Owl Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 Rain- I can understand your fear...I really can. But something to think about...the INACTION is more likely to cause the end of your marriage than taking any kind of action. Even if he does run to OW...its entirely possible (PROBABLE) that it won't work between them...they really aren't ready to set up house and play married couple. It's more difficult than they think...and the odds are, they've been in that fantasy land of of the affair. Reality hasn't sunk in there yet. I'm the BS in a recovered marriage. I can tell you that drawing boundaries is one of the most critical steps in recovering your marriage...because if you don't...he'll suffer no consequences for his actions. People 'change' for two reasons...and only two reasons. They either change to move towards something that makes them feel good, or the change to move away from something that makes them feel bad. Your goal should be to make the affair feel bad, and the marriage feel good. Take steps to attract him back...but at the same time, make it clear that you're NOT willing to stay in a three way marriage, or you'll be there for a very long time. There are actually very few real variables in affairs. Almost every one follows the same 'script' if you will...there's a very rare occasion when you see something that DOESN'T follow that script. I've been posting on this and other websites for nearly 3 years...I'm also three years into our own recovery. I've not only read that affairs are nearly all the same...I've seen it over the course of thousands and thousands of posts and threads. Affairs are 'scripted'...and for that reason, so is recovery from them. Link to post Share on other sites
raincloud Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 I'm the BS in a recovered marriage. I can tell you that drawing boundaries is one of the most critical steps in recovering your marriage...because if you don't...he'll suffer no consequences for his actions. People 'change' for two reasons...and only two reasons. They either change to move towards something that makes them feel good, or the change to move away from something that makes them feel bad. Your goal should be to make the affair feel bad, and the marriage feel good. Take steps to attract him back...but at the same time, make it clear that you're NOT willing to stay in a three way marriage, or you'll be there for a very long time. Thanks for your advice. It is somewhat similar to some of the steps in a book I have been reading lately. I am a very emotional person to begin with, so there has been a lot of crying, etc. on my part. The book says to quit that all together, mainly in front of the wayward spouse. Then I need to pull myself together and change my demeanor when he is around, be respectful, but only deal with the daily business at hand - be more confident and sure of myself. Let him see this change and make him wonder. Then when the time is right, lay down the ultimatum - that is going to be the hard part, knowing when and then doing it. Yes, I know I need to put my foot down once and for all instead of going back and forth with him about the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I agree with Owl. (Good to see you btw, Stranger!!! :) ) The biggest danger to the marriage is the affair's existence. The excitement of a secret romantic affair can actually prolong the infatuation and attraction. Now, I kind of had the feeling that you're concerned about your wayward wife's right to privacy. Your initial post seemed almost apologetic in terms of examining her cell bill. While I would agree that it's unhealthy to become some kind of stalker for months and years on end... that's not what we're talking about here. You already have enough reason to believe that your family dynamic is at stake. And you can't fight what you can't see. So.... snoop. Snoop until you have a fairly good idea of what's going on. After you know what the REAL DEAL is, stop. It only makes a person crazy when they go on with it for too long anyway. Document whatever you find. Keep a log, hand-written in ink and entries dated. Put your evidence in a safe place just in case you need it. I'm glad you're getting supportive counseling. Make an appointment with an attorney as well. If for no other reason than 'peace of mind'. You'll sleep better at night knowing what your rights are. Many attorneys offer free or low cost initial consults. Your first step here is setting up your own support network. Doing so, allows you to deal with your fears of the unknown and frees you from paralysis. Remember... proactive, not reactive. Take the bull by the horns. Oh... and no more contact with the OM. OM and OW just lie their asses off anyway. There's nothing to be accomplished by you having contact with him other than to put you in a situation in which tempers can get out of control. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Another developement I called the OM and chewed his butt out, told him to stop seeing my wife if he knew what was good for him... That makes me feel better. So what did he say? Understand that doing this probably won't help much. Your wife will simply drive the affair more underground, take greater steps to protect OM from you, and resent you for going after her "boyfriend". Your wife is who is keeping this affair alive - OM is simply along for the ride. You will need to turn some of that stern determination onto your wife, and find a way to motivate her to end the affair. The only motivator for a WW to end an affair, is if she is faced with irrefutable loss and consequences for her actions - something like divorce, with her paying you alimony and child support, and full custody going to you. She will have to face the loss of everything before she will even consider ending the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author homelyboy Posted June 4, 2007 Author Share Posted June 4, 2007 [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]another development, , but I am trying to keep the marriage going. As this is a first offence I am giving her the benfit of doubt. We have not had sex in a long time....anyways I tell her we are now reconciled and need to have make up sex. Before we can start she says she has a surprise for me, she had her genital hair waxed. Now I my mind is reeling because in the past we have had sex and she has occasionaly trimmed down there but usually is very bushy, she used to trim on occasions (honeymoon, beach vacations) but never a wax. I also know she has ZERO pain tolerance so why would she get a wax, plus we were hardly sleeping together (hadnt done it for 2-3 months ).[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Again I have to ask the ladies would you just up and go and pay $50 to get your pubes waxed off (kinda like getting a hairdo), I dont know , it could be a woman thing, she says her girlfriend was getting it done so she decided to get it done to on impluse. maybe it has nothing to do with sex and more of hygine issue, am i reading too much into this, remember she has maintained she never had sex and the guy never got to first base! Also till this development I had kinda reconclied but this made me a lot more suspsicious, now how should I approach her with my doubts and intent over her waxing? [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]thanks[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]homely[/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
Author homelyboy Posted June 4, 2007 Author Share Posted June 4, 2007 another development, , but I am trying to keep the marriage going. As this is a first offence I am giving her the benfit of doubt. We have not had sex in a long time....anyways I tell her we are now reconciled and need to have make up sex. Before we can start she says she has a surprise for me, she had her genital hair waxed. Now my mind is reeling, this is totally unlike her, because in the past she has occasionaly trimmed down there but usually is very bushy, she used to trim on occasions (honeymoon, beach vacations) but never a wax. I also know she has ZERO pain tolerance so why would she get a wax, plus we were hardly sleeping together (hadnt done it for 2-3 months ). She told me she got the wax about 3 weeks ago, in my timeline thats roughly 2 weeks before i realzied she was having an affair. Again I have to ask the ladies would you just up and go and pay $50 to get your pubes waxed off (kinda like getting a hairdo), I dont know , it could be a woman thing, she says her girlfriend was getting it done so she decided to get it done to on impluse. maybe it has nothing to do with sex and more of hygine issue, am i reading too much into this, remember she has maintained she never had sex and the guy never got to first base! Also till this development I had kinda reconclied but this made me a lot more suspsicious, now how should I approach her with my doubts and intent over her waxing? ladies please help, Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 now how should I approach her with my doubts and intent over her waxing? You don't.. you enjoy it and let it go... If this is supposed to be a fresh start then it also has to be a fresh start on your end and by accusing her of cheating because she waxed her pubes you will be making a big mistake.. Just sit back and relax.. edit : I wanted to add though that you also can't be blind to things either.. but shaving your pubes off isn't a connectible thing to cheating.. Just keep your eyes open and if more things keep showing up then you might in totality bring these things up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author homelyboy Posted June 4, 2007 Author Share Posted June 4, 2007 thanks Art, i like the direction of your advice Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I disagree with Art. I think the waxing is another sign of her infidelity. I wouldn't bother to confront her with that suggestion, though. She has, I believe, lied to you repeatedly - what is the point of eliciting more lies? If it matters to you that she had sex with this man you might want to reconsider your approach to the problem. Ie - if you can forgive an emotional affair but would divorce over a physical one - well, I would be filing for divorce if I were you. Get the key logger, too. I doubt this affair is over. Link to post Share on other sites
reef man Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I have laid the law down, no calling the guy, no more partying wow...what was her reaction to that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author homelyboy Posted June 4, 2007 Author Share Posted June 4, 2007 sheba: thats why I asked for a womans perpective. The thing about what Art said is true too, she is working on this too, she is off the computer, no more chat till the middle of the night, she has also totally cut partying on the weekends and back at home looking after the kids, for the moment i think I threw a scare into her as I threatend her I would get the kids if as she cheated not me (i now know my threat carries no water as women get custody 99% of time) Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 OK, I have first hand knowledge that when suspecting infidelity or betrayal that EVERYTHING seem to be a sign. I'm not sure about waxing though. From a womans stand point. I have never waxed but in the last few months have read up, consulted girlfriends (one called Sat to say becareful, I burned my finger on the wax) about waxing because shaving everyday is becoming a pain and causing irritation. It's taken weeks to let things grow out to get to be atleast 1/4 inches to wax. I am not doing it because I'm having and affair. It also has nothing to do iwth my husband. When I first started shaving neither of those things were factors either. It is very hard in the begining to separate what is important from what is not. It is very important to keep your eyes open and notice everthing. It is very important to have a base line so that you will know when something is different and changing. One key is not to react to everything. Take note but don't react, that becomes craziness for you. I can understand that you might question the behavior but I don't think that waxing (expecially this time of year) is at all out of the ordinary, even for the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I have heard that "special grooming" like that does indicate an affair! From the fact it's extreme, she went through extreme measures, and not for you. Like I said before, Yep, they had sex. Well, what about the keylogger thing? She's just laying low until things blow over, trust me, you'll be back here soon saying I was right! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 Given what you have posted here about her, I think its pretty clear that she didn't do it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author homelyboy Posted June 4, 2007 Author Share Posted June 4, 2007 time to call Keylogger to my aid. Guess I gotta stop hiding behind the cloak of ignorance Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 time to call Keylogger to my aid. Guess I gotta stop hiding behind the cloak of ignorance Are you, on some level, afraid to find out the truth? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
FireandIce Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 When I confronted here with this information, my wife confessed that she has feelings for him, but there has been no sex, kissing or any phycial contact the guy is apparently very religous and is not "that type". Gee, my WH said the same thing about the whore he was sleeping with. "It's against her religion to have sex before marriage". Little did he know that I already knew they had been sleeping together. Whether they are having sex or not, they are having an affair. You are supposed to be her best friend, not him. Personally I wouldn't put up with their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
reef man Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 You don't.. you enjoy it and let it go... If this is supposed to be a fresh start then it also has to be a fresh start on your end and by accusing her of cheating because she waxed her pubes you will be making a big mistake.. I don't really agree. She said she had a surprise for him...but this looks like it was done for the other man, not him. So if this is true, she is still lying to him....in this case, telling him it was a surprise for him when it wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I'd pretty much garauntee that this was done for OM, not for you. BUT...there isn't anything you can do about it at this point. Kick your 'snooping' into a higher gear. Get that keylogger installed, check her cell phone records, actually look at her phone log itself for the texts, etc... See if you can get a friend that she doesn't know to follow her if there's a time that you suspect she could be using to meet with OM. Get your "proof" on where things between her and OM are. In the meantime, do your best to meet her emotional needs, take care of yourself, and overall make yourself more attractive to her. Go on dates...etc... Once you get the proof, be ready to take steps to fight to end the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Whether or not you decide to give up on your marriage, do something for yourself, homelyboy. Your screen alias alone tells us you have low self-esteem - as does your story. I suggest you look for a way to feel better about yourself - work out, perhaps. Take a class, or take up a sport. Do something you enjoy, just for you. Treat yourself with love. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I'd pretty much garauntee that this was done for OM, not for you. I can only state from my experience. I asked my wife many times to trim and wax her cooter.....(I love that word) she didnt start doing it until she was in the height of the sexual part of her affair. I remember after I found our and we were reconciling....one of the questions I had was if she waxed for me or OM. She didnt lie...she said it was for him... just keep your eyes open brother..... Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I can only state from my experience. I asked my wife many times to trim and wax her cooter.....(I love that word) she didnt start doing it until she was in the height of the sexual part of her affair. I remember after I found our and we were reconciling....one of the questions I had was if she waxed for me or OM. She didnt lie...she said it was for him... just keep your eyes open brother..... That must sting like fire, even now............ Link to post Share on other sites
Seen_It_All Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 We have not had sex in a long time.... Before we can start she says she has a surprise for me, she had her genital hair waxed. HomelyBoy, quite honestly when I read this post about her Brazilian wax, I began thinking you were a troll because of the way you refuse to put these extremely obvious puzzle pieces together. I don't mean that as an insult, I was just blown away that you even considered for a second that she's on the up and up with this. A waxing is torture - especially the FIRST one (as she just had). It's not like getting your nails done. It's not like getting your hair highlighted. It's akin to having 6,893 razor-sharp darts forcibly pounded into your genital region with a dart gun. And all the darts are on fire. You haven't had sex for a long time. This woman can't even bear for you to touch her - yet you honestly believe she's going to go through the Death of a Thousand Cuts (a/k/a a genital waxing) to 'surprise' you? Furthermore, if you hadn't insisted on sex that evening, do you honestly think you would have even found OUT about this waxing? She only came clean about her "surprise" because she knew your finding out about it was iminent since you'd brought up the sex issue and she couldn't find a way to wiggle out of it (yet again). Dude, seriously, you need to face reality here. As an adult woman, the VERY LAST THING I'd do is go through the HE*LL of a genital waxing for someone I haven't had sex with in a very long time. Sorry, but the writing is ALL OVER THE WALL on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
april sunshine Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Thought I would post to confirm that it HURTS!!! Worthwile afterwards, but not something you would put yourself through unless you are seriously trying to impress...........as her husband you are already impressed, you wouldn't have married her otherwise. If she is not partial to 'suffering for beauty' a brazilian wax is very extreme.....I have a high pain tolerance and it is still no day at the beach..... Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 That must sting like fire, even now............ yes it did and still does at times.... Link to post Share on other sites
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