We Made A Deal...

[ashleymarie]

I honestly don't even know how to begin this...so I'm just going to start somewhere, and hopfully not make it very long.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together three years. We've had ups and downs like most couples do, but I have known for a long time that this is definately the man I was going to marry.

 

We are both supportive and accepting, not boastful or judgmental...all in all, just really happy with each other.

 

About six months ago, we both shared with each other some dark secrets about ourselves. I discussed with him that i've always wanted to try pot...i was so ashamed but at the same time, very curious about it. I thought that made me a bad person, and I hated saying it aloud, but after he shared with me his secret obsession, I felt a lot better.

 

He explained to me that he wanted to have sex a lot. But not just with me (us both being virgins when we met). He told me he wanted to have sex with women, but that it was just sex, and not love. He compared himself to Christian from Nip/Tuck, and Jim Morrison from the doors...how they both loved someone deeply, but felt compelled to cheat to feed their physical sexual hunger.

 

I said okay, was very accepting...but deep down knew I would never allow that to happen.

 

6 months later, I'm faced with the option to try pot from one of my friends. Just her and I...I really wanted to see what it was like to be high.

 

After I did, and my boyfriend knew I was doing it the whole time...he told me I owed him that sex with another girl. I said yeah yeah I know...I'll see what I can do...but I never did anything, becuase I didn't want him to do it. I mean, come on girls! Since when is someone letting you try a drug the same as letting someone cheat on you?

 

Anyways, so last night after we went out for supper, he told me I have to let him do it tonight, or we would have problems. I said okay, call me if you find someone.

 

Later that night, he calls and says he called his ex-girlfriend paige over. I heard her in the car, and she kept saying how she felt weird because she didn't want me to hate her...i immediately started crying, begging him not to have sex in his bedroom in our bed with his ex. He kept telling me to shut up and that i owed him...so he said call you when i'm done, and hung up.

 

I threw up, felt so so sick to my stomache, and waiting for his call. 20 minutes passed and I call him...no answer...

 

He calls ten minutes after that, saying he DID in fact have sex with her...and took her home. I asked if they kissed, he said no. I asked if he touched her everywhere, and he said yes. I hung up the phone and threw up again. He called back crying...saying how disgusting he felt, and how it didn't make him feel the way he thought it would...and how he just wanted to die from hurting me...

 

I listened while he sobbed...and I began to cry too.

 

He said he was going to go take a shower because he felt so disguting...so i said to call me afterwards.

 

He calls and says he made it all up. He said he did call her over, and he did ask her to have sex with him, but she said no so he took her home. He said he would've still, but she didn't want to. He said he fake cried, and made the whole intimate details up to teach me a lesson about smoking!

 

Is this for real? How can I trust that? How can I trust if he did or didn't? He crushed my heart when he told me that he did, and all the details and how sorry he was...and to think he faked all of that??

 

I told him I never wanted to see him again, and that I hated him...

 

But I bet he will come to my house today....so what do I say? Forgive him? Believe him?

 

I can't even stand to look at him...

 

HELP!

[dbtmarley]

Ashley,

 

You are right, trying pot with a friend is not the same as him having sex with someone. To top it off he goes to his ex! Tonight when he comes over I would tell him that he now owes you the right to be single!

 

I also want to add you should have never agreed verbally to such a crazy idea.

[Bree]

Seriously!!! What kind of real man does that!! You need to dump him. Plus do you know if the first thing he said was the truth or the second. Nobody that loves you would do something that horrible. Leave him before your hurt even worse!!!!

[fyibyit]

I have to agree with the others. As hard as it may be, don't give him the chance to do this to you again. He's not a man you could marry, you'll always wonder if he really cheated on you and if he'll ever want to do it again. Get out now before you have kids involved in the whole mess.

[zilverenvlinder]

Oh my god! You poor thing! Your story truly disturbs me.

 

First of all, most everyone I know has smoked pot at least once in their lives. This includes my mother, father, older relatives, siblings, and eleven year-old cousin. This is not justifying that it is a GOOD thing to do, but it is by no means something to apologize for wanting to try once in your life.

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a controlling and manipulative person. I can understand him being upset if you have a drug problem, but smoking weed once to try it out is definitely NOT any sort of drug problem.

 

I am shocked and appalled that he asked his ex girlfriend to have sex with him, especially since he knew it would upset you so badly. I'm sure he did not cry and beg and devastate himself over the fact that you took a puff of a joint.

 

I would not deal with that. Do not let any man treat you that way. I am so sorry you are in this situation. You are not his slave. You are your own person, and a relationship is two people relying on each other for love and support, not controlling each other.

[Trimmer]

So, not that I'm justifying anyone's actions here, but I'm just trying to understand what started all of this 6 months ago. When you "shared" your secrets, was there some kind of agreement made that each of you could do "your thing" if the other one did or something like that?

 

If it was just sharing secrets, then no, you didn't "owe him that sex with another girl" and for him to maniuplate you into thinking you 'owed' it to him is b.s.

 

On the other hand, if you did make some kind of secret pact, it was clearly way out of balance, and not a good idea on your part - which you seemed to even be aware of at the time, when you say: "I said okay, was very accepting...but deep down knew I would never allow that to happen."

 

It's still not something a caring partner would do, and it certainly doesn't equate to trying pot - there's quite an imbalance there. But if you did make some kind of an agreement, it may help you to learn to assert yourself more in your relationship, in terms of understanding your boundaries and communicating them clearly and confidently to your partner...

[Wedded25]

To the dumpster with this cad!

 

He told me he wanted to have sex with women, but that it was just sex, and not love. He compared himself to Christian from Nip/Tuck, and Jim Morrison from the doors...how they both loved someone deeply, but felt compelled to cheat to feed their physical sexual hunger.

The oldest excuses for cheating in the book. There's no "just" about it once a commitment (even a commitment short of marriage) is in place, and as for feeling "compelled" to cheat, his premises are mutually exclusive -- the whole point of love is to preclude such compulsion.

 

After I did, and my boyfriend knew I was doing it the whole time...he told me I owed him that sex with another girl.... he told me I have to let him do it tonight, or we would have problems.

Bad sign -- he treats a love relationship as though it were a matter of political log-rolling in a smoke-filled back room. I agree fully with Trimmer's post. Love is not a matter of "enforcing pacts."

 

He kept telling me to shut up and that i owed him...

Great. Now he's a cross between a drill instructor and a loan shark!

 

He calls ten minutes after that, saying he DID in fact have sex with her... He called back crying...saying how disgusting he felt, and how it didn't make him feel the way he thought it would...and how he just wanted to die from hurting me.... He said he was going to go take a shower because he felt so disguting...

Hence the imbalance alluded to by Trimmer. There's no element of disgust with pot, as there is with cheating. And beware of male tears -- make sure they're sincere before responding. Reminds me of a choice passage from Susan Dundon's novel To My Ex-Husband:

 

"Another galling thing. It's the men who cry. Tears, a big show. Look at me, see the immense pain I am in. Feel sorry for me, because I no longer love you."

 

He calls and says he made it all up. He said he did call her over, and he did ask her to have sex with him, but she said no so he took her home. He said he would've still, but she didn't want to. He said he fake cried, and made the whole intimate details up to teach me a lesson about smoking!

Oh, joy! A drill instructor, a loan shark ... and now the nun who whacks schoolkids' knuckles with a steel ruler!

 

This reminds me of a disgusting incident from my own life. My best friend in high school became a born-again Christian and joined a particularly scornful and vicious church that believed strongly in women's submission to men. Shortly thereafter, probably taking his cue from the Abraham/Isaac story, he decided to test his girlfriend's loyalty by staging an acrimonious breakup with her. I never found out the outcome, as I broke off the friendship over that (and also because I was sick of his every other sentence being how I'd burn if I didn't accept Jesus), but I hope she soundly kicked his @$$. A loving relationship is indeed built on mutual trust, and such gamesmanship has NO place in it.

 

{{{{{{{ashleymarie}}}}}}}

[reservoirdog1]

What follows is just my opinion. You wanting to try pot is nothing like him wanting to f*ck other women.

 

Smoking pot may be illegal, but it's not immoral.

 

Having sex with other people when your partner has made it clear that it's not okay is cheating. Which is immoral, but perfectly legal.

 

What a f*cked up society we live in.

 

Back to your BF: he's a manipulative, cruel (probably cheating) prick. There's no moral equivalency between what you did and what he did. Say you'd watched a violent movie after he'd told you that he strongly objected to violence in movies. Would that give him the right to go f*ck somebody else to "teach you a lesson"? Of course not.

 

If he wasn't a manipulative, cruel (probably cheating) prick, he'd have gotten stoned with you. But instead, he chose to deal with things his own way and then justify it in a ****ty pathetic way. Dump him -- he's shown his true colours.

[Trialbyfire]

That...was brutal and disgusting. Hold the door open for him on his way out so that nothing impedes his exit. You don't want anything to delay him in any way.

[ashleymarie]

correction: I actually tried pot a few times after that first time, because the first time didn't really feel like anything. And my first time was about a week ago today, and the last time was two days ago.

 

also, I knew that he was calling his ex-girlfriend to have sex with him because we talked about it before he decided to go and do it. I was completley stoned at the time (that being the last time i've ever tried it) so i figured yeah man sounds awesome...because....as i mentioned....i was stoned!!

 

ANYWAYS, since that incident, he's brought me over flowers and candy and apologized for hurting me a million times...swearing up and down that he NEVER did anything with her...

 

But I can't help but wonder if he did.

 

Thank you so much for all the comments, they've really made me feel sane and have kept me that way!

[roxy1753]

I am speaking from experience here...

1) Anybody who would act out hurtfully like that to you once, will do it again and again. They will apologize and then do it again. You deserve better.

 

2) Also keep in mind that just because he is apologizing, it doesn't mean that he cares that he hurt you. He probably just doesn't want you mad at him. So what is actually keeping him from hurting you again?

 

3) If you do not demand respect for yourself, you will not get it.

[MissKissNada_Gal]

I honestly don't even know how to begin this...so I'm just going to start somewhere, and hopfully not make it very long.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together three years. We've had ups and downs like most couples do, but I have known for a long time that this is definately the man I was going to marry.

 

We are both supportive and accepting, not boastful or judgmental...all in all, just really happy with each other.

 

About six months ago, we both shared with each other some dark secrets about ourselves. I discussed with him that i've always wanted to try pot...i was so ashamed but at the same time, very curious about it. I thought that made me a bad person, and I hated saying it aloud, but after he shared with me his secret obsession, I felt a lot better.

 

He explained to me that he wanted to have sex a lot. But not just with me (us both being virgins when we met). He told me he wanted to have sex with women, but that it was just sex, and not love. He compared himself to Christian from Nip/Tuck, and Jim Morrison from the doors...how they both loved someone deeply, but felt compelled to cheat to feed their physical sexual hunger.

 

I said okay, was very accepting...but deep down knew I would never allow that to happen.

 

6 months later, I'm faced with the option to try pot from one of my friends. Just her and I...I really wanted to see what it was like to be high.

 

After I did, and my boyfriend knew I was doing it the whole time...he told me I owed him that sex with another girl. I said yeah yeah I know...I'll see what I can do...but I never did anything, becuase I didn't want him to do it. I mean, come on girls! Since when is someone letting you try a drug the same as letting someone cheat on you?

 

Anyways, so last night after we went out for supper, he told me I have to let him do it tonight, or we would have problems. I said okay, call me if you find someone.

 

Later that night, he calls and says he called his ex-girlfriend paige over. I heard her in the car, and she kept saying how she felt weird because she didn't want me to hate her...i immediately started crying, begging him not to have sex in his bedroom in our bed with his ex. He kept telling me to shut up and that i owed him...so he said call you when i'm done, and hung up.

 

I threw up, felt so so sick to my stomache, and waiting for his call. 20 minutes passed and I call him...no answer...

 

He calls ten minutes after that, saying he DID in fact have sex with her...and took her home. I asked if they kissed, he said no. I asked if he touched her everywhere, and he said yes. I hung up the phone and threw up again. He called back crying...saying how disgusting he felt, and how it didn't make him feel the way he thought it would...and how he just wanted to die from hurting me...

 

I listened while he sobbed...and I began to cry too.

 

He said he was going to go take a shower because he felt so disguting...so i said to call me afterwards.

 

He calls and says he made it all up. He said he did call her over, and he did ask her to have sex with him, but she said no so he took her home. He said he would've still, but she didn't want to. He said he fake cried, and made the whole intimate details up to teach me a lesson about smoking!

 

Is this for real? How can I trust that? How can I trust if he did or didn't? He crushed my heart when he told me that he did, and all the details and how sorry he was...and to think he faked all of that??

 

I told him I never wanted to see him again, and that I hated him...

 

But I bet he will come to my house today....so what do I say? Forgive him? Believe him?

 

I can't even stand to look at him...

 

HELP!

wut the ****... i basically dont know wut to say about the story u just described because it seems so ****ed up, and it makes no sense for ne of that kind of behavior... wow

[Carbine]

Oh for crying out loud. I'd really like to have 5 minutes alone with your man right now. He wouldn't get the sex he so lusts after but he'd sure as hell get some sense knocked into him. WHAT A CREEP. At best he sounds like he's got a real sadistic streak. Fair enough, he's allowed to have his deep dark silly fantasies, but what he did was really f**king perverted.

 

Let's get one thing nice and sparkling clear. Drug use cannot be likened to cheating. It may cause someone to become preoccupied, moody, underhanded and manipulative and this may hurt their loved ones but it does NOT count as infideity. It is a COMPLETELY seperate issue.

 

You know something, I have had substance abuse issues. When it was really bad I once tried to score off my now ex's friends behind his back. They went squealing to him and he freaked out. He said to me in what genuinely sounded like shock "I don't have a choice, I'm so sorry, I'm going to have to dump you". He kept going on about how it was the worst thing a girlfriend could ever do to him, and that I had 'cheated' on him. I said "I didn't offer to sleep with your mates in return for scoring, I'd never do that to you" and he said that he believed me but that it was still infidelity. By this stage he was on the verge of tears. I lost my temper and said "Grow up. I'm sorry for going behind your back but that's it. Stop acting like you've been cheated on and see it for what it is.". After he cooled down, he realised that he was overreacting and he took my advice.

 

Look, I dont know what yours and your boyfriend's moral/religious/political or otherwise stance on drug useage actually is, but seriously LIGHTEN THE F**K UP, BOTH OF YOU. I'm not saying go out and get addicted, or even just go out and use recreationally. That's a decision you guys need to make for yourselves. But really, acting like it's a sin or brainwashing yourself into thinking that you're a bad person for wanting to experiment is utterly ridiculous. It's melodramatic. And it's unnecessary. And it's pot. Ok, it's not good for you, it's not healthy, and it probably won't enhance your life a great deal, but in all honesty I think many people view their first smoke of pot as a right of passage. Not me personally, but I know a lot of people who feel this way and most of 'em didn't end up writhing in moral decay . Cheating, however, is not a right of passage.

 

And another thing - its not up to your boyfriend to 'punish' you over the dangers of smoking. Period. It's not his place to do this if he has smoked pot in the past and it's especially not his place if he's never done it before. He's punishing you for being HUMAN and that aint cool . Believe me, anyone who uses/abuses substances will end up punishing themselves sooner or later without any assistance needed from moral preacher f**kwits like your boyfriend.

 

Sorry, I wish I could help you more. Everything i've said is probably meaningless to you right now, but maybe, hopefully a tiny bit of it will sink in one day and...*sigh* I dont know...do something. As for whether or not he actually slept with her or if it was just a sick joke, well, I can't answer that .

 

PS: This is MY sadistic streak kicking in on your behalf. You wanna play an equally sick joke on him to unhinge him a little? Ok, wait a few weeks, then go to a needle exchange and get some fits. Leave one of them lying around with a spoon and a length of elastic. If you want to get really creative, take the tip off the fit and suck some red liquid, like red Gatorade, into the barrel of the syringe. Make sure he stumbles across your little secret 'accidentally' one day. Watch him fall to pieces. Enjoy watching him suffer for a bit and then make him smell the liquid in the syringe...hmmm...that's funny, your blood smells like...RASPBERRY GATORADE?!? WTF?! Tell him it was a prank and when he looks at you as if to say 'you've gone crazy', laugh at him coldly and say that you made up the intimate details to teach him a lesson about messing with your heart and feelings. (Worst comes to worst, the prank isn't going to backfire because of the smell of the liquid - just make sure you chose something that smells strong!)

 

Ok Carbine, that's ENOUGH! . I'm done. Sorry, I have a sick mind when it comes to getting the drop on bible bashing eejits like your boyfriend. One of the greatest pleasures in life .

 

Keep us in the loop ok? Take care.

[imonyourside]

please listen to all these people trying to help you.. this guy is bad bad bad news.

[Diamonds&Rust]

Is this thread real?

 

Ditch this manipulative loser.

 

And pot is not a big deal.