My wife acts like the divorce is no big deal

[Cardinal64]

Hi.

 

You know what really hurts me? The way my STBXW has this "oh its no big deal - many, many people are divorcing etc" attitude. To her, it seems like there are no repercussions whatsovever by ending our 7 year marriage .

 

She says our 6 year-old son is adapting so well to our separation . Well maybe it may seem that way - but I'm sure that he must be confused at times. You can't tell me that a child is not affected in anyway by their parents splitting up. Just the fact that I'm no longer living in the same house with his mother and him - and having go back and forth btw her place and mine - must have an effect. I feel really bad that my son had to have his family ripped in two just to satisfy my wife's carnal desire.

 

I left the house ( her house - she had it built before I was involved with ehr ) - about 5 months ago. Just could not take the lies, secrecy and cheating anymore. I mean when some of my wife's own sisters and a brother told me about her fooling around on me - you know that basically she didn't give a s*** anymore.

 

It still hurts but I'm trying my best to move on.

 

I'm sure she didn't shed any tears when we split up. It's like she was even happy and proud to rejoin the ranks of single women with a child.

 

I'm still trying to put my life back together again. It ain't easy folks.

My wife has become a very detached and completely different woman.

It's like the person she was - and who I truly loved - died and was replaced by some stranger.

 

Well thanks again for your support

Cardinal64

[Woggle]

Don't let it get to you. The woman you fell in love with was a fraud and now you are seeing her true colors. Women like her are a dime a dozen and they are very common. Your son is no doubt being affected by but all that matters to her is herself. I don't know what to tell you except that you picked the wrong woman.

[Lizzie60]

Hi.

 

You know what really hurts me? The way my STBXW has this "oh its no big deal - many, many people are divorcing etc" attitude. To her, it seems like there are no repercussions whatsovever by ending our 7 year marriage .

 

She says our 6 year-old son is adapting so well to our separation . Well maybe it may seem that way - but I'm sure that he must be confused at times. You can't tell me that a child is not affected in anyway by their parents splitting up. Just the fact that I'm no longer living in the same house with his mother and him - and having go back and forth btw her place and mine - must have an effect. I feel really bad that my son had to have his family ripped in two just to satisfy my wife's carnal desire.

 

I left the house ( her house - she had it built before I was involved with ehr ) - about 5 months ago. Just could not take the lies, secrecy and cheating anymore. I mean when some of my wife's own sisters and a brother told me about her fooling around on me - you know that basically she didn't give a s*** anymore.

 

It still hurts but I'm trying my best to move on.

 

I'm sure she didn't shed any tears when we split up. It's like she was even happy and proud to rejoin the ranks of single women with a child.

 

I'm still trying to put my life back together again. It ain't easy folks.

My wife has become a very detached and completely different woman.

It's like the person she was - and who I truly loved - died and was replaced by some stranger.

 

Well thanks again for your support

Cardinal64

 

She could be right... depending on how the divorce is handled by the parents, children, eventhough, they will be hurt and confused, might adapt fairly well to the separation. Parents have to be very mature and not fight in front of the children... it has to be as smooth as possible for the children...

 

I can believe that your wife has changed... maybe this life wasn't for her and she realized it several years into the marriage... that happens all the time...

 

How can we say, at 20 some years old, that we will spend the rest of our life with the person we are in love with at that moment, and sometimes have only met a year or two ago... People change... it's normal, and not always at the same pace as our partner. I just don't believe in 'forever, till death do us part' it is NOT reasonable and very unlikely.

 

I don't really have any advice except I wish you good luck and be a good parent... that's your most important 'job' right now.

[mrmaximum]

You wife sounds like someone who doesn't know the world exists beyond her own nose. Of course it's no big deal. It isn't one to her so why should anything else matter? As for your son, so long as he isn't doing anything too dreastic that too won't register on her radar (which is pointed soley at her). Woggle is right, just try to move past it, it's all you can do. She has shown her true colors and isn't right for you anyway.

[whichwayisup]

No child easily moves through the process of divorce. He's a little kid, so what he may be feeling is alot of confusion and doesn't know what it is or how to handle it. It could come out in so many different ways. Just because he may seem happy and normal on the outside, doesn't mean he is on the inside. I think your ex is trying to put a positive spin on it so she feels less responsible for the marriage ending. I dunno, I could be wrong though.

 

Love your child, make sure he knows you're there for him anytime he needs you.

 

And, as for your ex - HER loss, not yours. Mourn the loss of the marriage, but don't let her get to you...Most of all, don't let HER see that she gets to you.

 

I can believe that your wife has changed... maybe this life wasn't for her and she realized it several years into the marriage... that happens all the time...

 

Yeah but if she felt that the marriage wasn't for her, she could have let him know that and divorced him BEFORE having an affair, atleast that way he wouldn't be dealing with the fallout of his wife having an affair. There are always choices.

[michael's_pain]

...and more about you! Yes, she's changed -- she must have endured the same frontal lobe procedure my STBXW had done -- but that change is independent of anything you've done. You're of course caught up in the mess but the best outcome for all parties is separation and eventual divorce.

 

I'm going through the same thing -- STBXW has an affair, blows up the whole marriage and walks around the house -- where we still cohabitate until the settlement is signed -- whistling, singing, showing no guilt, remorse or culpability. It's disgusting to me, but a stark reminder that who I married doesn't exist anymore, and that the person I DID marry might not have ever been committed to the idea of "til death do us part, and we each must do our part!" It's a crushing time, and I encourage you to keep writing, keep talking to all of us who are your lifeline to sanity, caring and empathy. You WILL be better off. It's just hard to see that right now.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

I can believe that your wife has changed... maybe this life wasn't for her and she realized it several years into the marriage... that happens all the time...

 

How can we say, at 20 some years old, that we will spend the rest of our life with the person we are in love with at that moment, and sometimes have only met a year or two ago... People change... it's normal, and not always at the same pace as our partner. I just don't believe in 'forever, till death do us part' it is NOT reasonable and very unlikely.

 

Is it not interesting that she realized her "change" when she met someone new? If the marriage has been dying for years (oh the melodrama!), which is something heard quite often, then why wait to end the marriage? Is it simple cowardice, lack of character, and lack of personality? Perhaps it's something altogether different something innate. Perhaps these people have always been self-centered and selfish.

 

Of course people change throughout their relationships/lives. But there are those that leave b/c they themselves are different not b/c someone else made them feel different allowing them their so-called epiphany. How often do the cheaters leave for someone else and find years later that the OM/OW is quite similar to the old partner or has the same characteristics as the parent that fills the subconscious template much like their old partner? I'd venture to say more often than not. What then? Have they "changed" yet again--mmmm had another revelation? How many people's lives need to be destroyed so that these ever evolving creatures can find themselves?

 

Isn't it funny how those that do stay together for decades "til death do they part" have the same problems as the rest of us. Maybe in all those years together they've never met someone else that piques their interest? I seriously doubt it.

 

I have to agree but I too wonder what is the point of marriage. I was a happy-go-lucky single the kind through which my married friends lived vicariously, and now I'm terrified at starting over. I don't know maybe I'll start listening to country music, although I'm a blues fan it's just not cutting it at the moment.

[Trimmer]

Card -

 

I know some of what you are feeling. I think some of what you are seeing in her is a defense mechanism on her part against the truth of what she has brought about. We often hear "Oh, kids are so resilient...", which I think is a crutch that we parents use to make ourselves feel better. I think that kids can be resilient, if they are properly supported in their loss and grief, but to just dismissively say that "they're resilient" as if they don't suffer that loss or grief in the first place is a crock.

 

So either it really doesn't matter to her (Woggle's point) and she is a cold and heartless human being, or if by chance she does actually have some shred of humanity in her, she is probably fiercely defending herself against seeing the reality of the situation by convincing herself that it's all not that bad. My wife was similarly dismissive (among others was this gem: "I think humans aren't really cut out for monogamy anyway..." - isn't that usually the male argument?) but over a year later she finally cracked and in a brief moment of weakness - or honesty? - shared with me the horror that she had even hidden from herself for a long time "What have I done to them [the kids]?"

 

Which leads me to another point: realize that out of anyone to whom she might reveal any feelings of regret, you are the last person she would share that with; you are the person she most needs to hide from, and therefore the person for whom she needs to put on the most convincing act.

 

As for your son, the best thing for him is if he can feel like he is still loved and supported by both parents. No two ways about it, a split is a loss. Kids see their parents as a single indivisible unit, so a split is quite a shock, and it's not at all easy for them to adapt to a view of each parent as an individual. I once asked a counselor when kids stop fantasizing about their parents getting back together, and she said "They don't."

 

On the other hand, I believe you can still raise your son in a supportive, healthy environment. Do what you can to support his relationship with his mother as well. Hard as it is, try to put aside your "spouse" relationship - your need to extract revenge, to get your pound of flesh - and think of it from here on out as a somewhat businesslike relationship with the mother of your child. You have a common interest in the health and well-being of your son, so it's to everyone's advantage to work supportively to that end.

 

It's like the person she was - and who I truly loved - died and was replaced by some stranger.

I know what you mean. I wondered whether dealing with a death would have been harder or not. (Certainly it would be harder for the kids, but for me, I don't know...) At least when someone dies, you can hold on to the feeling that they left you in a state of love, and that you maintain some kind of loving connection with their memory.

 

When a spouse leaves, especially with an associated betrayal, it's like grieving a death where, on their deathbed just before dying, they gave you the finger, stuck a knife in you, broke their connection with your life, then died without any resolution. I won't compare my grief to someone who has lost a loved one to death (and as I said, for the kids a death would be immensely worse) but it does have a certain death-like finality to it...

 

Over time, I've realized that she changed, and I've started to see, in retrospect, the parts of our relationship that weren't as solid as I believed, in my innocence. However, I am still able to honor what we had when things were good, and at a minimum, the true love that I had for her (and that I believe she had for me in the earlier days...), without throwing up the scorched-earth defense mechanism of "she was a fraud" to convince myself that she was a deceptive, cheating beatch right from the start. I accept that everyone's story is different, but that wasn't true in my case, and I find myself more at peace, to be able to honestly acknowledge the good times and feelings we shared, along with the changes and loss that ultimately resulted.

 

Not to say that it wasn't a horrible betrayal, and that I didn't have to work through some serious anger and loss, but over time, I hope you will be able to "zoom out" a little to the bigger picture, and I hope you find some good memories among the grief.

 

I was always very careful not to lean on my kids for support, but at the same time, my focus on doing what was best for them helped catalyze my healing - I knew I had to get myself healthy, I knew I had to work through my anger (not to suppress it, but partly by acknowledging it...) to ultimately release it, I knew I would have to continue in some kind of parental relationship with my ex. All of these things guided me to the path of healing that I'm on now which, while it was done with the kids in mind, ultimately did me a hell of a lot of good for myself as an individual as well. Without that focus, I believe it quite possible that I might have just left town and gone off and wallowed in my anger and become "bitter guy."

[Trialbyfire]

Cheaters rarely feel deep and honest empathy towards their mates. They bridge off the existing highs from the affair with the OW/OM.

 

Remember, someone who loves their children/child unconditionally, wouldn't have an affair. The ones that do, look to self first, then child.

[Trimmer]

Remember, someone who loves their children/child unconditionally, wouldn't have an affair. The ones that do, look to self first, then child.

TBF - I feel a little strange taking the opposing viewpoint, but I don't know if it's that simple to characterize - or dismiss - a parent's unconditional love for a child. I am able to separate my wife's actions within our marriage from my belief in her love for our children. That doesn't mean I'm defending her as a perfect person, but I don't believe her actions as a spouse necessarily disqualify her from holding unconditional love for our children.

 

Point for discussion: would you continue your line of reasoning to say that someone who loves their child/children unconditionally wouldn't ever initiate a divorce? It's really the fact of the divorce that is the proximal cause of the upheaval in the child's world, so wouldn't your logic lead us to that conclusion?

[Trialbyfire]

Point for discussion: would you continue your line of reasoning to say that someone who loves their child/children unconditionally wouldn't ever initiate a divorce? It's really the fact of the divorce that is the proximal cause of the upheaval in the child's world, so wouldn't your logic lead us to that conclusion?

I understand where you're coming from but I believe that when a spouse cheats, they cheat on the family unit, therefore, betraying not only their spouse but the children and everyone else relating to it. I don't feel this is the healthiest relationship model to present to your children. It's saying that lying and cheating are acceptable as long as you benefit from it. I also don't believe you should hide infidelity from your children. Age appropriate information would be a requirement, at least in my opinion.

 

When one spouse wants out of a marriage and presents it openly and honestly, I see it as a reasonable relationship model because it's realistic to admit to the children that parents can make mistakes too but try to correct them openly.

[Trimmer]

I can believe that your wife has changed... maybe this life wasn't for her and she realized it several years into the marriage... that happens all the time...

 

How can we say, at 20 some years old, that we will spend the rest of our life with the person we are in love with at that moment, and sometimes have only met a year or two ago... People change... it's normal, and not always at the same pace as our partner. I just don't believe in 'forever, till death do us part' it is NOT reasonable and very unlikely.

I can agree with all you have stated, however this doesn't explain or justify or ease the added pain of her infidelity, any more than it would explain or justify any other behaviors that could follow the "people change" phenomenon - mental or physical spousal abuse, abandonment of a family... Some people change naturally and deal with the changes honorably (even in the context of ending a relationship); others use "people change" as an excuse for dishonorable behavior.

[Trimmer]

I understand where you're coming from but I believe that when a spouse cheats, they cheat on the family unit, therefore, betraying not only their spouse but the children and everyone else relating to it. I don't feel this is the healthiest relationship model to present to your children. It's saying that lying and cheating are acceptable as long as you benefit from it. I also don't believe you should hide infidelity from your children. Age appropriate information would be a requirement, at least in my opinion.

 

When one spouse wants out of a marriage and presents it openly and honestly, I see it as a reasonable relationship model because it's realistic to admit to the children that parents can make mistakes too but try to correct them openly.

Very good points. I admit I have a bias in that I am so protective of my kids relationships with both of us, that in spite of what my wife "did to me", I'm not willing to disqualify her from having unconditional love for our children, for their sake. But like I say, I'm quite biased, and not at all objective in that appraisal. Maybe it's one remaining fantasy among the wreckage of my lost innocence.

 

And I'm not sure I agree that the revelation of the infidelity to the kids is at all important, any more than you would share details of your sex life if you were still married. I'm open to discussion, though...

[Trialbyfire]

Very good points. I admit I have a bias in that I am so protective of my kids relationships with both of us, that in spite of what my wife "did to me", I'm not willing to disqualify her from having unconditional love for our children, for their sake. But like I say, I'm quite biased, and not at all objective in that appraisal. Maybe it's one remaining fantasy among the wreckage of my lost innocence.

 

And I'm not sure I agree that the revelation of the infidelity to the kids is at all important, any more than you would share details of your sex life if you were still married. I'm open to discussion, though...

While I have no children, I've always had an affinity to children and have always wanted my own. My nieces, nephews and friends' children are like my own in some ways but obviously not nearly as close as if they were my own. They tell me things which surprise and sometimes shock me. They are very perceptive so this is why I feel you have to tell them what's going on, in an age appropriate fashion of course. I've shared some information they've provided with their parents who were also shocked at some of the things. It's helped their parents understand how much kids can see and how important it is to be honest with their kids because of the room for confusion, therefore damage, when emotions are seething.

 

A child is the responsibility of both parents.

[Krytellan]

Apart from all of the evils you want to tag her with, just remember that all people deal with these situations differently. From the time my wife and I have separated, you would never know that I was going through a divorce. I act like I dont care. I'm not a heartless bastard, it's just the way I cope. I never act like things are bad, even when they are.

[ilmw]

Apart from all of the evils you want to tag her with, just remember that all people deal with these situations differently. From the time my wife and I have separated, you would never know that I was going through a divorce. I act like I dont care. I'm not a heartless bastard, it's just the way I cope. I never act like things are bad, even when they are.

 

That's great way to cope.... as long as you are dealing with it in a healthy way. As long as you are not in some form of denial... or full of anger and resentment...

 

We all cope differently... what you are doing is working for you... great:)

[mrmaximum]

Card -

 

I know some of what you are feeling. I think some of what you are seeing in her is a defense mechanism on her part against the truth of what she has brought about..... ....town and gone off and wallowed in my anger and become "bitter guy."

 

Awesome post man!!