I'm hurting.

[pennyjosix]

Alrighty. I posted something similar to this in the LDR section, but it applies for here as well. I met my guy 4 years ago over a summer when I was visiting family in Arkansas which is where is from. I am from Texas. We hit it off and instantly had feelings for each other which obviously grew. He had never had a gf, and I assume didn't want his first to be a ldr. I guess I opened the doorway for him to be comfortable with girls and a couple of months later he got a girlfriend. I felt a little betrayed but encouraged and even helped him ask her on dates and such. I love(d) him so much I just wanted him happy. So they dated off and on for 2 years, and of course I was still on the side. He never physically cheated on her with me, but I guess emotionally he did because we would still talk about how we felt for each other time to time, and he would always hang out with me when I was in town. Finally I called it quits in October 2005, and we really did just play the roles of being friends. He broke up with his gf for good in December 2005, and in April 2006 started getting pretty serious about me. We became a couple in May 2006 after long talks and proof that he was done with his ex. Since we have been together she has still tried meddling in our relationship, and he's made white lies about them talking or whatever because he knows how much I dislike her (the girl and I have had encounters of our own without my guy) and I would leave him if there was any funny business going on behind my back. With all of this being said, I absolutely do not trust him and I feel that he owes me something for all the lies and wishy-washiness over the years. We have been together for over a year and we have mutual friends that in a way keep an eye on him so if him and his ex were getting together I'd know in a heartbeat. I've seen the last of the e-mails they've sent each other which was him asking her to not contact him anymore at all for any reason and her agreeing that was fine. Although there seems to be closure between the two I am still very angry with everything in the past. A BIG issue is intimacy. He is the only guy I've EVER been intimate with in any way and she was his first. When we both met we had said we were going to wait til we got married but that went out the window for both of us. I waited for HIM but he didnt wait for me. It's actually pretty traumatizing to me. Can anyone give me a few steps into trusting him again and re-gaining myself here? I wish I could get a fresh start, but what is done is done and he's worth the pain and patience.

[Not_That_Innocent]

I think as long as there is distance between the two of you it will always be difficult for you to trust him. Seems to me like the relationship has a better chance at surviving if you live closer to one another. And the fact that the two of you were having an EA while he was with the other girlfriend doesn't help the situation since you know that he is "capable" of cheating on you. As far as you know he could be doing the same thing with her that he was doing with you while he was with her.

 

I can understand the insecurity you feel as far as the intimacy goes, but I don't think you should be upset that he didn't wait for you. Afterall, she was his girlfriend for quite a long time. It's not like he went out and did it with a complete stranger. Also, don't forget the part you played in helping him woo her. You said that you wanted him to be happy, so if sleeping with her made him happy then you agreed to accept it.

 

I understand that you are hurting so I am not trying to be mean or ugly with these opinions. I'm just trying to offer you a clearer perspective. Seems to me that it would be very difficult to have a serious relationship with someone who is so far away, and especially with everything else that happened when you guys were just friends. The only way you are going to be able to trust him is to just do it. He's not around physically for him to show you trust, so you kind of have to take his word for it. If you don't think you can do it then I think you should end the relationship before you get hurt even more.

[norajane]

And the fact that the two of you were having an EA while he was with the other girlfriend doesn't help the situation since you know that he is "capable" of cheating on you. As far as you know he could be doing the same thing with her that he was doing with you while he was with her.

 

I'm afraid I have to agree with this. As you said, a fresh start is next to impossible because the two of you were carrying on behind his girlfriend's back (even though it wasn't physical). You can't really just put that out of your mind and trust him as you might have been able to had he been honorable and shown integrity and focused on his relationship with his girlfriend.

 

I think the only thing that may help here is time and seeing that his actions match up with his words over time. You are going to need time to trust that he won't betray you as he betrayed his ex - the nagging doubts won't go away until you have time to see that he's being honorable with you.