I'm left to wonder that also for the rest of my life, if there was bad intentions from either him or her from the get go. Rumors and sources say he had been speaking to this individual since he was deployed in Iraq, it makes sense of things. I know that in a co-ed environment he would speak to other females, duh I spoken and speak to males in all of my work environments and friends. I've even been disrespected by a few, that I set straight before it went further. Trust me yall, im soon to be 28, I could easily pass for an 18 year old, im 5'2", 110 lbs, not too dark or light complexion, good looking slender Hispanic/Latina, a mom of one 4 year old girl, which i'm very proud to admit look damn good, I have no problem getting play, and he knows it too. Dont get me wrong, im not bragging, or do i like being disrepected,when I married I gave all that up, im just a humble young lady that knows what I have to offer, and what I got. I don't smoke, I drink socially, I didn't have as much baggage as he did when we got married, in genaral I was the better catch for him.

 

I didn't notice too much of the difference in him unitl mid November, but now that I think back a lot of the times when he acted weird because he was already in bad steps, he was probaly speaking with her, just had not taken that last step, of intimacy or deciding t oend our marriage. He was still coming home at night, very late sometimes, and most of the time to just eat and take of to the gym. Early December I finally noticed the change when we made love, had sex, it was very different. I felt him different, no kissing, no I LOVE YOU, NO CUDDLING, just wham bam thank you mam in other words. I started to suspect more on his frequent visits to the gym, and he instead of smelling like sweat, he smelled like AXE or Tag body spray ( damn those commercials, hee hee j/k). So i called the gym trying to get information as to the days he would sign in or not, no help really there system was down most of the time. One day I decided to go check on him to make sure he was at the gym as he syd he was. When I pulled up in our truck, he was sitting in his car, from a distance I could tell he was on his cell having a conversation with someone. I pulled up behind him, and as he saw me pull up an get out the car he hung up the phone calimed it was his mom. Again didn't smell like sweat for someone who was in the gym working out, smelled like body spray just not as much. I started to really suspect of him. One of the night he went to the gym I got a recall roster from his wallet and called the home of one of his fellow marines and spoke with the wife, they were sort of friends, not close. I was curious if she could direct me in the direction of someone who could give me info, or if she would suggest to me to go to his CO (commanding officer). She called later that night but he was already back home, I told her I would call her the next day and hung up. Coincedentally that same night he knew something was up, this night he tore my heart and pieces, put a knife thru every torn piece, and stomped on it a million times and i quote what he said, "We have to talk, I love you, but i'm not in love with you anymore." I care for you as the mother of my daughter, but I need space so I can concentrate in recruiting school." So in other words he told me I didn't mean **** to him, that everything that our daughter and i have done and sacraficed didnt man **** to him, and he was thrwoing our lives, and all of it away because he couldn't take the fight, and arguing anymore, he wanted to be alone to get thru school. that if we stayed together during scholl he wuld not pass. Yeah, he finally had the nerve to come out and say it, God only knows how long he had been feeling this way, or if some other person fianlly had enough influence on him. Again, as it had alreadyhappen once before he had managed to crush my world and bring it to and end, all in his hands. There were plenty of times when times were hard, and God knows what I'm speaking of that I threated to leave or mentioned it. Bottom line I never left, I never stopped loving him, thats how much I cared for him and he meant to me. Until today as I write this post, my heart aches, and my eyes water with so much disappointment, let downs, and devastations he has put us thru even after all i've done. When the possibility stood of him cheating on me the first time I could of been like any other person and seeked revenge, how would he have known anyway being on the other side of the world, on any given deployment I could of cheated he would of never known, but that not me, two wrongs dont make a right. I wouldn't want that on my conscious for the rest of my life.

The next morning I went to a counselor if not for us, for me. She advised to keep the counseling for me, and that would help me much. When I got out of the counselors office I had missed calls from the wife I calle dthe night before. At first I wasnt hesitant to call her back, i knew it my heart the worse he had already confirmed he was cheating, why else the dratic change. Keep in mind that this was the man that did aything and everyhtng for his family, we were always first no matte what, he alway looked for our best interest. Now here he was willing to throw it all away, and I knew in my heart and mind because of the changes and his change there was somebody else in the picture. What did I have to loose, I callled her back. She knew what I was calling for. Immediately she proceedes to tell me how I had all the reason to suspect my husband of cheating. Literally she mentioned how her husband a fellow marine in the same unit wuld come home everyday, telling her of all the gossip and talk of the shop. He would tell her how my husband and that female marine are the talk of the shopm how they are seen together all the time, go to lunch together, and had even been seen leaving together on different occassions. She had confirmed as much as I needed to know, but now how could I act on it ntot having pysical evidence. How could I confirm it to anyone not having evidence, its not like I could go to his shop, or up to that girl, or his command, and look like an ass with no evidence. A lot of you would suggest his cell phone. This is where I get so angry because seems like all the cheaters get thing so easy handed to them. Yes he has a cell phone, which I suspected off long ago, only we dont get a phone bill, his mommy dearest got a family plan when she got a cell phone of her own when we were having hard times, so by now she live dback in Texas, we got no phone bill, tell me he didnt take advantage of the situation and know he wasnt going to get caught because he was leaving no traces, but lil did he know that people talk, and that spreads like a wild fire. Later that night he was working late, i arranged for our daughter to stay at a friends so I could confront him and try o make sense of this, and save the marriage if there was any saving. Yes, stupid me after all I have done, dealt with, and put up with, sacraficed all for him, and a second occurence, I still wanted to save our marriage, stupid me!!!!!!! I was willing to forgive him ifhe confess to all of it. He came home and I confronted him about the information I had, I told him who I knew she was, how long it had been going on, and if he was ending the marriage for her. He swore to me up and down that he was ending the marriage becaus of the exact same thing I was accusing him of, cheating, and sayd that it wasnt because of someone else, and what they had told me wasnt true. I still had the roster whn I told him that if thert was nothing to hide there would be no problem in me calling her and asking her what she had to do with my husband and what there relationship was like outside the work area. He went ballistic, and crazy. He told me to stop accusations and to just accept that we werent meant to be, that again he wanted to concentrate in school and that was it. Since he wasnt confessing and played the im innocent I left the house, and that night at my friends I decided I was moving back to my parents and getting seperated, if he wanted a divorce he could file. This all happened early December, the next two weeks would be the hardes time of my life. He left and came as he pleased, at times wouldn't come home. From waht I knew he was parting, and hangin gout with her, again they were seen together a lot, yeah people talk and info would come back to me from the same intell. Leave for the X-mas break was here, it was really hard because I really had just a few friends and my family was far, I dint want to involve them too much, especially because x-mas was just a few days away. The next few days I decided it was going to make me or break me, I could let it get the best of me for my daughter. Thru very hard times and days were giving up seemed easier, i wanted to just give up, I even thought of taking my own life. Im a religius person I know that God would neve rforgive me for that, plus I could abond and leve my daughter at her own luck, she was my world. If it hadn't been for her my lil Clarissa, she my sunshine and my life, and God, who knows where I would be, I wanted to disappear or the earth to swallow me and neve rbe heard of. Even thought I forced myself to move on, I founf inspiration in church, God, and my daughter was my motivation. That morning of x-mas eve my famly wanted me to go with them for x-mas, I told them that my hubby was talking of going to Texas for leave, but wasnt sure he didnt hve the means for it. So i refused to leave his to spend x-mas by himself in case he didnt get a chance to go to Texas. We wnet to church and he accompanied us, I even made x-mas dinner, which I told him if anything for our daughter I wanted this to be the last x-mas if need be that at least we would spend it together for her, and that hurt because it seemed like it didnt mean anything to him. When we go back from church he left with a friend to try and find a reliable car to travel to texas, the only thing I asked to not be long so we may eat together, and our daughter could open her presents and he could spend some time with her in case he left. So here I was with dinner ready, passed on and oppurtunity to be with real family on x-mas, all for him to not be alone and he pretty much decided he was taking of to Texas. He was gone for hourss finally I decided to have dinner without him started. When he came back he confirmed he had means to go back home and he was leaving tonigt x-mas eve, so he ate, we then opened what lil presents we had. This still hurts till today, even when we were taking pictures of our daughte he refused to take any with me. Here I was a girlfriend of 3 years and wife of two soon to be three years, the mother of his daughter, and even after all I did for him, and waited, and sacraficed and dealt with, did he really hate me that much, and really fallen out of love with me to not even want to take a picture not even four our daughter. Since he claims that I pushed him away, that I did this to us, really was it that bad, was i that horrible to him that he hated me this much. I didn't care anymore, if he left he left, if anything I figured the road would do him some good to think. So he left on X-mas eve, left us by ourselves, the fa,ily he once cared for so mush and at one time. Later in the month of March, I got a call from a mutual friend of ours, they were getting married and wanted to send and invitation to us. So this is what they claimed, I thing they were calling to give me info. The fiancee of a fellow marine was an acquaintenance of ourse, her son to be husband was trying to get a hold of my husband for weeks to give him the invitation. Since he hadnt return any calls, she called me. She told me she had heard rumors of us sepeerating but as far as what a lot os people sayd we were working things out. So when I told he we seperated from us, and we were getting a divorce. So since I told her yeah it was over she figured it would hurt anything with telling me some info. Her fiancee is from Texas as well, close to the same area wher my H is from. Well they too went on leave during x-mas, and took the same route. She told me that she saw my husband at a gas station with her, and a her 1 yr old daughter, they were stopped getting gas together only they were in seperate cars. That when she saw him she greeted him and immdiately looked for me, since she didnt see me or our daughter she asked where i was. He told her while stuttering and in a loss of words, that i had gone to my parents for x-mas. She told me how she didn't think anything of it cause she saw they were in seperate cars, but it left her wondering becaus she could tell they were a lil more than just commuitng together, because of how close they were speaking to one another. This was in New Mexico where they were seen at the gas station. Later that night I decided since I had enough evidence to supsect i wouldcall her. Only first i researched the area code to her contact some sure enough an area code of 505, New Mexico. Keep in mind this is late February of 07. So I called her with my best friend standing by for moral support, so I just would go off on her and tell her what I really thought of her. I dailed her number with fidgety fingers and nervous as hell, playing in my mind over and over what I wanted to ask,what I would say. I dialed the phone rang, afer a few rings she picked up i simply asked is this V*******. She sayd Yes, then I replied this is M****** wife, I just have some questions to ask!!!!!!! She didnt even let me finish the sentence and quickly hung up on me, ( no balls, for a marine that is supposed to be the best of the best, NO BALLS) I kept trying to contact her the next two days, never answered, i left messages that I was going to attack her or go off on her, i just wanted answers, I wanted to know what means she had with my husband and what he had told her about me, and simply ask her if she simply realized that he was married. She had to have known, come one he wearing a ring, everyone knows whethe in the civilan or military like everyone know the married people to the single ones in the work environment, I mean its not like she met him overnight and he lied. I'm sure he lied to her of somethings, but why is it that she didnt respect the fact the he was married and waited for him to be seperated or divorced, being so many single marines in their unit that i know of, she picked a married one, no respect. Thats not all, I wan informed that she has a boyfried who is also a marine, who was in Iraq at the time, which they are considered common law marriage for how long they have been together, whom she has the one year old baby that I mentioned earlier.

Thats the problem today, and why divorce is more mentioned than marriage peopl ejust dont have any self respect for themselves or anybody else for that matter,its sad because its the reality.

 

In the month of January he shipped to recruting school it was tough on him, because he lost so much weight cuase of the stress, I got rumors that he was dating her. Whether true or not, I dont know I know that the school would make it very hard for the extensive hours of schoold and studying they have to do. So if that relationship had any chances they were slim. Dirung this time as well he started to heavily drink, smoke, and didnt give a care about anyhting in the world, its wonder how he has survived. I guess all the cheaters, and the people that dont deserve it have the best of luck. Kind of like when a drunk driver, choosed to drive, and hits a sober person, and oronically the sober one dies, and the guess who surviced with minor scrapes the drunl person. Some luck my husband has, hes hurt a lot of people im sure including his ex-wife i'm begin to wonder if the same happen with her, now I wonder if its just a repetition for him, hes cheated before and he keeps getiing away with it, its just a common thing for him, like a serial killer or a smoker, a drinker, like and addiction. He didnt have a stable family, ironically his mom was left pregnant with my husband, from his father who left her for another woman, while and during his father was in the army at the time. Oh yeah I tried to get the phone bills from his mon and she refues, always give me excuses, Iguess expecting her to relate after she went thru the same with my husbands dad would be to stupid of me, why silly me, duh! You all know had the roles been reversed and I was messing up on her son, she woul of shut the hone off in a heart beat, given him all the info, and told me what I had coming. She has never helped our relationship, instead she has always made it worse, naturally i know she will side with her son. But after all we , i did for him and her. When she was moving to SD to live with us, her truck broke down out in the middle of nowhere, and she didnt have the moeny it was going to take te get it fixed. So as usual my family always to the rescue, my family has always been there for us to help, us, the family, because they thought of my husband as a son. They need $700 dollars to rent a uhal which she didnt have, and my dad glady loaned it to his mom, and then later she would pay back. My father even provided my husband a loan for a car he wanted, which till this day he hasnt payd my father back.

 

Between Jan and Mar of 07 my husband has been back and forth, up and dowm emotionally. Since then he has thrown hi career away for her, because he claims it was too hard and didnt want to be a recruiter, yeah sure, sounds like he was convincing himself of that. Thrown his reputation with all our mutual friends into the toilet, as well as with my family. Most importanly his family that has done nothing but be there for him, with sacrafices and dedication to the trash it went, all for what. For someone that doesn't even have the balls to admit or speak to a woman, a real woman who she could never measure up to, whom has no self-respect for herself or her daughter, or husband. His family, friends, career, self repsect, dignity, and reputaion all down the drain for what? H enow how has job, yes a civilian job, that pays the bills, but its not steady, offers no benefits, and dangerous.

 

He has came back to me I lost count now of how many times hes come to me to work things out. At times giving up, wanting to move on for both ends I speak, but mostly him. Actually all the times we have tried to owrk things out hes the one that has always quit on us as before, he never gave us the chance. Its only been once since all this crap happened that I left with the decison that it wouldnt work out, and again he calls that he wants us back, i'll always be his one and only, weve been thru too much,so many years together, blah, blab, blah. Emotionally hes a case basket, one day hes up, and next hes down. A lot of people say hes been affected from the wat and suffers from PTSD. I don't know do I sound like a doctor to you! Whci leads me to this posting. I dont know how much I can take. sSince i've been back he expects me to do the same I did the fisrst time, take things in, shut up, ask no questions, and just live our lives as if nothing ever happened. Only this time I dont know that its what I want to do. He still has the same phone, I already told him I want him to get rid of it, ans he hasnt. But yes I know thats where im just as wrong as what he did. I shouldn't have to live like that, the person you love is the person you can trust. I know that is no way to live or have a marriage, im putting conditions that I shouldn't have to question, that he willingly should be doing. Or simply I dont have to worry or simply questioned if he really loves me, and respects me i should have no fear. He has always had a wonderng eye, which is harmless really, but for the same reason of who he is, and what he is has caused part of my jealousy and my accusations. I have and have always had all the right to question him, he brought this on us and himself. Yes, I take blame for part of this, the fight and arguments, but in reality i've accpeted to not let him blame me for he brought this on. Now I live in the fear that because he always gotten away with the chating he will continue to do it again and again unitl he gets caught, im afraid that it will happen again. Till this day I have no hard evidence that he did cheat the first time and this second time. This last one all the info I have is from friends, people of contact, and instincts. The other girl, well ive never been able to make contact, and till this day just as the first time he will deny all and take the truth to his tomb. How can people be like this, how can someone you love and care so much for be this person. He was my life, my knight in shining armor, he was the best thing that had happened to me. I and my family had him on an untouchable pedestal. My family had so much respect and honor for him, now they dont know what to make of him. For them they once had a brother and a son in him, now hes just there, as well as all my friends. He doesnt come around my friends, and is too weird around my family. IWe've been back for a month now with no quits in between, but im still not myself. I'm afraind to llok for work to commit myself to a job, not knowing how much longer I will be here. I know that forgiving is forgetting, hes has someone so valuable and irreplaceable, that if he doesnt chnge things quick im going to be the one to end it, everybody knows that when a woman is fed up, there is nothing ever that can be done about it. As days pass by feelings change more and more for him, I dont see him the same, i'm even starting to notice that intimately im not reallt that attracted to him as I once was. The other day a lot oof porn pop up on the history from that same day, which was just days agao. I confronted him about it. He claims that it was from when we were seperated, that he had to do it, to keep him from doing other things, (yeah sure). I swear I feel like I lost all respect for him, because I believe he doesnt even have respect for himself. I know sounds like he has a problem with lying, cheating, and he has a way with words, he does, a lil lie turns later into a big one. He lies to not only me, his family, friends, and co-workers, I dont even think he believes himself anymore. I ask myself, as well as my family and friends, why do I want someone like him. Why do I insist on wasting my time with someone that never respected me or never loved me from the beginning. He' s changed so much, i dont even know who he is anymore. He used to be so different, a person wiht values, morals, pride, and dignity, i dont even know who he is, but how could I know if he doesnt know himself. I dont know why its so hard for me to leave, my mind knows it, and my heart is slowly beginning to realize it. I'm afraind of what will happen to him, I know he will make it if I leave. I dont want to be the cause of someting, if the worse were to happen. Plus, remember, I told you earlier im an optimistic, a fighter, a challenger, and stubborn as they come. I don't like to give up, so why can't I. I dont understand what it is I want to hang on to. I think of how it once was, how he was, and I feel like im giving up on that. Also because we've been thru so much so soon, I dont want to later have to tell my daughter that we never gave it a chance. A lot of older women tell me that they have put up with lots more than I have, and their choice was to deal with it or leave it. I dont know that I can trun my head anymore. I'm a simple sensible youmg woman with a lot to offer, I'm afraid to commit any more of my life to this man, plus he keeps bringing up another baby, how could I, not knowing, living in fear of what will happend. I care so much for him and I know that I love him, he needs help but he wont admit it unitl something drastically happens. Its true as they say, sometimes you do have to let go of that love. I did, I accepted his decision, dealt with it, and it came back to me. Now I dont know what to make of it, or much less know what I want from it. It all seems okay at times, but I have truly not forgotten. When I remember things the anger gets the best of me, and I go back to the old me, I hate it. People say that the truth alwys floats to the surface. I feel like I cant move on, and I cant make a choice because he has not really spoke of things ive heard or did admit to having an affair. Do you all think he had an affair, or do you think that it was just too much stress, too many things for him t handle at one time, he just lost it. Than you all for your patience I would greatly appreciate any feedback. Peace, love, and God Bless.