Need input/support here

[Desertgirl]

What the Fruck!!,

 

He has a caustic personality, overly blunt, has a weight problem has some impetency issues, cannot satisfy me sexually, can be a big jerk, selfish, self centered, egotistical, low self esteem, drinks too much, fear committment and is in need of being needed by women, gives mixed messages regarding his feelings for me, is temperamental and can be a real jerk........

 

He started distancing himself and I called the whole thing off due to his lack of ability to commit and I felt that I could no longer take the inconsitency. He chased and chased me until he got me, then started to pull away telling me that he could not commit "right now in his life". What the hell is THAT all about????

 

However, he makes me laugh, we have great fun together, we are both adventuresome, like the same things......AND I have the most painful heartache I have ever experienced. Why do I want him back so badly??

 

I can't stand this heartache and I am very depressed with this NC crap. I am PISSED off as I have so much going for me professionally and personally and I am letting this whole situation affect my life. I don't need him to take care of me at all. Maybe that is the problem, I don't know....

 

I keep hoping he will call me but I think he is so stubborn and egotistical that he won't ever and I really think that I have fallen in love with him deeply and want a full on relationship with this man.

 

Oh.....did I mention that he lives clear across the country and he is intimidated by my income and what I have??? Is there even a chance here????

 

DG

[panzer6]

Hey Desertgirl, here I am looking at your picture and I'm thinking, "man, she's a cutie!" What are you getting from this guy that makes him so special? It sounds like he has some issues, both physical and emotional. I know that no one is perfect but I bet you could do a lot better. I mean come on, he is intimidated by how much money you earn? He seems a little emotionally immature and if you end up having a relationship with him you may come to regret it in the future. My experience is that people with issues get worse the longer you are with them. I'm sorry you have to deal with him being impotent. A woman has many needs, good sex being one of them. Has he considered Viagra? I have never needed it but I know some guys that have tried it and it seems to work extremely well. If he has weight issues he should get in the gym and start working out. Not only will he get in better shape from a physical standpoint but it will do wonders for his mental health as well. I know you have feelings for him, of that I have no doubt but you have to look at the whole package, not just the parts you like. Anyway try to keep some perspective on this guy, like I said you could probably do a lot better. Make a list with 2 columns, one pros, the other cons, you will quickly find that one will far outweigh the other. I know this sounds harsh but we are talking about your emotional wellbeing here, you have the right to be treated the way you want to be treated and you deserve a man that can love you not only as a best friend but as a woman too.

 

 

Never make somone a priority when they only see you as an option. Words to live by!

[amaysngrace]

I use to think like you a little bit too. When I first got divorced. I thought I don't need a man for anything. I am independent and do okay doing my own thing without one but I was wrong. I was hardened a little bit. And it showed up in my relationships with men I'm sure. Well, only one in particular but whatever.

 

But this man brings something to your life. The laughter and the fun you share. And his company.

 

Maybe what's bothering you too is that you didn't start out thinking you'd come to depend on him but you did. And it takes a lot to change the way you view things. So you feel like you really put a lot into this with no return? Or...maybe you haven't softened up enough yet to make him feel like he has a place in your life?

 

Everyone likes to feel needed.

[Desertgirl]

IMaybe what's bothering you too is that you didn't start out thinking you'd come to depend on him but you did. And it takes a lot to change the way you view things. So you feel like you really put a lot into this with no return? Or...maybe you haven't softened up enough yet to make him feel like he has a place in your life?

 

Everyone likes to feel needed.

 

 

Yes, You are right about not thinking I would have strong feelings for him. what got me is when I did soften up and let him know I loved him. He said he loved me too, but he was afraid I would have strong feelings for him. He is a mystery to me, maybe that is what is a challange for me. I have been careful to let him know that I apprecicate things about him and I have asked his advice. There is no question that I can be soft in this relationship. I am just mad that I let myself get so hung up on him when I knew that he was more "traveled" than I was.

 

I am hoping he calls me, but I feel I need to put some distance between us as I will just get hurt worse........I am trying the NC to see if that gives him a chance to not be so sure about me..........

[amaysngrace]

He is a mystery to me, maybe that is what is a challange for me.

 

How is he a mystery to you? Because you don't know where you stand with him?

 

That is crazy and definitely unhealthy. My BF was like this too for a really long time and it drove me nuts. Always guessing what our relationship was because he wasn't sure himself. And I found myself not wanting to give all I had because he wasn't doing it.

 

I did just like you did though. I'd back off. And leave him alone to think. I always figured that if he realizes how special I am then he'll do his work on the relationship. If he doesn't view me as so special then I don't want him anyway.

 

Hang in there though. I completely agree with your approach.

[Desertgirl]

How is he a mystery to you? Because you don't know where you stand with him?

 

That is crazy and definitely unhealthy. My BF was like this too for a really long time and it drove me nuts. Always guessing what our relationship was because he wasn't sure himself. And I found myself not wanting to give all I had because he wasn't doing it.

 

.

Thankyou! This is exactly it! I don't think he is sure and that is what is so messing with my heart and mind. I could never understand why he would say he could not commit at this time....I think he is confused for sure. So, for the sake of not totally chasing him and giving him an excuse to be angry at me, I have consistently let him make the moves the majority of the time. He has been religous about contacting me but then says the opposite. When I have point blank asked him if he is saying no hope for the future, he says that is not so. I feel he is sowing his wild oats so to speak and wants to play it all out. this is where I started to feel like an "ace in the hole".

 

So, I told him I would not play this game any longer. He then told me to let him know when I essentially had my feelings under control (my interpretation) then contact him. I said NO! you contact me when you are ready to have a real relationship. that is how I left it. NC since a couple of days ago.

 

I do love him, I do not want to be obsessed with him though so the distance is healthy for me too.

[Desertgirl]

Hey Desertgirl, here I am looking at your picture and I'm thinking, "man, she's a cutie!" What are you getting from this guy that makes him so special? It sounds like he has some issues, both physical and emotional.

Never make somone a priority when they only see you as an option. Words to live by!

 

Thank you for the compliment The pictue was just taken on my last birthday. My self doubt has raised it's ugly head in this relationship! He does have issues and I have NOT tried to fix him either. I wonder if my "life being together" in many ways has been the big attraction to him. I do see beyond his low self esteem and see a great guy underneath it all.

 

I want a second chance with him, but I fear he will let me go as my economics has intimidated him. He has said so but I wonder if this is an excuse? I am not someone who is a snob and I have friends from many different walks of life. I am kind and he knows this too.

 

WHAT CONFUSES ME IS I AM PERFECT FOR HIM AND HE DOES NOT WANT ME BUT PERSUED ME. Then he backed off when he got me.....it's as if he did not want me to fall in love with him.....

 

I am so confused and heart broken.....

[amaysngrace]

I think he doesn't want to fall in love with you because he's afraid to be hurt. But the problem is he probably has already started to.

 

Him saying to you to sort through your feelings is his way of expressing what he needs to do himself. He's projecting it onto you but at least he's thinking. And good for you for telling him NO...you call ME!

 

Just leave him be to sort his head out. His confusion is rubbing off on you. Don't let it. He'll figure it out. And he'll call you when he does.

[panzer6]

I have found that people with low self-esteem are always attracted to people with high self-esteem. They see something in the other person that they want in themselves. The problems begin after they actually get the other person in their life. The very thing that attracted them to you begins to cause them to have resentment for you. People always want what they don't or can't have. He persued you because he wanted you, when he got you he was confronted by the very thing he wanted and his weak emotional state made hi feel intimidated by you. Maybe he thinks that even though he has you he wont be able to hang onto you. If his issues are like you say they are then odds are you will have a difficult relationship with him. Look at what he is doing already, you haven't been together for very long and he is already acting strange toward you. You need to have someone emotionally strong and well adjusted to share your life with. If you stay with him this behaviour will just keep repeating itself over and over and you will become emotionally drained. Trust me, you will be exhausted by this. Don't call him anymore, just leave him alone, he has issues he needs to address before he can embark on a relationship with you.

[marlena]

What the Fruck!!,

 

He has a caustic personality, overly blunt, has a weight problem has some impetency issues, cannot satisfy me sexually, can be a big jerk, selfish, self centered, egotistical, low self esteem, drinks too much, fear committment and is in need of being needed by women, gives mixed messages regarding his feelings for me, is temperamental and can be a real jerk........

 

Hi Deserrgirl!

 

What the **** indeed! How many times have I said that to myself as well!! You could be describing my boyfriend(if that is indeed what he is) to the letter!!! I know how frustrating this is for you and how angry you are at yourself for letting this man who does not, when all is said and done, fulfill your needs! It is the same story with the guy I've been seeing for six months! We too broke off at least twice for the reasons you mentioned...impotency and commitment issues and the god awful feeling of not knowing what exactly is happening in the relationship, where you stand. After a month of LC we got back together. He said he felt that he knew me better now and that perhaps we had taken things too quickly in the beginning! Like you we have a lot of fun together! BUT no sex as of yet! We had a few bad experiences in the beginning and now I too have a problem going to bed with him! I feel undesirable and rejected and so I do not dare go for another round! Of course it's his erectile dysfunction and not my issue but still! The frustration is mounting and I'm on he brink of cutting lose though I know I will regret it! We are in our fifties so the sex shouldn't matter much! But it's everything! I just feel there is no future and that we will never reach the intimicay level I so need!

I think your boyfriend given the time away from you will realize how much he misses you and how much you meant to him! If you really want him back maybe LC is a better idea! NC I think is for when you are 100 % sure you want to end things! And believe me dear he will miss you!

The problem is even when he does ask to get backtogether will anything be resolved? Has anything been resolved for me? The answer isNO! Still I stupidly go on. Perhaps it is my age and all the fears and insecurities that accompany it!

 

I understand your predicament and wish I could advise you but it seems I can't as I am in the same situation! Wish I knew what makes this kind of man so attractive to the opposite sex!

[panzer6]

Here are my stats:

 

Age 42

Caucasian

Height Five ft. 8 in

Weight 210 LBS

Body Type Muscular, Lean.

Hair blonde, buzz cut.

2 tattoos.

No Erectile Dysfunction whatsoever !

Very loving, caring, great at foreplay ( my partners tell me so )

Twisted and sarcastic sense of humour.

 

LOL!

[Desertgirl]

LOL!

 

OK, Panzer SOLD!!!

 

Here are my stats, Marlena, don't sell your self short.......

 

I just turned 51 and yes, that is a REAL CURRENT picture of me......taken on December 30th!

 

I am 5'5" 160# Never had a grey hair yet!!! I have my own work out room,do some weight training, have 3 horses, Kayaker, own my own business, own my home, traveler (in fact I am in Hawaii at the moment for a whole month) I am cute and sexy with a great sense of humor and adventure. I think because of my age, sex is alot more free in the sense I do not worry about getting pregnant therefore I am much more adventuresome and free....I have a great personality and I have many friends..........SO WHAT IS NOT TO LIKE ???? LMAO!!!!

 

I agree with Panzer here there is something beyond me going on with this man. I have fallen in love with him and I need to get over it. I think I am taking his rejection too personally as it may have more to do with him than me.............

 

I HOPE HE IS MISSING ME VS. NOW HE DOES NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME AS I HAVE NC WITH HIM!

 

 

P.S. Did I mention the Harley???? LOL!!

 

DG