Question for the dumpers.

[the_pope]

Any dumpers on here who dumped their exes, regretted the decision, called them up to try to reconcile and was told "No"?

 

Or is it usually the case that if you call them up then generally they say yes?

[Island Girl]

Any dumpers on here who dumped their exes, regretted the decision, called them up to try to reconcile and was told "No"?

 

Or is it usually the case that if you call them up then generally they say yes?

 

Sadly they have generally said yes. And no phone call was necessary. They did the chasing.

 

And the 2nd -- sometimes 3rd - chance was always a mistake. A big big HUGE mistake.

[sb129]

I was in a similar situation to Island Girl. I wanted out, he begged pleaded etc, and I caved in . I wish I hadn't. I got out eventually, but it would have been better if I had stayed out when tried to initially.

 

I dumped him because he treated me badly tho, so not really sure what scenario you are meaning.

[KaneNAbel]

Yes, I'm also curious IG. Have the relationships just run their course? I guess it depends. I dunno...

 

Were you just over them? And you decided to make it work one more time? Or why did you decide to try to make it work one more time? Out of pity? Or did you truly believe it may have worked out?

 

BTW, I've been reading your other posts (Island Girl) and I think your advice is just fantastic. I didn't need to post my own issues to get insight. I just learned vicariously through reading other posts and your insights. I would hope that if I did have a serious post sometime that you would share your wisdom with me.

[sb129]

She is de wo-man.

 

 

Sometimes when a R has run its course you still can't let go for alot of reasons. Habit, familiarity, better the devil you know, fear of being alone, that sort of thing. Thats why I kept going back.

[Art_Critic]

Any dumpers on here who dumped their exes, regretted the decision, called them up to try to reconcile and was told "No"?

 

Or is it usually the case that if you call them up then generally they say yes?

 

I did this with the ex GF that brought me to LS.. Sad story.. I became the dumpee when I did that.. She enjoyed it and punished me and got her revenge..

 

In the end it was her loss.. I did a lot of introspection and tried to make amends and made the changes that needed to be made that helped cause the issues..

She chose to not accept my changes and apologies as was her right.. but it makes it her loss at that point.

Every relationship has to be a 2 way street and she wanted a one way street

[Island Girl]

Yes, I'm also curious IG. Have the relationships just run their course?

 

Okay, well, I suppose you could say "run it's course".

 

Truth is they got entirely too weak and spineless. Clingy and needy.

The usual is it'd be sweet at first - but you know that old saying "be careful what you wish for". I didn't really wish for it but it did happen and essentially I made it happen.

 

So at first it would be romantic and sweet. Then it would be too much and I would start to feel smothered. Then I'd have to break it off.

 

I'd take them back sometimes because they'd regain they're composure (and backbone) a little bit, I would think missing a lot of the attention meant I missed them (at least that is what I'd tell myself because they were SO wonderful to me that I really should feel privileged - all my friends were always saying "you're so lucky! He's so great!"), but alas no.

 

Right back into the sucking neediness that suffocated me and made me feel as if I had to get away to get oxygen.

 

Were you just over them?

 

Over them, over it, unhappy. Felt bound, responsible for someone else's happiness, captive, and screaming for freedom.

 

And you decided to make it work one more time? Or why did you decide to try to make it work one more time? Out of pity? Or did you truly believe it may have worked out?

 

I was always told by people around me that "he" - whichever one - was such a great guy. "Look at everything he does for you. You should appreciate that. They aren't all like that you know. You're lucky."

 

And I'd think to myself, "they're right. Look at everything he does and puts up with. I should be appreciative and thankful."

 

Then I'd try. But the what he would put up with and do in return really killed it.

 

Just too much. I would lose respect for them because they'd become less like the man I met and more like a girl...well, that analogy is not perfect but it is as close as I can get.

 

I'd feel guilty when we were together. A couple of reasons for that -- 1) I should be appreciating this and I just don't because I feel so stifled and suffocated and 2) I am not being very nice to someone who cares about me so much. That would also give me more of a reason to not want to even be around him.

 

So it would die a miserable death. And then again.

 

Unfortunately the same scenario played out quite a few times.

 

So much so that I really thought I was incapable of "true love". At least as it was portrayed in movies, books, etc. and how it was described by others.

 

And my friends and the guys came up with quite a nickname for me.

 

Thankfully, I took some time away from any relationship. I still dated but had "barriers/rules" set up so a guy couldn't get too close. Not out of fear for myself but compassion for him.

 

So I dated for a couple of years without getting into a relationship.

 

I spent a lot of time by myself. And thankfully I grew and changed in that time period.

 

Then I met my husband and he was different in every way necessary.

 

BTW, I've been reading your other posts (Island Girl) and I think your advice is just fantastic. I didn't need to post my own issues to get insight. I just learned vicariously through reading other posts and your insights. I would hope that if I did have a serious post sometime that you would share your wisdom with me.

 

Thanks! That really means a lot to me. You never know who can get something out of experiences or thoughts put down in a post, y'know?

 

If you have a serious post - (I hope you never do!) I'd be happy to read and post.

 

As always feel free to PM me as well.

[Johnny B]

 

Truth is they got entirely too weak and spineless. Clingy and needy.

The usual is it'd be sweet at first - but you know that old saying "be careful what you wish for". I didn't really wish for it but it did happen and essentially I made it happen.

 

So at first it would be romantic and sweet. Then it would be too much and I would start to feel smothered. Then I'd have to break it off.

 

I'd take them back sometimes because they'd regain they're composure (and backbone) a little bit, I would think missing a lot of the attention meant I missed them (at least that is what I'd tell myself because they were SO wonderful to me that I really should feel privileged - all my friends were always saying "you're so lucky! He's so great!"), but alas no.

 

 

Ok, this is important for me. Isn't this what girls want?

 

In the case of my EX... I believe the man you describe above is EXACTLY what she has now and what she is choosing over me.

 

She claims that after been treated like dirt her entire life by men, she is thankful and happy to have someone treat her like 'gold.' Even though she admittedly said she loves him, but not head over heels in love with him. And although she likes a man with an ego (confidence), sometimes it's good not to have that to deal with.

 

Hmmm.. wonder how long that will stay interesting...

 

She said she doesn't want to give up her 'good thing' for a 'what-if' (me). Even though deep down I know that we shared passion and a connection that I really don't think she has right now, rather it is a comfortable/safe relationship.

 

Yes, I'm overanalyzing this and i really don't know how she really feels about her new b/f... but it's kind of the impression I get.

 

Just wondering .... Are all women like you? I thought women want strong / confident / independent men?

 

I dont know maybe she really does have what she wants now... maybe this 'type' of guy fits better with her than I did. Maybe she really loves him and I am just history and had my chance...

 

I don't know but this post really sparked my interest.

 

thanks,

J

[sb129]

There is a difference to being treated like "gold" and being with someone who is cllingy and needy.

 

You can still be a confident guy and treat someone well without being needy and clingy.

 

My BF treats me like "gold", but he is his own person, has a backbone, and I know I can't walk all over him.

 

My exBF was very clingy and needy (although he didn't see it that way) and suffocated me. He was possessive, jealous and controlling, but HE saw it as "looking out for me" and "doing the best for me".

The last few months of extricating myself from his jealous, insecure emotional bullying and manipulation were awful.

[upsetnhurt]

Island Girl,

 

I am curious.....You mention that your exes' became spineless and wimpy becasue they would do everything for you without having it returned by yourself, so you lost respect for them.

 

Was there a reason you did not return their kindness? Did you appreciate them in anyway? And to what lengths did you go to push them away without them leaving (ie. cheating on them, berated them, embarrassing them). I only ask as I can admit now that I must have been seen as spineless in my past relationship. Here I gave all my heart and would have placed my exes happiness over mine and did on most occassions, yet she continuing to see her ex of four years behind my back and eventually dropped me and probably went back to him.

[upsetnhurt]

Island Girl,

 

I am not sure why you perceived someone being kind to you and willing to show they would do anything for you as being spineless and wimpy. I can understand if you treated them wrongly (ie cheating on them, berating them) and if they did not speak up for themself for you to feel that way, yet why would you lose respect for someone just being nice? Did you treat them badly in return Island?

[upsetnhurt]

Island,

 

The more I think about this the more I tend to think that no matter how the guy treating you in those situations, you would have found reasons to find him in the wrong. I think it all comes down to the fact that you did not find love with them and were using there actions as an excuse for it. Had you, everything they did would have been right.

[KaneNAbel]

Upsetnhurt,

 

I had a similar situation to yours. The girl wasn't over her ex and it introduced an element of insecurity (she made out with the ex after we spent the weekend together; yeah, she stopped him and told him about me, but her seeing him a couple more times and talking to him did not help the situation). She wasn't ready for a relationship and that was the bottom line no matter how much I try to analyze it.

 

Looking back I think I began to try harder, which of course translates into clingy and needy behavior. I was fighting a losing battle anyways. It may sound like I have a defeatists' attitude, but I think I got a bit of growing before I'm ready for a long term relationship. I had a few self esteem things I need to hammer out before I can even begin to think of having a rewarding two way relationship.

 

As much as you are hurt, you're not going to get her back in your state. Work on yourself and one day a girl will swoon. They don't swoon over guys without self confidence, they only deal with them.

[sb129]

U&H I think you may be getting the wrong end of the stick.

 

As we have said, people can treat you well WITHOUT being spineless and wimpy.

[KaneNAbel]

IG,

 

Just curious. What was the nickname? That 'phase' in your life sounded like the phase the girl I just dated is going through.

 

She literally told me that she was upset because she didn't think she could find true love like her sister or her brother had. She had always been in LTR's for the past 8 years or so. She sounds like she needs to be alone for a significant amount of time.

 

Her friends (which included someone I knew) called her a 'man-eater'. Just curious what your nickname was, that's all.

[upsetnhurt]

S&B,

 

I guess I am asking what is it that classifies someone as spineless and wimpy? I do not think I changed the way I am for my ex nor do I think I chose to treat her that way as a method to gain her love. I am for all intensive purposes a good guy with a good heart and I try to treat all around me the best I can. I don't have expectations back from most but I guess I should have of my ex in terms of wanting to be treated similarly if we were in a relationship. Does that make me spineless and wimpy, you tell me? What I realize is that my ex classified me as such and therefore chose to use that reasoning I guess as an excuse to walk away from me. It was her problems not mine. I could have been an ass and she still would have found a reason to walk away. She just, as hard as it still hurts to say after almost a year, did not feel the same love for me that I felt for her. Therefore, it had nothing to do with how I acted; it was her looking for a way out the whole time and her simply not being ready for a serious relationship with someone else.

[sb129]

What one person thinks is spineless and wimpy may not necessarily be what another person thinks.

 

We are all different.

 

I suspect that the very phrase "spineless and wimpy" has struck a nerve with you because of your personal situation, and you are looking for more answers to justify your exes behaviour. As you say, it was HER problem, and while it hurt you, in the long run you are better off without her.

 

You sound like a nice person, who needs a bit more confidence in themselves, which will come when some of your hurt fades.

Another woman will appreciate you one day.

[KaneNAbel]

U&H,

 

There you have it. You said it yourself. She wasn't ready. It's not your fault nor hers. You just have to accept that she's not going to love you like you loved her. Maybe there was something fundamentally wrong with the dynamics in your relationship. You can't control anything, things just have to happen.

 

Watch this movie/read this book: "Shopgirl" written by/starring Steve Martin. It's a story of unrequited love. One guy just couldn't love her, but she had someone else. Cheesy suggestion, I know. Bottom line, you may not be compatible with her with where she is in life at the moment.

[upsetnhurt]

S&B and Kane,

 

Appreciate your insight. I think you both are right......I am still fazed by all the ongoings surrounding both she and I. I have been in no contact for over 9 months and while I am proud of myself for it, I also realize that I am still waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night thinking about why it did not work. I put a ton of pressure on myself to be the best I can yet her unwillingness to see that has taken a big shot to my confidence and self esteem. Not her fault there, it is my own. I need to find some way out of this mess cause life is way too short and it should be lived to its fullest. I'm freakin' 35 yrs old and I am still dealing with this crap!!!!!!!! Successful professional, great family, yet just crappy at finding love.

[sb129]

Give yourself a break U&H!!!!

 

You tried your best. Thats all anyone can expect of you. If it didn't work, then be satisfied that you did everything YOU could do to make it work.

[upsetnhurt]

S&B,

 

Thanks. I wish I could yet I am not constructed that way . I really should not, yet I do think about whether things would have been different had I handled situations with her differently (Been more outspoken, tougher). Yet I guess that when it comes down to it I was just being myself, one who hopes that being themself will make the other they are with always happy and always smiling.

[sb129]

If someone doesn't love you for who you are, being with them is hurtful and a waste of your time.

 

Who you are is YOUR business and nobody elses.

 

Someone will love you for yourself, they will honestly, but you need to give yourself a little more credit for that to happen.

[Island Girl]

Just curious. What was the nickname?

 

Her friends (which included someone I knew) called her a 'man-eater'. Just curious what your nickname was, that's all.

 

Man Eater as well.

 

--- But no, I am not your ex lol.

[Island Girl]

Island Girl,

I am curious.....You mention that your exes' became spineless and wimpy becasue they would do everything for you without having it returned by yourself, so you lost respect for them.

 

It was not the fact that they'd do anything for me - my husband would do anything for me - but they would lose themselves in the relationship.

 

Their life and everything to do with their life would start revolving around me. And everything I did was okay and excusable.

 

Was there a reason you did not return their kindness? Did you appreciate them in anyway? And to what lengths did you go to push them away without them leaving (ie. cheating on them, berated them, embarrassing them).

 

I didn't cheat or embarrass them in public or anything like that -- but sadly did berate them. Not on purpose mind you. I didn't set out to do that.

 

It was more out of frustration that something would be said that they should have "called me on" and they'd excuse it and pacify me when the person should have said something like, "look, I know you are having a bad day or whatever and we can talk about that but don't take it out on me!"

 

Or even, "you are being a total b*tch right now and I'll talk to you later". SOMETHING. But it was just accepted and in turn they were even more self sacrificing which would make me feel guilty that I had acted that way. Then my reaction to that guilt was anger at myself and the other person. Then I'd lash out again, it'd be accepted and tolerated, like a vicious circle until it was just too much and had to be over.

 

 

I only ask as I can admit now that I must have been seen as spineless in my past relationship. Here I gave all my heart and would have placed my exes happiness over mine and did on most occassions, yet she continuing to see her ex of four years behind my back and eventually dropped me and probably went back to him.

 

I am sorry you had such a relationship. It must have been difficult to find out she was seeing her ex behind your back.

 

I never did anything like that.

 

But you say you always put her happiness before your own. In what ways? Did you put up with things you shouldn't have , that in retrospect you should have said, essentially, "that's bullsh*t" to?

 

I am not saying in any way that her cheating is your fault in any way. But perhaps there is a lesson for you somewhere in there.

You shouldn't sacrifice yourself to the nth degree because of love. You shouldn't accept anything and everything someone does without standing up for yourself when it is appropriate to do so.

 

Island Girl,

 

I am not sure why you perceived someone being kind to you and willing to show they would do anything for you as being spineless and wimpy. I can understand if you treated them wrongly (ie cheating on them, berating them) and if they did not speak up for themself for you to feel that way, yet why would you lose respect for someone just being nice? Did you treat them badly in return Island?

 

Did the above answer this?

 

Island,

 

The more I think about this the more I tend to think that no matter how the guy treating you in those situations, you would have found reasons to find him in the wrong. I think it all comes down to the fact that you did not find love with them and were using there actions as an excuse for it. Had you, everything they did would have been right.

 

You are right - to a certain degree. However, I couldn't love someone who didn't love themselves enough to uphold certain boundaries of respect and have some basic demands of what they wanted in a relationship.

 

Even now, I am married and I love my husband. But I know he would walk if I gave him a reason to - as would I. Does that make sense?

[Guest]

S&B,

 

I guess I am asking what is it that classifies someone as spineless and wimpy? I do not think I changed the way I am for my ex nor do I think I chose to treat her that way as a method to gain her love. I am for all intensive purposes a good guy with a good heart and I try to treat all around me the best I can. I don't have expectations back from most but I guess I should have of my ex in terms of wanting to be treated similarly if we were in a relationship. Does that make me spineless and wimpy, you tell me? What I realize is that my ex classified me as such and therefore chose to use that reasoning I guess as an excuse to walk away from me. It was her problems not mine. I could have been an ass and she still would have found a reason to walk away. She just, as hard as it still hurts to say after almost a year, did not feel the same love for me that I felt for her. Therefore, it had nothing to do with how I acted; it was her looking for a way out the whole time and her simply not being ready for a serious relationship with someone else.

 

 

 

 

Women are not attractionto men who are spineless,weak,wimpy and have no backback. They lose respect for men who is way to nice to them,and women don't like men who to available and invade to much of their space. They love men who has confidence,self-control and a good challenge plus mystery in the beginning of a relationship...Listen to islandgirl...she telling u what women want and what they will not toloerated..Women want real men instead of wussy's.