Marriage rush

[Goobernix]

Hey all,

 

I have been with my fiance for 2 1/2 years. We have gone through the normal ups and downs that come with relationships but otherwise good. This isn't really important but might get some understanding about us. Before I met her I had a only been on a few dates in my life being in my early 30's(none sexual for me), she had been on lots of dates and 4 relationships(sexual that is)I just want people's opinions on how things went.

 

When we 1st starting dating she asked a logical question of what my views of marriage were and I had said I am wanting to get married. So she knew my views were positive on marriage. About 6 months in she told me if I didn't propose in 3 years of being together she was gone. I got a few reminders here and there.

 

When we hit about 1 year, the hints were coming more often. I told her the usual of when the time is right I will propose. Each additional 6 months the hints were stronger and becoming more bitter. At just over a year and a half I knew she was getting antcy about it with comments about our future and she would say we have to get engaged 1st. I am not well off by any means and am paying back debt that I created long before I met her and money was tight. During that time frame all my friends were married or engaged(now all married), this upset her a lot. I still had to find a savings to get a ring and it took some time to save. Part of my stress about proposal was the fact that things would go too fast for me.

 

I finally did propose and am very happy and so is she, more or less she has been a bubble of excitement. Financially in the next month she is debt free, I on the other hand am not. 2 days after proposal she set a date a year from now. She wants a nice wedding, not cheap or over the top, just moderate and thats fine with me. Problem is with me is 75% if not more of my salary is already accounted for, leaving me maybe $100 or so as extra cash and no savings. I told her that 1 year is an unlikely goal for me and that weddings are more money then she is expecting. Something as simple as a guest list she said it would be around 110, I told her to do the numbers and we will see. Her side of the family came to 96, not including anyone out of my side. She just said we have to cut people and she was adament about not going another 2 years. I told her to seriously look at what we need to get ie wedding bands, marraige liscence, minister, photographer, church, hall, dress, suits, party gifts, food, alcohal and honeymoon but she says we can swing it still.

 

I am seriously worried about the financial aspect and we have already agreed that none of this will be put on credit. There is the idea of her dad, but I honestly can't bank that he will contribute a large sum, its possible though. I want a good 2 years to raise money, but she isn't interested in hearing it. I think all along I worried that as soon as the egagement happened that marriage was going to be rushed. The other thing thats making her rush is that she has an early cut off for children and waiting 2 years would put her over that timeline. Whats everyones opinion on this?

[kitesurfer]

I'M with you on this one...but her too. starting a marriage in DEBT is a huge mistake. maybe a less traditional wedding???? have the wedding/reception/party at your house. invite everyone you want. have close friends help out with the food ect... i'll be having the same delima i'm sure except there is no rush on her part.

[a4a]

The wedding is only one day of your M.

 

Why not use that money to really build a future on instead of a lavish wedding. Like a down payment on a home.... or get out of debt.

 

I hate weddings..... sitting for long periods of time, ho hummmm same old crap at every one of them. Catered ho hum food, reception halls that look like converted gyms, silly limo's....... same old hum drum flowers.... blah blah blah. They are all the same...... cookie cutter weddings.

 

Why not make it your own, have it fun...... not expect people to wear crappy expensive pink bridesmaid dresses that they will end up trashing.

 

You can have a classy wedding without great expense. And make it more about the celebration than the ridiculous commercial trappings that people follow.

 

You can do things much more creatively and more your own style if you do it yourself....... and save a ton of money.

 

Think outside of the box.

[Missy27]

 

About 6 months in she told me if I didn't propose in 3 years of being together she was gone. I got a few reminders here and there.

 

she was adament about not going another 2 years.

 

I want a good 2 years to raise money, but she isn't interested in hearing it. I think all along I worried that as soon as the egagement happened that marriage was going to be rushed.

 

The other thing thats making her rush is that she has an early cut off for children and waiting 2 years would put her over that timeline. Whats everyones opinion on this?

 

My god what is wrong with this woman?? First of all she gives you a deadline for engagement, so you satisfy that for her, then she's giving you a deadline for marriage, and now you're telling me she's got a deadline for having children - is there something seriously wrong with her or is she just that god damn selfish and self centred? I mean COME ON.... Why should she have it all her own way. Wedding's are horrendously expensive at the best of times and it sounds to me like she's someone who wont settle for anything less than the best at hers.

 

Look, you have been pretty good to her. You've given into her demands for engagement within 3 years, but you need to put your foot down on this one chicken. I mean take a look around you. Look at all the marriage/divorce statistics nowadays, its carnage out there and you're just about to take a leap into the unknown with this woman. If I were you I would tell her in no uncertain terms that she's got her engagement, you're not going anywhere and YES you will marry her but there aint no way you're gonna be rushed into it like that. Its 2 years or nothing. If she wants her dream wedding she gotta wait another poxy 12 months. If she's too up her own backside to do that then she's not worth it anyway.

 

Why not spend the 2 years that you've got getting some pre-marital counselling and exploring and reading all about marriage. It will out you in a MUCH stronger position when you actually do tie the knot.

[stillafool]

First of all a wedding is a poor excuse to go in to debt. That money would be better spent on a down payment for a house. It will only be one day and you will be so wrapped up in greeting everyone, smiling, flash bulbs going off in your eyes, that you will hardly have a chance to enjoy it. I think everyone is getting so caught up in the wedding they aren't spending enough time thinking about what is really important and that's the marriage. If 75% of your income is tied up in paying off debt you guy's will need her income to further you ahead. You need to sit her down and talk about these things now so you both aren't miserable later on. If she has no debt she is use to spending her money on what she wants and you will have to talk to her about how much of her salary you expect to go to the household and savings. If I were you I would forgo the wedding and concentrate on getting your debt paid off. You will both be happier in the end.

 

Like another poster said you can always do a ceremony without spending tons of money. Have it at a friend's house and have people help with the food. I think as a guest I would have a lot more fun at that type of wedding than the very expensive ones I've attended lately.

[a4a]

She obviously wants a family and doesn't want to waste her time with a guy that will string her along past 3 years..... I don't see the problem with that.

 

At least she put her cards on the table. No gun to his head - he dump her if he doesn't want to get married.

 

As for a time limit on kids... hell that is pretty reasonable as well. There are some medical factors involved as you age. Some people want to get the "child rearing" years over with so they can enjoy their 40's and 50's as well.

 

Sounds like she is pretty up front about her wants, goals, and desires......... she is out of debt.... so she must be able to plan and be responsible.

 

Perhaps the OP needs a part time job to get out of debt so he feels more condfident about getting married....... if debt is the actual issue.

[thelittlespoon]

Holy crap - this woman is clearly freaking out! After 6 months of dating she already gave you an ultimatum?? That's ridiculous. What kind of mystery does that leave for the relationship. You already knew from the beginning that you would be engaged by your third years as a couple. It's almost like this chick is completely insecure and basically wanted to know from the get-go if you were going to marry her, like she's just desperate to walk down the aisle.

I really don't understand why people rush these sort of things. It's spending the rest of your life with someone, and I think that it should be treated more seriously and patient than it is. I truly think that this is why half of marriages end in divorce. This is probably the most important decision you will make in your life, why rush it? Tell her to hold her damn horses.

[Goobernix]

Hey all thanks for the responses......She came home last night and went right to the computer to research venues and wedding related things. I discussed a few thing with her and left her to it. When she came to bed she stated she wanted to know how I wanted to be involved with the wedding. I told her I hadn't put much thought in to it and it turned in to an arguement. She kept asking what is giving you cold feet and I told her budget and getting married in a year. I am perfectly happy with 2 years, but 1 is stretching it financially. She won't get married off season so its cheaper she wants a spring or summer wedding. Most likely a moderate wedding would be roughly about $12,000, according to my calulations the best we could save together is $7,000 and we would have to bank on donations. We also have to put down deposits in the next month, again I don't have money to drop around. Her idea now is to cut out anything not needed in our lives, no more take out, trips, movie nights and what ever else.

 

Heres the thing, I do want to get married thats not an issue. I know she has thought about her wedding day since she was a kid and its important to her. I just don't think she understands that in the rush we are, its not going to be the wedding of her dreams and even her dream wedding she wouldn't go wild with spending. She always says I am too easy going and don't have much of an opinion, but when I make my opinion known, she casts it off the the side. Last night was somewhat of a stale mate, but I have agreed to research with her.

[a4a]

Regardless of how well you budget count on going 15% over your calculated budget.

 

If I were you I would put in the opinion that some premarital mediation is much needed, if you feel that your opinions are discounted..... not a good sign for a lasting relationship. Sounds like control issues are already starting to fester.

 

 

Good Luck...... and remember you are half the equation in the M so you have a right to decide how you spend your money too.

 

If she wants to pay for everything herself or her parents do..... just enjoy the wedding.

[Diamonds&Rust]

Show her you're not easy-going and that you do have opinions: rescind your proposal.

 

Tell her it's not cold feet, you just have serious doubts about marrying someone who has the capacity to live so ridiculously above her means when it comes to pleasing herself. Explain that your financial security is more important to you than decadence, and that if she doesn't respect that, she's not the one for you.

 

Tell her when you can afford a wedding, you'll propose; unless of course she has some way of paying for her extravagant expectations.

 

She'll come around, trust me. She just thinks she can boss you around because you've been submissive about it in the past. Seriously, if you weren't you, and you read your own post, you would be outraged.

[catrocks]

I think it's lovely that you want her to be able to have the wedding of her dreams, and she is being totally selfish and taking you for granted. Maybe you should consider how she will be in 10 years if she is already taking you for granted. But if you really do want to marry her (and you realise that your life will be like this all the time) then perhaps you need to make her see that the wedding she is envisaging is going to leave you in debt and a really bad start to the marriage.

 

Anyways there are ways that you can still have an amazing wedding and stick to budget. Perhaps you should suggest that she try to get the guest list down to about 60 people.... I mean is anyone really going to miss aunt betty from kentucky who nobody has seen for 15 years?

 

Also, when she is looking for her dress she should figure out when some sample sales are on.... I managed to get my dress for less than half price this way and they dry cleaned it for free, all I have to do is get it altered.

 

Another thing to think about is that it's cheaper to get married in the week or in the daytime..... prices go right up at the weekends and especially weekend evenings. One DJ we looked at was going to knock $100 off the price because we're having the reception in the afternoon rather than the evening.

 

Silk flowers can be cheaper than real ones and they last much longer... I am getting mine from Hobby Lobby for less than $100. Do either of you know any people with talents such as cake making, flower arranging, perhaps someone with a nice car who would be willing to lend it to you for your wedding car? I'm sure that your friends and family would be more than happy to help in any way they can. Also, try ebay for favors, centerpieces, veils, tiaras, in fact pretty much anything.

 

Also, craigslist.org is a great place to find photographers, DJs etc. It might also be worth asking at local universities to see if there are any photography students who are looking for experience - they will be able to photograph your wedding for very cheap, if not free, just to get the experience. Also, you could try the same with student bands looking for experience.

 

Bottom line is, you can have a fabulous wedding without getting into debt if she is willing to compromise on some things - and marriage and relationships are about compromise so if she doesn't want to meet you halfway are you really sure you want to spend the rest of your life with her?

[stillafool]

This woman knows you aren't rich and wants to spend all this money on a wedding - yet, she's going to want to start having babies right away. What about saving money for the babies and a house? It sounds like you guys need to talk about priorities. She's living in a fantasy world.

[Missy27]

This woman knows you aren't rich and wants to spend all this money on a wedding - yet, she's going to want to start having babies right away. What about saving money for the babies and a house? It sounds like you guys need to talk about priorities. She's living in a fantasy world.

 

My sentiments exactly. This is why I think she is being totally selfish about the whole thing. Another poster said that there is nothing wrong with putting a 3 year time limit on engagement, I think thats WAY too quick personally. I am all for marriage and all that, but WHY can't people be more patient these days, what is the rush?? Doesn't she realise that by waiting just another 12 months she will probably get the wedding that she actually wants. It's not a bad idea to be engaged for a while before you tie the knot anyway, it gives you even more of an opportunity to get to know eachother better.

 

I just think this woman is walking all over you with this. I understand that you are happy to be marrying her but you NEED to put your foot down with regards to the timescale. If she dont like it, she can pack her crap and leave.

[bab]

Can you tell her that unless she is willing to wait 2 years, the entire cost will have to come out of her paycheck as you can't afford it right now.

 

I don't think she's as crazy as some of the people on here. If she's in her early 30's she probably knew when you started dating what she was looking for and by 6 months in, knew you were the one she wanted to be with. Being in her 30's she knew she needed to move this thing ahead.

 

Let me tell you, $12,000 probably isn't going to cut if for that many guests. I had under 100, and we kept everything very simple (including things that from your description your fiance probably wouldn't be wild about) and it was just under $12,000. If she wants more traditional with over 100 people, $12,000 isn't going to come close to cutting it in today's wedding industry.

 

Try and encourage her to go non-traditional, it can save a bundle.

[stillafool]

I don't know how anyone can afford a wedding these days. People are spending $20, $30, $40 thousand and up on a stupid wedding. I remember my first marriage in 1985 on cost us $5,000. We had over 300 people in a huge church and a sit down dinner at a country club with a live band. How did this thing get so out of hand? 2 years later we were going through divorce. My hubby now and I got married in Vegas. He had had a big wedding before also and we knew it just wasn't worth it. If anything I think it is best to spend the most on the honeymoon and hardly anything on the ceremony. You will remember the honeymoon more I guarantee you. Or, if you don't have a home put the money towards a down payment on a house.