Im a Social Failure

[mikefarber]

Hey guys, i have a quite a bit to write

 

Im a 10th grader in highschool, and still am not allowed to go on dates. My social skills are extremely horrible. i dont know how to act in what situations. I dont have great conversations with anyone. I dont think i had a conversation going for more than a minute long with somone except with 1 or 2 guy friends talking about basketball. But when talking about basketball is gone through, i just sit there in the cafeteria all quiet, nothing to talk about.

 

I can never think of anything to talk about, and when i do once in a blue moon, i make is sound boring, and no one responds. anyone who actually comes over to talk is about them needing HW help or somthing. In 6th grade i got addicted to this computer game, i would come home from school play til 11pm then do hw for 30 mins then go to sleep. So me being obsessed stopped me from going to places, meeting ppl, befriending with others, etc for about 3 years. yeah, at the end of 9th grade i actually noticed somthin wwas wrong. i had no friends other than 4 people who i knew since 3rd grade. Im in 10th grade, i had to move, can you guys please help me? Make friends, not seem boring, when i try to say something to a girl, or a guy, i always seem to bore them, maybe its the way i say things? i have no conversation skills, my speech skills are horrible. Because i stutter alot. can someone help mee? id appreciate it

[sb129]

Oh, sorry you feel this way mate.

 

Getting out and doing things is a good way to improve your social skills.

Like playing a team sport or something like that.

I have heard of video game clubs, where you will meet up with people you have something in common with- which will make it easier to talk to them.

[beautifulearth83]

Hello Mike,

 

First off you're not a social failure. Second, I've been there and it will get better. I used to stutter, I used to not be able to say anything that seemed to interest anybody etc.

 

I found that talking to other people, even people you don't consider yourself that much in common with, can reveal some beautiful connections, with the exception of the "wrong crowd" I guess. Talk to others as if you're seeking knowledge. Spark up some curiosity (without trying to pry in too much of course). Most of all, just stick to what you love doing and follow your heart. When you do so, a good amount of the right people and situations will come along. Don't think so much either, just say what you feel when appropriate. It's something I'm working on too!

 

You'll find the right surroundings and people sooner or later, and hey, perhaps they're closer than you think

 

Good luck

[Scoop88]

I used to be in a similar situation as you are right now. First off, I would like to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. But, there is something that you don't necessarily like about yourself and you want to change that. Change is good and its great that you are stepping up to work on it. That's the first step.

 

Social occasions can be very hard, I know. If you don't feel quite comfortable coming up to new people, I would definitely try to get involved in something. Some sort of club that centers around video games could be great. Or maybe try to expand your interests. There are plenty of other clubs that are most definitely open to newcomers looking to learn new things. Try sports, it is a wonderful way to make friends as you will be communicating with those people in some sort of way almost everyday. No matter what you do, you know you have some sort of similar interests so you will have a new topic of conversation.

 

You said you are in 10th grade so I'm guessing you will be getting your drivers license soon. If your parents have errands they need to do, offer to do them for them. Or just do something where you have to go out. You might ask, what is this going to do for me? Well first off, it gets you out of your house. Let's say you go to the grocery store. When you are there maybe you will see something humorous that you can use later as something to talk about. It may sound stupid but people will talk about anything and could possibly relate to your story. Thats how conversations go often enough. Also, when you are at a store and go to check out, instead of just giving the cashier your items, paying, and walking out, start up a little conversation. Talk about some of the items you are buying. If a holiday is coming up, ask them their plans. They will appreciate that you are talking to them and will happily respond more often then not. You probably wont see these people again or if you do, they probably wont remember anyways so you dont have to worry about making an impression. But it gets you talking and it gives you great practice for communicating. Do this wherever you go, just strike up conversations about anything.

 

Make sure that you are always friendly to people. People will have a much greater attitude towards you if you give them a smile and or a nice 'hello'. This is one thing that I really like to do and it does work.

 

You do have things to talk about, you just might not know it. If you talk about something and you can tell someone is bored, who cares. At least you are communicating and you can always talk about different things later.

Put aside your worries and just get out there! It is definitely possible, it just takes some work.

[mikefarber]

thanks for the replies. hopefully this will help. but what i don want to sound boring? LIke how can i fix the tone of my voice so that nothing ever seems boring, no matter what i say

[Chamari]

Okay, my advice would be try not to stress about sounding boring--find things that you think are interesting and see what kinds of responses you get. And even if you feel like people think you're weird or whatever, don't worry about it, just stay friendly. I know a guy that when I first met him he came across as extrememly weird--that's what most people think about him after just meeting him to be honest--but after a month or so once we got to know him he became one of my best friends. He's got a unique sense of humor but once you get used to it he's incredibly funny. Maybe you just need to keep trying with people--sometimes it takes a while to appreciate someone.

 

And while you may not need to share all of your individual oddities with people right off the bat, don't be afraid of being yourself. Being yourself is the way to get to know people that will enjoy being with the real you and the best way to actually gain friends. You may not get as many friends, but what you don't get it quantity you'll get in quality.

[rogerloh]

Hey Mike,

 

I hate my voice too!

 

Go listen at http://theaffiliatesecrets.com/

 

Hope I didn't scare you off ;-)

 

 

thanks for the replies. hopefully this will help. but what i don want to sound boring? LIke how can i fix the tone of my voice so that nothing ever seems boring, no matter what i say

 

 

Alright, on a more serious note, we can't choose where we're born, how we we look like, how we sound like... these things are beyond our control, really.

 

So, I guess the smart thing to do is to accept who we are and move on in life.

 

Having said that, I'm aware of coaches who can actually help you improve your intonation and diction and stuff like that. Go check them out as you've got a BRIGHT FUTURE ahead, Mike!

[riobikini]

Gosh, Mike! -everything you said in your post sounds so familiar!

 

My So's son, "G" had the same problem at just about the same age/timeline as you (along with about a gazillion others getting through HS) -and although, it was a very intense time in his life (lots of anxiety over it) he got through it.

 

You *will* too!

 

I *know* it's tough trying establish some kind of footing -it is even with adults- when it comes to communication, but it does take practice -exposure to situations- all kinds of them to gain enough experience in learning *how* to successfully execute a few social situations you know you'll encounter over and over.

 

I agree with you about laying off the computer games and getting out there to meet and mingle with people.

 

It'll be kind of scary, at first (learning all this "people-skills" buisness) -but it's worth the trouble.

 

PC's rob so many kids (and adults....Smile) of too much time away from real-life people contact -and sort of retards those social skills.

 

It's difficult enough being a teenager these days -and it's always been tough for a lot of folks (any age in certain types of situations) trying to fit in somewhere in a group, or just managing to produce some interesting conversation that someone might respond to.

 

Don't give up.

 

And don't run back to the PC and crank up the old computer games -they aren't real enough.

 

Keep weaning yourself off them.

 

Get out in the fresh air -it works it's magic and you wind up feeling good, smiling a little, looking/feeling/behaving at ease and it works like a kind of a "people magnet".

 

(Smile)

 

Maybe they all won't gather round you like a guru all at once -but hey!- your countenance will be inviting -and with a little invested time, you'll start seeing a difference in how *you* respond that, in turn, prompts pretty decent conversation with people you meet.

 

There are a few really good suggestions I see given by others in your thread -try them out and see what works.

 

And good luck!

 

Mike -the awkwardness of the age you are will fade away with time -just put a little effort in this and you should get through it all just fine.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[fyibyit]

Join as many sports and clubs as you can find. The easiest way to be interesting is to do things that are interesting. Try new hobbies, learn new things, think outside the box on this one. Even if it doesn't seem cool to begin with, try it, give it an honest go. Volunteer, go to local hang outs, get out, get seen and pay attention to what's going on. You'll get there.

 

Good luck

[mikefarber]

Well, theres one problem. My mom is really overprotectve.. she doesnt like to drop me off at places, at friend's house. She like needs to be there. And when she is, i feel very akward. Any suggestions?

[Chamari]

Have you tried talking to her about this?

[mikefarber]

Yes. She tells me i shouldnt even be asking this to her, i should be focusing on my studying, and only that... ... If i dont get out and have a bit of fun with friends, how am i going to have fun studying if thats all i do. I told her taht. she didnt care

[Green]

look I was extremily popular back in HS, even more popular in college, and Im reaching new level of popularity out her in NYC... So when I give you advise you'd be best off not arguing and just following everything I say to its fullest. First off the second you turn sixteen get yourself a job thats atleast 15 hours a week no more then 23. You should try to get the best part time job you can with your obviouse travling limitations, dont forget public transportation and a thing call a bicycle when taking your geographic concerns into mind. they just moved minimum wage up to 7 recently so you'll make atleast 100$ spending cash a week. Now its the ultimate if you get a cool job, like say working at a resteraunt with cute waitress's and a young staff, or some other place that you can make friends you'll get to birds with one stone, money and friends. With the money you can aford to go out to places that cost money when invited, buy clothes that will make you seem more atractive, and have some of your own power in your life. Keep your grades up, but I really think working a job thats between 15-25 hrs is very do able. Look you buy tickets to a hot concert thats a gauranteed date, youll find some one who will go. so do ur homework and dont give me some excuse that I know ur going to think

[polywog]

Excellent advice, KMT/HMA. Heed it, OP. The day must come when you break away from the smothering maternal influence. In time.... then you will be free to be yourself.

[alextop30]

One thing that I really want to say is Noone can fail in social life/games. The fact that you do not come up with topics to talk about is really not that scary in its scence at all. I suggest just throwing yourself out there. Highschool is one of my most dark times because I was the class idiot - everyone was laughing at me (not with me). My opinion on the matter as well as my suggestion is that, it is not as bad as it seems, I suggest to you take some nice highschool classes such as geography, history... what ever excites u. After that in free time read some books something that you like. As you read you will see different places described Paris, Rome, Istambul, Maples, Venice. Than you will remeber the description of the place - process of learin. If you really like it you will want to talk about it with your friends.A conversation than would go something like this:

 

Friend: Today we learned about this really boaring place named Istambul, man that teacher tried to make it sound so important that he bored us our of our as***

 

You: No I actually happen to dissagree with you that place is actually pretty cool because there are these fenominal places that you can visit. You can go see this church and so on.....

 

Friend: Man that is cool, Some day I really want to visit that place it will be so cool.

 

Knowing more things helps - but at no point I suggest you forsing youself to read something because it becomes extreemely boaring if u try to do that.

 

Also do something that is fun - u suggest you like basketball go play that for fun there you might find some people to talk to. Again if you have more extra knoledge than the one that they teach you school you would probably have a lot to say. Also if you do not have a new topic to discuss ask someone for opinion on a stupid manner. I have asked girls what it means for their hair to frizz, or simply why they put eye liner on == stupid boy stuff - it achievend one thing It made them start talking

[wookinpanub]

Well, theres one problem. My mom is really overprotectve.. she doesnt like to drop me off at places, at friend's house. She like needs to be there. And when she is, i feel very akward. Any suggestions?

 

This is where good old teenage rebellion comes in.

[Virgo1982]

I LOOOOOOVVVVEEEE your signature!!!!!!

 

Sorry, sp...Wookinpanub