He says I lied, But I don't think I did..??

[behappy999]

We got into it tonight because we were having a sort of deep discussion trying to get to know each other better....

 

When we first started dating, the topic of eating disorders came up and he asked if I had ever had one...at the time i denied it because it was early on and not something i felt like discussing.. well it was brought up again and I feel close enough to him now to share it with him.. even though the whole eating disorder thing (for me personally) was not a traumatizing or huge thing. In fact under the definitions of eating disorders (as far as how long the behavior has to go on to be considered one), it was not even technically an "eating disorder"

 

Either way, he got all angry and we're going to bed mad because he claims I "lied" to him.. and I said it wasn't a huge deal and he said "I guess lying isn't a big deal to you" Ugh I hate him saying that, even though I suppose I sort of did in a way but only because at the time that was not something I had wanted to talk about.

 

Not only that but he has lied to my face a few times already, a couple little white lies that didn't bother me much and another one that actually sort of hurt my feelings-- all of which I blew off, even though they made me scratch my head and sort of question him and why he would..?

 

So tomorrow I'm afraid we're going to fight and he's going to accuse me of being a liar. I'm sorry but I am far from that--I would never lie to him now as far as where I was going/with who/when/etc. But something about my past I didn't feel like talking about at the time? Not even that but I think anyones past is not subject to be shared unless it has to do with the persons health-- it's none of their business anyways! I understood I "lied" about the eating disorder thing.. and I feel sooo sick to my stomach about it. but in my eyes I don't think that's reason to question MY character? the past is the past and he should be happy I even decided to open up about it.

 

What do you all think and should I bring up the few lies he's told me to put it in perspective for him??

[Diamonds&Rust]

Tell him that it was none of his business, and still isn't.

[dbtmarley]

I agree with the poster above somewhat. Things that have occurred out of his and your control before this relationship shouldn't hold such a determining factor as to he getting angry about this.

 

But I want to give you a different perspective because this is something I have done in past relationships and I even tried it with my fiance who I love very much!

 

Please excuse me, but I have to give you the story to show what I did and how it was similar to what your boyfriend did.

 

A month after dating, my fiance and I decided to become exclusive. We started talking about past events in our lives and needlessly talked about some of the ex's. Well during the conversation one fellow was brought up who is now enjoying a stay in the prison system. It was a messy relationship to say the least and when she was telling me some of the stuff I know she could tell it was a little unsettling.

 

One night while looking through her yearbooks from high school we came across some of the letters her and the guy shared while he was in prison. These are all from 2-2 1/2 years ago before we met. I could tell by the letters it was clear they were in love. I also saw where it said she would wait for him no matter what.

 

She told me all this.... except the part of her telling him she would wait no matter what. This instantly put fear in me. I know I should not have looked at them, but I did...

 

My point is my fear at that point... it being a fairly new relationship, had me dwelling on her not telling me this. A LIE!! I even told her so! Why? I am so afraid of being hurt! I am so afraid that she will be like my ex wife! The point?!?! My insecurities led me to dwell on something that had absolutely no relevance to our relationship.

 

My woman is a chemical engineer... A college grad... She was embarrassed to give me all the shady details of the jail bird and you know what? It was none of my business!

 

When I read your post I said to myself, "**** that sounds just like me!"

 

If you are anything like my lady you probably go over board to show him your love for him.

 

Sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him the situation. Do not give in and admit to telling a lie because you did not. Reaffirm your stance on telling the truth and explain that eating disorders are a very embarrassing discussion especially early in a relationship. No one likes to show their faults in a new relationship... and a past eating disorder does not make you who you are. I would really stress how much it hurts you that he thinks you are a liar. You must stress that. You must tell him that trust also involves your trust in believing that he trust you!

 

I think this is his insecurities playing here and I hope he comes to senses and sees just how unimportant this really is.

 

Goodluck!

[curiousnycgirl]

I agree with Diamond and Rust, but there is a softer way of saying that. I would just tell him that at the time, it was too early in the relationship for you to be comfortable revealing anything about your disorder - and that he gave you no choice but to say no when he asked.

 

Good luck!

[zilverenvlinder]

Men can be such babies, can't they?

 

The same thing happened to me, also, but it was about my manic depression. When MY boyfriend and I first got together, he was telling me about how his mother had manic depression, and then asked me if I had anything like that. Of course I said no! I met the guy three weeks before, I didn't want to scare him off!

 

So when he found out six months later that I had taken medication for manic depression all through high school, he flew off the handle and told me how I'd "lied" to him. It was a white lie, I admit, not to make him like me better, but to display my good qualities.

 

It's kind of like a used car salesman selling you a car. When you ask him questions about the car's condition, he's only going to tell you what you want to hear in order to sell the car to you. He's not going to go into detail about all of the car's not-so-perfect qualities.

 

It's not like you lied to him about having HIV or having hidden children or something. God.

[behappy999]

Thank you all so so much for the replies!

 

dbtmarley-- thank you for your story, I remember reading it in another thread somewhere and I definitly see what you're getting at. I love my boyfriend soooo very much (like your gf) and yes I'm going to do everything I can to show him that just because I kept something from him for a short amount of time..that doesnt show my true character. I would never do anything to betray him or hurt him in any way and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. His ex girlfriend was a liar and a cheater so I could see, in a way, how this "lie" of mine would spark some fear in him.

 

zilver-- Yes when it first came up he was talking about his sister and seemed so discusted with the idea of eating disorders I was scared to admit it, and he outright asked me about it but I didnt want to tell him so what else was I supposed to say?? And you're right, it wasn't like I put him in harms way.

 

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't in the wrong abot this, before him and I discuss it.

 

Any more opinions on the topic are welcome

[tanbark813]

I've been the guy in this situation before. Technically, behappy, you did lie. You'll show good character if you just own up to that and apologize.

 

The problem here isn't just the one lie itself. He probably doesn't even really care about the subject matter alone (the eating disorder thing). If he's been lied to and cheated on in the past then I can almost guarantee that now he's wondering what else you haven't been truthful about or what you might not be truthful about in the future. That's the real issue here.

 

One instance of a white lie isn't a big deal in and of itself but in the context of the relationship as a whole it still erodes away trust. You're seeing that right now. And really, the issue of not wanting to tell him about the eating disorder in the beginning was really just insecurity on your part. You thought that would overshadow your good qualities and drive him away.

 

Lastly, in answer to your question:

 

I didnt want to tell him so what else was I supposed to say??

 

In the future you can just say something like, "I don't really feel comfortable discussing that until I get to know you better." Then you don't have to tell him, you're not lying, and it's still a very respectable response.