Are you better looking than MM's wife?

[shellys-trying]

He lied to her to have the affair didn't he? Is it THAT far fetched to think he will keep lying to her to win her back?

 

I would bet my house on it, confidently that he does.

 

 

I'm 34. Does that matter?

 

Are you perchance trying to make a wrong done to you feel better by seeing the BWs on this thread out like the BW in your case?

you have alot of spite filled jabs yourself, like trying to get any/all BWs here to doubt their H's feelings.

Maybe you should look within and see why you're doing it. I feel sorry for you if that is the case. you're as bad off by yourself as you seem to think we are by taking back our FWSs.

[shellys-trying]

And so the W takes a proven cheater and liar back, and trains herself to believe everything he says from here on out. Now who's twisting reality??

 

What really pisses me off here, is that if it weren't for the MM and his behavior, WE ALL WOULDN'T BE HERE name-calling and trying to one-up each other.

 

I don't understand how BS's take them back after all that deception. But it seems to me that a lot of BS's get a thrill out of watching the life die out of their H's. "Ha, I won."

 

Ugh. It just makes me SO glad I'm not married.

 

If you are a former OW, then you could have saved yourself alot of trouble by not going out with a MM. That would have taken you out of the picture right there. You made a choice yourself. You, the OW are half of the cheating prob. Own that atleast. If OWs didn't accept these cheating MMs then there'd be no cheating going on. Period.

[shellys-trying]

Sorry to dissect your post, but this is a bunch of bunk and its obvious it came from one that's not married and thus no idea of what a married person thinks (in most cases anyway).

 

A W doesn't train herself to believe her lying H. But from what I have read on this and other forums, the OW does and is trained by the MM on what to believe about his M.

 

And you completely don't own your own part in what YOU did. It wasn't just the MM behavior that got you into the A. It was agreement on your part to participate in it.

 

You really should take a long inventory of the things YOU did too.

 

This I can believe about the OW. She hears from the MM, if he so chooses, of what his home life is about and she chooses to believe it. And don't let any OW try and tell you she isn't curious about the competition. She is.

[sadbuttrue]

i think OW are naturally curious about the W. why would that surprise anyone.

[Lizzie60]

i think OW are naturally curious about the W. why would that surprise anyone.

 

I would think it's the other way around...

[sadbuttrue]

I would think it's the other way around...

 

yes, but lizzie, how often does the W know about the OW? not as often as the OW is aware there is a W i am sure.

 

i am sure once the W finds out, she wants to know about the OW, but the OW has so much more time to consider and think about the W and what she is like. sometimes even purposefully find things out about her, go to where she works just to get a good look at her.

[Tomcat33]

I

 

I'm not an xOW, but I can give one advice too. Leave other women's H's alone. It's easier on you, the OW, in the long run. Unless your lucky enough to win him.

 

 

I appreciate your attempt at giving me unsolicited advice. You know something I always had my doubts about him, about whether I was actually "winning" by ending up with him even when I wanted to be with him I struggled with the thought. The best thing he could have done was ask for time to himself because it gave me a chance to step back and see things more clearly. It's a shame for him that when he finally realised he wasn't getting over me so easily, I had woken up and was ready to move on. But obviously a blessing for me.

 

I do miss him, I will kid you not, but I also recognize that I miss what I THOUGHT he was, what I now realise is that I created him in my head. The real him is a selfish pathological liar, he's a "street market haggler" if you will, who will sell you a cement wall. At one point I thought I actually needed a cement wall that's how wrapped up I was in his words.

 

But he has no shame, and most importantly no dignity. Why do I say this? He still lies to his W, he checks up on me weekly, he still has his profile up on popular a site I have my profile on and is online quite often. If that's repenting and working on a marriage, she must not demand much from him at all and clearly he was better off with her. I am far more demanding than, it would have NEVER worked out between us.

 

I took him out for a test run and something from above helped me to open my eyes in time to see him for what he is. Now he has all the aftermath of his actions to deal with, he has to look in the mirror every day and look his W in the eyes and has to flush out all of our memories together (which NEVER go away no matter how much he tries to burry them) he has to supress all of this to reach some sort of normalcy in his marriage, and he and his W have to work extra hard on all of HIS mistakes because their foundation is shakier than ever thatnks to HIS deceit. All that pain and suffering is not going away any time soon for either one of them. I had my pain and suffering and now I get to start with a fresh page, and having become stronger for what I have learned.

 

If you ask me, I am certain I was the lucky winner in all of this.

I guess it boils down in how you want to look at it.

[shellys-trying]

I would think it's the other way around...

 

Oh, yeah, sure the W is, after the A is over. I was curious. then I saw and talked to her. Curiousity over. Same old same old gold digger type.

[Ripples]

I would think it's the other way around...

 

I think the Wife is more interested in the details of the affair, rather than what the OW looks like. There may be some desire to know if the OW is better looking when wanting to find the reason for the affair, but it seems that it's pretty irrelevant, overall. Afterall, the man, in the vast majority of cases, goes back to his wife no matter how the OW's looks are judged.

 

So, silly question, really.

[shellys-trying]

I appreciate your attempt at giving me unsolicited advice. You know something I always had my doubts about him, about whether I was actually "winning" by ending up with him even when I wanted to be with him I struggled with the thought. The best thing he could have done was ask for time to himself because it gave me a chance to step back and see things more clearly. It's a shame for him that when he finally realised he wasn't getting over me so easily, I had woken up and was ready to move on. But obviously a blessing for me.

 

I do miss him, I will kid you not, but I also recognize that I miss what I THOUGHT he was, what I now realise is that I created him in my head. The real him is a selfish pathological liar, he's a "street market haggler" if you will, who will sell you a cement wall. At one point I thought I actually needed a cement wall that's how wrapped up I was in his words.

 

But he has no shame, and most importantly no dignity. Why do I say this? He still lies to his W, he checks up on me weekly, he still has his profile up on popular a site I have my profile on and is online quite often. If that's repenting and working on a marriage, she must not demand much from him at all and clearly he was better off with her. I am far more demanding than, it would have NEVER worked out between us.

 

I took him out for a test run and something from above helped me to open my eyes in time to see him for what he is. Now he has all the aftermath of his actions to deal with, he has to look in the mirror every day and look his W in the eyes and has to flush out all of our memories together (which NEVER go away no matter how much he tries to burry them) he has to supress all of this to reach some sort of normalcy in his marriage, and he and his W have to work extra hard on all of HIS mistakes because their foundation is shakier than ever thatnks to HIS deceit. All that pain and suffering is not going away any time soon for either one of them. I had my pain and suffering and now I get to start with a fresh page, and having become stronger for what I have learned.

 

If you ask me, I am certain I was the lucky winner in all of this.

I guess it boils down in how you want to look at it.

 

You sound like you learned a lesson from cheating with a MM, so no that advice wasn't aimed at you.

 

So, your opinion of your xMM is aimed at assuming my H is still a liar just because yours still is?

That's assuming alot. Not all MMs are the same. Mine is an exception I'm happy to say.

Speaking of which, he's home from work and I need to spend some "hubby time" with him.

Talk at y'all later! have a good one!

[silktricks]

He lied to her to have the affair didn't he? Is it THAT far fetched to think he will keep lying to her to win her back?

 

I would bet my house on it, confidently that he does.

 

 

I'm 34. Does that matter?

I'm typing on a BB so please excuse errors.

 

I think you become confused betweehn your situation and others. That was why I asked your she . And, yes, unfortunately that does matter.

 

Your mm may well have lied to his wife in order to return to the safety of his marriage. He also may not have. What you and other ow often have difficulty understanding is that the bw are not the doormats that you think.

 

I see inyour conversations with MC that you are no longer thinking of her as a doormat, but you still seem to be most comfortable in the asimption that the mm is first last and always a liar and the bw is first last and always the gullible believer of those lies.

 

You seem to find the most comfort inthose beliefs, but the women I have known who have forgiven their ws are neither weak nor are they gullible. (and for the sake of the other poster whose name escapes me at the moment, neither are we in it to emasculate our husbands).

 

It takes incredible stength to forgive. It takes knowledge and acceptance of human frailty. It takes a depth of love that many people never experience, and it takes relearning and regaining the ability to trust after it arms that ability has been forever burned from your bones.

 

To hear, someone like you then flipantly implying - no stating - that BS as a whole are stupid, weakwilled trusting fools is beyond irritating.

 

BS believed the lies before d-day. There probably isn't one in a thousand who didn't double triple quadruple quintupe tv check every word out of our ws mouths on the way to recovery.

 

So I say again, ther fact that you want BS in general, not even you specific mm's wife, but all BS to doubt their spouses after what we went through speaks volumes of your true character.

[shellys-trying]

I think the Wife is more interested in the details of the affair, rather than what the OW looks like. There may be some desire to know if the OW is better looking when wanting to find the reason for the affair, but it seems that it's pretty irrelevant, overall. Afterall, the man, in the vast majority of cases, goes back to his wife no matter how the OW's looks are judged.

 

So, silly question, really.

 

The xOW in H's case wasn't attractive or very nice, so H saw thru that when she started taking digs at me, the few she did. I don't think he liked her doing that to the W.

[Ripples]

BS believed the lies before d-day. There probably isn't one in a thousand who didn't double triple quadruple quintupe tv check every word out of our ws mouths on the way to recovery.

 

So I say again, ther fact that you want BS in general, not even you specific mm's wife, but all BS to doubt their spouses after what we went through speaks volumes of your true character.

 

Oh how true!

 

Gosh, just realised how much he tried to reassure me...

 

The xOW in H's case wasn't attractive or very nice, so H saw thru that when she started taking digs at me, the few she did. I don't think he liked her doing that to the W.

 

No, my ex didn't like them fishing for information about me either. Partly, I suspect, because it reminded him of me... He was pretty forthcoming about information about them, though. I know their names, addresses, where they work...

[shellys-trying]

I'm typing on a BB so please excuse errors.

 

I think you become confused betweehn your situation and others. That was why I asked your she . And, yes, unfortunately that does matter.

 

Your mm may well have lied to his wife in order to return to the safety of his marriage. He also may not have. What you and other ow often have difficulty understanding is that the bw are not the doormats that you think.

 

I see inyour conversations with MC that you are no longer thinking of her as a doormat, but you still seem to be most comfortable in the asimption that the mm is first last and always a liar and the bw is first last and always the gullible believer of those lies.

 

You seem to find the most comfort inthose beliefs, but the women I have known who have forgiven their ws are neither weak nor are they gullible. (and for the sake of the other poster whose name escapes me at the moment, neither are we in it to emasculate our husbands).

 

It takes incredible stength to forgive. It takes knowledge and acceptance of human frailty. It takes a depth of love that many people never experience, and it takes relearning and regaining the ability to trust after it arms that ability has been forever burned from your bones.

 

To hear, someone like you then flipantly implying - no stating - that BS as a whole are stupid, weakwilled trusting fools is beyond irritating.

 

BS believed the lies before d-day. There probably isn't one in a thousand who didn't double triple quadruple quintupe tv check every word out of our ws mouths on the way to recovery.

 

So I say again, ther fact that you want BS in general, not even you specific mm's wife, but all BS to doubt their spouses after what we went through speaks volumes of your true character.

 

 

WHAT SHE SAID!

[Tomcat33]

Are you perchance trying to make a wrong done to you feel better by seeing the BWs on this thread out like the BW in your case?

you have alot of spite filled jabs yourself, like trying to get any/all BWs here to doubt their H's feelings.

Maybe you should look within and see why you're doing it. I feel sorry for you if that is the case. you're as bad off by yourself as you seem to think we are by taking back our FWSs.

 

 

I have no idea what you are saying here but I could make out the "spiteful jabs" part....

 

Can you say with a straight face that it is far fetched to think that a cheater won't keep lying to his W? LOL WOW!!

 

 

If you really think that way perhaps that's why a H cheats on some women and not others, some women are just willing to put up with more and a guy knows this and feels he can get away with it, so he will try..

[NoIDidn't]

i am sure once the W finds out, she wants to know about the OW, but the OW has so much more time to consider and think about the W and what she is like. sometimes even purposefully find things out about her, go to where she works just to get a good look at her.

 

Or because the dumba** MM gave the OW his W's webpage address, myspace address, and a pass to look at all his family photos.

 

Yes, I agree the OW has much more time to go check out the W and then set out to prove that she is different or better while the W is none the wiser.

[shellys-trying]

Oh how true!

 

Gosh, just realised how much he tried to reassure me...

 

 

 

No, my ex didn't like them fishing for information about me either. Partly, I suspect, because it reminded him of me... He was pretty forthcoming about information about them, though. I know their names, addresses, where they work...

 

The xOW made the mistake of having someone call me and tell me all of her info. lol She thought I'd skip on over and catch'em in the act. Lol. It was done over, 3 weeks over by then, for H.0

H gave up any and all info on her on dday. Sold her out bigtime. He was very accomodating, especially since it was over for him, where the A was concerned.

[shellys-trying]

I have no idea what you are saying here but I could make out the "spiteful jabs" part....

 

Can you say with a straight face that it is far fetched to think that a cheater won't keep lying to his W? LOL WOW!!

 

 

If you really think that way perhaps that's why a H cheats on some women and not others, some women are just willing to put up with more and a guy knows this and feels he can get away with it, so he will try..

 

I can say with an honest heart MINE isn't lying anymore.

But, then you don't know me or my H, so it's ok your disbelief.

 

I feel for ya.

[NoIDidn't]

If you really think that way perhaps that's why a H cheats on some women and not others, some women are just willing to put up with more and a guy knows this and feels he can get away with it, so he will try..

 

I am not sure of where you are going with this because a guy that's going to cheat isn't going to check for what kind of woman he already has - he is checking around for one that is willing to cheat with him (as most women turn cheaters down cold).

 

But the above quote is what most people think of those that participate in the cheating: guys look for gullible women to cheat with. They look for the one they know will let them treat them inconsiderately providing they come up with a good enough excuse. And, to me, you have got to be somewhat gullible to let your boyfriend not call you as to not arouse the suspicions of his W. (I know that wasn't your case, TC).

 

I just can't wrap my mind around not calling a man that I am intimately involved with because his W and family might find out.

[shellys-trying]

btw, TC. you need to lighten up in your life. there are some guys out there who'll treat you right. If you so choose, you can trust again.

 

If I can do it. I know you can.

Good luck to you.

[shellys-trying]

I am not sure of where you are going with this because a guy that's going to cheat isn't going to check for what kind of woman he already has - he is checking around for one that is willing to cheat with him (as most women turn cheaters down cold).

 

But the above quote is what most people think of those that participate in the cheating: guys look for gullible women to cheat with. They look for the one they know will let them treat them inconsiderately providing they come up with a good enough excuse. And, to me, you have got to be somewhat gullible to let your boyfriend not call you as to not arouse the suspicions of his W. (I know that wasn't your case, TC).

 

I just can't wrap my mind around not calling a man that I am intimately involved with because his W and family might find out.

 

You are gonna get ripped for that one. lol

I'm with ya, tho'. Boggles my mind. I like being able to get in touch with my H whenever I feel like it. I like his coming home to me and the kids. Having family vacays, bbqs, friend's over, quiet sit down moments, surprise luch at work, etc. etc...

[NoIDidn't]

You are gonna get ripped for that one. lol

I'm with ya, tho'. Boggles my mind. I like being able to get in touch with my H whenever I feel like it. I like his coming home to me and the kids. Having family vacays, bbqs, friend's over, quiet sit down moments, surprise luch at work, etc. etc...

 

The board is pretty used to me by now. I hope. LOL.

 

But its the truth.

 

Another thing about A's that I can't do is the lack of real down time. You know, like you said the "quiet, sit down moments". Just hanging out in jammies. Leaving the mess for another day, just to be with my boo.

 

The MM goes to see the OW and he expects a well put together woman. Shaved legs, mustaches and beards (hey, some of us DO have hormonal issues LOL). A clean house, no kiddies running around. His favorite beer and smokes, if he does.

 

Its all about this guy. A guy like that wouldn't last in a conversation with me long enough to get my phone number if that's the way he comes across.

[Tomcat33]

I am not sure of where you are going with this because a guy that's going to cheat isn't going to check for what kind of woman he already has - he is checking around for one that is willing to cheat with him (as most women turn cheaters down cold).

 

But the above quote is what most people think of those that participate in the cheating: guys look for gullible women to cheat with. They look for the one they know will let them treat them inconsiderately providing they come up with a good enough excuse. And, to me, you have got to be somewhat gullible to let your boyfriend not call you as to not arouse the suspicions of his W. (I know that wasn't your case, TC).

 

I just can't wrap my mind around not calling a man that I am intimately involved with because his W and family might find out.

 

 

Where I am going with it is, that if you take back a known liar you would be more than naive/gullible to think he will never lie to you again. He has already proven he can be extremely deceitful he has lead a COMPLETE other life behind your back right under your very own nose. What makes you think he is not capable of lying to you again? That's what I am saying.

 

It's not ME saying this it's common sense.

 

I agree some people settle for less or sacrafice more in order to have a man by their side, that was not my case so I can't speak for that. But on the same token some people make sacrifices for what they believe is a good investment of their time/energy vs the quantity of what they get in return. We all take risks for love, it's the nature of the beast. As and OW you are taking bigger risks I agree. And maybe some people would prefer a short period of intense ecstacy or passion over a lifetime of mundane mediocracy and normalcy. I don't know....

[NoIDidn't]

Where I am going with it is, that if you take back a known liar you would be more than naive/gullible to think he will never lie to you again. He has already proven he can be extremely deceitful he has lead a COMPLETE other life behind your back right under your very own nose. What makes you think he is not capable of lying to you again? That's what I am saying.

 

It's not ME saying this it's common sense.

 

 

And yet you make the assumption that the BS doesn't have any common sense. Do you get the irony?

 

This is why you are wrong. But I have had this conversation with you before.

 

We know the man is capable of lying. Forgiveness involves acknowledging all that's been done and deciding to work past it. Not forgetting. Forgiveness is never forgetting. Its more like accepting. Everyone lies, TC. Even you and me.

 

I am sure that you have had more guys than just your MM lie to you. So you are assigning all MM as liars all the time. Classic, once a cheater, always a cheater - but mainly because he's not with you any longer. Not a dig, just an observation. I bet things would be coming from you completely differently had he left his M for good and stayed with you.

 

Then you'd be all "people change", "he just found someone more compatible with him", "you're just bitter because he chose me".

 

Its easy to make the assumptions that you are making when you are on the outside not even close enough to look in. Being forgiving doesn't mean that you are gullible.

[Ripples]

Um, am I missing something here? Every MM lies to his Wife and the OW, yeah? So if he leaves his Wife for the OW, then, by TC's argument, how can the OW ever trust him? Especially as their relationship is based on lies and has never had the structure, the honesty and the trust that the marriage had, at least at the beginning.

 

At least the Wife knows he can be trustworthy with her.