Are you better looking than MM's wife?

[silktricks]

But the one common denominator is they are all based on lies, BOTH ways. The difference is OW chooses to believe the lies during the A and the BS choosed to believe the lies AFTER the A.

Actually no. The OW chose to believe that she wasn't being lied to during the A, knowing she was canoodling with a liar. The BS NEVER chose to believe the lies. We had no choice about those lies.

 

What we chose was to believe and forgive our repentent husbands - or in some cases not to believe them and not to forgive. Everyone of us who chose to forgive, however, put an unimaginable amount of effort and energy into assuring ourselves that there were NO MORE LIES going on.

 

The fact that you want FBS to be in pain about having forgiven our husbands, and want to bring doubt back into our lives shows more about your character than even the cheating with a MM did.

[Tomcat33]

Actually no. The OW chose to believe that she wasn't being lied to during the A. The BS NEVER chose to believe the lies. We had no choice.

 

Notice I said:

 

The BS who stays with the cheater chooses to belive the lies AFTER the A. Operative word being AFTER. If he lied to temporarily get away from the marriage what's to say he won't lie to get back in it?

[OpenBook]

Ugly games? Please be so kind as to explain?

 

You observe your husband's suffering - the "big lug" you profess to love - you see the pain in his eyes, you hear it in his voice. And your reaction? You gloat, "I'm better off than he is."

 

To me, that's ugly.

[mopar crazy]

Mopar: the percentage is not for me it is for you, to me it is irrelevant what%# you give to whom. You are choosing to excuse your H based on % of fault when he was the one married to you, not the OW.

 

so ok you want to make it 60% because the OW pursued him aggressively who did not stop until she got what she wanted. SO if you had encountered the same in a man, basically a man who came on to you aggressively and would not stop until he got what he wanted, that means you too would have been 40% to blame for cheating on your H.

 

Let me turn the tables around let's say you have a man who is very aggressive and will not take no for an answer, will you accept it?

 

On a side note I am not sure what you situation was like exactly (didn't your H file for D?) but people get aggressive in the pursuit in the A it appears when they are promised things they are not getting, when hopes are high because words are spoken and actions don't match.

 

I have heard it so many times by the BS and the cheater himself, that the OW was relentless and pursued the H. Well it appears maybe the H is still not being honest because in many of those instances the reason the woman pursues is because the man leads her on. Of course there are exceptions but please don't kid yourself that ALL OW are man eaters out to steal. According to what I read a lot are quite the opposite but in the peak of the romance, they just want what is promised to them that's all.

They are pursuing based on the green light given by the man.

 

 

Sorry I miseunderstood about the preme thing ;-) thought it was your H.

 

 

I know Shelly, we hear it again, and again, an again, the OW owes us nothing, she didn't make vows to us, our H's did. He may have made the vows to stay faithful and he broke those vows. But, if there wasn't willing participates (OW) there would be no A's no would there? If a woman knows a man is M she needs to tell him off! I understand some MM do not tell the truth about their martial status to woman and those women I feel badly for. But, if the continue to R w/ the MM then I put some of the blame on them for continuing the A.

 

I've had a man come onto me aggressively. Every time I went to the bar he would buy me a drink. He even brought me 6 long stem roses to my table when the bar was packed. I told him I couldn't accept them, I was M. He shrugged his shoulders, laid them down, and walked away. This man knew I was M the first time he bought me a drink but he continued. No, he wasn't as aggressive as H's xOW but I'm sure he would of been if we worked together.

 

I can say NO, I can say "I'm M, there is nothing going to happen between us." I couldn't do that, not to H, not to my kids, not to ppl I'm close to. It's against my beliefs and morals. Too bad my own H couldn't of said no himself.

 

So, TC, are you trying to say that my H is more to blame on the A than the OW is? What they did was both wrong, but what she did was even more wrong. H was in a vulnerable state in his life. Our M wasn't good as it was and as soon as OW came bopping in and showing attention, flirting w/ him, pursing him, preying on his confusion about D me or not. Of course she made herself look good to H. She probably made herself look like some saint to him. That she would treat him like gold. He thought he would be better off and happier w/ her and I think at the beginning he was. He put in a letter and poems that he loved her, wanted to spend the rest of his life w/ her. He was out of the M that wasn't good, he was starting his life over w/ her. Funny thing was, he was still coming over and having sex w/ me three times a week! This was b4 I found out the A was the truth and not just a bunch of gossip ppl were trying to pull on me. I stopped having sex w/ him as soon as the OW's stbxh gave me the letters and poems. I knew then the A was taking place and I wasn't going to put up w/ it. If he really loved the OW why in the hell would he come sleep w/ me and possibly risk loosing what he had w/ her? I know, cake eater but I guess I just don't understand it. He claims it's b/c he still loved me and loved making love to me. He even told me that if I decided not to work on the M he would still want to have sex w/ me. LOL! Like that was going to happen!

Honestly, and it's hard for me to say this, I don't think H gave the R enough time. He was out of the crappy M we were living. We were close to a D, he was happy w/ the OW why did he come back? He did leave the M, he was out, he was happy w/ her, but he chose to come back to me.

 

Are you saying that my H could still be lying about the A? About her pursing him and maybe he lead her on to believe he would have an A w/ her so she continued to pursue him? I don't think so. Maybe when he decided the M was over he did, but I can't see him doing that b4 he decided to have an A.

 

I know the OW personally, know what she is like. And this isn't the first A she has had w/ a MM.

 

Sorry if I'm rambling, kids are being a PITA and I can't concentrate.

[Tomcat33]

Actually no. The OW chose to believe that she wasn't being lied to during the A, knowing she was canoodling with a liar. The BS NEVER chose to believe the lies. We had no choice about those lies.

 

 

NO the BS chose to belive the lies after the A, is the EXACT same thing on the opposite end of the spectrum. One woman chooses to believe the man and so does the other.

 

You had no choice while the A was happening yes of course but after you found out he is capable of lying to you you chose to believe his lies to cover that up. No matter how you slice it it's still two women choosing to believe the lies. The BS who walked away chose not to believe the lies, they are the only ones.

 

Lastly I'll repeat it one more time, if he was capable of tremendous lies to temporarily get away from his W he is DEF capable of more lies to get back with her. That's how liars operate

[GreenEyedLady]

Weren't you worried what ppl would think? Weren't you concerned that if someone knew MM and his W would see you two out and run and tell her?

 

I didn't know he was married for a LONG time...we lived a ways apart so I didn't know her...But I met his coworkers and everything...I was not a secret...and after I did know, I think that's really HIS problem if someone runs out and tells her...

[GreenEyedLady]

I notice you are talking in past tense. "went "

 

Your comment to me shows a lack of consideration for the BW of the xMM. Of course, cheating with her H does that in itself, but you had to make it worse by being seen in a public place where you could be seen by said BW, risking hurting her?

How were you able to go out in public with someone else's H? I'm talking conciously, you know, having a conscience and all?

 

Maybe you should read my above reply...

 

And why am I the one who should care so much about her being hurt? You think she'd care that he lied to me about his marital status? Don't think so...

 

I'm sorry all the boo-hooing about the BS on here gets old after awhile...take responsibility for your part in the downfall and rebuild...marriage isn't an entitlement, it's a work in progress...perhaps if marriage was considered an extension of dating, it would last longer and stronger...

[mopar crazy]

I copied and pasted and just showed H this:

"Marriage is not just "I love you and we are one and we live as best friends lovers and mates" it is all the other material stuff, the life together with other couples, the whole package, the house, the car, the shared friends, the comfort of barbQing come summer VS renting an apartment and not barbqing, the home cooked meals, the tv and dinner is serves, computer in the den and dinner is served, the bills paid the weekend cottage, the extra INCOME, the combined credit, the joint accound, having laundry done, the whole thing. It's a whole bunch of material stuff that one benefits from in being in a marriage. And starting over on your own is DAMN scary."

 

I asked him TBH, agree or disagree. H knows I hate when he lies and I promised I would not be mad, I just wanted his honest opinion b/c we were discussing it on this board. He said he didn't agree and he could tell a woman wrote it.

 

I personally don't think it's about materialist things w/ a man. A woman is more materialist that most men. My sil prove just that. They have to have everything under the sun. My sil just HAD to have a Hummer. She is VERY materialist but I know she isn't M to my brother b/c he can offer her nice things. They didn't have a pot to piss in the first few years of dating or being M.

 

I didn't M my H b/c he had money, that was far from the truth. My H didn't M me b/c I had money, even farthest from the truth, I only made 75 cents over minimum wage at a grocery store as a price coordinator. If my H M me b/c he thought we could have nice materialist things he M the wrong person.

 

We got M b/c we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. If either one of decide the M wont survive we aren't going to worry about materialistic things, it's b/c we aren't happy any more.

 

My H said he did not agree and that he could tell a woman wrote it. He had no idea what we were even discussing.

[Tomcat33]

I know Shelly, we hear it again, and again, an again, the OW owes us nothing, she didn't make vows to us, our H's did. He may have made the vows to stay faithful and he broke those vows. But, if there wasn't willing participates (OW) there would be no A's no would there? If a woman knows a man is M she needs to tell him off! I understand some MM do not tell the truth about their martial status to woman and those women I feel badly for. But, if the continue to R w/ the MM then I put some of the blame on them for continuing the A.

 

I've had a man come onto me aggressively. Every time I went to the bar he would buy me a drink. He even brought me 6 long stem roses to my table when the bar was packed. I told him I couldn't accept them, I was M. He shrugged his shoulders, laid them down, and walked away. This man knew I was M the first time he bought me a drink but he continued. No, he wasn't as aggressive as H's xOW but I'm sure he would of been if we worked together.

 

I can say NO, I can say "I'm M, there is nothing going to happen between us." I couldn't do that, not to H, not to my kids, not to ppl I'm close to. It's against my beliefs and morals. Too bad my own H couldn't of said no himself.

 

So, TC, are you trying to say that my H is more to blame on the A than the OW is? What they did was both wrong, but what she did was even more wrong. H was in a vulnerable state in his life. Our M wasn't good as it was and as soon as OW came bopping in and showing attention, flirting w/ him, pursing him, preying on his confusion about D me or not. Of course she made herself look good to H. She probably made herself look like some saint to him. That she would treat him like gold. He thought he would be better off and happier w/ her and I think at the beginning he was. He put in a letter and poems that he loved her, wanted to spend the rest of his life w/ her. He was out of the M that wasn't good, he was starting his life over w/ her. Funny thing was, he was still coming over and having sex w/ me three times a week! This was b4 I found out the A was the truth and not just a bunch of gossip ppl were trying to pull on me. I stopped having sex w/ him as soon as the OW's stbxh gave me the letters and poems. I knew then the A was taking place and I wasn't going to put up w/ it. If he really loved the OW why in the hell would he come sleep w/ me and possibly risk loosing what he had w/ her? I know, cake eater but I guess I just don't understand it. He claims it's b/c he still loved me and loved making love to me. He even told me that if I decided not to work on the M he would still want to have sex w/ me. LOL! Like that was going to happen!

Honestly, and it's hard for me to say this, I don't think H gave the R enough time. He was out of the crappy M we were living. We were close to a D, he was happy w/ the OW why did he come back? He did leave the M, he was out, he was happy w/ her, but he chose to come back to me.

 

Are you saying that my H could still be lying about the A? About her pursing him and maybe he lead her on to believe he would have an A w/ her so she continued to pursue him? I don't think so. Maybe when he decided the M was over he did, but I can't see him doing that b4 he decided to have an A.

 

I know the OW personally, know what she is like. And this isn't the first A she has had w/ a MM.

 

Sorry if I'm rambling, kids are being a PITA and I can't concentrate.

 

 

I know Mopar, but OW and not in the derrogatory sense just as in OTHER POSSIBILITES are always going to exist. You need to accept that, but we also hope to be with someone that is going to be strong enough in character to resist that. It's attractive in a guy is it not?

 

Ok and this is what point I wanted to reach, no matter what no matter how much you thought your marriage was failing and no matter how agressive men pursued you cheating was NOT an option for you. Correct? When your marriage was on the rocks and your H was vulnerable SO WERE YOU. It was just as hard if not harder on you the problems in the relationship, and you didn't choose to confide in another man, not for a lack of available men as you are sharing with us here with the bar story because I am sure men pursue you.....but simply because you chose not to go down that path.

 

Your H chose TO. so when I hear the reasoning behind excusing what he did in terms of % of blame with him and the OW I can't help but see it as a form or justification on your part for opting to stay with him.

 

I can't answer why your H came back to you and the reality is you will never really know why he came back to you. The only thing you DO know for certain is that when there were problems he chose to get away from you and put his attention on another woman. So you tend to work on what you do know rather than what you don't, is more my inclination...

But look you want to stay with him and it's working and that's definitely a good thing and I can say the more power to you.

 

I am not saying he could still be lying to you I don't know that and never will. All I am saying is that a lot of betrayed people put the blame on the OP and the vulnerable state of their mates, and the fact that the OP pursued them. Well you'd be surprised just how much cheaters pursue and how much they say and do to get want when they want it, when they are in "A" mode. There are plenty of women who seduce too no doubt but I would caution you believing it was all HER doing, there has to be a geen light in there somewhere....

[Tomcat33]

I copied and pasted and just showed H this:

"Marriage is not just "I love you and we are one and we live as best friends lovers and mates" it is all the other material stuff, the life together with other couples, the whole package, the house, the car, the shared friends, the comfort of barbQing come summer VS renting an apartment and not barbqing, the home cooked meals, the tv and dinner is serves, computer in the den and dinner is served, the bills paid the weekend cottage, the extra INCOME, the combined credit, the joint accound, having laundry done, the whole thing. It's a whole bunch of material stuff that one benefits from in being in a marriage. And starting over on your own is DAMN scary."

 

I asked him TBH, agree or disagree. H knows I hate when he lies and I promised I would not be mad, I just wanted his honest opinion b/c we were discussing it on this board. He said he didn't agree and he could tell a woman wrote it.

 

I personally don't think it's about materialist things w/ a man. A woman is more materialist that most men. My sil prove just that. They have to have everything under the sun. My sil just HAD to have a Hummer. She is VERY materialist but I know she isn't M to my brother b/c he can offer her nice things. They didn't have a pot to piss in the first few years of dating or being M.

 

I didn't M my H b/c he had money, that was far from the truth. My H didn't M me b/c I had money, even farthest from the truth, I only made 75 cents over minimum wage at a grocery store as a price coordinator. If my H M me b/c he thought we could have nice materialist things he M the wrong person.

 

We got M b/c we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. If either one of decide the M wont survive we aren't going to worry about materialistic things, it's b/c we aren't happy any more.

 

My H said he did not agree and that he could tell a woman wrote it. He had no idea what we were even discussing.

 

 

Well that's good that you showed your H what I worte and he didn't agree with that... then his word says he is with you for all the right reasons.

 

On the other hand asking a wayward H what do you think of the above statement is like asking a man "honey do you think I look fat in this?" we all know men are programmed to say what's best for all...:D

And if they know what's best for them then the answer will be NO!

:D

We gotta laugh at ourselves from time to time...

 

My comment wasn't so much about just money or just the material things, it is more the comfort of the whole life you have built together as opposed to having to start over basically from scratch. When faced wiht the idea of having to start all over VS staying at home suddenly homelife didn't seem so bad...it is the comfortable thing to do.

 

I had a chat with my ex's mother one night and she was telling me about his marriage and how the whole family had seen it was not going to last, they said to him "how come you were the last to see you would not be happy married to her" and I asked her well why DID he marry her, and she said to me "well because once he did it even though he knew he was not happy he faced the fact that the deed was done and so the responsible thing to do was just to accept it and coast along. He had said the same thing to me in so many other words. The moral is, if you get used to coasting after a while that just becomes the way of life, and change is a lot more work that coasting. So many people just resign to a life rather than take charge and live it as they wish they could. I think in his case that is what happened. And that in itself if not very attractive to me....

 

I dont think this is your case Mopar is sounds like you married for the right reasons and somewhere down the line things just went off track.

And maybe that was the case in my guy's rel I'll never really know the truth..

[silktricks]

Notice I said:

 

The BS who stays with the cheater chooses to belive the lies AFTER the A. Operative word being AFTER. If he lied to temporarily get away from the marriage what's to say he won't lie to get back in it?

I can see that it makes you very comfortable to believe that the MM lies to the wife when he goes back to her. It's kinda sad, though how much you twist reality to make life feel better for yourself.

 

Are you the 33 that your name implies?

[Tomcat33]

I can see that it makes you very comfortable to believe that the MM lies to the wife when he goes back to her. It's kinda sad, though how much you twist reality to make life feel better for yourself.

 

Are you the 33 that your name implies?

 

 

He lied to her to have the affair didn't he? Is it THAT far fetched to think he will keep lying to her to win her back?

 

I would bet my house on it, confidently that he does.

 

 

I'm 34. Does that matter?

[mopar crazy]

Well that's good that you showed your H what I worte and he didn't agree with that... then his word says he is with you for all the right reasons.

 

On the other hand asking a wayward H what do you think of the above statement is like asking a man "honey do you think I look fat in this?" we all know men are programmed to say what's best for all...:DAnd if they know what's best for them then the answer will be NO!

:D

We gotta laugh at ourselves from time to time...

 

My comment wasn't so much about just money or just the material things, it is more the comfort of the whole life you have built together as opposed to having to start over basically from scratch. When faced wiht the idea of having to start all over VS staying at home suddenly homelife didn't seem so bad...it is the comfortable thing to do.

 

I had a chat with my ex's mother one night and she was telling me about his marriage and how the whole family had seen it was not going to last, they said to him "how come you were the last to see you would not be happy married to her" and I asked her well why DID he marry her, and she said to me "well because once he did it even though he knew he was not happy he faced the fact that the deed was done and so the responsible thing to do was just to accept it and coast along. He had said the same thing to me in so many other words. The moral is, if you get used to coasting after a while that just becomes the way of life, and change is a lot more work that coasting. So many people just resign to a life rather than take charge and live it as they wish they could. I think in his case that is what happened. And that in itself if not very attractive to me....

 

I dont think this is your case Mopar is sounds like you married for the right reasons and somewhere down the line things just went off track.

And maybe that was the case in my guy's rel I'll never really know the truth..

 

LOL! Yea, I have to agree w/ that but my H is different. He is honest and I want him to be honest. If we are going clothes shopping and I try something on that isn't so flattering I don't have to ask, he tells me it doesn't look good on me and why. He knows what looks good on me and what doesn't and he tells me. If I ask if I look fat in something I want to hear the truth. If he says I look fat in something I don't jump all over his a@@ and make him sleep w/ the dog, lol. He says more nice things about what I'm wearing than negative.

 

K, I see what you are saying now, about staying in the M but I don't think that was the real reason my H came back to me but I think you understand that.

 

I trusted H 100% not to ever cheat. However, he wasn't too confident that I wouldn't cheat. His fiancee cheated on him and he left her. He admitted to me that what she did to him made him loose trust. I told him I wasn't her, and he needs to stop thinking I would cheat on him. Another reason was b/c he thought I was too good for him and I could get any man I wanted. I tried my hardest to convince him he was the only man I wanted. Even when he was dating the OW I didn't want to see anyone else. I could of had my choice of SG to choose from but I wasn't going to stoop to his level. I was going to wait until the D was final, my heart was mended, b4 I even started dating. I just felt it was what was right for me.

 

Things went off track when I finally put my foot down and told him he either quit drinking or the kids and I were gone. Sometimes I think that he realized I wasn't going to put up w/ it anymore and he couldn't control me. I told H b4 I even considered taking him back he had to realize I was no longer going to be his doormat. Ten years of that **** was enough. My self-esteem was so low and I suffered from depression. I found myself again during our separation and knew that I deserved better. If he couldn't treat me the way I should be treated not to bother coming back. I wasn't worried about finding another man, but I didn't want another man, I wanted the man I fell in love w/ and M.

[OpenBook]

I can see that it makes you very comfortable to believe that the MM lies to the wife when he goes back to her. It's kinda sad, though how much you twist reality to make life feel better for yourself.

 

And so the W takes a proven cheater and liar back, and trains herself to believe everything he says from here on out. Now who's twisting reality??

 

What really pisses me off here, is that if it weren't for the MM and his behavior, WE ALL WOULDN'T BE HERE name-calling and trying to one-up each other.

 

I don't understand how BS's take them back after all that deception. But it seems to me that a lot of BS's get a thrill out of watching the life die out of their H's. "Ha, I won."

 

Ugh. It just makes me SO glad I'm not married.

[mopar crazy]

He lied to her to have the affair didn't he? Is it THAT far fetched to think he will keep lying to her to win her back?

 

I would bet my house on it, confidently that he does.

 

 

I'm 34. Does that matter?

 

K, who are you talking about here? Who's H? Sorry, I'm confused. My kids are running around playing w/ the dog and I can't concentrate on what I'm reading.

[mopar crazy]

And so the W takes a proven cheater and liar back, and trains herself to believe everything he says from here on out. Now who's twisting reality??

 

What really pisses me off here, is that if it weren't for the MM and his behavior, WE ALL WOULDN'T BE HERE name-calling and trying to one-up each other.

 

I don't understand how BS's take them back after all that deception. But it seems to me that a lot of BS's get a thrill out of watching the life die out of their H's. "Ha, I won."

 

If I was such a bitch of a W he wouldn't of came back now would he? He was clearly out of the M. We were going on w/ our lives. He was going on w/ her, and I was going on w/o him. Yea, it hurt like hell but right when I convinced myself the M was over I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and got out of the funk I was in. I was having fun actually. Don't get me wrong, I still loved my H but I was at the point where I knew the M was over and I couldn't keep dwelling on it being done and he was w/ someone new.

Ya don't understand? Well, you shouldn't. You have never walked in an BS shoes now have you?

 

Ugh. It just makes me SO glad I'm not married.

If I was such a bitch of a W he wouldn't of came back now would he? He was clearly out of the M. We were going on w/ our lives. He was going on w/ her, and I was going on w/o him. Yea, it hurt like hell but right when I convinced myself the M was over I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and got out of the funk I was in. I was having fun actually. Don't get me wrong, I still loved my H but I was at the point where I knew the M was over and I couldn't keep dwelling on it being done and he was w/ someone new.

 

 

Ya don't understand? Well, you shouldn't. You have never walked in an BS shoes now have you? And the let me say this again, the OW pursued MY H, not the other way around.

 

I'm also sick of hearing OW boo hooing b/c their MM dumped them to get back at the W or going to another OW. If you knew he was a MM then it was YOUR choice to have an A w/ him.

 

When I was single I met this gorgeous guy at the bar. We ended up spending some time together. He never mentioned being M and I didn't see a ring. He ended up kissing me and I melted. I wanted to go out w/ this guy so bad. My friends and I were having a big party at our place so I invited him up there. I was in the other room when a friend of mine came to get me. She said the guy I was talking about (she wasn't w/ us) showed up. She told me he was M! She knew him, he was from her hometown.

 

My heart sunk, then I got pissed! I went to the door and yelled at him about being M and to get the f@ck out of my place. He looked so disappointed and hurt but tough ****. I was disappointed he was M but I was NOT going to go there w/ a MM. And I was even drunk and turned him down.

Women do have choices about having an A w/ a MM, stop saying you just couldn't help it, he treated you so great, blah, blah, blah. Who cares, he is still a MM!

[Tomcat33]

And so the W takes a proven cheater and liar back, and trains herself to believe everything he says from here on out. Now who's twisting reality??

 

What really pisses me off here, is that if it weren't for the MM and his behavior, WE ALL WOULDN'T BE HERE name-calling and trying to one-up each other.

 

I don't understand how BS's take them back after all that deception. But it seems to me that a lot of BS's get a thrill out of watching the life die out of their H's. "Ha, I won."

 

Ugh. It just makes me SO glad I'm not married.

 

 

I totally agree!! I too feel that what ends up happening is a whole lot of cat fighting when the real problem is the cheater..but whatever I sound like a broken record...

 

 

I think moreso than someone who can sleep with another's H or someone who can take back a known cheater the bigger deal is the person who can so candidly lie to two women at the same time, betray the trust and the safety of a a family and purposely toy with the emotions of another human being all for his own benefit. All for a moment of reckelss derailment that more often than not is just a an escape to accept the fact that 'till death do us part really does mean until the last day I live on earth with this other person....

I think for men it's a hard pill to swallow in time the idea that there will not be another woman ever again.

We should be bashing men not women (that was a TOTAL joke ok!! sorry guys it was a joke..LOL)

We should not be bashing anyone actually

 

The last comment was for Siltricks, Mopar that's why it prob made no sense it was in response to her post to me.

 

And I agree I much prefer a straight up answer over "yeah that looks fine" ;-)

 

I wasn't worried about finding another man, but I didn't want another man, I wanted the man I fell in love w/ and M.

 

I hear you!!

[jj2007]

Saying that one should just leave the marriage instead of cheating is overly simplistic.

 

Although I agree that ending the marriage may be more noble and up-front than cheating ... it's still easy for you to say, very difficult to do in real life.

 

I agree that leaving would be hard but people are responsible for their own actions and must suffer the consequences, whatever they may be.

[shellys-trying]

Well the problem is that you never use the word OW your choice in words is always "skank". Considering it is 6 years since the A and things are wonderful in your marriage you still carry and awful lot of resentment towards this woman. I don't see why you are still threatened by her? Or at least it appears that way in your agressive choice in words. And especially since it was just a three month romp on the hay....?

 

 

I welcome you to click on my back posts if you care to, for background on my story, quite frankly I don't feel like retyping the same old same old again.

 

As per my guilt or "lack there of", I think that is something I have worked on taking into account all the many other emotions this past relationship has evoked in me. But my growth or lack there of is personal. Telling you what I have learned form this experience is not going to help my progress, putting my new found knowledge into practice, is.

 

Now if you were an OW looking for advice, then I can offer as much as you are willing to take in. Otherwise I don't see the point.

 

 

I will always refer to the xOW as skank. It's a pet name I like to call her.

 

I can happily be with my H, as I am doing, and still dislike the trash who stepped into our M. Sorry you can't understand that. I can live with that.

 

Am I threatened by her? Naw! I stopped being threatened by her the day I saw her and talked to her face to face. I wasn't worried about H going back to her after dday. Why? He was done. He'd had his "romp in the hay" and that was that. You can tell when he looked at her he'd moved on. Poor girl. She was doomed from the moment she gave it up.

I could almost feel sorry for her, but she was a gold digger, and wanted an easy ride(pun intended) and it blew up in her face. All that hard work for nothing.

 

He's had to work hard over the yrs but, hey, that's what a WS has to do who's serious about his/her M.

 

Where reading up on your story is concerned, I don't really have the energy reading another sad story of how the R didn't work out between the MM and the OW. However it worked out is between you and him. I'll take your word for it.

 

Your guilt or lack there of, again, is something I really don't care about. The only remorse I care about is that of my H. You didn't cheat with my H, you did it with someone else's H. That's between you and her, should the twain ever meet. (did I put that in the right context? lol)

 

I'm not an xOW, but I can give one advice too. Leave other women's H's alone. It's easier on you, the OW, in the long run. Unless your lucky enough to win him.

[shellys-trying]

Actually no. The OW chose to believe that she wasn't being lied to during the A, knowing she was canoodling with a liar. The BS NEVER chose to believe the lies. We had no choice about those lies.

 

What we chose was to believe and forgive our repentent husbands - or in some cases not to believe them and not to forgive. Everyone of us who chose to forgive, however, put an unimaginable amount of effort and energy into assuring ourselves that there were NO MORE LIES going on.

 

The fact that you want FBS to be in pain about having forgiven our husbands, and want to bring doubt back into our lives shows more about your character than even the cheating with a MM did.

 

Bless you, Silk. You sure know how to tell it like it is. You go, girl!

[shellys-trying]

You observe your husband's suffering - the "big lug" you profess to love - you see the pain in his eyes, you hear it in his voice. And your reaction? You gloat, "I'm better off than he is."

 

To me, that's ugly.

 

Naw, that's your opinion, and we're all entitled to them. Walk on.

[shellys-trying]

And this.....

 

 

Lastly I'll repeat it one more time, if he was capable of tremendous lies to temporarily get away from his W he is DEF capable of more lies to get back with her. That's how liars operate

 

is definitely pent up OW energy. Breathe, TC. Breathe. Get thru it.

[shellys-trying]

I didn't know he was married for a LONG time...we lived a ways apart so I didn't know her...But I met his coworkers and everything...I was not a secret...and after I did know, I think that's really HIS problem if someone runs out and tells her...

 

Give yourself a big pat on the back for being such a good secret keeper.

[NoIDidn't]

And so the W takes a proven cheater and liar back, and trains herself to believe everything he says from here on out. Now who's twisting reality??

 

What really pisses me off here, is that if it weren't for the MM and his behavior, WE ALL WOULDN'T BE HERE name-calling and trying to one-up each other.

 

I don't understand how BS's take them back after all that deception. But it seems to me that a lot of BS's get a thrill out of watching the life die out of their H's. "Ha, I won."

 

Ugh. It just makes me SO glad I'm not married.

 

Sorry to dissect your post, but this is a bunch of bunk and its obvious it came from one that's not married and thus no idea of what a married person thinks (in most cases anyway).

 

A W doesn't train herself to believe her lying H. But from what I have read on this and other forums, the OW does and is trained by the MM on what to believe about his M.

 

And you completely don't own your own part in what YOU did. It wasn't just the MM behavior that got you into the A. It was agreement on your part to participate in it.

 

You really should take a long inventory of the things YOU did too.

[shellys-trying]

Maybe you should read my above reply...

 

And why am I the one who should care so much about her being hurt? You think she'd care that he lied to me about his marital status? Don't think so...

 

I'm sorry all the boo-hooing about the BS on here gets old after awhile...take responsibility for your part in the downfall and rebuild...marriage isn't an entitlement, it's a work in progress...perhaps if marriage was considered an extension of dating, it would last longer and stronger...

 

 

I was a good wife. Sorry but it doesn't apply to me, dear. That statement wasn't directed at you anyway. Don't know ya.