Pushing the platonic envelope

[busygirl]

Please help me to:

1. decide whether or not I should initiate a conversation with a long-time friend about moving a relationship beyond friendship

 

2. come up with the right words so that I can be clear, but not completely humiliate myself if he's not thinking along the same lines.

 

Background:

I've been friends off & on with Scott for 12 years (we’re 35). We were totally platonic the first 6 yrs, then we had a falling out and lost touch. In the last 3 years, we've started communicating more. Initially, we would hang out together at parties hosted by a mutual friend. We're part of a bigger group of friends, all of who are now married (we’re the last single two). He lives in Dallas and I live in Houston, but he comes down to Houston for work frequently (usually just quick day trips). Every couple of months, he stays in town overnight and he calls me for dinner. When we're alone, he usually picks up the tab and I usually let him pay (kind of like a date). If we're with our married friends in Dallas (I go up to see the gang 4 or 5 times a year), I whip out my wallet and pay for myself, and he's never offered.

 

A few of my girlfriends have noticed how chummy Scott and I are, and separately they kid us. About a month ago, one of the girls teased Scott about me and he made up a story that he thought that I had a boyfriend that I met at a Book Club (not true). Later our friend quized me about this Book Club, of course I knew nothing. I asked Scott about it, and he said he told her that story so that she'd lay off of him.

 

About a year ago, Scott & I decided that he'd spend a Friday night in town, and we went out to dinner, had lots of drinks, went dancing, and then out for an 4am breakfast. At the bar, we both flirted with other people (he started it). Scott challenged me to go flirt with someone, so I did. I hated that. I wanted to be with him. At the breakfast place, he was annoyed when I wanted to chat with a group of guys. We were both pretty toasted, and normally I wouldn’t have done that but I was angry about his flirting with others. As soon as we got to my house, he pulled out the sofa bed and went to sleep. The next day, he left my house very early. I was hoping that he’d stay a while and we’d hang out, but I sensed that he wasn’t comfortable. My thoughts were that if he ever wanted to push our relationship further, this overnight trip was his chance and he didn't want to (with me! Argh.)

 

Since then, we’ve had 4 great evenings in Houston, and a few great evenings in Dallas. It is very clear that we really enjoy each other's company and think each other is totally fun. We love talking about all the things we have in common, and I love spending time with him. We've talked about how we both want to find the right person to marry, have kids, etc. He will occasionally brings up girls that he's dating, but always mentions how he really isn't interested in them.

 

Last month, I made a quick trip to Dallas but decided not to call him ( I didn’t because I was annoyed that he had said in October that’d he was thinking about having a Halloween party which I didn't get invited to (it fell through), that he’d call the next week so we could have dinner again, and that we should get together at Thanksgiving. I never heard from him on any of that. On his defense, I had invited him to go to San Francisco in mid-November, but after not hearing from him, I went anyway but instead took my Mom & Grandmother. While I was out of town, he called me for dinner and I left a message telling him I couldn’t because I was in SF. He probably was annoyed at me for that, so that’s probably while I didn’t get a call for Thanksgiving). I've digressed. Back to my mid December trip to Dallas. It turns out that one of our friends told him I was going to be in Dallas before I actually flew up- so he knew I was there. However, he didn’t call until the day after Christmas and demanded to know why I hadn't called him while I was up there. Then he told me what he did the weekend I was there- he had a formal office party, and later had a party at his place. His date was some girl who has a long distance boyfriend (so she was available to go out that night). I didn't ask, but I wanted to know- what didn't he ask ME to go??

 

We've never been affectionate. Once or twice, he's given me a hug. And once I asked him for a goodbye hug. Sometimes this seems like a brother/sister relationship. We get along so well. Occasionally, I sense he might be thinking about more. For example, I'll be telling a story about a friend, and he'll ask if it is a guy or girl. But maybe I'm reading too much into it. We spent last Sunday together, and he asked about when I'll be going to Dallas next, because he wants to make dinner. He told me that his sister got him a cookbook on making meals for singles or couples. And he mentioned we would open up one of his very best wines. But then he said, "we can put together a dinner party- I'll just double or triple the recipes". Sigh. I can't figure him out.

 

Here comes my insecurity. I’m overweight, and sometimes worry I’m not terribly attractive. But then I think- he DOES call ME. If he were repulsed by me, then he wouldn’t call or be seen with me in public. Every other part of my life is going absolutely terrific except for this. I don’t want to kill a good friendship, but I think that we could be very good together. At Sunday’s dinner, he told me that he might be asked to move to Houston by his company and he'd be glad to do it. Finally. Potential to be geographically desirable. But that isn't for sure.

 

Can you please help me make sense of this? Should I ask him about developing our relationship past friendship? And how do I do that? I'm tired of time ticking away.

[Tony T]

The only thing I can do for you is give you my intuitive take on this. That's because there is simply no way that his mind can be read or his behavior can be analyzed with certainty.

 

I think he is very fond of you and loves you on a certain level. However, the physical part of a relationship is extremely important. I think that's the big problem here.

 

Join a gym, go see a nutritionist, get a personal trainer, stop eating deserts, cut your meal portions in half, walk a half hour a day in addition to your gym workout...lose the extra weight and I think this guy will melt right in to your hands.

 

I know this sounds very superficial but the harsh reality of attraction is that many men can be excellent friends with an overweight female but only be romantic with one who is in good shape. I know this for an absolute fact. And when you weigh less, you will feel so much better, more energetic and exude confidence.

 

There are females who come to this site who go through the roof when I bring up weight and I'm certainly ready to hear from them again on this. But that aside, I'm really wanting to help you here and losing weight is almost certain to get you this guy. He will never in 100 years tell you what the problem is for fear of hurting you...but trust me....shedding those extra pounds will do wonders, not only for your love life but for your physical and mental wellbeing.

 

All you needed to write was two or three sentences for me to tell you the problem. I usually don't read long posts but I did in your case and I'm glad.

 

Good luck to you.

[busygirl]

Thanks for the reply, Tony. Although I hate to admit it, I think you are right. I went back and thought about the guy friends that I've had in the past that I had no physical attraction to- although I thought they were great guys and good friends, I knew nothing more would ever develop. So... I've decided to be very disciplined, and began eating right and working out as of the beginning of the year. I'm down 12 lbs so far. This is my Year of Change, and I'm looking forward to the confidence that will result from my successful efforts. Interesting that you didn't answer my initial question, but I think I got the right answer. I'm going to wait a while before I approach him with the Question. But first, I have to work on me. I hope it works out with Scott; but if it doesn't, I'm well on my way to redefining myself into something that I can be proud of. And that pride shows- what an attractive quality. Thanks again.

[Tony T]

Sorry I skipped your first question....but I think you've got the drill. Before you pursue talking to him about anything, get yourself down to fighting weight so you'll be as physically attractive as possible.

 

Whether we like it or not, physical attraction is a VERY important component of a relationship. When people put on weight after marriage, the relationship usually goes down the tubes. It's a lifelong thing.

 

Best of luck to you...let us know what happens!!!