just friends, no benefits

[wesrjohn]

I got a wink from a dating site and she turned out to be an amazing lady who lived close to me. We emailed then talked on the phone and really connected. Shes fairly newly divorced and to my surprise, a pastor. I thought I had found someone I could really trust and share my feelings with. We met and really hit it off. A couple days later she sent me an email saying she was still hurting from her divorce, needed to heal and wasnt ready for a commitment. She said she wanted to date as friends to which I agreed. About our third date I was acting like a friend as usual and not trying to take things further and respecting her space also, she gets up, comes over to my side of the table at the restaurant and kisses me. Im a little bewildered but continue being friendlike. From that point on, kisses at every date and at a picnic we had, she makes out and tongue kisses me, and then labels us "romantic friends". We continued dating and having magical times but no sex. She always thanked me for being patient and loved the poems I had written her. Which never included the L word or talked about us as a couple. Four months later I send her an email or two and get no response. So a couple days later she IM's me and tells me that we have no future romantically but wants to be friends. Up to that point everything was fine with us I thought. She then appologized for the IM while still maintaining us as friends only and that we can only share hugs. After a while of this reduction of affection and shorter dates, I email her and tell her that I had fallen in love with her and cant take that treatmennt any more, letting her off the hook and saying goodbye forever. I then get an email with her appologizing for being that way, and telling me Im a very special, handsome, wonderful guy, whos close to her heart and she really wants to be my friend on my terms. I was hoping for no response from her. So I agree but stop calling her and have since told her that Im dating other women. But im still madly in love with her but hadnt mentioned it again. Then she says she has a female friend that she wants to introduce to me. Not what I wanted to hear so told her goodbye again. Again another email saying she really wants me as a friend. God that sucks cause I dont mind being friends but not if she meets someone else, for my own hearts health! So she calls me again and i dont take the call so she leaves me a message saying she still wants to see me and cant understand why i dont take her calls. So I finally call back and she talks me into a meeting. We talk really deep and shes saying how special I am and all that and I get a couple of hugs. Inside Im still hurting really bad. So after that I call her and leave a nice message and she doesnt call me back! So the other night I get this IM from her all friendly and such and she says sorry for not returning the call. Then says she wants to meet me but then says shes going away for the weekend. I ask where and she says the wine country and doesnt say who with! The woman is killing me. I cant believe a pastor could act this way and do this to me. I still love her but dont know what to do but I need to do something cause this sucks. Ive given her all kinds of easy outs but she keeps coming back. I think shes seeing someone else and is too much of a coward to tell me. Please help!

Wes

[Diamonds&Rust]

hope you don't mind the paragraphs, it's the only way i can read a post, and i'm not the only one.

 

I got a wink from a dating site and she turned out to be an amazing lady who lived close to me. We emailed then talked on the phone and really connected. Shes fairly newly divorced and to my surprise, a pastor. I thought I had found someone I could really trust and share my feelings with.

 

We met and really hit it off. A couple days later she sent me an email saying she was still hurting from her divorce, needed to heal and wasnt ready for a commitment. She said she wanted to date as friends to which I agreed.

 

About our third date I was acting like a friend as usual and not trying to take things further and respecting her space also, she gets up, comes over to my side of the table at the restaurant and kisses me. Im a little bewildered but continue being friendlike. From that point on, kisses at every date and at a picnic we had, she makes out and tongue kisses me, and then labels us "romantic friends".

 

We continued dating and having magical times but no sex. She always thanked me for being patient and loved the poems I had written her. Which never included the L word or talked about us as a couple.

 

Four months later I send her an email or two and get no response. So a couple days later she IM's me and tells me that we have no future romantically but wants to be friends. Up to that point everything was fine with us I thought. She then appologized for the IM while still maintaining us as friends only and that we can only share hugs.

 

After a while of this reduction of affection and shorter dates, I email her and tell her that I had fallen in love with her and cant take that treatmennt any more, letting her off the hook and saying goodbye forever.

 

I then get an email with her appologizing for being that way, and telling me Im a very special, handsome, wonderful guy, whos close to her heart and she really wants to be my friend on my terms.

 

I was hoping for no response from her. So I agree but stop calling her and have since told her that Im dating other women. But im still madly in love with her but hadnt mentioned it again. Then she says she has a female friend that she wants to introduce to me. Not what I wanted to hear so told her goodbye again.

 

Again another email saying she really wants me as a friend. God that sucks cause I dont mind being friends but not if she meets someone else, for my own hearts health! So she calls me again and i dont take the call so she leaves me a message saying she still wants to see me and cant understand why i dont take her calls.

 

So I finally call back and she talks me into a meeting. We talk really deep and shes saying how special I am and all that and I get a couple of hugs. Inside Im still hurting really bad. So after that I call her and leave a nice message and she doesnt call me back! So the other night I get this IM from her all friendly and such and she says sorry for not returning the call. Then says she wants to meet me but then says shes going away for the weekend. I ask where and she says the wine country and doesnt say who with!

 

The woman is killing me. I cant believe a pastor could act this way and do this to me. I still love her but dont know what to do but I need to do something cause this sucks. Ive given her all kinds of easy outs but she keeps coming back. I think shes seeing someone else and is too much of a coward to tell me. Please help!

 

Wes, the reason she is "doing this" to you is because you keep letting her against your better judgment.

 

Be honest and firm. Tell her that you have strong feelings for her, and seeing her doesn't help any. Tell her you care about her also, and you'll let her know when you're over her and can see her platonically like she wants. Until then, explain that it hurts you to see her, because of your feelings for her.

[wesrjohn]

Thanks bro, that sounds like an excellent idea and makes the most sense.

[Diamonds&Rust]

Way to be strong, I know it's difficult. The nice thing about being honest and clear is that you don't have to worry really about how they'll take it, because you're not attempting to manipulate in any way, they really have no reason to be anything but thankful for your honesty.

[LoveLace]

You had told her your in love with her, then she questions why you don't return her calls? I don't see what's so hard for her to understand. You can't expect someone in love with you to just turn off their feelings so that you can be "friends". You each want something different, and it's as though she wants it her way or the highway. That isn't fair to you. It's too hard, emotionally, to stay "friends" with someone you still love. If she cares about you she should know to let you go, just as you have tried to do. Tell her you are not interested in friendship because your feelings are way past that level and you need time to get yourself together and move on. There is a chance that you could tolerate a "friendship" later in life, but for the time being, total space is the best thing she can give you. Cuz by being your "friend" all she's giving you is heart ache.

[wesrjohn]

Upon further thought and a few more conversations with her, Ive come to the conclusion that I love this woman more than any other woman Ive ever loved and im not going to let her get away without a fight. Because of all the wonderful times weve had I feel something from her still and she might even be testing me. I would rather lose her as a friend than not show my persisrtence and the strenth of my love and lose her as a lover.

 

Im going to remain a gentleman and not be too smothering, but am going to do my best to win her trust and remove any doubts that she may have weather I truly love her and want to be with her. If she wants to be just friends then I just want to be lovers and friends. And cant settle for anything less. My feelings are too great to be just friends. So if I go out, I go out giving it all i have to give.