desperate for some good advice

[amyro99]

I have been dating someone for a year in a half. Up until 3 months ago problems started arrising. He was so in love with me for so long and was such a great boyfriend. Then he started acting very funny. Finally after 3 months of torture, I asked him what was wrong. He basically told me that he feels like he is married and wants to still be young and have his fun.....yet, he see's himself marrying me in the future and he still loves me very much. He is all I have known for a 1.5 years. We are still together and he is trying to make a decision on whether he wants to be with me or not. I am waiting patiently for his answer. I know he loves me and i love him so much... What do i do? Give him some space, shower him with affection? I want him to realize that he doesn't want to loose me. Please help me.

[midori]

My heading might have sounded puzzled, but that's not because I haven't been EXACTLY where you are. I have. And it took me a very very long time to realize how foolish I was to wait because of someone else's doubts.

 

At the end of the day, what is it that you want? To love and be loved by someone who is as delighted by you as you are by him, and who is as happy in the relationship as you are. You don't want to hold anyone prisoner, right? You haven't forced him to be with you. You haven't forced him to think about marriage and the future, or to make promises he's not ready for.

 

But let's say you did ask for promises. It would be, one would assume, because you had reached the conclusion that you want to spend the rest of your life with him. So you'd be looking to see if he felt the same. And if he didn't, or he wasn't sure, you'd have your answer: no. Not sure = no. In other words, the two of you don't want the same things, but he hasn't found the courage to admit that yet.

 

So it seems like it's one of two things: either you have asked him for promises that he's not prepared to make, or he has fabricated unnecessary complications by bringing marriage into the picture when you weren't even thinking about it. Either way he has sown doubt into the relationship, and is keeping you on pins and needles waiting for him to make up his mind. Surely this is not what you want.

 

If you don't mind my saying so, it sounds to me like you're a little too invested in a relationship with someone who's not as into it as you are. You say, "He is all I have known for a 1.5 years." So what? 1.5 years is a substantial amount of time, yes. But it's not a lifetime, nor even a sizeable fraction of a lifetime. If he's not "the one," will it have been wasted time? Well, if you extend it by waiting for him, yes, that will be wasted time. Otherwise, it was nice until he started to muck it up with his doubts.

 

Don't cling to something, or tolerate a situation that is making you unhappy (which it is, otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it), just because you've latched onto the idea of a relationship with HIM. He's only good for you if your relationship with him is satisfying. A relationship that makes you anxious and unhappy surely isn't satisfying. For a while you guys had a good thing. Then doubt set in and he became someone who was no longer good for you. Maybe he'll get his act together and cease this rather pointless angst. But my guess is that he won't.

 

I mentioned before that I was in a very similar situation. I won't go into any of that, but I will say that my experience has taught me that people who don't know their own minds, or who don't have the courage to face what they know to be true, are not people you can rely upon to do the right thing. You've got to assess the situation realistically, and act decisively. He doesnt' want to lose you, but it sounds like he doesn't want to do anything to keep you. That ought to tell you all you need to know: you can't be happy with him. You can't make him see the light. You can't, you can't, you can't. Please, take it from someone who knows. You cannot prove anything to him; if he doesnt' see it on his own, he's not going to see it. These are his internal issues, no amount of external "evidence" will make a dent in his cluelessness.

 

Don't make the mistake of assuming you know what's best for him. Don't make the mistake of placing his perspective over your own, or thinking that you can even know where he's coming from. Just look at the situation from your own perspective. If it's not working out as you'd like it to, it's time to call it quits.

[Patty]

To me it sounds like hes not ready for commitment.When he is,if it was meant to be, Im sure if hes interested he will let you know.

 

Patty

[amyro99]

I am just so sad about the whole situation. I am such a loving person. I give and give to people and constanly get hurt and let down. I always thought he would never be like that, he was supposed to be different. My heart hurts. Literally. I just can't think of him being with someone other than me. I love him so much. I don't want to let him go or his family. They have become a part of my life now. I love the advice you both gave me but I don't know if I am a strong enough person at this point to end the relationship. I love him.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by amyro99

I have been dating someone for a year in a half. Up until 3 months ago problems started arrising. He was so in love with me for so long and was such a great boyfriend. Then he started acting very funny. Finally after 3 months of torture, I asked him what was wrong. He basically told me that he feels like he is married and wants to still be young and have his fun.....

 

What do you mean by fun? He wants you to fall back on if he can't get a date with someone else? Or if he just wants sex you become an "unpaid prostitute" ?

 

Or is he afraid of losing his time with his buddies? He won't be able to hang out with guy friends, or go away on fishing trips or things like that?

 

There is a big difference.

 

yet, he see's himself marrying me in the future and he still loves me very much. He is all I have known for a 1.5 years. We are still together and he is trying to make a decision on whether he wants to be with me or not. I am waiting patiently for his answer. I know he loves me and i love him so much... What do i do? Give him some space, shower him with affection? I want him to realize that he doesn't want to loose me. Please help me.

 

Have you two discussed what your ideas and expectations of marriage are? Are you familiar with the stages?

 

After a year and a half together, the "newness" of the relationship is wearing off and he may be remembering how he used to hang out with friends, or participate in activities that he knows you are not interested in, and he maybe feels that he is not supposed to do those things if he's in a relationship.

 

You need to determine what "putting me first" means to both of you. I used to think it meant that if my husband made plans with a buddy but I said I wanted to do something, he should drop his other plans and put me first. It doesn't work that way and it was very selfish and smothering of me.

 

A friend of mine (male) thinks that marriage is and end to one way of life and sees nothing but sacrifices. A lot of guys see it that way. Girls too, I'm sure.

 

A person needs time away from their significant other, to spend alone or with other friends, and not be made to feel like they are doing something wrong, or being insensitive, or unfaithful.

 

If he wants to see other women and "sow his wild oats" as they used to say, then dump him - he doesn't respect you. If he is just afraid of making sacrifices and having regrets, then maybe some couples counseling will help.

[nycelodean]

Being less available works with guys who take you for granted. But don't act unavailable, really be unavailable by moving on with your life and dating other guys. If he loves you and it was meant to be, you'll be together again at some point in the future.

[amyro99]

Well, thank you all for the advice. He is scared he will loose time with his buddies. He said "I will probley get to spend the rest of my life with you, and before I do that I would like to spend some with my friends." I have never ever made him not hang with his friends or not let him do what he wants. So apparantly its not really me. I do need to be more unavailable. Why do guys find that attractive? Any unavailable suggestions?

Thanks

[Apathybaron]

hmm, I am only going by personal experience here but from what i have seen whenever a guy says they want something other than you but then want to go back to you, it means they are looking for a guilt free way to cheat on you. Sorry if thats harsh but from all the men I've talked to in my life, thats usually what it means. They emotionally want you, but want to experience another body.

[clia]

I give and give to people and constanly get hurt and let down.

 

Don't give with the expectation of getting something back. Give because you want to give. You are let down because you are allowing yourself to feel let down. You have control over your feelings. Stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Stop it Right Now!!!

 

I don't know if I am a strong enough person at this point to end the relationship.

 

Yes you are!

 

You are! Trust me. You can do this!

 

He said "I will probley get to spend the rest of my life with you, and before I do that I would like to spend some with my friends."

 

These words are not coming from a man who wants to marry you. They aren't. If he wanted to marry you and spend his life with you, he could/should do so. Now! You've been together 1.5 years. It doesn't take that long to figure it out. He knows you. He knows what you are like. He is getting cold feet. He is questioning whether or not you are his dream girl.

 

You don't want a guy who doesn't know if he wants you, do you? Or a guy who is going to make you wait while he decides what to do? Of course not! You want a guy who knows absolutely for sure that you are the best thing that ever happened to him and that he wants to make you his wife.

 

Cut your losses. It will hurt, but this situation is not going to get better. You don't need to waste any more time on this guy. He has already made his decision. It is not the decision you want to hear.

 

Oh well. Nothing you can do about that.

 

Don't wait around anymore!

 

Why do guys find unavailability attractive?

 

It makes you mysterious. It makes you a challenge. When you are unavailable, it makes him think Where Is She? What Is She Doing? Where Could She Be? Is She Off Meeting Someone Else?

 

If you are sitting next to the phone answering every time he calls, he knows what you are doing. He knows you aren't off doing exciting new things. He doesn't have to worry. He doesn't feel the terror that you may be out meeting someone who is better than him. He knows he can call whenever and you will always be there.

 

You don't want to be this way! You want to be off doing all kinds of new and fun things. You want to have your own life outside of him. This gives you fun and exciting things to talk about when you do see him! Men like women who have LIVES.

 

Any unavailable suggestions?

 

Go to the gym. Go shopping. Enroll in a dance class, college class, cooking class, etc. Take a bubble bath. Write a novel. Go to a coffee shop. Go to a museum. Go to an art gallery. Go explore a part of town you have never been to. Go out to dinner by yourself. Go to a sporting event. Go grocery shopping.

 

Etc...