pinkroses Posted January 17, 2003 Share Posted January 17, 2003 My boyfriend and I basically broke up around Christmastime. We've shared a rental house together and I've had a job, so I've still been living with him, although I am packing and getting ready to move out in a couple of weeks. A week ago his parents lost their rental home due to lack of work and there was no money coming in, and they moved in here. I was agreeable to it, since I'm moving out, and I appreciate the fact that my boyfriend asked me first before telling them they could come. However, it's very awkward. We're all older, my boyfriend and I are late thirties, early forties and his parents are 50-60-ish. They live much differently than I'm used to and I don't know these people real well. And now that my relationship is ending, I'm not sure what to talk about or how to act. I know it's awkward for them too. I am glad I have work to go to during the days while they are all here. They are also without a car since they came here, and I decided I didn't want to get sucked into being a taxi service. I've already put 10,000 miles on my car in 7 months, since I moved here, as I have to make frequent trips out of town. I can barely afford my (reasonable) monthly payments, I don't want to be doling out for repairs and a lot of maintenance too. This caused a discussion between my (ex) boyfriend and I, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable. After all, I am being pushed out of someone's life and my home. I've been very nice about everything else, even loaning my car a couple of times. I just didn't want it to become habitual. I'm virtually broke too, and couldn't afford my deductible if something happened to my car. I go back and forth between feeling pity for my boyfriend and his family, all out of work with no transportation, etc., and feeling like I've been done really wrong. My boyfriend was unaffectionate and verbally abusive to me during our relationship, and now he's trying to smooth things over and part as friends. I know he's sincere and I'm being agreeable about it, but deep inside of me the damage just can't be repaired. It's too late to make amends, regardless of how truly sorry he is. We are parting on decent terms, and in spite of things I still care, and I'm already missing him----even though I know we could never work it out, we will be going our separate ways. I feel guilty. I'm used to feeling obligated to people, and saying yes no matter what. But at this point in my life I'm tired of being taken for granted and used, and I've decided to employ some boundaries. Especially since I am not my boyfriend's wife, I am under no obligation to his family. It was his idea to go our separate ways. I've come to see it's for the best and now I want that even more than he does. Yet I feel rejected, and now I'm expected to embrace his family with open arms, when he never paid any attention to mine. Sorry this is so long, I'm just really in pain and having a lot of mixed emotions. Does anyone have an opinion on this type of situation? Are my feelings normal? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 17, 2003 Share Posted January 17, 2003 I'd say you waited way too long to get away from this guy. I also think you are way too nice. You shouldn't have put up with this guy's crap as long a you did. Life doesn't go on forever. I'm glad you're finally arriving at a place where you don't put up with BS so long and you set boundaries for yourself. Honor your feelings. They are your feelings and therefore never wrong. I think you are being way too nice in all this. It's really awkward and you should work especially hard to get away from the situation as soon as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkroses Posted January 17, 2003 Author Share Posted January 17, 2003 Every time I stand up for myself I feel guilty, and I tend to think things are my fault most of the time, and I'm quick at trying to make peace. It's not in my nature to set boundaries and stick to them, and now that I am doing that, I feel like I'm being mean. My boyfriend and his parents got themselves into the messes they are in, I keep reminding myself of that. Still, I find myself feeling really sorry for them and trying to think of ways to help (other than loaning out my car). Anyway, it's very helpful to have someone support what I'm doing. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 17, 2003 Share Posted January 17, 2003 I am a nurturer too and had always put myself last. It's hard to set boundaries and hard to maintain them, but it's important too. And like anything else, we have to learn about our new selves and mature in a new area. I used to feel horrible when I said "no" to helping anyone. I loaned my car out to an in-law for a while and she drove it more than I ever did. When I got it back on a regular basis it had over 30,000 miles that she put on it, and I was stuck with all the maintenance and repairs! But I felt like I was the worst person in the world if I didn't lend it - I mean, how could I not lend my car when these poor pitiful people were so much worse off than me, right? Wrong! I admire what you are doing and I'm sorry you are going thru this now. Stick to your guns - this bad phase will be over soon and you can continue moving on with your life. Be strong for YOURSELF. You have EARNED it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkroses Posted January 17, 2003 Author Share Posted January 17, 2003 I have a really difficult decision to make and I need input, regarding this post. I am going out of town today back to my home state and I'll be there through Monday. I turned in my notice this morning at work, and had planned to be here for two more weeks. But then last night my boyfriend suggested I may not want to come back. He suggested that to avoid any further stress and discomfort on my part, with his relatives there, and he's also trying to avoid problems creeping up that will make us part as bitter enemies. He said they would just move my stuff back to me, when they get the vehicles to do it. I know him, he will do everything he can to help me get moved and in a peaceful situation, he's like that, no matter what happened between us. I go back and forth though between feeling like I'm being pushed out so his family can move in, and feeling that he is trying to consider my feelings. I could take it either way. I've never skipped out on a job before, or even a relationship. Yet I am growing more and more deeply depressed being here. It's not being around his family that is the hardest thing, it's my relationship with my boyfriend being not like it used to be. Neither one of us know how to act with each other or around the family. What should I do? Should I not come back, or should I finish out my two weeks here? Link to post Share on other sites
Swamp Posted January 21, 2003 Share Posted January 21, 2003 For some reason being a really nice and selfless person can bite you really really hard in the ass. But since im not you and I think the people causing you this problem are worthless humans. (no offense but since I dont know them I see things for how they appear) Put your foot down and get out. This is all about you right now... you arent being mean by any means at all. There comes a point where you are no longer the spine for someone elses misfortune to stand on. Get out. Link to post Share on other sites
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