Would you give her your password?

[Miss_Bee]

Say that you caught your boyfriend/girlfriend in contact with their ex-bf/gf that they cheated on you with, not only cheated on you with, but also promised you that there would be no more contact....

 

If this happened to you, would you want to know your bf/gf's password for their email?

 

Would it be wrong to ask for it? or Would it be wrong of them not to give it to you?

 

Obviously seeing that there are trust issues, shouldn't the person that was caught in contact with the ex, feel obligated to make his/her gf feel at ease by giving them their password?

 

What would you do if you were denied that password? Especially after you offer to give them yours?

[Citizen Erased]

I think if it is important when re-building trust then yes it should be done. If they have nothing to hide then there should be no problem. They forfeited the right to keep things private when they cheated, the least they can do is agree to something which will make you feel secure.

[Miss_Bee]

Yes, Coco i agree.

 

The main arguement of not giving the password was because privacy was needed. But i really don't care to read his emails. All I want is a piece of mind.

 

My mind keeps going wandering back to it. Did she email him back? Does he have her email saved in his account?

 

I'm curious if i'm being too possesive, or if my feelings are natural. Some other experiences or opinions would be nice.

[Krytellan]

Say that you caught your boyfriend/girlfriend in contact with their ex-bf/gf that they cheated on you with, not only cheated on you with, but also promised you that there would be no more contact....

 

If this happened to you, would you want to know your bf/gf's password for their email?

 

Actually no. What's the point. They have already broken their word a second time by getting back in touch after saying they wouldn't. I would leave her. Flat out. No explanations. He/she DOES NOT respect you or your feelings.

[Miss_Bee]

Actually no. What's the point. They have already broken their word a second time by getting back in touch after saying they wouldn't. I would leave her. Flat out. No explanations. He/she DOES NOT respect you or your feelings.

 

He just doesn't understand. This has been the whole downfall of our relationship. He doesn't see how them being friends makes me feel so betrayed.

[LakesideDream]

Happily you are both young, moving on isn't a huge deal. With the level of mistrust and betrayal you describe, there isn't much to "save" anyway.

 

Enjoy your youth, don't stay in situations that are uncomfortable to you. There is plenty of time for that when you are 35, married, with two kids, trying to keep the wolves off the door.

 

Good luck.

[a4a]

I believe Miss Bee has kids and has another cooking.

[LN99]

As someone who has caught their ex doing this in the past. I would say Dump HIM and move on! Once that trust is gone, its gone. Plus, you know he is still doing it. So therefore eliminate your worries of living on edge and constantly wondering if he talked to her today or not and DUMP HIM! Find a guy who deserves your trust.

[dbtmarley]

As someone who has caught their ex doing this in the past. I would say Dump HIM and move on! Once that trust is gone, its gone. Plus, you know he is still doing it. So therefore eliminate your worries of living on edge and constantly wondering if he talked to her today or not and DUMP HIM! Find a guy who deserves your trust.

 

Very well said...

 

If I had to ask for the password it would be because I no longer have trust in them anymore. Besides, even if he gives you his password he can still have anoher email account you do not know about. This is probably killing you inside.... it's almost like losing a piece of your dignity in the process. You were the victim and you suffered enough... it is time to lay the law down!

[Miss_Bee]

Well, He has cut the contact down to nothing in the past 4 months.

 

He had phoned her mom on Mother's day to give her a message that he was sorry for telling her that he couldn't speak to her anymore the way he did (he left a message on her machine).

 

He never informed me that he was going to call her mom... He said that there wasn't any point to telling me. That i wouldn't have been able to handle it.

 

I still don't know WHY he gave her mom his email. I got 2 different stories, one being that his mom wanted to keep in touch, two that he had alot more that he wanted to say to his ex. I found the email address saved under the internet favorites menu. I was shocked when i seen this so i broke into his email. I know this was wrong, but i needed to see what was said.

 

I handled it badly to say the least. When he got home I left immediatley. When i came back we got into a huge fight. He said he was going to tell me about the email, and he was going to reply to her and let me read it but i never gave him the chance because i stormed out.

 

We eventually made up and came to a comprimise.

 

But i'm still plagued with wondering, I hate this feeling. I just don't know what to do about it.

[Diamonds&Rust]

I don't think there's ever a situation that warrants someone else having the password to your private e-mail.

 

Also, I don't think being able to read his e-mail would be as helpful as you think it would.

[Pyro]

Say that you caught your boyfriend/girlfriend in contact with their ex-bf/gf that they cheated on you with, not only cheated on you with, but also promised you that there would be no more contact....

 

If this happened to you, would you want to know your bf/gf's password for their email?

 

Would it be wrong to ask for it? or Would it be wrong of them not to give it to you?

 

Obviously seeing that there are trust issues, shouldn't the person that was caught in contact with the ex, feel obligated to make his/her gf feel at ease by giving them their password?

 

What would you do if you were denied that password? Especially after you offer to give them yours?

 

I think that the first and best thing that should be done is to just break-up with him, but if that is not what you want, then yes I think that he should have his email account open to you. The trust is already gone and if he ever wants you to gain any small amount of it back, then I would suggest to him to not have anything that can be kept from you.

 

A few years back after my ex cheated on me, I wanted to go to counciling and I basically had to pull her by the arm to go. We went and the counciler even suggested that. He suggested for both of us to have an "open door policy", meaning no secrets and no hiding stuff from each other, but she was unwilling to do that and that was one of the things that ended the relationship.

[pennyjosix]

I actually asked my bf for his pw to everything online after he had lied about being in contact with his ex more than I approved of. At first he said he would feel more comfortable regaining my trust in another way but eventually gave them to me because he decided I was more important than having a semi-friendship with his ex. Like someone else earlier said, if he has nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a problem.

 

Also, if you want to try to make this work then try and make it work. There is no point to live in regret of, "Could that have worked out?" No, he is not treating you fairly, and it would be completely justifiable if you left; however, you have to do what is going to make you happy or what you think will make you happy. Good luck.

[GregsBad]

Say that you caught your boyfriend/girlfriend in contact with their ex-bf/gf that they cheated on you with, not only cheated on you with, but also promised you that there would be no more contact....

 

If this happened to you, would you want to know your bf/gf's password for their email?

 

Would it be wrong to ask for it? or Would it be wrong of them not to give it to you?

 

Obviously seeing that there are trust issues, shouldn't the person that was caught in contact with the ex, feel obligated to make his/her gf feel at ease by giving them their password?

 

What would you do if you were denied that password? Especially after you offer to give them yours?

 

If you demand to know the password and get it ... you have only closed off one of many ways he/she can deceive you.

 

Spend $40 or $50 on a keybord capture spyware and then snoop without him/her knowing (after you steal the password).

 

or

 

Let it go and trust him/her (as if)

 

or

 

Break up - stupid.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with the keylogger if you really need this proof. Don't forget that there's a ton of non-home computer based emails such as gmail and other forms of communication such as IM.

 

I needed the hard proof because I couldn't make such an important decision in my life based on gut instinct.

[GregsBad]

From a guys viewpoint ...

 

If you we're my sister telling me about you're b/f just being friends with his ex g/f, then I'd tell you the truth ... being my sister and all.

I'd tell you he's banging her.

 

But if you're NOT my sister then I'd say, "sure, go ahead and trust him with his ex-gf"

 

But OK - here's the truth anyway ...

 

If I had an ex - and the sex was good ...

There's no such thing as we're just going to just talk and be friends ...

We're going to to have sex.

 

If I had an ex - and the sex just so-so ...

Well ... there's no bad pizza - ok

We're going to to have sex.

 

My point is ... he can't be just friends with his ex.

[IpAncA]

A few years back after my ex cheated on me, I wanted to go to counciling and I basically had to pull her by the arm to go. We went and the counciler even suggested that. He suggested for both of us to have an "open door policy", meaning no secrets and no hiding stuff from each other, but she was unwilling to do that and that was one of the things that ended the relationship.

 

That's a good reason to end it.

 

Actually no. What's the point. They have already broken their word a second time by getting back in touch after saying they wouldn't. I would leave her. Flat out. No explanations. He/she DOES NOT respect you or your feelings.

 

I'm agreeing with this also.

 

Contact should stop and if it doesn't, well IMO it says what they think of the relationship.

[Miss_Bee]

I think that the first and best thing that should be done is to just break-up with him, but if that is not what you want, then yes I think that he should have his email account open to you. The trust is already gone and if he ever wants you to gain any small amount of it back, then I would suggest to him to not have anything that can be kept from you.

 

A few years back after my ex cheated on me, I wanted to go to counciling and I basically had to pull her by the arm to go. We went and the counciler even suggested that. He suggested for both of us to have an "open door policy", meaning no secrets and no hiding stuff from each other, but she was unwilling to do that and that was one of the things that ended the relationship.

 

I really like the open door policy idea. I offered to give him my password, unfortunatley he wouldn't agree to it. His comprimise was if i'm feeling insecure or worried if he's emailing her, then i ask to see his inbox... That's basically it.

 

We are going to start councilling very soon, so maybe this will help him to see why i need the "privacy issues" with him to stop.

[Pyro]

I really like the open door policy idea. I offered to give him my password, unfortunatley he wouldn't agree to it. His comprimise was if i'm feeling insecure or worried if he's emailing her, then i ask to see his inbox... That's basically it.

 

We are going to start councilling very soon, so maybe this will help him to see why i need the "privacy issues" with him to stop.

 

Its like what someone else already mentioned: if he has nothing to hide then he shouldn't have a problem doing this. He has lied to you many of times, of course you are going to feel insecure and not be able to trust him. If he really wants to make things work for the better, then earning your trust back should be his number one priority.

[Miss_Bee]

Its like what someone else already mentioned: if he has nothing to hide then he shouldn't have a problem doing this. He has lied to you many of times, of course you are going to feel insecure and not be able to trust him. If he really wants to make things work for the better, then earning your trust back should be his number one priority.

 

His reason for not giving me his pw was , he doesn't want me reading his emails... which i have told him that i don't care to read his emails. I just want reasurrance... a piece of mind.

 

I can't help but think about it. It's been eating at me. All the more to talk to the councillor about i suppose.

[underpants]

If you can have a future without this guy I would break.

 

Yes, we all have ex's and sometimes the random contact is neccessary but your gut is talking to you for a reason. I wished I would have listened to mine.

 

Someone who is unyielding to your feelings, or stubborn about their way when it hurts you ....regardless of the issue. This rings of bad communication and selfishness. A bigger red flag may be waving in the distance.

 

Make good choices girl.

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't think having the password would accomplish much. As others have stated, he could have multiple email accounts and could just use another one. Even using the current email account, he could delete the emails from the inbox, delete them from the sent folder, and even the deleted items folder.

 

I don't advocate a keylogger program, but that would be the only way I know of to be sure the home computer isn't being used for contact. BUT then he could use a phone. I can delete calls from the call logs. I don't see any way of ensuring there is no contact with her. He could use a work computer, or a library computer, or a pay phone. If a person wants to deceive there are too many ways to do it. I'm sure I could get away with contact if I wanted to and was very careful.

 

Once trust is broken, I firmly believe it is the expectation of the partner who broke the trust to reestablish it in any way the betrayed partner feels is necessary or makes them more comfortable. I have nothing to hide in my email account, my phone, or anywhere else. Sure, I share personal problems and feelings with people through these medias, but I also share them with the person my feelings are tied to, so there would be nothing to read that they haven't already been made aware of.

 

The thing with contacting her Mom - I would believe the justifications and reasons more easily if he had told you before, not after you found evidence. That makes it come across as covering his tracks once caught and deflecting the real issue (contacting the ex through her Mom) back at you through anger at your invasion of privacy (breaking into his email.) His transgression led to yours, not the other way around. Action = reaction.

[Miss_Bee]

Hi guys,

 

Thank you all for your input.

 

My bf gave me his passwords today, he did it begrudgingly... but he did it nontheless. He didn't care to know mine, but i gave it to him anyway.

 

As for him finding other means to contact her, I don't think that he'd go so far as to go to the library or a pay phone. It just doesn't seem like something that he'd do.

 

 

The thing with contacting her Mom - I would believe the justifications and reasons more easily if he had told you before, not after you found evidence. That makes it come across as covering his tracks once caught and deflecting the real issue (contacting the ex through her Mom) back at you through anger at your invasion of privacy (breaking into his email.) His transgression led to yours, not the other way around. Action = reaction.

 

DDL: I have tried to explain this to him, but he just wouldn't hear me. He tells me that he never went behind my back... But he doesn't understand that him calling her mom to give her a message is exactly what that was. Also that it's much harder to believe when finding out after the email address was found. He doesn't UNDERSTAND that.

 

He said that apologizing to her was the last bit of communication that he felt he needed to have with her. The last glitch on his screen so to speak. So this is the end of it. Until i can deal and am ready to deal with them having a friendship.

 

Thank you all for your words of advice and support.