Early in relationship_player or not

[Guest]

I am about 6 weeks into a relationship and need some opinions. Here's the scoop in a nutshell.

 

I am 41, he's 47. We met online. He's been divorced 10 years. I've been divorced 2.

 

When we first met and went out a few weeks (and having sex) - I asked him about his active profile. He exploded and told me I was suffocating him. That ended it. We stopped dating. (I am not a suffocating type, quite the opposite).

 

He called a couple of weeks later and said he missed me. Could we try again. So I did. He was still online, but I didn't mention it because I didn't want to bring it up again. He apologized for his part in my insecurity and said he'd take it down. I told him to take it down when he felt like it and I never checked again.

 

After 6 weeks of seeing each other pretty much just on the weekends, we talked about seeing each other more often during the week. He said we could split the cost of a babysitter (my son). I've met his parents and his son. He's not particularly open emotionally and takes antidepressants. He's lot's of fun and I really enjoy his company. He's great to my son. Although they've only met twice.

 

On Fri. night we were together and he told me he'd removed his profile. On Mon. I was at a friend's house and we were looking at a local social site and he had a profile on there - with nothing but some rather sleazy-looking women as friends. And, he'd logged on at 7 a.m. on Sat. I was upstairs sleeping at his house at the time. I didn't mention it.

 

I invited him over on Tues. because my son was at a sleepover. He said he had a ballgame and wouldn't be finished until 10:30 p.m. so he couldn't come. He also muttered something about more notice. As a result I went straight from work to a co-workers house to see her new bathroom. Coincidentally it was just a few blocks from his house. I didn't know. On my way out I drove the couple of blocks over to pass his house because it had thunderstormed and I figured the game was rained out. I was just curious.

 

He was home and there was a car in his drive. I was shocked. I peeked around the back and saw a candle burning and the lights mostly off downstairs, but no one was there. The lights were off upstairs where the bedrooms are. I couldn't sleep and ended up driving back around 4:30 a.m. The car was still there.

 

I had also invited him to come by on Wed. or Thur. but he said it wasn't a good week. (He has a custody hearing on Tues. I was supposed to be a witness). That we'd have to get together on Sat.

 

He told me it was a "buddy" of his. (He has no male friends). That they'd gotten drunk and he suggested "they" spend the night. And, that I had no right to come to his home uninvited and check on his activities. I asked him why he didn't just tell me he had plans. Explained I was in the neighborhood. And, I don't feel that it was majorly out of line.

 

He said, he didn't get the call from his friend until he'd already come home for the night. ANd, it was getting ready to thunderstorm so he wasn't coming to my house.

 

Basically, he's criticizing me for driving by his house. But, he's also leaving the door open to some extent with things like, "I really cared about you and still do".

 

Is this man a total player? If you were dating someone and they told you they'd like to see you more - would you then have a female "buddy" over and have them spend the night when you could have gone over to see the person you were dating?

 

I'm trying to avoid dragging around my divorce baggage, I like to see the good in people, but I just don't know about this. (He has also mentioned a few past relationships that all ended with the woman being "jealous" or just not trusting. Including one who posed as someone else online and he responded.)

 

I know this is long. I'd really appreciate some opinions.

[Guest]

I feel like an idiot. But, really can't afford a relationship with a liar because I have my son all the time and he really gets attached to the individuals that I date.

[Diamonds&Rust]

Why not just date him casually? Is exclusivity important to you?

[Guest]

Exclusivity is important to me. I have my 8-year old son all the time and he gets attached to men very easily because his dad is very absent.

 

Plus, I'm just not comfortable having sex with someone who is sleeping with other people.

 

We had discussed exclusivity and it was supposedly where we were.

[norajane]

Yes, I'd have a friend over if I had already made plans with that person. I don't break friend-dates for a guy.

 

However, I'd be more concerned about him logging into that dating site at 7am while you were sleeping upstairs. I'd be wary about him. Date him, get to know him better, see if you can develop trust and a good relationship, or if there are more signs of strange behavior. Don't give your heart away until you're sure of him.

[LoveLace]

I believe you when you say you are not the suffocating type, and I can relate to dating guys like this...early in the relationship there are things to be suspicious about already. I hate that. And 6 weeks isn't very long, so that's probably why he's offensive. I think the truth is you are probably not the only woman he's dating. Some would accept it at this point, but some would not. Which group do you want to be in? When you decide, let him know. This could result a couple different ways: you accept it and he's happy so you keep dating him. After that it's a matter of time before your questioning exclusivity again. Until then you can be casual and lay low a little with him, and see how he behaves. Don't drive by his home or look for any clues. Don't care for a while. Maybe even start daing another guy...it's early enough that you can start a friendship with someone else, just in case this man ends up with player written all over him. Or just majorly put him on your back burner, and he'll think your seeing someone else anyway. But that could just lead to a debate!

 

If you say it's unacceptable to you, he might break up with you, and come back like he did before. You'll have to choose your limit on how many times he can do this. I dated a guy that did it to me over and over; He finally burned me bad and I told him off several times. I still think of calling him but I haven't it months. And I miss him, but we weren't in love so I guess it's no big deal to either of us.

 

Anyway, you basically have to make a choice here. Dating in our society no longer has rules unless your married. The number of people against monogamy is growing, which makes it suck to be single (like me!) Not to mention, men just see things differently from women. Many men label all women as smothering before they even know them well. If he is in fact a "player" then he probably doesn't fall too hard for any woman, he just uses her for company and sex. good luck.

[StartingOver07]

I don't like the sound of this at all. It sounds marginally dishonest at best. I suppose everything could have happened in an innocent way, but that's a stretch.

 

To me, the issue isn't that he's seeing other people (you don't say that you've agreed to be exclusive) but that he isn't willing to admit that this is the case. I rarely light candles for and have sleep-overs with my opposite-gender buddies and I doubt that he does. So why not just be up front about it?

[LoveLace]

I forgot about the lit candles in the dark...yea he's full of s**t

[2sunny]

he's got several gals going at the same time...

[Guest]

I just have to say, "thank you, thank you, thank you!"

 

You see, I married my college sweetheart. I haven't dated since I was 20-something. I was always the "cool" girlfriend. Easygoing.

 

But, at 41, I have no idea what the rules are. I feel very naive.

 

I just know that I don't want to have a sexual relationship with someone who is screwing other people at the same time. But, that's just me. (Plus I have my son's attachment issues to look out for...)

 

Thanks so much. I really appreciate the input.

[Guest]

We had discussed and agreed on exclusivity. I never responded to his last email about "we could have been really happy, I was wrong to drive by his house, he still cares about me". He's back on the dating site where we met.

 

I'm done. Again, thanks so much.

[Lizzie60]

absolutely no doubt about this... WOW I can't believe you're still doubting !! This guy lies like he breathes.

 

(He has also mentioned a few past relationships that all ended with the woman being "jealous" or just not trusting. Including one who posed as someone else online and he responded.)

 

Of course he will say that jealousy is a deal-breaker, he's probably saying that to all the women because he wants to do whatever HE wants without any arguments... he's the controlling type... so if this is not for you... move on...

[princessjulieanne]

I would be very cautious with this fellow before totally letting your guard down. Our gut instincts are always right the problem comes when we ignore them. It seems like your instincts are warning you big time the trust clearly is not there and he has lied several times to you. I hope it works out for you, but protect your heart just a little.

[Not_That_Innocent]

If you are to continue dating him I think you need to be upfront about the fact that you want to be exclusive. At the same time, perhaps you are scaring him with your behavior. You say that you are not the smothering type, but driving by his house because you were in the neighboorhood is a huge no no. And the fact that you "peeked" around back to take a look sounds a little stalker-ish to me. The fact that you and your friend were looking at a local dating site and he just happened to be on there sounds a little too convenient to me. Trust me, I totally understand what it's like to have feelings for someone and the things your mind will tell you to do because of it. There have been plenty of times I wanted to drive by a certain someone's house, or work, etc. but you absolutely cannot do that! It will scare him and more than likely turn him off big time. I think you said you are done with the relationship anyway. Probably for the best if you can't handle him dating other people. Sorry, not trying to be mean or rude.

[serial muse]

If you are to continue dating him I think you need to be upfront about the fact that you want to be exclusive.

 

She has been. She said they had agreed to be exclusive. And yet he's pretty clearly lying and cheating, IMO.

 

This guy sounds like bad news on several fronts (cheating, lying, controlling). I'd say you had a narrow escape, Guest, but you've gotten a reprieve. Trust your instincts (I know it can be hard, post-divorce) and turn your back on him.

[Art_Critic]

While driving by and the fact the relationship is so new is not really a good sign on your part, you must've had a gut hunch that something wasn't right in order to drive by..

 

You are a back burner girl and he is dating more than a few women, The fact that he is dating more woman than you AND the fact that he still has his profile up online should tell you that he is using the online dating to keep himself rolling in sex.

 

This man is only capable of providing a FWB situation.. unless that is what you want then dump him.