Introduction: new F to L relationship and dealing with fears

[VnusMars]

Allow me to introduce myself to the F&L board!

I'm glad to be here, really, because it means one thing...

I have recently started a romantic relationship with my best friend.

 

I'll leave out all the gory details, but suffice to say the nutshell is this:

I was married for 7 years. My wife and I did very bad things to each other, and after 2 years of therapy and introspection and trying to sort it all out, we divorced and went our separate ways.

About 4 years before, I had met "Theresa" at my new job. We became very casual friends - then the company folded and I didn't see her again and only heard from her every 6 months or so.

Fast-forward 3 years - my wife and I had separated, I was dealing with all that and trying to rebuild my life, and Theresa sends her 6-month email saying her boyfriend of 5 years decided to move out of the country and abandon the relationship. We get together and help support and console each other and quickly become very close friends - but still quite platonic. After my divorce, I started dating someone, her boyfriend came back and they tried to work it out, they didn't, she started dating someone else, etc. - and through it all we developed a very deep and respectful platonic friendship that was honest and healthy for us and for our partners.

 

After awhile, though, I began to realize that I had feelings for her that I did not feel for my girlfriend. It hit me when I realized "I say 'I love you' to Theresa but not my GF, how does that work?" Of course I meant "love" in a different way, but it was still true.

After thinking about it for a short time, I realized I needed to do the right thing - so I broke it off with my girlfriend and said "if it's meant to happen with Theresa, it will happen" and I started a single life. I dated a bit, cognizant of my feelings for Theresa but also respectful of the guy she had started dating, and all was well.

 

 

 

April 29, 2007, at precisely 11:45pm, the bomb dropped.

Theresa and I were having drinks after a show (we're both musicians and had performed together) and she mentioned how all of our friends think we should be together. I asked her "so why aren't we together?" And that started a whirlwind of emotion and confession that ended with us deciding to give it a try.

 

Mind you, when she said "all our friends think we should be together," she wasn't kidding, and I was getting the same thing from my side. She told me her catalyst was when her best girlfriend said "are you blind? You two are in love with each other and you'd better start recognizing that!"

Once our friends did hear that we are now together, they were ecstatic, naturally

 

So, hence the April 29 discussion...she brought it up, even though I was the one who had been consciously harboring feelings for a longer time.

 

The past 3 weeks has only been 3 weeks, but it's been an amazing, fabulous, and rewarding trip so far. I have loved this girl for a long time, and I've known her better than anyone for at least 2 years, so I know I'm not coming from ignorance or "head in the clouds" romantic bliss. This is for real. Without jumping the gun or overstepping my sense of reality, I could spend the rest of my life with this girl.

And that is part of what made her finally take the leap - we have made a promise that we can stay in each others' lives even if it doesn't work out romantically - yes, that's easy to say now and a tall order considering, but I'm optimistic, because it really is up to us to determine how to deal with it. And even if that's not practical and we would end up going separate ways, at least she needs to believe that won't happen to give herself permission to pursue the relationship.

 

But...I find myself getting scared and lonely sometimes.

And I know that's all my fault, some lingering sense of co-dependence that I've always had in past relationships (including my previous marriage).

 

My thoughts run the gamut of...

She is completely fantastic and beautiful and successful - what is she doing with me? Is she going to change her mind? She hasn't called or written today, is she not interested anymore? Those types of irrational fears cross my mind at least once a day.

 

She probably is more apprehensive right now than she will be once our relationship really develops - she did tell me this once before, that I should be patient with her because this is all so overwhelming and new to her, she may come off a bit aloof at times. That's OK, I can wait - I've waited this long, I can wait a bit longer.

 

I tell myself - that's OK - that's how a strong relationship works - two people who are independent, strong and stable, and choose to be together...they don't NEED constant validation or attention, they don't need to sacrifice their life for the sake of the other. I know that's true, but then the fearful feeling doesn't go away all the time.

 

We have all the time in the world to develop our love, and I'm trying to be patient with that, but sometimes it's hard.

 

So - I guess I'm mostly trying to convince myself as opposed to getting any advice, so thanks for reading.

[VnusMars]

I don't know what I'm worrying about, so I'm going to stop.

There, done.

 

I saw Theresa last night - we were sitting in the car talking and she said something that made all the difference in the world...

 

"We were friends for so long before we became a couple, I never wonder how you really feel about me."

 

Well, duh.

So why am I wondering how she feels about me?

 

This is not a girl who says things lightly, or tells lies...she always means exactly what she says, and I've known and respected this facet of her for a long time now.

So if she says she loves me, and shows it, then what am I worrying about?

 

I feel a bit bad, because by worrying about this, in a way, I'm not trusting her or believing her, and if there's anyone I trust or believe in, it's her.

 

I suppose it's knowing what a fantastic woman she is and what a great relationship we already have and can have later, I fear losing her, even though I know I never will. And that fear is making me worry, making me try too hard, making me slightly clingy. And I recognize that being too overboard is exactly what WILL make me lose her.

 

I've had moments of clarity and peace just knowing that what IS happening IS happening, I need to focus on those and see the doubts and fears as unwelcome intruders into my thoughts, and as vestiges of insecurity and self-esteem issues that I have worked hard to kill off.

 

All is well. We'll be just fine