Cause for concern?

[roxy1753]

I have been seeing my man for 4 years now and living together for about 3.5 years. (I am 27 and my he is 32.) He finally took me to go pick out my engagement ring a few weeks ago, and to be honest I am not nearly as excited as I thought I would be. I have been the one pressing the marriage issue and now I'm starting to have doubts about spending the rest of my life with him.

 

He is a wonderful, hardworking, trustworthy guy who just so happens to hold himself up on a very high pedestal. He does have a temper (he's never been abusive) and is oh-so quick to be dismissive or to shift blame.

I know that he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else, but he is the worst at making me or anyone else that's close to him feel important. He forgets birthdays, sometimes for weeks. Doesn't believe in 'quality time' outside of the house (dates are non-existent or bi-annually at best). Expects me to go out of my way for him, but most of the time turns his nose up at doing the same for me.

 

And he does do certain things in which he takes me into consideration first. But even his family agrees that a little more maturity in his relationships would be helpful.

 

On the other hand, he is very affectionate, loyal, financially stable and great in bed. He comes from a great family full of love and humor. We enjoy each other's company most of the time and miss each other terribly when we are apart. I love him and the life that we are building with each other. And I can't stand the thought of ending our relationship.

 

Am I being overly sensitive about these things or is there any real reason to run the other way? Is counseling an option?

[Tangerina]

Well, with anyone you have been with for 4 years you are going to have a list of flaws like that... everyone has them and in a LTR your SO gets ample opportunity to become intimately familiar with them. It is always a balancing act "He is not very affectionate on his own but is appreciative of affection from me, I can live with that." "He is bossy and controlling but never takes my advice, I can't live with that." "He's good in bed but we don't have good conversations, I'm not sure how I feel about that..." You always do these little equations in your head and only you can know how it ultimately balances out... marriage is a serious thing and it isn't just about having that giddy feeling, it is about trust and compatibility and being able to work through things and yeah, a certain amount of putting up with each other's flaws. Counseling might help you sort out your feelings and see where you really feel the balance is... plus, you are probably experiencing a bit of 'buyer's remorse' which is only natural, now that you have what you wanted it isn't a fantasy and you are 'stuck' with it so you are evaluating how you truly feel about it for the first time and that is bound to bring some stuff up... you no longer have the thrill of the chase so it takes some adjustment. Good luck!

[roxy1753]

Thanks. I have another question for you then. How often do you think parents are right about their daughter's/son's choice of SO? And when do you know to listen to them or when to put up a fight?

 

And why did I have to be born a Pisces? D*mn indecisiveness!

[Diamonds&Rust]

I don't think that can be answered in a general sense, it really depends on one's parents. I know people whose parents are always wrong, and people with extremely wise parents.

[4whatItsWorth]

I have been the one pressing the marriage issue and now I'm starting to have doubts about spending the rest of my life with him.

 

He forgets birthdays, sometimes for weeks.

Doesn't believe in 'quality time' outside of the house (dates are non-existent or bi-annually at best).

Expects me to go out of my way for him, but most of the time turns his nose up at doing the same for me.

 

First of all: You're not his mother. You should not be the one to make him "mature". That was his parents' job whether or not they failed to do so.

 

I see huge red flags here. Why would you want to be with someone who is inconsiderate to show appreciation (birthdays), doesn't respect your view on things (makes own decisions) or cares about making you feel like you are his everything (turns nose up)?

 

Sweetie...I don't think you should settle for a guy who ignores birthdays, refuses to take you out and expects you to treat him like a king when he behaves like a selfish little boy.

 

It's up to you to realise what you can put up with for an entire lifetime, but for my 2 cent's - there will be many more men out there who will treat you 65 times better AND who will still be good in bed.