Are you better looking than MM's wife?

[NoIDidn't]

Well, wasn't THAT interesting.

 

Thanks TC for sharing this. But I don't understand why you continue to put this on his W. You didn't even talk to her. You still have only spoken to him. And he only said that she wouldn't believe you to discourage you from telling her the truth about his actions yet again.

 

He put ALL the blame on you. Told you what he did when you weren't aroudn was none of your business. His only concern is himself as evident in everything that he said. He was only concerned about how much work he had to do to get back into his W's good graces after the damage "you" did. LOL! That was hilarious.

 

Walk away, girl. There is nothing to see here. I hope in time you come to see his W as a victim of his deceit and not a fool as you see yourself.

[Tomcat33]

Well, wasn't THAT interesting.

 

Thanks TC for sharing this. But I don't understand why you continue to put this on his W. You didn't even talk to her. You still have only spoken to him. And he only said that she wouldn't believe you to discourage you from telling her the truth about his actions yet again.

 

He put ALL the blame on you. Told you what he did when you weren't aroudn was none of your business. His only concern is himself as evident in everything that he said. He was only concerned about how much work he had to do to get back into his W's good graces after the damage "you" did. LOL! That was hilarious.

 

Walk away, girl. There is nothing to see here. I hope in time you come to see his W as a victim of his deceit and not a fool as you see yourself.

 

NO no I don't put this on all BSs. All I'm saying in this particular case is this...

 

1 red flag: she knew he was with another woman and betrayed her while he was seperated from her, now I think he must have told her we has "just taking time to clear his head" basically the same crap he fed me when our rel came to a hault and he ran back to his W. Within a short period of our breakup he had moved back in with her considering he was till trying to contact me to see if we could get back together I blew him off after he said he needed time to himself. He keeps contacting me the whole time he is back at their house finally calls me from his apartment making it seem he is still living on his own and I see him. I find out he has been lying to me about being on his own to clear his head.

 

2 red flag I call his W put a stop to everything. She tells me "what do you want from me" I tell her just want you to know that he is a liar, she says has he been in contact with you all this time? I say yes all the time she says REALLY he swore was not in contact with you at ALL. I say not true if you give me your email I will forward all his msgs. I would just not return his msgs. When the call ends she says "well at least you will be out of the picture now" I say yeah I want NOTHING more to do with him.

 

Now the guy has taken out three (count em 3) fake profiles on different occasions to try keep contact withme on this internet site I am on, I know it;s him and I the last two I completely ingnore after having confronted him about the first one he tried to pull off, He knows he can't email me anymmore because I will call his W (so he thinks) he calls me up last night and we talk and doesn't get what he wants out of the conversation tells me not to bother telling his W because she doesn't believe me.

 

The facts I have to go on about his W are:

 

she was betrayed not 1 but twice he is still living with her. He calls me up a third time and has been online every other day checking up on me trying to pull off fake profiles for the last month since I called his W. WHERE IS HIS W at all this? how could he be still able to have all this time to pull this crap off? they are supposedly trying to work on salvaging the marriage?!?!? Why does he have so much time to be online creating fake profiles and calling me at 11pm at night from her HOUSE?

 

Sorry but that is some messed up sh@#T. That marriage is just messed up and so is he and I can't say about her but it's all messed up.

 

He was only concerned about how much work he had to do to get back into his W's good graces after the damage "you" did. LOL! That was hilarious

 

yeah it is hilarious but you would be surprised how many people buy into that statement blaming the OW for what the cheater did, the BS AND the cheater manages to convince her that he was helpless under the OW's evil spell. PUUUUUHHHLEEEEESE! And so the two people meet half way to make the marriage work pawning off the whole mess on the OW because afterall a recovering cheater would never lie!!! LOL and the OW is always just a "tramP"

It IS hilarious!

[NoIDidn't]

TC

 

You keep making my point, but I am seeing that you don't get it.

 

Why do you have any anger at her at all when she is just as much his victim as you are? She said "well, at least you will be out of the picture now". Don't you get it? He keeps you in the picture, not her. She hasn't bothered you, he has. She isn't concerned with you, why are you concerned about what she is or isn't doing? For all the OW who claim that the W shouldn't be concerned with the OW in the aftermath, here you have one and YOU DON'T APPRECIATE IT. In these cases the W is da*mned if she does, da*mned if she doesn't.

 

But I digress.

[Tomcat33]

TC

 

You keep making my point, but I am seeing that you don't get it.

 

Why do you have any anger at her at all when she is just as much his victim as you are? She said "well, at least you will be out of the picture now". Don't you get it? He keeps you in the picture, not her. She hasn't bothered you, he has. She isn't concerned with you, why are you concerned about what she is or isn't doing? For all the OW who claim that the W shouldn't be concerned with the OW in the aftermath, here you have one and YOU DON'T APPRECIATE IT. In these cases the W is da*mned if she does, da*mned if she doesn't.

 

But I digress.

 

 

Because during our phone conversation she said to me:

 

 

"I'm sure, like most women in your situation, you feel like you had nothing to do with breaking up my marriage" ,to which I responed "I'm sorry I didn't" she said "well that doesnt surprise me one bit"

 

I resent that comment and I resent that comment EVERY single time I hear it here, and you know who usually makes those types of comments? The same women who have proof of lie after lie after lie that their husbands commits and who accept them back but need to justify their own choices by blamin an outside woman for the dynamic SHE herself has contributed to in her own relationship.

 

So you bet I resent her AND him for trying to blame me for their F'ed up mess. Look I'll say it here and I said to her too. "I never meant to cause the BS any harm, I got invoveld with her H because he assured me his marriage was over, he moved out and assured me that in time the D would happen that in the mean time we should work on OUR rel. because I was the love of his life. His family assured me that their marriage was over before it started. At one point I felt guilty about moving in on this woman's man when the rel. was ending. now that I see the dynamic between them, just how sick it is and just how many times he has deceived her and she still puts up with it and ON TOP of it tries to blame me for the destruction of their marriage I can't have any positive feelings for her. I understand she and I will never be best friends but face up to your actions already! I cut the guy loose when I found out what he was about and it KILLED me it absolutely killed me, yet I did it. All she does is blame me for their failed marriage....and it's what a lot of BS who take back the cheaters do and I can't help indentify with that situation personally.

 

The reason I point out that this woman is letting a lot of things slide is because given what I have seen already I am pretty certain it was that very same attitude that led her H down the path of escape. yet it's so much easier to blame the OW. they both took the easy route out and in the end it's suppose to be MY fault they are messed up? Pffffft

FORGET THAT! I will NEVER accept that. sorry!

 

And you know what else? "because I love him, because we have history togther...." is no excuse! I loved this man, I created a year's worth of very intense history with this man he told me he lived more with me emotionally than with his W the while time they were together. (whatever prob another lie) point being I am no trying to blame anyone else but myself for the mess I created by getting involved with this man. At the end of the day I was mislead but I chose to put my trust in him. It just irritates me when he or her want to blame ME for their current situation. I got out of the picture a long time ago. If their situation isn't working is because one or both protagonists of said situation are not pulling their weight and the other is too accomodating.

 

WELL DON'T BLAME ME because you can't do your s@#t right!

[TogetherForever]

Oh how easy it is for the wife to blame someone else for the marriage falling apart.

What a joke:lmao:.

[Tomcat33]

Oh how easy it is for the wife to blame someone else for the marriage falling apart.

What a joke:lmao:.

 

 

Exactly, that's the only thing I resent, when a BS blames the OW for their failed marriage....it's as easy as having a fling instead of confronting the spouse when things are rocky!

TOTAL joke!

 

Otherwise, aside from that I harbour no other form of resentement

towards a betrayed person, afterall they are the victims of complete lies!

 

Furthermore, when I said to her "I was a victim of his lies too" she said the typical "yeah but you knew that he was married you should not have gotten involved with him at all" and I said yes I take full responsibility for getting involved with him before it was appropriate, but he knew he was married too and last I checked he had no reason to tell me things were over with you if they weren't unless he just wanted to mislead me. And what I wanted to say and didn't was "I was not the one who promised to you infront of all your family and friends "I promise to love you and charish you for better or worse HE was"

 

What I also wanted to say was "well you knew you were married too when you allowed your rel to drift to such point that he prefered to confide in me rather than come and talk to you" Of course I didn't say that but it wasn't her fault he did that but she did neglect the situation, that's why he was always out and about on his own and always accessible while she was off on her 2-3month business trips...

Mehhh I can't really judge anymore because I have no clue what happened there but clearly their problems where there before he and I even met.

[Ripples]

TC, you have implied many, many times that you think a woman who takes back a man who has cheated on her is a fool.

 

Judging by you last post, I can see you'd be happy for any woman to be sleeping with/having a deep emotional connection with your man when you are going through a rough patch in your relationship with him. C'mon, the last thing you'd want is another woman sniffing around your husband if you were going through a less than wonderful time in your relationship with him.

 

No, the WS is to blame for looking elsewhere, but the OW, when she knows he's married is as much to blame for letting him.

 

Damn shame that too many women a. don't have the self-esteem to feel they deserve a man who is available 100% right from the word go, and b. get an ego boost having another woman's husband.

 

It's been said a million times in the past and it'll be said a million times in the future. But there's a certain type of woman who will never consider another woman's happiness important enough to refuse an ego boost. And that's all it is.

 

It's not the women that trust their FWS that are fools, its the one's that trust other women.

[Tomcat33]

.Damn shame that too many women a. don't have the self-esteem to feel they deserve a man who is available 100% right from the word go, and b. get an ego boost having another woman's husband.

 

 

And I'll say it once and a million times again, it's the same self-esteem that a BS doesn't have to close the door on a known liar and to blame the OW for her marital problems!

 

But of course when we speak of a BS who allows the liar back it's about forgiveness and personal growth and becoming a better person and hard work and improvement and "looooly-laaa-looo music in the pastures"!! Bue when a woman falls in love with the same man a BS is trying to keep, lies and all, it's about having lowselesteem!

 

I can assure you if there is something I have enough of is a heafty and healthy share of self-esteem balanced out with an also healthy share of insecurities as most folk have. but in that area I have 0 worries. What I do worry about is my better judgement, APPARENTLY it is NOT on all the time. That was a huge wakeup call!

I would be as bold to even say OW are overly confident in that somewhere deep inside they feel they are so good they can even make a man who is already spoken for risk loosing it all just to be with them! That takes a lot of guts and a lot of self confidence to pull off actually!

But it's all in how you want to look at it..

 

But whatever we won;'t get into a pis@#ng match over who can pee the furthest it is not about that. I think if anyone has the self esteem issues it's the cheater who needs the attention of TWO women to feel special again! But that's another show altogether..............

 

And as for my "implied comments" that is your inerpretation, until you can point out EXACTLY where I have said a "BS is a fool, and a cheater is always a cheater" that is your speculation. I am not accountable for your speculation, I am only accountable for my words. If you actually read what I said, in all my comments the only thing I have said was foolish (and not even in those words) was to think that a person who cheated will never lie again. That to me seems foolish. I never once said a cheater will always BE a cheater. I just don't believe that. I do however believe that it's easier for a person to change patterns with a new partner than it is to do so with a partner where the dynamic is already set into a pattern.

 

Let's face it if it were that simple to forgive and forget then we would not see any BS asking doubtful question 6,7, 20 years after the A was done! Sorry but the doubt that he will lie again stays with you for life you would be foolish to trust 100% after and A.

[smartgirl]

Exactly, that's the only thing I resent, when a BS blames the OW for their failed marriage....it's as easy as having a fling instead of confronting the spouse when things are rocky!

TOTAL joke!

 

Otherwise, aside from that I harbour no other form of resentement

towards a betrayed person, afterall they are the victims of complete lies!

 

Furthermore, when I said to her "I was a victim of his lies too" she said the typical "yeah but you knew that he was married you should not have gotten involved with him at all" and I said yes I take full responsibility for getting involved with him before it was appropriate, but he knew he was married too and last I checked he had no reason to tell me things were over with you if they weren't unless he just wanted to mislead me. And what I wanted to say and didn't was "I was not the one who promised to you infront of all your family and friends "I promise to love you and charish you for better or worse HE was"

 

What I also wanted to say was "well you knew you were married too when you allowed your rel to drift to such point that he prefered to confide in me rather than come and talk to you" Of course I didn't say that but it wasn't her fault he did that but she did neglect the situation, that's why he was always out and about on his own and always accessible while she was off on her 2-3month business trips...

Mehhh I can't really judge anymore because I have no clue what happened there but clearly their problems where there before he and I even met.

 

TC - I don't want to get into some of the BS/OW battles that were going on earlier in this thread (they were pretty ugly in spots), but I did want to make some general comments about your last post - respectfully.

 

On the issue of blame: I agree that the MM bears the chief responsibility for the A because he is the only one that really knows the true nature of both relationships and what he is saying to each person, eg, how much he is deceiving each woman.

 

On that score, I think you'd have to admit that whatever MM says about there being trouble in the marriage must be viewed with some scepticism. That is either his point of view or what he feels he needs to tell the OW to make her feel better about things, but it doesn't necessarily reflect reality.

 

In my case, there were some things about our relationship at the time (we've been together for 33 years, since we were kids) the A started that were bothering him. There were things that were bothering me too. Neither of us said anything to each other about it and we know now that wasn't the right thing to do. After he got involved with this woman at work, he began to exaggerate in his own mind the things that were bothering him as being sufficient to justify the A. Through therapy he has come to the realization that they were justifications and that a few simple conversations could have solved those "problems."

 

In any case, I think you would agree that the first step should be to try and work things out with your spouse, not go have an A. That solves nothing.

 

With regard to blame for the OW, I think that varies. There are OW who have posted on this site that take a predatory approach to MM - namely, if they can bag him then all's fair in love and war. They don't care if they harm a marriage that otherwise would have been just fine. They help to cause distance between the MM and his W that does leaves the marriage troubled in a way it wasn't before.

 

There are other OW that find themselves in an A through the deception of the MM, such as yourself, or who become emotionally involved with a MM and find it hard to disengage once it turns into an A. But in either case, once the OW is aware that the guy is married she has to know that continuing in the relationship can only hurt either her or the wife. There is no other outcome. So if she continues in the A with the hopes that MM will leave the W and stay with her, doesn't she deserve some blame?

 

Are you saying that the OW deserves no blame or just not the primary blame?

[smartgirl]

Exactly, that's the only thing I resent, when a BS blames the OW for their failed marriage....it's as easy as having a fling instead of confronting the spouse when things are rocky!

TOTAL joke!

 

Otherwise, aside from that I harbour no other form of resentement

towards a betrayed person, afterall they are the victims of complete lies!

 

Furthermore, when I said to her "I was a victim of his lies too" she said the typical "yeah but you knew that he was married you should not have gotten involved with him at all" and I said yes I take full responsibility for getting involved with him before it was appropriate, but he knew he was married too and last I checked he had no reason to tell me things were over with you if they weren't unless he just wanted to mislead me. And what I wanted to say and didn't was "I was not the one who promised to you infront of all your family and friends "I promise to love you and charish you for better or worse HE was"

 

What I also wanted to say was "well you knew you were married too when you allowed your rel to drift to such point that he prefered to confide in me rather than come and talk to you" Of course I didn't say that but it wasn't her fault he did that but she did neglect the situation, that's why he was always out and about on his own and always accessible while she was off on her 2-3month business trips...

Mehhh I can't really judge anymore because I have no clue what happened there but clearly their problems where there before he and I even met.

 

TC - I don't want to get into some of the BS/OW battles that were going on earlier in this thread (they were pretty ugly in spots), but I did want to make some general comments about your last post - respectfully.

 

On the issue of blame: I agree that the MM bears the chief responsibility for the A because he is the only one that really knows the true nature of both relationships and what he is saying to each person, eg, how much he is deceiving each woman.

 

On that score, I think you'd have to admit that whatever MM says about there being trouble in the marriage must be viewed with some scepticism. That is either his point of view or what he feels he needs to tell the OW to make her feel better about things, but it doesn't necessarily reflect reality.

 

In my case, there were some things about our relationship at the time (we've been together for 33 years, since we were kids) the A started that were bothering him. There were things that were bothering me too. Neither of us said anything to each other about it and we know now that wasn't the right thing to do. After he got involved with this woman at work, he began to exaggerate in his own mind the things that were bothering him as being sufficient to justify the A. Through therapy he has come to the realization that they were justifications and that a few simple conversations could have solved those "problems."

 

In any case, I think you would agree that the first step should be to try and work things out with your spouse, not go have an A. That solves nothing.

 

With regard to blame for the OW, I think that varies. There are OW who have posted on this site that take a predatory approach to MM - namely, if they can bag him then all's fair in love and war. They don't care if they harm a marriage that otherwise would have been just fine. They help to cause distance between the MM and his W that does leaves the marriage troubled in a way it wasn't before.

 

There are other OW that find themselves in an A through the deception of the MM, such as yourself, or who become emotionally involved with a MM and find it hard to disengage once it turns into an A. But in either case, once the OW is aware that the guy is married she has to know that continuing in the relationship can only hurt either her or the wife. There is no other outcome. So if she continues in the A with the hopes that MM will leave the W and stay with her, doesn't she deserve some blame?

 

Are you saying that the OW deserves no blame or just not the primary blame?

[smartgirl]

there is a lightening storm going on and it caused the computer to spaz.

[Tomcat33]

TC - I don't want to get into some of the BS/OW battles that were going on earlier in this thread (they were pretty ugly in spots), but I did want to make some general comments about your last post - respectfully.

 

On the issue of blame: I agree that the MM bears the chief responsibility for the A because he is the only one that really knows the true nature of both relationships and what he is saying to each person, eg, how much he is deceiving each woman.

 

On that score, I think you'd have to admit that whatever MM says about there being trouble in the marriage must be viewed with some scepticism. That is either his point of view or what he feels he needs to tell the OW to make her feel better about things, but it doesn't necessarily reflect reality.

 

In my case, there were some things about our relationship at the time (we've been together for 33 years, since we were kids) the A started that were bothering him. There were things that were bothering me too. Neither of us said anything to each other about it and we know now that wasn't the right thing to do. After he got involved with this woman at work, he began to exaggerate in his own mind the things that were bothering him as being sufficient to justify the A. Through therapy he has come to the realization that they were justifications and that a few simple conversations could have solved those "problems."

 

In any case, I think you would agree that the first step should be to try and work things out with your spouse, not go have an A. That solves nothing.

 

With regard to blame for the OW, I think that varies. There are OW who have posted on this site that take a predatory approach to MM - namely, if they can bag him then all's fair in love and war. They don't care if they harm a marriage that otherwise would have been just fine. They help to cause distance between the MM and his W that does leaves the marriage troubled in a way it wasn't before.

 

There are other OW that find themselves in an A through the deception of the MM, such as yourself, or who become emotionally involved with a MM and find it hard to disengage once it turns into an A. But in either case, once the OW is aware that the guy is married she has to know that continuing in the relationship can only hurt either her or the wife. There is no other outcome. So if she continues in the A with the hopes that MM will leave the W and stay with her, doesn't she deserve some blame?

 

Are you saying that the OW deserves no blame or just not the primary blame?

 

 

Smart girl I agree with your ENTIRE post, the ENTIRE thing!!

I would NEVER condone an A as and answer to marital problems NEVER.

While I was in my rel with exMM I had HUGE problems with what we were doing so that was my ongoing battle.

 

What I am saying is that I take full responsibility for all the pain I caused MYSELF in getting involved with someone who was not available, I even feel bad for the pain I caused HIS W for being with him while he refused to tell her he was already with me after he left her!! HOWEVER, I will NEVER EVER EVER take responsibility for breaking up their marriage.

 

HE and SHE did that and I think the blame for that is HIS no one else's.

 

The moment he deposited his love (in all sense of the word) on me, he was out of the marriage. he was out in mind, spirit, and body....so to blame me, the OW for breaking the marriage I find that really misses the mark by a long shot!

[smartgirl]

I actually can't tell if we are agreeing on the OW sharing blame or not. Maybe just semantics. You do see that OW's involvement can weaken the marriage don't you? I think so because that would be part of the guilt you felt.

 

BTW - how are you doing? Are you feeling good and over MM or still dealing with the fallout?

[Tomcat33]

I actually can't tell if we are agreeing on the OW sharing blame or not. Maybe just semantics. You do see that OW's involvement can weaken the marriage don't you? I think so because that would be part of the guilt you felt.

 

BTW - how are you doing? Are you feeling good and over MM or still dealing with the fallout?

 

We are most definitely agreeing. I also agree that there are varying degrees of how an OW persists of the MM even after he tries to break it off or go back to work on the M. BUt on that same token, again it falls back on the lap of the OW, she can pursue all she wants but if he is set on working on the M after D-day or after he breaks it off, then he should not be weak and say yes time and time and time again. And what I also see a lot of is BS saying "yes but he was vulnerable, and if she didn't keep pursuing him he would have stayed away" AHHHHHH parctice saying "no" ever occur to anyone? But it's easier to say "well she was very persistant what man COULD resist" It's like we are ALWAYS making excuses for men!!

 

I dunnow it's so case by case it's hard to talk in specifics...it's even hard to give blame percentages. But if I absolutely had to I would say the blame is always MOST on the cheater, he/she is as you said the one who controls both situations.

 

You see what the BS fails to see because now she is in "beleive everthying my hubby says because he is comming clean now" mode, is that he will leave out how his pursuit had anything to do with the OW being insisting after the fact...

 

Take my case for instance, just this weekend I was out with friends saying "I bet he and his W are getting a good laugh at my expense thanks to my phone call, he prob managed to weasle his way out of the situation by turning things around on me making it seem like I tried to pursue him...and she is prob. eating up every single bit of it..." Well given the phone call last night, there was no shared laughter at my expense, at least that is not the impression I got because he sounded far too miserable to be having a "good laugh" with his W or any sort of good time for that matter. He sounded like they are in deep problems, not that I asked much....

 

Thank you for asking about my situation, did you read my update on the last page before this one? I am ok today it was very hard to speak to him again lat night, I was finally moving on out of sight out of mind, and just hearing his voice again hearing him tell me that he missed our time our talks our "us" was VERY hard for me. it made me think of stuff I just don't want to think about anymore. BUT I know I can never go back there again EVER so I am sort of in mourning mode all over again today just not as bad as last time thankfully...it does get easier in time it really does, and as you learn more of the "Whys" it could have never worked. I was set back with a bit of pain today but I also gain more clarity as time passes so it's a fair trade off for me as far as I am concerned ;-)

[NoIDidn't]

Putting one and one together and coming up with three just doesn't work for me. To me, if a person is in obvious misery in their M after having broke things off with me, I would assume that his W is giving him hell for what happened. NOT that she is lying idly by believing every word out of his mouth. Sorry.

 

I just don't think you know enough about this woman to make such accusations, TC. Yet, you come here over and over again saying the same thing as if it pertains to all BWs. It doesn't. It also doesn't seem like it pertains to the one in your situation either.

 

You called her. What did you expect her to say to you? "Thanks for telling me the truth, now I can dump the loser." "Thanks, I owe you my life for telling me somethings that are really going to help me". OR, "You're the best friend ever!" I doubt she'd be thinking any of those things.

 

Besides dumping this loser, what else did you expect that phone call to net you?

[smartgirl]

I know what you are saying about "how hard did he really try to break it off and how hard did she really have to work to keep him?" I think that varies too. In my case, the OW was VERY determined. She is a very strong willed, controlling person (his words and what I know of her) and she is not the kind to allow anyone to call it quits but her. He broke it off repeatedly, but always went back. She admits that her actions to get him back were very intentional. But that is very personal to my situation and there is a lot more to the story.

 

The part that is more general I think is why the MM keep going back and for that matter, why the OW try to keep them from leaving. It feels like love, and sometimes it may be, but often it is a form of addition.

 

I know that sounds like a piss poor excuse, but it is for real. I've done a lot of research and in the early stages of a relationship, not just As, the brain can release chemicals that cause us to obssess on the other person and feel we can't be apart from them. It also breaks down inhibitions and can cause people to take risks that were they rational, they would never take. Over the stages of the relationship different chemicals are released - too long to go into.

 

My H, prior to my learning all this, said he felt like he was addicted - like it was a sort of temporary insanity. He did things that were so out of character for him it was like he had become a different person. Everything he described in detail was exactly like the studies I read about later on. Same for many OW I think. Is it love? Partly. But when people continue in behavior that is really making them miserable I think there is a good chance there is something else at work there too.

 

You suffer withdrawal afterwards, just like from addiction. Different chemical - also causes obssessive thoughts, anger, etc.

 

My H does not blame the OW to let himself off the hook. He believes they both suffered from the same type of addiction. The difference was she did want to leave her H, though she denied it at the time, and he told her he did not want to leave me, though she tried to convince him that he really did. He says they are both people who made a mistake and got in over their head. Hard for me to hear because I would rather be angry at the person that I don't have to live with than the person I do live with. Know what I mean?

 

BS believe their H was completely irrational because they see how different his behavior was from the norm. They believe that the OW was calculating and manipulative because women can often be that and because they see the OWs efforts to take their spouse away as an intentional act. I think the truth is that there is a lot of powerful emotion on both sides and a lot of thought and action that defies logic. Ain't love grand?

 

I heard a little of the withdrawal dynamic in your last post. It was sad. You were getting better when you stayed away from him and when you spoke with him it started to bring back some of the feelings. I know you know the only safe place for you is in total NC with him. Even for being in an A, he crossed the line. He lied to you and because of that you let yourself fall in love with him and then had to endure the pain of the breakup. It will take more time for you to get past this, but there has to be a good guy out there for you that isn't so messed up and is willing to do what is the right thing for you. Does he love you? The question is, does he love you enough to leave you alone and let you be happy?

 

Sorry if I am starting to sound preachy and very sorry for how long this darn post turned out to be.

[smartgirl]

TC - OMG I just went back and read the update you referred to. To be honest, the posts on this thread had started getting so nasty I had to stop reading.

 

He is BIG trouble and you need to stay far, far away. I'm not sure I have heard such manipulative crap described before. He is completely trying to play with your mind. Everything that has happened is your fault? Whatever he has done you made him do?

 

Look up narcissim and tell me if you don't see this man described to a tee. They are sociopaths and everything you say will be turned back on you. They are incapable of seeing anything through anyone's eyes but their own. They believe that any of their bad actions are only a defense against the actions of others.

 

You should change your number or at least stop taking any calls from him.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow, smartgrl. I don't think we are reading the same thread. Who is being nasty? I just don't see it. Direct, blunt, even accusory - but nasty. On everyone's part so far.

 

Why the inflamatory "nasty"?

[Tomcat33]

Wow, smartgrl. I don't think we are reading the same thread. Who is being nasty? I just don't see it. Direct, blunt, even accusory - but nasty. On everyone's part so far.

 

Why the inflamatory "nasty"?

 

Quite frankly I don't give a damn what YOU see, I know what I see I know what I lived and that's is my gospel. I go on my experience and that's enough for me to make the conclusions I need to get on with my life. The end result is my actions are walking that talk, and that's that.

 

Putting one and one together and coming up with three just doesn't work for me. To me, if a person is in obvious misery in their M after having broke things off with me, I would assume that his W is giving him hell for what happened. NOT that she is lying idly by believing every word out of his mouth. Sorry.

 

I just don't think you know enough about this woman to make such accusations, TC. Yet, you come here over and over again saying the same thing as if it pertains to all BWs. It doesn't. It also doesn't seem like it pertains to the one in your situation either.

 

If putting one and one together doesn't make three then you can't make the bolded statement either because you have no clue either, you can only go on YOUR assumptions. If that is what you choose to believe then that's your prerogative. But don't come on here telling me I can't see what I see when you are doing the exact same thing, KNOWING nothing more than what I post here to go by.

 

Why did I call her? because I wanted to do what's right FOR MY OWN PEACE OF MIND, and to get him out of my life for good! I am doing my part the rest is all up to consecuences of what he started, if they are miserable that's the direct consecuence of his ACTIONS. All I can do at this point is take care of #1, and that is exactly what I intend to keep doing.

 

 

Thank you Smartgirl YES I TOTALLY see his narcissitic ways and it's funny you say that because I said those exact same words to him last night, I told him he was a selfish manipulator and all he worried about was HIMSELF. his answer "do you think I am really that horrible?" My answer "the door to a free psycholanlisis of your life and your ways is officially closed but for the record yes, I do because you say to want one thing but your actions are saying another. Now go off and work on your marriage and leave me the HELL alone" And with that I ended our discussion.

 

As per the acting out of character I could not agree MORE. I know for fact I did and I think he has too, his actions could very well be out of the ordinary but I cannot dwell on that for too long because it would only suck me back in. I am better off thinking this is just him and move on.

 

 

Will I ever take his contact again, absolutely NOT. It's not worth setting my own progress back for a moment of talking in circles to be blamed for something that he is very much to blame for.

 

As per the addiction thing I TOTALLY agree for him this is now 100% an addiction I see that loud and clear! HE has been in therapy for many months now and obviously it is getting him nowhere, it would appear he is beyond repair at the moment. All I can focus on now is ME. I did my part to end things and walk away there is nothing more I can do.

 

I know a good man is out there for me that is the LEAST of my worries but before I can even focus on that I have to feel 100% again, I wouldn't want to deprive a good man from getting the best of me, to jump into something now will be doing ME and the new man a disservice, I am fine alone, and when the time is right destiny will let me know. Thank you for your thoughts Smartgirl!!

[NoIDidn't]

TC

 

Get over yourself.

[shellys-trying]

It just irritates me when he or her want to blame ME for their current situation. I got out of the picture a long time ago. If their situation isn't working is because one or both protagonists of said situation are not pulling their weight and the other is too accomodating.

 

WELL DON'T BLAME ME because you can't do your s@#t right!

 

If you're that pizzed, why don't you tell them that?

[shellys-trying]

Smart girl I agree with your ENTIRE post, the ENTIRE thing!!

I would NEVER condone an A as and answer to marital problems NEVER.

While I was in my rel with exMM I had HUGE problems with what we were doing so that was my ongoing battle.

 

What I am saying is that I take full responsibility for all the pain I caused MYSELF in getting involved with someone who was not available, I even feel bad for the pain I caused HIS W for being with him while he refused to tell her he was already with me after he left her!! HOWEVER, I will NEVER EVER EVER take responsibility for breaking up their marriage.

 

HE and SHE did that and I think the blame for that is HIS no one else's.

 

The moment he deposited his love (in all sense of the word) on me, he was out of the marriage. he was out in mind, spirit, and body....so to blame me, the OW for breaking the marriage I find that really misses the mark by a long shot!

 

you had huge problems with the A but it sure didn't deter you from having that fling, hmm? Funny how that always happens.

[Tomcat33]

you had huge problems with the A but it sure didn't deter you from having that fling, hmm? .

 

 

Yes that's correct, because sometimes emotion takes over reasoning. You of all people should should understand that better than anyone, you took your H back after he went off to get "his rocks off with the town skank"(your words not mine) for three months. Clearly your heart had more power over you than your reasoning so what I did shouln't be too hard to understand. We are all human at the end of the day.

[shellys-trying]

Yes that's correct, because sometimes emotion takes over reasoning. You of all people should should understand that better than anyone, you took your H back after he went off to get "his rocks off with the town skank"(your words not mine) for three months. Clearly your heart had more power over you than your reasoning so what I did shouln't be too hard to understand. We are all human at the end of the day.

 

 

BS!

I fell in love with a SG. If he'd been M I'd have told him to F off.

I have more respect for myself than to even think about a MM like that.

At the end of the day I still go by the old commandment of "do not commit adultery" Call me, I don't know, moral?

[mopar crazy]

TC, it's getting late here so I don't have time to read everything you have been posting today. I did read your post that the xMM called you. I want to say what you did was great! He is a pr!ck!!! He is trying to place a lot of blame on you where it should not be placed. How dare he call you and tell you all that crap! He is trying to blame the whole A on you and not taking any responsibility for how he treated his W. Was he controlling in your R b/c he sounds controlling to me. I wouldn't take this @sshole back even if he did D his W.