Impudent Oyster Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 , I would tend to think that the OW is most of the time much younger and better looking that the spouse. Not true. OW was not as pretty as me, and she was two years older. She did have something I didn't have though. Incredibly low-self esteem and the desire and desperation to do anything to get attention from a man, any man, even married men. Link to post Share on other sites
BurriedAlive Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 So if you wanted him so much and he got caught, why didn't he leave to be with the prize (you)? Because he is a coward. He fessed up without really fessing up. He told W that he had slept with me twice instead of for a year. He wanted the chips to fall where they may. She never left him. The point is, looks don't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 I am not as good looking as his W. But I don't ever ask him to pick up his socks, pick the kids up from school, say I'm too tired, just want to go to bed. He's never seen me mop a floor, cry from being up with a baby for 36 hours, yell at him for not communicating with me...etc etc. I am not his real life, and real life is ugly sometimes. I agree 100% w/ poster that it's not looks it's how I make him feel about himself. I am writing this because I'm trying to leave and I need to start being honest. No offence but what you offer this man in comparison to what his W does, is not realistic. The reason you don't do any of the "negative" things his W does is because you don't share a full relationship with your OM. Unless you are the June Cleaver type that awaits for the man in your plaid apron, ribbon in hair and his leather slippers in hand ready to slip them on him as he smokes his pipe, you will fall into the same pattern his W did. You can't have a real relationship and not expect things from your partner. It's called living a real relationship vs a fantasy one. And if you are not even better looking than his W what will he have with you over what he already had with his W, in time? Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 My WH xOW wasn't ugly but I did say she was to him to make him feel like *****, I don't think it worked. All he could say was "J, she isn't ugly! You are better looking than she is but she is not ugly." Even men and woman WH and the xOW worked w/ said "How could he cheat on his W w/ her? His W is so pretty!" It wasn't about looks w/ WH and the xOW. He liked her for other reasons. Yes, I had put on weight (I quit smoking) but I wasn't obese, just over weight. Other guys still found me attractive. Every time I went out w/ friends some guy would buy me a drink. One guy even bought me a half dozen roses and brought them to me at the table I was sitting at w/ friends in a jam packed bar. I was a SAHM for several years so I wore clothes that were comfortable. I still took care of myself. I wouldn't even go to the store, or running errands w/o putting on nicer clothes, doing my hair and make-up. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 Whoever said that it sometimes about looks and sometimes not, was pretty right on... And I also think that maybe it is looks intially, maybe it's something else that he appreciates in her...it's that "something" inside someone that attracts someone to another... But you're kidding yourself if you're talking about a LTA being based only on looks or sex...it's something more at that point... Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 My XW was a beautiful woman, my current wife (XOW) is a beautiful woman. Looks are certainly not the issue here. Has my wife "let herself go?" Certainly not, she has entirely too much respect for herself to do that. Is she older, absolutely. Does that make her even more beautiful to me, absolutely. Why? My wife loves me, I can see it every time I walk into a room that she is in. I can feel it in the way that she looks at me, the way she smiles at me, the way she cares about me. THAT is why a man stays with a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Babybird Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 I think that I am better looking than his W but only because she doesn't take care of herself in certain ways. She has these unbelievable dark circles under her eyes...wear concealer for gods sake!! She tans too much and doesn't do her hair. I think she probably once was very pretty. She does have a better body than me. She is one of those petite 4'11" blonds with a C cup and visible stomach muscles. Makes me wanna puke but then again I am pretty comfortable with my body. Question: The OW is pretty much labeled as having a low self-esteem but I think that its the cheater, that isn't being coddles and doted on by his W anymore, that needs the reassurance. I mean most claim lack of sex, attention, affection, etc. making them feel undesirable. Is it possible that the cheater has more of a low self-esteem than the OW? Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 H's xOW was 6 yrs younger than me, but since she spent most of the year tanning, she looked 10 yrs older than me. So, IMO, if a guy's gonna cheat, he's gonna do it with the one that's easiest, not better looking. Sorry, but, most cases are the OW is not better looking. Just easier to get @#$%^ from. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 Question: The OW is pretty much labeled as having a low self-esteem but I think that its the cheater, that isn't being coddles and doted on by his W anymore, that needs the reassurance. I mean most claim lack of sex, attention, affection, etc. making them feel undesirable. Is it possible that the cheater has more of a low self-esteem than the OW? I think alot of people, including the BW, comes to that conclusion because the OW is lowering herself to sleep with/have relations with a man who's M to someone else. If there is no low self esteem on the OW's side, then why is she with a MM? That speaks for itself, to me. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I am much younger but she looks pretty good,she has a beautfull skin. We are somehow similar we are both brunetts and pettit ,she is a little taller(5ft 5 in) but I am more curvier (not much)we probably weight the same ,around 110pounds but I am shorter(5ft.2in) and more muscular.I am more of a free spirit and more casual ,she is very classic and type A personality. What atracted MM to me was the fact that I am OK anywhere, I rarelly stress about things and I have fun,he felt he could be more spontaneous with me. She is very tense and proper all the time ,that is his biggest complain. I have fuller lips too, he always said he wished she had my lips and my free spirit. Althought when we worked togheter he would say he wished I was more orginized like she is. In the beggining he used to compare us all the time, what p*** off alot, lately he dosen't do that anymore. In my MM's case wasn't the physical so much but my personality.With me he can joke and play ,with her he has to be serious and watch what he says all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 And I can bet he's really tense now that he's cheating on her. I'll bet he helped to encourage her stiffness around her husband. I feel for the BW simply because she has no idea she's in competition with another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 So, IMO, if a guy's gonna cheat, he's gonna do it with the one that's easiest, not better looking. Sorry, but, most cases are the OW is not better looking. I'd love to see how you drew this conclusion... Ever heard the term, Trophy Wives? There's a reason that they coined this phrase, and it wasn't because she's easier and uglier... Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I'd love to see how you drew this conclusion... Ever heard the term, Trophy Wives? There's a reason that they coined this phrase, and it wasn't because she's easier and uglier... I think being called that is an insult. Seen the "weight loss" commercial with the woman saying that her hubby calls her that? I have and it wouldn't impress me if my H called me that. There's more to me than just my looks. Only a moron man would come up with that name for "his woman". Bull sh**! I stand by my statement and I came by that knowledge easily enough. So, that's where I came to that conclusion. MMs will pick out women with low self esteem quicker than ones who have more respect for themselves. Easy pickins. A MM will look at it that way, too. If the woman can sleep with a MM, well...and yeah, this was said by MMs. I know of several jerk MMs who I've heard say those same words. Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 i am sorry but i disagree shelly, what makes you think that these MM "pick" out OW? by saying that, you are implying that these men are on the hunt. i do not think that is the case with most. MM and i became friends and fell in love later. he in no way PICKED me out. and i do not believe they pick the easiest. from what i have heard the MM likes the chase too much. it is way more exciting dont you think? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I stand by my statement and I came by that knowledge easily enough. So, that's where I came to that conclusion. If the woman can sleep with a MM, well...and yeah, this was said by MMs. I know of several jerk MMs who I've heard say those same words. Well you're a fountain of knowledge with so much "evidence" to back up your assertions... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I think being called that is an insult. Seen the "weight loss" commercial with the woman saying that her hubby calls her that? I have and it wouldn't impress me if my H called me that. There's more to me than just my looks. Only a moron man would come up with that name for "his woman". Bull sh**! I stand by my statement and I came by that knowledge easily enough. So, that's where I came to that conclusion. MMs will pick out women with low self esteem quicker than ones who have more respect for themselves. Easy pickins. A MM will look at it that way, too. If the woman can sleep with a MM, well...and yeah, this was said by MMs. I know of several jerk MMs who I've heard say those same words.[/quote] You actually heard them (MMs) say that? What a bunch of morons..if they say that all they can pick up are low self-esteem women, the 'easy pickins'...then that would tell me they are losers and they can't pick the 'good ones'...LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 MMs will pick out women with low self esteem quicker than ones who have more respect for themselves. Easy pickins. A MM will look at it that way, too. If the woman can sleep with a MM, well...and yeah, this was said by MMs. I know of several jerk MMs who I've heard say those same words. I don't know about that "theory" of yours....I guess it's an "obvious" assesment that a woman with less self esteem would settle for a married man, but on the same token what does that make of the BS who takes a cheating man back? Doesn't that make her just as lacking in self esteem /respect as an OW? NO actually by your theory that would make her having even LESS self respect because she knowingly stays with a man who will disrespect her. While we do have a choice in who we fall in love with love is uncontrollable, we cannot control why or how we fall in love, I think it has less to do with self esteem and more to do with circumstances and choices. And speaking solely from experience, I never made it "easy"on him, hence we are no longer together. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Well, aren't you just the little "knowy" too. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I don't know about that "theory" of yours....I guess it's an "obvious" assesment that a woman with less self esteem would settle for a married man, but on the same token what does that make of the BS who takes a cheating man back? Doesn't that make her just as lacking in self esteem /respect as an OW? NO actually by your theory that would make her having even LESS self respect because she knowingly stays with a man who will disrespect her. While we do have a choice in who we fall in love with love is uncontrollable, we cannot control why or how we fall in love, I think it has less to do with self esteem and more to do with circumstances and choices. And speaking solely from experience, I never made it "easy"on him, hence we are no longer together. I think choosing to want or be with a guy who is M in itself is disrespecting one's self. Where the W taking a cheater back, well, MOST times the W has a history w/ her WH, and sometimes, just sometimes, that H doesn't cheat again. (as mine is a very good example). No, IMO, if a woman chooses a guy who's M, she doesn't have a very big opinion of herself, to have anything to do with a MM. Think about it. If all these OWs are soooo attractive, why are they settleing for a MM when they can have any SG they desire? Just sayin'. Where the love and choice comment is concerned, well, it's not really love if all you're doing is having sex with the guy. I'm sure you're MM is very generous to you, right? but if he was that generous, he'd D his W and be with you full time. Who cares about the kids, the bills, what the neighbors/family/friends/coworkers would say. it's all about love and being smack dab in the middle of it, right? This is just my opinion of course. Link to post Share on other sites
bullhunter Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Speaking only for myself, as an MM, the reason for the affair had nothing to do with the OWs looks, or any lack of self-esteem. To be honest, her looks were nothing special, nor even particularly appealing to me. And she certainly had no lack of self-esteem. In fact, she had an overabundance of it. The whole reason was my own LACK of self-esteem. I felt I wasn't as good, as smart, as efficient, as attractive as my wife. And I had come to believe that she thought the same thing. Rather than the OW being "easy pickings" for me. I was "easy pickings" for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 No woman with high self-esteem and self-respect would sleep with a married man, no way, they would never agree not to be first in a man's life. A self-confident woman wouldn't date a committed man, she would tell him to call her when he's divorced, she's got too many options. OW can't say no, that's why they're OW. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I can see shelly-trying POV on this, she has told me about the xOW. As for my WH xOW, if she had low self-esteem she had a excellent way of not showing it. WH xOW was very outgoing it was irritating. She just had to be the center of attention. She flirted w/ SG, MM, DM, all men. She didn't care if they were MM or not, she was gonna flirt and if she wanted them, she was going after them (her words). WH xOW did not have low self-esteem. bullhunter made me really think w/ his post. I think my own WH had some low self-esteem issue also, even though he would never admit it. There was so many times he said he was worried I was going to find someone better than him and leave him, that I would cheat on him, etc. My H doesn't act like he has low self-esteem but when it comes right down to it, he is does. He has told me several times he is worried I will find someone else. If that isn't self-esteem issues I don't know what is. Maybe that is one small reason for his own A. Link to post Share on other sites
bullhunter Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 No woman with high self-esteem and self-respect would sleep with a married man, no way, they would never agree not to be first in a man's life. A self-confident woman wouldn't date a committed man, she would tell him to call her when he's divorced, she's got too many options. OW can't say no, that's why they're OW. Although I can understand why you say this, I simply don't agree. I think oftentimes the OW are actually extremely self-confident and have an over-abundance of self-esteem. Having a lot of options may not mean anything, because it's that particular man they want. And don't forget, usually they figure it's only a matter of time until that ARE first in the man's life. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 WS definitely have self-esteem issues, that's why they seek validation from the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Although I can understand why you say this, I simply don't agree. I think oftentimes the OW are actually extremely self-confident and have an over-abundance of self-esteem. . I think it's false, they only appear to have self-esteem but underneath, they're scared and lonely. Only a truly desperate woman would sleep with a MM. Link to post Share on other sites
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