My disgusting lies and unfaithfulness

[FoolishandCrazy]

About a month ago, my (now) ex found out that I was chatting with girls I met on an internet dating site. Some may think, "Hey, chatting isn't really bad". But it hurt her so much, I feel like I might as well had sex with another person. It was the intention of my actions and the lies that were so wrong.

 

Let's make matters worse, this is the second time it has happened within a year. The first time she was going to be out of town and I had some stupid initiative to "get it out of my system" and emailed a girl to come stay with me while she was gone.

 

We were together for over 2 years and lived together for almost 1. There are a good many factors and variables in our past relationship that might or might not make a difference, but I don't want to base this on "what if"s. Now I could explain why I did what I did, which doesn't mean it was ok. It was wrong, terrible and disgusting what I did. But for now I will spare you the details. If you really want to know, then you can ask or PM me if it exists on here (I don't know, I'm new here).

 

Here are the cold hard facts:

 

We are not together anymore

It is over between us (She has her life and I have mine)

She does not trust me

She does not want to work things out

 

Those are things that cannot be denied. No matter what or why, those are her decisions. I cannot change her mind and accept that I royally f*cked up and must deal with my consequences. I begged and pleaded to her that I changed and I would never do it again but her mind was made up.

 

Yet some reason, I feel like there is still a chance. A small tiny one, but it's there. What I'm going to say isn't fact, just a feeling. When I was reading her body language when she tried to explain to me that it was over, she seemed a little unsure. She couldn't look at me directly in the eyes to tell me what she was feeling and kept looking at the floor. Again I have to acknowledge that she still made that decision. She said to me "Now I'm going to be selfish and only think for myself" which is understandable especially with what I did.

 

I did my best to avoid her because I thought she didn't even want to be in the same room as me. She said to me "actions speak louder than words" so I thought avoiding might show her that I still care about her enough to go out of my way to make her comfortable.

 

Well we eventually ran into each other at an event and I freaked out. I didn't know she was going to be there because she usually has work around that time. I saw how much fun she was having and how happy she looked, I wasn't sure what to do. Me being the foolish idiot that I am, came to her and went to talk to her. Two things I said which probably made me sound stupid "I thought you were at work so I thought you wouldn't be here" and "If I make you uncomfortable, you can tell me and I will leave". She just repsonded in a calm tone that she was just looking for her friends. After a short conversation, I didn't want her to feel obligated to leave so I excused myself and said "Well I was leaving anyways, I'll see you later". She looked at me and took out her hand to shake mine. It was so awkward.

 

I was about to leave, but then I had some crazy impulse to tell her something. So I turned around and talked to her privately. I again said "I didn't know you were going to be here". She said "It's okay, you don't have to go out of your way to avoid me. We are bound to run into each other". Fair enough. But then I said something that I now feel was selfish. I said "There have been a lot of things I have been thinking about and I am starting to realize that I want to share with you. But not here, I don't want to ruin your day. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I just want you to at least know that I have more to say". She just nodded her head or said "Okay". I can't remember. I tried to change the mood and gave her a smile saying "It looked like you were having a lot of fun out there. I'm glad you are having a good time". After saying goodbye, I left.

 

Later on, my friend sent me a message saying that after I left, she was crying. I have my own ideas (good and bad) why she was crying, but I'll leave that open.

 

Right now, I feel selfish for wanting so badly to try to make things work. I think about what I have done to her and accept that I have no right to ask for another chance. I have been seeing a counsellor not for advice to get her back. But to overcome my problems within myself because I think it was something inside me that lead to all of this. I have been vigorously challenging myself and diving deep into my problems to change and become a better person for myself.

 

I think we might be at this stage of being civil yet on guard with each other. I have been so selfish with asking for so much from her. Asking for another chance, asking her to listen to what I have to say when she shouldn't even be concerned with anything about me. It is her decision and her life which I try so hard to respect.

 

I would like to preach to the world how much I love her and how much she means to me. But my actions don't really say that. If I loved her so much, then why did I hurt her? If she meant so much to me, then why I did I talk to other women? These are questions I have confronted and talked to with my counsellor.

 

I have given myself a date on the calendar to try to find SOMETHING that might tell me if something is there or not. If I run into her, I don't even want to bring up what happened to her, it seems like she has moved on and doesn't want to be concerned with the past. I just want to appreciate her as a person, a person that I still deeply care for. Just be friendly and have a few laughs if that's possible. But it is hard to fight my feelings for her, I do my best to respect the boundaries she has put up. I have no idea how or when we would run into each other unless by chance. She has been very busy with work lately.

 

A lot of my friends have told me to move on with my life and just trust in fate what may or may not happen. "If it's meant to be, then things will work out". Maybe I'm still in denial and just plain stubborn. But I feel like there might still be something there. The only thing I feel I can really do though is give it time.

[LN99]

Sorry to tell you this, but I think its doubtful you will ever get back together with her. My ex did the same thing to me...and well the trust was gone after that. I just couldn't turn the other way while he did that or ignore the fact that he did. Plus if he lied about it once, what makes me think it wouldn't happen again? And yes, if she is upset after running into you, thats normal. But don't assume its because she wants to get back together with you. You hurt her and if anything, this situation should teach you a lesson for the future. Don't do what you did ever again.