Question for the dumpers.

[Guest]

It was not the fact that they'd do anything for me - my husband would do anything for me - but they would lose themselves in the relationship.

 

Their life and everything to do with their life would start revolving around me. And everything I did was okay and excusable.

 

 

 

I didn't cheat or embarrass them in public or anything like that -- but sadly did berate them. Not on purpose mind you. I didn't set out to do that.

 

It was more out of frustration that something would be said that they should have "called me on" and they'd excuse it and pacify me when the person should have said something like, "look, I know you are having a bad day or whatever and we can talk about that but don't take it out on me!"

 

Or even, "you are being a total b*tch right now and I'll talk to you later". SOMETHING. But it was just accepted and in turn they were even more self sacrificing which would make me feel guilty that I had acted that way. Then my reaction to that guilt was anger at myself and the other person. Then I'd lash out again, it'd be accepted and tolerated, like a vicious circle until it was just too much and had to be over.

 

 

 

 

I am sorry you had such a relationship. It must have been difficult to find out she was seeing her ex behind your back.

 

I never did anything like that.

 

But you say you always put her happiness before your own. In what ways? Did you put up with things you shouldn't have , that in retrospect you should have said, essentially, "that's bullsh*t" to?

 

I am not saying in any way that her cheating is your fault in any way. But perhaps there is a lesson for you somewhere in there.

You shouldn't sacrifice yourself to the nth degree because of love. You shouldn't accept anything and everything someone does without standing up for yourself when it is appropriate to do so.

 

 

 

Did the above answer this?

 

 

 

You are right - to a certain degree. However, I couldn't love someone who didn't love themselves enough to uphold certain boundaries of respect and have some basic demands of what they wanted in a relationship.

 

Even now, I am married and I love my husband. But I know he would walk if I gave him a reason to - as would I. Does that make sense?

 

 

well said island gal. most men don't understand that when they are needy,clingy,to available,no challenge in the relationship and put up with a women bit##h way's and she will then lose respect for the man and he history. island u should write a relationship book to tell men the do's and don't's in keeping a woman in the relationship for the long haul....

[upsetnhurt]

Hey Island,

 

Thanks for your input. I figure by my willingness to put up with both her and her ex's antics during our relationship, the respect I thought that would be created had the opposite affect. You are right.....I should have been the one to stand up and say that her and her ex's actions were unacceptable and were horrid enough for me to walk away. The days I had to come home and see my door knobs glued shut by the ex, paint thinner poured all over my Cherokee, constant hang up phone calls, late night visits to my home just standing outside the door......don't get me wrong I did call the police, yet in the end when they asked if I wanted to pursue charges I declined as she seemed dejected and intimated that this was not the type of guy she was dating back then and took the fault for pushing him this far. Honestly, I felt I would lose her if I proceeded and ironically, I lost her by not doing so (maybe I never had her to begin with).

 

It kills me that every time something good happened for us, (i.e. a fantastic weekend, a glorious vacation away, a day of staying bed and cuddling), something would either come up during or after these events (hang up phone calls or texts in the middle of intimacy, contact immediately after our fun) to completely eliminate any good that was built. I was fighting a lost cause and was willing to do it regardless of the hurt and torment that it caused me and that has been something that has shown me that I have a very low self esteem and low confidence in myself.

 

Regardless of what went on, I saw something deep inside her that I have not seen in others and for some reason hoped it would come out sooner or later and be applied to me. It finally ended when she mentioned that she was not sure that she could commit 100% to me and wanted to take a step back. I could not fathom it at the time and told her it was all or nothing. You see what then occurred.

 

I still think of her lots and only wish her the very best in life. I wish the love was there for her cause I would have tried my best to make her even happier than she already was. Island, do you think after nine months that things may have changed in her mindset and that she may have grown up? Is it worth attempting to contact her again to try? If her heart is now available per say, couldn't I take a shot at seeing if it may be available for me and start all over with her if she felt is was worth it too?

[KeysGirl07]

I dumped my ex because he was needy and clingy and SMOTHERING. Nothing turns me off more than to here a man whine "You don't spend enough time with me"......

 

I'm a working mother - I've got enough on my plate without feeling like I've got another child to take care of.

 

No thank you - give me a man who's secure and independent!