if you're going to say leave him don't read

[same ol' song]

okay, the reason i say this is because it just does not work, for both of us, being separated i mean.

 

here it goes, i will be as short as possible.

 

met a guy 4 years ago, when i met him he had already moved out of his house, moved out from his wife and two children (now 8 and 10). when i say love at first sight it was, well after a few words actually. after being together for about 2 months, he told me he was going back to his family. i was totally distraught, not like me at all, anyway a week later he said it can't work between them and wanted to be with me. we got back together and since then we started living together and he left me about 10x to go back to his family, mind you, him always saying it was because of the kids, which i do believe.

 

everytime he left, he would only be gone for a few days, the longest 10 days. either i would call him or he would call me. gosh its been so long i can't remember. so during this time, he got legally separated (happened about 1.5 yrs. into the relationship).

 

there was a period of about 2 years where he did not leave. during all this, his wife sold their first house, then she sold her second house just recently.

 

so, the problem is.... i know he loves me terribly, but is so full of guilt for the kids and i know for her as well. she knew about me, knows about me and has always taken him back. i can't understand why? i had people say to me, you're stupid too for taking him back, but i know he does not run from me... he gets so full of guilt and can't get over the fact his perfect family dream is not going to happen.

 

really i am not trying to be insult her, but we have spoken in the past and she is very needy and i think she gives him guilt trips because she can not get on with her life? how does a woman take a man back when she knows he loves another woman and has been with this other woman for four years already, lives with her.

 

so there was a time the divorce papers were filed and it was just a matter of days before the judge signed off and i broke up with him. i just could not take his moodiness and depressed state anymore. he was mean and disengaged. we both cried so much. i know he felt relief because then he could go back and not be torn. he said he would not be happy but do it for the children. this happened over the summer time. when i told him i found another man, he went back to his wife, she took him back of course and they stopped the divorce.

 

meanwhile, the apt. we lived in he kept. he did not give it up. he wanted to know he had this place just in case i came back to him or he could not take that life and lie anymore.

 

i knew if i wanted to go back with him he would be there. there is not a doubt in my mind that we are desperately in love. i could not really forget about him during the three month separation and eventually we got back together. he left her again. we were so happy to be reunited, like we could not stop crying and leave each other to go to work even.

 

being together again for 3 months now and he feels the guilt again. i can't help but feel its the wife who just can not move on. she will admit it, she has no self esteem and can not let go of her family. she is forever acting like a victim and the poor little puppy.

 

i do understand and felt bad for her in the beginning, but i will not and can not deny, we are totally in love. he has says over and over again, if he did not have kids, this would be a slam dunk.

 

he says he is not going to leave me and does not want me to let him go. again, he would like for me to break up with him, so his guilt would be gone because he would go back to her, although miss me and long to be with me. he says he is not miserable there, his kids are there and she does not bother him, but happy, not really. does he like going home to here, no. when he is with her, he goes to the gym and out with his friends a lot and even bought a boat to be able to get out of the house. when we are together we are always together. we look forward to coming home to see each other. he calls me about 5 times a day. we do everything together.

 

shoot i am just up in arms. i told him i will let him do all his crazy things while he works through this with himself, meanwhile i am feeling hurt and somewhat betrayed because i feel he is lying to me about his feelings (telling me things are fine when he is quiet and feeling sorry for himself about not having that perfect family). he says he is working on the divorce, but who knows. i think he's scared, scared of what? me leaving him after he gets the divorce? this has all got to work out right? i mean how could it not.

 

why can't people just recognize sometimes that people fall out of love and therefore there is no marriage. why does someone have to be the bad person? when you marry someone does that mean you should stay with them even when you fall out of love, is that what society wants? doesn't his wife want to be with someone who wants to come home to her?

 

has anyone gone through this?

 

i know several people on their second marriage and they are very happy. now if they never got their first divorce it would have never happened for the.

 

isn't life a journey, not a destination and good things happen along the way and bad, which is why we can recognize and enjoy the good?

[Tony T]

1. "why can't people just recognize sometimes that people fall out of love and therefore there is no marriage. why does someone have to be the bad person?"

 

People don't fall out of love. They make the decision not to love a person any longer. Falling in love is a decision...and falling out is a decision we make.

 

Marriage is about a lot more than love. It's about committment. People who are committed to it understand that love is like a fire in the fireplace...it does flicker out now and then and stays that way unless the two people do what is necessary to strip up the fire and rekindle the flames. People nowadays are lazy.

 

Some do marry the wrong people...and really aren't in love to begin with. Some just want somebody new. We live in a society where people are programmed to want new stuff all the time.

 

Nobody has to be the bad person but most people are a little nuts and irrational, especially when it comes to emotional stuff. A divorce is a powerfully emotional event for most people, especially where children are involved.

 

2. " when you marry someone does that mean you should stay with them even when you fall out of love, is that what society wants?"

 

It used to be that people made committments and kept them. They gave their word to their own personal deity to make things work. Today, it's pretty much an idea of staying with the person until it's no longer convenient or favorable to do so.

 

3. "doesn't his wife want to be with someone who wants to come home to her?"

 

Of course. But right now, she's going through a lot of feelings of rejection, loss and especially ugly feelings about the loss of her children's full time father. There's a lot she is losing here.

 

4. "has anyone gone through this?"

 

Thousands of times a day all over the world.

 

5. "i know several people on their second marriage and they are very happy. now if they never got their first divorce it would have never happened for the."

 

All sorts of things happen. There are also very many people who get divorced from their second partner. Divorce is widespread and there are no guarantees of the success of marriage, regardless of which one it is.

 

6. "isn't life a journey, not a destination and good things happen along the way and bad, which is why we can recognize and enjoy the good?"

 

You seem to have a pretty good handle on it. But put yourself in your lover's wife's position. She's still in love with a man who is leaving her and her children for another woman. That's pretty taxing mentally, she feels no control over the situation...but she'll get used to it in time.

 

This is emotionally packed stuff we're talking about.

[Lynne]

I know what its like to feel what you're feeling and what he's feeling too.

 

Here's my story. I was married for 8 years. My husband was good to me. We had no children. I do know if i would have had children it would have made it much harder to leave the first time. We were apart for 3 years and i dated other men and was even engaged to one. My ex laid guilt on me that was unbelieveable. He said he would never find someone as good as me, he would never love anyone else, no one else would ever love me like he did. I came back. But i did it for him not for me.

 

Even though i got the divorce, marriage is alot more than a peice of paper. I came from a family who doesn't believe in divorce. I had made this vow. For sickness and health, in good times and bad. The good times are few and far between now. When you're married to someone for that long it becomes more than just wedding vows. They become your family. I would hate to think that my ex was sick or that he really needed me and i wasn't there for him. Im sure he loves his wife just like i love my ex. You really can love someone without being "in love" with them.

 

I met a man last year who i think i've been waiting my whole life for. He's married. Has 2 kids. Very small kids. I love him and want to be with him. He has left his wife with no intentions of ever going back but the divorce isen't final yet. He is having a very hard time with me still living with me ex. Says he can't stand the thought of me being in the same house as him. I tell him im not sleeping with him and really all we do is live together but it still hurts him.

 

I can say for sure that i don't think he will wait on me like you are waiting on the man you love. I know if i leave i will be glad to be gone but then the guilt comes. Do you know how you said that he keeps going back to her and everytime he comes back to you? She is probably looking at it the same way. He's always going back to her too. And i'm sure everytime he goes back he tells her it will all be fine. And she believes him just like you believe him. And i'm sure he has no idea what he's doing.

 

I am sure his heart is ripped to shreds. I'm not sure i'm helping or not but i know what i have learned. Nothing in life is easy. It's all confusing and it's hard. And if you really love this man then enjoy the time you have with him. I'm sure he loves you or he wouldn't keep putting himself through all of this. When i'm with the guy i met i just try to forget about everything else. I want to remember forever the touch of his hands, the softness of his kiss, the way he smells.

 

I wish you all of the luck in the world. People should not judge you until they have been in your shoes.

[Kat]

She is clingy and needy because he keeps taking him back....ok then so what does that make you??

[Just A Girl2]

okay, the reason i say this is because it just does not work, for both of us, being separated i mean.

 

What do you mean? He's left you plenty of times, surely you're no stranger to being separated. And really now....if you refuse to split up with him, and you don't want anyone here to advise you to do so, then what are you here looking for? There's no 'magic' solution to your saga.

 

met a guy 4 years ago, when i met him he had already moved out of his house, moved out from his wife and two children (now 8 and 10). when i say love at first sight it was, well after a few words actually.

 

First mistake: getting involved with someone who hadn't fully dealt with his past relationship (marriage). It's very risky business, getting involved with someone who's "only separated"....in fact, most people who know anything about relationships will tell you that you shouldn't even get involved with someone who's newly divorced, until a good 6 months has passed. Their marriage may have sucked, but the end of a marriage is a loss..and any loss requires a grieving process.

 

Second mistake: thinking that you can fall in love with someone at first sight. Falling in "true love" with someone can only happen with time, and spending time together, and really getting to know each other.....knowing them during their good times and their bad times.....learning their little idiosyncracies and loving them despite them. What you experienced wasn't love...it was infatuation or lust.

 

. we got back together and since then we started living together and he left me about 10x to go back to his family, mind you, him always saying it was because of the kids, which i do believe.

 

So 2 months after he's "all in love" with you, he leaves you for his WIFE (I say 'wife' because legally and in the eyes of the law/God, she was (and is) still his wife)......then another 10x after that. Hun, that ain't love. And that's not someone who's going back due to guilt or "because of their kids." That may have been what he TOLD you, but that's not the case. He loved his wife then, and he still loves her now. You need to stop being so delusional, seriously. When you're married to someone, and you have 2 children with them, that's a strong bond...one that's not easily broken. You're his distraction.......you're his escape from the real world (family, family responsibilities, etc)...you're his "fun" and his side-dish. Sorry to inform you.

 

so, the problem is.... i know he loves me terribly, but is so full of guilt for the kids and i know for her as well. she knew about me, knows about me and has always taken him back. i can't understand why?

 

Loves you terribly? When you love someone terribly, you don't go running back to your wife. YOu don't suffer with all this confusion. You don't BS your girlfriend and tell her you only go back for the kids, or due to a sense of guilt. You are quite guillible. Men will say anything to justify this kind of thing......their love for their wife and not being able to fully let go, but their desire to have their "mistress" or "fun girl".......some say they won't divorce because wife will take them to the cleaners, some will say wife is very unstable and they feel obligated to take care of her, there's a whole sh*tload of good excuses they give.

 

And YOU wonder why SHE took him back? Wow, that's a pretty arrogant statement. The question should be, why have YOU taken him back a dozen times or more??? She has a long history with him..years of memories, 2 children they created together out of love.........they were a family. You don't even know for sure why he moved out originally from her.....you've only ever heard HIS side of the story..wonder what she'd say?

 

Why would YOU put up with a guy who can't make up his mind.....who goes back to his wife, no doubt has lots of sex and intimacy with her (what, you think he sleeps on the couch?)....who can't break free from her........look in the mirror and ask YOURSELF the question. You've been together with him now for what, 2-3 yrs or more? If things were so great between you, and you were both so terribly 'in love' with each other, you wouldn't even be here posting. Right?

 

so there was a time the divorce papers were filed and it was just a matter of days before the judge signed off and i broke up with him. i just could not take his moodiness and depressed state anymore. he was mean and disengaged. we both cried so much. i know he felt relief because then he could go back and not be torn. he said he would not be happy but do it for the children. this happened over the summer time. when i told him i found another man, he went back to his wife, she took him back of course and they stopped the divorce.

 

Hey,if you want to believe he stopped the divorce proceedings and went BACK TO HIS WIFE because of YOU supposedly being with someone new, I have a bridge to sell you.

 

Um, and the reason he was moody and disengaged was because even though the divorce was filed, it's not what he really wanted.....and it bothered him, and he maybe wasn't sure how to stop it.......and he took his frustrations and fear and hurt out on you because he really wanted to be with his wife instead only he didn't know how to undo what was done. Get it?

 

meanwhile, the apt. we lived in he kept. he did not give it up. he wanted to know he had this place just in case i came back to him or he could not take that life and lie anymore.

 

OMG! Don't you think you were worth more than this? Not a lot of self respect here.......if people treat us like doormats and take advantage of us, it's because we let them. He's never HAD to make a decision because you'll always take him back. So, he's always been able to have his cake and eat it too.

 

 

he left her again. we were so happy to be reunited, like we could not stop crying and leave each other to go to work even.

 

being together again for 3 months now and he feels the guilt again. i can't help but feel its the wife who just can not move on. she will admit it, she has no self esteem and can not let go of her family. she is forever acting like a victim and the poor little puppy

 

This sounds like a really bad soap opera. So happy to be reunited but now he's feeling GUILT AGAIN? LOL Wakey wakey. It's not guilt, hun.....he's still in love with his wife, but you are a distraction that he can't break free from......and if anything, you BOTH need to tell him to p*ss off and come back when he's totally made up his mind.....nevermind that, he shouldn't be the one who has the power to decide, both of YOU should make a decision.....to let go of his confused, lying arse.

 

And SHE has no self esteem? Girlfriend....what about you? You're the one who keeps taking a man back who's gone back to his wife over a dozen times....who lives in supposed "guilt".....who's no closer to getting a divorce and starting a REAL life with you than I am to fly to the moon.

 

And so what if she can't let go OF HER FAMILY! Damn rights! If you had a husband and children and a family, maybe you'd have a small clue about what a huge bond that is. She's still his wife, for God's sake.......she has every right in the world to want to bring her family back together. Geez you are very narrowminded.

 

 

he says he is not going to leave me and does not want me to let him go. again, he would like for me to break up with him, so his guilt would be gone because he would go back to her, although miss me and long to be with me.

 

Notice the contradiction here? He says he's not going to leave you on one hand, but wishes you'd break up with him so the guilt would end and he'd GO BACK WITH HER. Are you just really young or what?

 

 

he says he is not miserable there, his kids are there and she does not bother him, but happy, not really. does he like going home to here, no. when he is with her, he goes to the gym and out with his friends a lot and even bought a boat to be able to get out of the house.

 

Of COURSE He's not miserable there LMAO! You are just incredibly naive and guillible. Of COURSE he's going to tell you he's not really happy there, and that he doesn't like going home....but you can bet your bottom dollar that they sleep in the same bed and have sex....and girl, it ain't out of guilt. And you believe this crap that he's not there a lot of the time (out with friends, at the gym, etc).......again, I have a bridge I can sell you.

 

Your best bet would be to muster up some self respect and integrity...and leave this married man to work on sort things out at home. The longer you're in the picture, the less he's able to do this, because he knows he can always run back to you........away from the responsibilities of his family, away from the stress of bills and driving kids to soccer practice and doing yardwork on Saturday............

 

You really need to wake up.

 

Find yourself a man who's truly single..........who's not full of sh*t........who's dealt with his baggage fully..............who's not going back and forth like a yoyo.