Taking the last name

[Touche]

I think it should be totally up to the woman since it is her name she has to live with, not up to the guy she's marrying.

 

So you're saying the man should have no say about his wife-to-be's name? He shouldn't even have an opinion let alone voice it?

[Curmudgeon]

I think it should be totally up to the woman since it is her name she has to live with, not up to the guy she's marrying.

 

Did you just wake up?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would be outraged if she wouldnt take my last name. Taking the man's last name has been here since the inception of america and other civilized countries itself. I would feel as if she didnt want to be truly a family.

 

If she felt that professionally her name sounds better? Why si that you need to show people that you are married right? Then hypenate the name if that's the case. If you dont take the last name it sounds like you dont respect the man you intend to marry.

[IpAncA]

I never realized that men might become so emotional about whether women change their names or not.

 

Even if it wasn't tradition I think some would be upset about it. But I'm surprised myself.

 

Makes me wonder what they'd say if their W wanted one of their children to be named something different.

 

 

I know SO many couples wherein (?) the woman didn't change her name. It's so common nowadays. I don't know why everyone is analyzing it so much. All this anger from the "traditionalist" men is surprising to me.

 

To me, it has nothing to do with the woman's love for her husband or anything...it's just a way to assert her individuality and a little nod to feminism (NOT "Femi-nazi-ism" ) and modernity.

 

That said, it's really a no-win situation. If a woman keeps her own name, she's keeping her FATHER'S name anyway, as some people have pointed out. If you hypenate, things can get hairy and unpronouncable--and what if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid and then THEY hyphenate? Changing the name is still problematic for many women, including me. I just can't look at it as anything other than sexist. But since no other option is perfect, I guess it's every couple's choice to make on their own...

 

I agree but not with feminism. I'm not even talking about women's equality but I knew it would pop up.

 

I guess I'm saying it could be a red flag. Other factors of course determine compatibility. I just think that's a biggie.

 

Look on this thread we have examples of women who changed their names and the marriage failed and we have women who didn't and the marriage is succesful. Many factors play into compatibility. I just think it's something to watch out for.

 

I'm going with compatibility.

 

That's a generalization.

 

What? Saying the only way it can be a generalization? It has to be across the board true for everyone. Not bits and pieces here and there.

 

But I'll admit I worded it wrong.

[green-eyed beauty]

So you're saying the man should have no say about his wife-to-be's name? He shouldn't even have an opinion let alone voice it?

 

Of course he can voice his opinion, but it is the woman's name and she has to live with it, not him. It's really legally her decision, not his.

[IpAncA]

I would be outraged if she wouldnt take my last name. Taking the man's last name has been here since the inception of america and other civilized countries itself. I would feel as if she didnt want to be truly a family.

 

If she felt that professionally her name sounds better? Why si that you need to show people that you are married right? Then hypenate the name if that's the case. If you dont take the last name it sounds like you dont respect the man you intend to marry.

Respect has nothing to do with it. You can still respect the guy and not have his name.

 

What if this wasn't tradition? What then? Would you still feel the same way and say respect wasn't there?

[tanbark813]

What? Saying the only way it can be a generalization? It has to be across the board true for everyone. Not bits and pieces here and there.

 

But I'll admit I worded it wrong.

 

I was just being obnoxious because your statement about generalizations was a generalization in and of itself.

[green-eyed beauty]

If she felt that professionally her name sounds better? Why si that you need to show people that you are married right? Then hypenate the name if that's the case. If you dont take the last name it sounds like you dont respect the man you intend to marry.

 

What bugs me is that men's names have no distinction between if they're married or not, why should the woman have to divulge her marital status with their names (Miss, Mrs.) I'm totally all about Ms. Even when I get married, I will still go by Ms. because my husband's name is by Mr. no matter what.

[IpAncA]

I was just being obnoxious because your statement about generalizations was a generalization in and of itself.

Sorry. I don't talk to you a lot so I have no idea if your being serious or not.

[Storyrider]

Of course he can voice his opinion, but it is the woman's name and she has to live with it, not him. It's really legally her decision, not his.

 

Bottom line, this is true. But hopefully early in a marriage when this decision was on the table, it would be about compromise, as Touche says, and not pulling the legal card.

[IpAncA]

What bugs me is that men's names have no distinction between if they're married or not, why should the woman have to divulge her marital status with their names (Miss, Mrs.) I'm totally all about Ms. Even when I get married, I will still go by Ms. because my husband's name is by Mr. no matter what.

I actually have no problem with the way the names are.

 

It's just the way things are IMO.

 

Oh and for the record, I am a FEMALE. I'm not a guy, a she-male, or whatever else some people come up with. Why people question me on this I don't know. Guess I sound like a guy. LOL!!

[allina]

My and my SO plan on marring fairly soon and this is going to be a funny issue for me. I see nothing wrong with taking my husbands name, I intend on it, every woman in my family has done it when they married.

 

In my situation it will be interesting though as I am 100% Polish (born there, came here at 9) and my SO is Indian, so I'm going to be a Polish girl with a very Indian last name I don't see a problem with it though, my current last name is random and not Polish at all.

 

Another thing is the long version of my first name sort of rhymes with my SO's last name, so I may use my middle name alongside my first or just have a silly sounding name, ah well

[Touche]

Bottom line, this is true. But hopefully early in a marriage when this decision was on the table, it would be about compromise, as Touche says, and not pulling the legal card.

 

Exactly.

 

...........

[Enema]

So you're saying the man should have no say about his wife-to-be's name? He shouldn't even have an opinion let alone voice it?

 

She doesn't get a say in His name, why should he get a say in Hers?

 

"Tradition" is an oft-used excuse for supressing choice.

 

My fiance and I will keep our own names, or choose a brand new name together. Changing your name to your partners' simply because they want you to smacks of inequality imo.

[serial muse]

My and my SO plan on marring fairly soon and this is going to be a funny issue for me. I see nothing wrong with taking my husbands name, I intend on it, every woman in my family has done it when they married.

 

In my situation it will be interesting though as I am 100% Polish (born there, came here at 9) and my SO is Indian, so I'm going to be a Polish girl with a very Indian last name I don't see a problem with it though, my current last name is random and not Polish at all.

 

Another thing is the long version of my first name sort of rhymes with my SO's last name, so I may use my middle name alongside my first or just have a silly sounding name, ah well

 

 

I'm making up all sorts of singsongy rhyming names for you in my head now.

[Touche]

She doesn't get a say in His name, why should he get a say in Hers?

 

"Tradition" is an oft-used excuse for supressing choice.

 

My fiance and I will keep our own names, or choose a brand new name together. Changing your name to your partners' simply because they want you to smacks of inequality imo.

 

The only thing I have to say to that is good luck in your marriage.

 

I didn't change my name only because he wanted to. I already explained why I did it. We wanted a child together. We were becoming a family and it wouldn't feel right to me if we had different last names. Guess what? Twelve years later, I don't have any regrets.

[green-eyed beauty]

Bottom line, this is true. But hopefully early in a marriage when this decision was on the table, it would be about compromise, as Touche says, and not pulling the legal card.

 

See, to me it is such an insignificant "issue" (I hesitate to call it an issue), that I wouldn't see it as needing to be "brought to the table." It's just a name. If she wants to keep it, that should be fine, since it's her name and she is the one who has to live with it.

[green-eyed beauty]

The only thing I have to say to that is good luck in your marriage because you are going to need loads of it with that attitude.

 

I ddn't change my name only because he wanted to (like that would be such a BAD thing:rolleyes:) I already explained why I did it. We wanted a child together. We were becoming a family and it wouldn't feel right to me if we had different last names. Guess what? Twelve years later, I don't have any regrets. Hope you can say the same in 12 years...if you're still even married then.

 

I don't think you can judge his relationship based on the fact that his opinion differs from yours. Where is his supposed 'attitude' you speak of? I wasn't sensing any. So you're saying, Touche, if a couple chooses a different option than yours, they have 'attitude' and they will need good luck in their marriage. That is ludicrous. I don't think he was criticizing your own choice, simply explaining the choice he is making with his fiancee.

[Touche]

See, to me it is such an insignificant "issue" (I hesitate to call it an issue), that I wouldn't see it as needing to be "brought to the table." It's just a name. If she wants to keep it, that should be fine, since it's her name and she is the one who has to live with it.

 

Well it can be an "issue" if your husband-to-be is hurt by your decision.

[Enema]

The only thing I have to say to that is good luck in your marriage because you are going to need loads of it with that attitude.

 

I ddn't change my name only because he wanted to (like that would be such a BAD thing:rolleyes:) I already explained why I did it. We wanted a child together. We were becoming a family and it wouldn't feel right to me if we had different last names. Guess what? Twelve years later, I don't have any regrets. Hope you can say the same in 12 years...if you're still even married then.

 

I'm glad it works for you... I'm sure there are millions of people out there who never think for themselves and just follow what they were brought up to believe, or do what their man tells them to. I'm happy that they are happy.

 

But, for me... no thanks.

 

I also think it's great that you disparage the longevity of my relationship simply because it's different than yours...

[polywog]

I didn't bother to read this whole thread, but I have a story. When I married my exH I didn't want to change my name, because it's an uncommon one and our family is the last in the line, in the paternal line which I wanted to honor (my dad died when I was a kid). The town clerk, who gave us out marriage licence, told us to do the hyphenated thing because she said we could both use either or both last names. Fair enough, though we both thought the hyphen thing was cimbersome and did not plan to actually use it, as we planned to use our own last names professionally.

 

Well, we married, and I had to change my last name for social security, he did not! When we divorced, the judge asked us if I wanted to change my last name back to my maiden name; I pointed out, as my exH stood there, that we both needed to change our names back, and he said, "I've never had this come up before!":o.

 

Well, we both changed our names upon marrying but I was the only one who had to deal with it legally through social security, insurance, divorce, etc. Annoying and unfair.

[Touche]

I don't think you can judge his relationship based on the fact that his opinion differs from yours. Where is his supposed 'attitude' you speak of? I wasn't sensing any. So you're saying, Touche, if a couple chooses a different option than yours, they have 'attitude' and they will need good luck in their marriage. That is ludicrous. I don't think he was criticizing your own choice, simply explaining the choice he is making with his fiancee.

 

Read his answer to me again then. Obviously you missed the not-so-subtle put-down.

 

As for the bolded part..nope. You got it wrong again. Go back and read some of my other posts and maybe you'll get it this time. That's NOT what I was saying at all.

[Touche]

I'm glad it works for you... I'm sure there are millions of people out there who never think for themselves and just follow what they were brought up to believe, or do what their man tells them to. I'm happy that they are happy.

 

But, for me... no thanks.

 

I also think it's great that you disparage the longevity of my relationship simply because it's different than yours...

 

Yeah, great...just like I thought it was great the way you pretty much called me a sheep and had no mind of my own because I chose to go with tradition. (Operative word there is "chose"...get it now?) You implied that my husband took the choice away from me. Go back and READ your own post.

[IpAncA]

When I married my exH I didn't want to change my name, because it's an uncommon one and our family is the last in the line, in the paternal line which I wanted to honor (my dad died when I was a kid).

 

Thank you.

 

This is the same with me. My last name is the last. There is no more.

 

I don't think it's selfish or disrespectful or a bad sign to want to keep it going.

[tanbark813]

Thank you.

 

This is the same with me. My last name is the last. There is no more.

 

I don't think it's selfish or disrespectful or a bad sign to want to keep it going.

 

So then would you want your child to have your name or your husband's name? If yours (because you want to keep it going), then your child would be honoring its maternal name rather than in your case honoring your paternal name. If your husband's, then your paternal name would cease anyway.