he cant control his debt, should i marry him?

[lostcaligal]

I am sooo confused. I had been with my BF of 3 years when he recently proposed to me. He is a great guy and I love him, very positive, great looking, adores me, is my best friend, genuine and faithfull. BUT, he has gotten himself into a huge debt situation and it keeps getting worse. When we met he had no credit cards at all, then he racked up about 10,000 in debt, lost interest in school (he is finally graduating from college at 28, but I have to remind him that his online test is due, or his paper needs to be written..I even bought his college supplies), joined a rock band (which they are doing well for a local los angeles band), and in the meantime he just couldnt afford the minimums on his CC's so he didnt pay them. I found out, about a year ago that he hadnt made payments for a couple of months and negotiated with the CC company and got him on payment plans and we spoke about credit, etc...

 

He was doing better, but his finance charges are now 32% and he can barely make the payments of the minimums, let alone make any dent in his balances. He proposed in April when his band got paid a big chunk of money and I was going to transfer his debt onto my 0% card and handle the money, only to find out that he had missed payments AGAIN!!! This is a never ending battle, and I have to be on top of it all to get him to do it.

 

I dont know if I should marry him, and I am so cunfused and sad. I feel that he is a wonderful great guy, BUT COME ON....sometimes he is short on rent, has no car insurance, doesnt pay bills on time and I could fix all this for him, but if he doesnt care himself, then should I? !

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation? He knows that one day I want to not work, I am making 3 times his salary, and he is banking on his band hitting it big. He says he wants a family and house as well, but is not showing me a plan or that he is responsible when he cant even get his bills paid, or consolidate.

 

I do love him, and I want to be happy and make this work, but I feel sad, resentful and hurt. He knows this and always says he will do better and seems to remain 100% positive in the situation. What to do? I dont know if i could find someone as genuine and loving.

[norajane]

It doesn't sound like you two are going to be a good match since he is irresponsible about money and bills and the practicalities of life, and you are looking to be with someone who shares your views on money.

 

I would not suggest 'fixing this for him'. You fix it now, and in 6 months, he'll be back in debt and still have no job and still be banking on his band making it big. He needs to do this for himself before you can trust that he can handle being an adult, and can handle being a parent.

 

I would hold off on marrying him until you see that you can work things out to be in agreement regarding finances. Many people get divorced because of money issues.

 

On the other hand, hey, Sharon Osbourne seems to be the one managing that household and Ozzie's career completely. Is your guy likely to strike it big like Ozzie??

[Lizzie60]

I am sooo confused. I had been with my BF of 3 years when he recently proposed to me. He is a great guy and I love him, very positive, great looking, adores me, is my best friend, genuine and faithfull. BUT, he has gotten himself into a huge debt situation and it keeps getting worse. When we met he had no credit cards at all, then he racked up about 10,000 in debt, lost interest in school (he is finally graduating from college at 28, but I have to remind him that his online test is due, or his paper needs to be written..I even bought his college supplies), joined a rock band (which they are doing well for a local los angeles band), and in the meantime he just couldnt afford the minimums on his CC's so he didnt pay them. I found out, about a year ago that he hadnt made payments for a couple of months and negotiated with the CC company and got him on payment plans and we spoke about credit, etc...

 

He was doing better, but his finance charges are now 32% and he can barely make the payments of the minimums, let alone make any dent in his balances. He proposed in April when his band got paid a big chunk of money and I was going to transfer his debt onto my 0% card and handle the money, only to find out that he had missed payments AGAIN!!! This is a never ending battle, and I have to be on top of it all to get him to do it.

 

I dont know if I should marry him, and I am so cunfused and sad. I feel that he is a wonderful great guy, BUT COME ON....sometimes he is short on rent, has no car insurance, doesnt pay bills on time and I could fix all this for him, but if he doesnt care himself, then should I? !

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation? He knows that one day I want to not work, I am making 3 times his salary, and he is banking on his band hitting it big. He says he wants a family and house as well, but is not showing me a plan or that he is responsible when he cant even get his bills paid, or consolidate.

 

I do love him, and I want to be happy and make this work, but I feel sad, resentful and hurt. He knows this and always says he will do better and seems to remain 100% positive in the situation. What to do? I dont know if i could find someone as genuine and loving.

 

 

don't get married until he is out of his debts... otherwise he will treat you like his mother... come on... give your head a shake.

 

When we met he had no credit cards at all, then he racked up about 10,000 in debt

 

You've been together 3 years.. he had no CC when you met...and after 3 years racked it up to 10, 000$ OUCH!!!

 

lost interest in school (he is finally graduating from college at 28, but I have to remind him that his online test is due, or his paper needs to be written..I even bought his college supplies),

 

WOW what are you, his mother?

 

sometimes he is short on rent, has no car insurance, doesnt pay bills on time and I could fix all this for him, but if he doesnt care himself, then should I?

 

How responsible... great guy indeed!

 

He says he wants a family and house as well.

 

Of course, he wants all that.. you got a good job... you WILL end up paying for everything.. he will make some money from time to time (no regular job)...

 

He proposed in April when his band got paid a big chunk of money

 

then will spend it on a wedding instead of paying his debt... sounds like a great role model for your kids and 'smart' guy...

 

He knows this and always says he will do better and seems to remain 100% positive in the situation. What to do? I dont know if i could find someone as genuine and loving.

 

OMG... I just can't believe this... I know you can find someone AS genuine and AS loving...cause don't fool yourself...he's not any of that.

 

He is very unlikely to change as long as you will feed his financial immaturity... He needs to learn to manage HIS finances first. This guy is immature and very disrespectful towards you. I don't care if you think he's a great guy... blablabla.. he's not...he' s a 'parasite' living at your expenses.

 

Plus he's got no insurance on his car, what if he kills someone?

Talk about a loser!!!

I'm sure you can do much better...

 

I feel sooo sad when I hear stories like yours... when women are plain 'naive' when they're in love... it makes me angry.

 

If you go ahead with the marriage, I bet my life that you will resent him for being sooo irresponsible...and what if he doesn't change, you have children...then you can't take it anymore... do you honestly think that a guy like him will take his responsibility for the kids... you got to be kidding!

[Chamari]

Lizzie: Some people honestly have no sense of time or money, particularly how the two relate. That doesn't make them bad people. You made an awful lot of assumptions based on very limited information--seems kind of harsh to me.

 

To the OP: I would suggest making sure that you two have worked out an equitable arrangment for finances before you get married. A lot of people have said that money makes for a lot of the problems in a relationship so it makes sense to have this worked out before commiting.

[4whatItsWorth]

This is a difficult one. I am sure that he is a very sweet guy, however, he does seem to have no realisation on what money is worth. He is in the trap of thinking "If I don't pay it now - the problems will eventually go away." Perhaps he hopes the insurance companies and so forth will eventually forget about him?

 

I think it is great that you are yourself doing so well! Women should never be financially dependent on a man! However, each time you pay something for him...each time you teach him that you will continue to do so. He KNOWS by now that you will always save him in case he forgets, or ignores, to pay. No wonder he wants to marry you. (NO offense here, I am sure it is also because you are the best thing that ever happened to him - you are, but he also knows you will solve his problems...) I would say you tell him you won't marry him until he is out of debt and showing signs of doing everything he can to become that.

 

Do not marry this man unless he can stop wasting money like it is growing off a tree - it will only cause resentment in the future when he wastes away all the kid's college fund...

 

Give a time limit, make boundaries - otherwise he will walk all over you.

[Diamonds&Rust]

I've found that the best people in this world have no idea what money is or how it works.

 

I understand how difficult it must be for you, though.

[hotgurl]

I would say hold off on marriage until he can get his debt and spending under control.

 

And whatever you do don't transfer his CC debt onto your cards. The minute you do it becomes your debt. and if you break up he can just take off on your stuck with 10,000 in cc debt. And if he doesn't pay when he is suposed to it your credit that gets screwed up.

 

Tell him you are done covering for him. Sit down and help him create a fiancial plan but after that it is up to him to use it. he needs to learn to pick up after himself.

 

I would also suggest you two go to pre marital counseling.

[directx]

Money strains relationships. Money is important, especially in marriage.

 

Want a nice house? Forget it.

Even if you manage to get a house, you wont have money for the upkeep.

 

You will be living with the stress of paycheck to paycheck. You will need to be able to surivive periods of being out of a job most likely. Having heavy debt makes this harder.

 

You want kids? This isn't fair to them. You won't be able to save for them and be lucky to give them what the NEED let alone what they want.

God forbid your daughter has a passion to dance or play piano, or your son is dying to play hockey. Either you wont have time because you have to work or you wont have the money for equipment. Most likely, both.

And you will probably spend less time with them because you will probably have to work even more to pay off the debt, assuming your H to be stops.

 

You deserve to enjoy what you earn. Not give it away to someone thats has no respect for money.

 

In summary, its guaranteed extra stress thats going to put a strain on your marriage and relationship and everyone in it.

 

This is nothing but trouble. You should feel fortunate you found out his behavior now and not before its too late.

[stillafool]

Money problems are the number one reason for divorce. I don't care how nice he is now, later down the line you are going to be resentful. There are thousands of musicians out there who know they are going to make it big and aren't. If you want children one day and you can't count on your husband to make the right decisions with money, you are going to have a rough life. Suppose you become ill and have to count on him to do the right thing with your money, can he handle it?

 

I tried to tell my brother the same thing before he got married. Three years ago he was single, out of debt, 6 figure salary, plenty of money in the bank. He married a woman who handles money the way your bf does and next month they are facing foreclosure due to huge debt she had hidden and wasn't paying and a stupid restaurant idea. I definitely think you should let this guy go.

[Trialbyfire]

It's the future I would be concerned about. The future with the responsibility of kids who need to be fed and clothed, and further down the line, with retirement. Even if he makes it big, he'll probably spend big.

 

Let him know he needs to get his finances in order or if he's willing, you can help him organize his finances. The last thing you want to do though, is to take on any of his debt.

[Mustang Sally]

Question: Should you marry someone who can't control their debt (i.e. has very different approach to finances than you)?

 

Answer: I wouldn't. And I wouldn't advise anyone else to, either. Look at how many people cite financial difficulties as a major (if not THE major) issue in their marriage and eventually it leads to divorce. It is a common theme.

 

Allow him time to work this out first. If he does, and it is to your satisfaction, then go for it. Otherwise, I would not tread there.

[adnCat]

I think if you love each other and want this to work, it can. Read "your money and your man" by Michelle Singletary. I haven't read it because my fiance and I are on the same page in terms of finance philosophy. But I read her columns and she generally gives good advice.

 

Sit down and talk to him about the need to get this under control before you get married.

 

I would hate to see two people who love one another have to end it over money. I know money problems happens a lot, but it is a stupid reason to fight or end relationships.