myspace is killing my relationship

[flowerfairy142]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING TIME TO READ THIS!! IT MEANS SO MUCH

 

Hi, my fiance and I are going through a bit of a rough time now. I am on a business trip, which makes it worst because he wants me to be with him and I just can't leave (its only for 4 days). To add on to his upset feelings about me, he discovered I had a myspace account. Now mind you, he had found out I used myspace 2 years ago and he really did get upset at me for having it (he misinterpreted it HORRIBLY: thought i was using it to meet other guys). The whole thing blew up but in the end, (after 7 days of not speaking to me, me going through hell trying to explain myself, etc) he forgot about it and we were fine, better than ever actually.

I did close my account but reopened another one a few months afterwards. I never told him. Now I NEVER told him I didn't have one either, so I wasn't lying. The thing is, I only use myspace to keep in touch with my family and friends. I have never, ever used it to meet other guys.

Well, history repeats itself and a friend of his told him he ran across my page (it's private though). But the thing is...I have a picture of him and I as the main profile image that isn't private AND I have written "I love him!". So how could that possibly imply i'm looking for other men or something? I thought if i could make sure I have him plastered all over the site and proclaiming my love for him, he'd be ok with it this time around, even though I'd be using it again with the same intentions as last time.

I have tried to explain to him how I do NOT use this website to meet other guys but he's saying that it's still cheating because I didn't tell him about it. I mean, I really didn't feel the need to tell him because this site as it is has become another commodity in keeping in touch with people. I use it because it's so much better than email, etc.

He also said he found out from my friend that I didn't want him to know about the page. And yes, i DID tell my friend that, because I didn't want him to form another argument like the last time. But I did not feel guilt whatsoever in having the page because I am NOT doing anything BAD behind his back. It's like what he doesn't know can't hurt him kind of thing. And I am NOT usingthe site to hurt him

I know...I probably messed up in the whole keeping my page secret and I'm sure that's why he's upset. But I think he's being a little unfair to me saying that it's like cheating and he's really telling me to come back from my business trip before it's "too late".

Now another thing...i know him very well and he DOES like to scare me so I know he doesn't have any intentions of REALLY breaking up with me (even though he's thrown around the suggestion). Yes, I hate the fact that he threatens me like this and it isn't FAIR...which is something I need to mention to him

 

We have a strong relationship....we are each other's best friends, etc. I absoluely adore him and I know he feels the same.

How can I go on again in asking for an apology about not telling him about my myspace page? What words should I use?

I mean I really do have hope that everything will turn out fine. I only am feeling so desperate and super stressed out, especially being in another city 3 hours away from him. He was never happy with the idea of me going on a trip as it is...but I can't let him control me like that. Even though its true, that my job did take me here, it's only once a year and its my first. But I've ALSO told him I probably won't be much longer in this position as it is. So he says because of that reason, that I should've just forgotten about this trip (because my office wouldn't fire me anyways because then they'd have to pay unemployment, etc). But he got mad that I still chose to go, and then this whole myspace dilehma came up (perfect timing huh)

I'm 2 days away from returning home. He keeps telling me I'm wasting time and he might not be there anymore. Honestly, I DO feel he's just saying that to scare me....but I do have moments when I am dead scared that it might happen.

I just don't feel its fair.

Although I think it won't because we've been together 7 years and have gone through so much together and we both truly love each other. Does anyone really think that my situation is bad enough to break a beautiful, strong bond so easily? I just need some reassurance. Desperately.

THANKS AGAIN!!!

[Just Visiting]

Based on what you have posted, this man has no right to control you. These little threats of leaving, accusations of cheating, tell me that this relationship is not as strong as you say it is. Not on his side anyway. Yes, it was not a good idea to hide the fact that you do have a myspace profile. But I can tell that you are sincere in saying that it is a way to keep in contact with friends and family. I use myspace for the same purpose.

 

I am wondering if your guy has been cheated on before? Both online and in person from a previous ex. This happened to me a couple of times before my current relationship and I do find that I am still a bit wary over his online activity. Luckily, he is aware of what happened to me in the past and is very open of what he does. It has to do more with me than with him.

 

If both of you want to truly work this through, I suggest seeing a marriage counsellor. What I see are feelings of insecurity, jealousy, anger, and mistrust. 7 years together is a long time but that still doesn't give him the right to behave like this. Be the adult in this situation and have a heart-to-heart, suggest counselling, see what happens.

[Diamonds&Rust]

How can I go on again in asking for an apology about not telling him about my myspace page? What words should I use?

Why pretend to be sorry for something you're not sorry about?

 

He was never happy with the idea of me going on a trip as it is...but I can't let him control me like that. Even though its true, that my job did take me here, it's only once a year and its my first. But I've ALSO told him I probably won't be much longer in this position as it is. So he says because of that reason, that I should've just forgotten about this trip (because my office wouldn't fire me anyways because then they'd have to pay unemployment, etc).

 

That is ridiculous logic on his part. Tell him grown-ups have responsibilities, and that you're honoring yours.

[2ndIINone]

I only use myspace to keep in touch with my family and friends.

don't forget... 'attention'. Everybody loves a little extra 'attention'

 

keeping in touch with family, friends..etc... that's what email and the phone is for....

 

 

His comments... most likely just trying to scare you.

Myspace... get rid of it .... you sound like you might be too old to have one anyway.

[flowerfairy142]

don't forget... 'attention'. Everybody loves a little extra 'attention'

Hey, thanks to everyone for the response!

So you're saying he's just doing this to get attention? Wow, men are such babies!!

For the first time ever, I have been ignoring his text messages all day. They have gone from scarying me to....well, the tone has changed to more sympathetic and reasonable. I'll keep on ignoring him for a while longer. I think it's doing him good.

I really do love him. I hope, hope, hope everything goes back the way it was. No wait, I hope it turns out better!

So you think its just attention he wants then? I need to have a serious talk with him when i get back, and i will. Any advice on how to approach this so that I can tell him to stop being immature and ridiculous without accusing him directly?

 

THANKS THANKS THANKS!!!!!

[2ndIINone]

don't forget... 'attention'. Everybody loves a little extra 'attention'

Hey, thanks to everyone for the response!

So you're saying he's just doing this to get attention? Wow, men are such babies!!

 

ummm, actually no. That was regarding YOU and your myspace account. Friends, Family.... attention..... etc, etc... same reasons as everyone else in a relationship who has a myspace and then complains that it causes relationship problems.

[annabelle75]

ummm, actually no. That was regarding YOU and your myspace account. Friends, Family.... attention..... etc, etc... same reasons as everyone else in a relationship who has a myspace and then complains that it causes relationship problems.

 

No necessarily true. I use my page to talk to friends and family soon. Back off on the Myspace prejudice.

[2ndIINone]

I use my page to talk to friends and family soon.

;);)

[lilredlibra2004]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING TIME TO READ THIS!! IT MEANS SO MUCH

 

Hi, my fiance and I are going through a bit of a rough time now. I am on a business trip, which makes it worst because he wants me to be with him and I just can't leave (its only for 4 days). To add on to his upset feelings about me, he discovered I had a myspace account. Now mind you, he had found out I used myspace 2 years ago and he really did get upset at me for having it (he misinterpreted it HORRIBLY: thought i was using it to meet other guys). The whole thing blew up but in the end, (after 7 days of not speaking to me, me going through hell trying to explain myself, etc) he forgot about it and we were fine, better than ever actually.

I did close my account but reopened another one a few months afterwards. I never told him. Now I NEVER told him I didn't have one either, so I wasn't lying. The thing is, I only use myspace to keep in touch with my family and friends. I have never, ever used it to meet other guys.

Well, history repeats itself and a friend of his told him he ran across my page (it's private though). But the thing is...I have a picture of him and I as the main profile image that isn't private AND I have written "I love him!". So how could that possibly imply i'm looking for other men or something? I thought if i could make sure I have him plastered all over the site and proclaiming my love for him, he'd be ok with it this time around, even though I'd be using it again with the same intentions as last time.

I have tried to explain to him how I do NOT use this website to meet other guys but he's saying that it's still cheating because I didn't tell him about it. I mean, I really didn't feel the need to tell him because this site as it is has become another commodity in keeping in touch with people. I use it because it's so much better than email, etc.

He also said he found out from my friend that I didn't want him to know about the page. And yes, i DID tell my friend that, because I didn't want him to form another argument like the last time. But I did not feel guilt whatsoever in having the page because I am NOT doing anything BAD behind his back. It's like what he doesn't know can't hurt him kind of thing. And I am NOT usingthe site to hurt him

I know...I probably messed up in the whole keeping my page secret and I'm sure that's why he's upset. But I think he's being a little unfair to me saying that it's like cheating and he's really telling me to come back from my business trip before it's "too late".

Now another thing...i know him very well and he DOES like to scare me so I know he doesn't have any intentions of REALLY breaking up with me (even though he's thrown around the suggestion). Yes, I hate the fact that he threatens me like this and it isn't FAIR...which is something I need to mention to him

 

We have a strong relationship....we are each other's best friends, etc. I absoluely adore him and I know he feels the same.

How can I go on again in asking for an apology about not telling him about my myspace page? What words should I use?

I mean I really do have hope that everything will turn out fine. I only am feeling so desperate and super stressed out, especially being in another city 3 hours away from him. He was never happy with the idea of me going on a trip as it is...but I can't let him control me like that. Even though its true, that my job did take me here, it's only once a year and its my first. But I've ALSO told him I probably won't be much longer in this position as it is. So he says because of that reason, that I should've just forgotten about this trip (because my office wouldn't fire me anyways because then they'd have to pay unemployment, etc). But he got mad that I still chose to go, and then this whole myspace dilehma came up (perfect timing huh)

I'm 2 days away from returning home. He keeps telling me I'm wasting time and he might not be there anymore. Honestly, I DO feel he's just saying that to scare me....but I do have moments when I am dead scared that it might happen.

I just don't feel its fair.

Although I think it won't because we've been together 7 years and have gone through so much together and we both truly love each other. Does anyone really think that my situation is bad enough to break a beautiful, strong bond so easily? I just need some reassurance. Desperately.

THANKS AGAIN!!!

 

 

 

 

WOW. The SAME thing happened with an ex of mine (I mentioned it in my "What's wrong with me?" post). He also assumed that MySpace was for cheaters and that I was using it to meet guys and talk to them. I went through my friends' list and told him about all the guys on there, who were mostly friends from high school or the community college we attended together. He still hated it, and argued about it every chance he got. We both argued the fact that he didn't like it and shouldn't ask me to get rid of it and why he had such a big problem with it and that I wouldn't feel good about myself if I did get rid of it for him and his peace of mind. He let it go a little bit, but still mentioned it and hated the fact that I had MySpace. Things weren't really the same with us after that and all the arguing it caused, and broke up a few months later. I hope the same thing doesn't happen to you. My best advice is to A: try to come to a compromise dealing with your page and what's on it (maybe him helping you do your profile or whatever) or B: give up MySpace and talk to those people you use it to keep up with on the phone, in person, or through e-mail (although you'll probably feel like you're sacrificing a part of yourself to keep him happy, which won't feel good). Or there's C: tell him to deal with it and stress to the point of insanity that you're using it to keep in contact and that your intentions are innocent. Hope your relationship doesn't end up succombing to the fate of mine. Good luck and hang in there! Keep me updated; I'm curious to know how you resolve a situation that I couldn't.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

To the OP: Stop updating your MySpace and deal with the issues you have, offline. You'll find that things are simpler, because you don't have to play constant guessing games about anyone's intentions from their entries on your page.

 

But really. MySpace and Facebook are the devil's favorite tools. I am surprised people take them so seriously.

 

When taken this seriously, they're nothing but a way to be nosy and pry into other people's business, while laying out your private life for others to feed on.

 

I've heard of people losing their jobs / friends / relationships to these sites.

[lilredlibra2004]

ummm, actually no. That was regarding YOU and your myspace account. Friends, Family.... attention..... etc, etc... same reasons as everyone else in a relationship who has a myspace and then complains that it causes relationship problems.

 

 

 

 

 

 

...that's why you see couples who have eachother as their #1 on their friends' list. MySpace has no age limit and MOST people use it responsibly and it's purpose IS to keep in touch. If your arguement is true, then, isn't this site just to gain attention? I think not.

[flowerfairy142]

WOW. The SAME thing happened with an ex of mine (I mentioned it in my "What's wrong with me?" post). He also assumed that MySpace was for cheaters and that I was using it to meet guys and talk to them. I went through my friends' list and told him about all the guys on there, who were mostly friends from high school or the community college we attended together. He still hated it, and argued about it every chance he got. We both argued the fact that he didn't like it and shouldn't ask me to get rid of it and why he had such a big problem with it and that I wouldn't feel good about myself if I did get rid of it for him and his peace of mind. He let it go a little bit, but still mentioned it and hated the fact that I had MySpace. Things weren't really the same with us after that and all the arguing it caused, and broke up a few months later. I hope the same thing doesn't happen to you. My best advice is to A: try to come to a compromise dealing with your page and what's on it (maybe him helping you do your profile or whatever) or B: give up MySpace and talk to those people you use it to keep up with on the phone, in person, or through e-mail (although you'll probably feel like you're sacrificing a part of yourself to keep him happy, which won't feel good). Or there's C: tell him to deal with it and stress to the point of insanity that you're using it to keep in contact and that your intentions are innocent. Hope your relationship doesn't end up succombing to the fate of mine. Good luck and hang in there! Keep me updated; I'm curious to know how you resolve a situation that I couldn't.

 

Wow, thanks for responding and your advice! Actually, we haven't really mentioned My Space anymore...but I think my error has been that there came a point where I was just so upset he was mad at me for having it that I said "Well, do you want me to remove the site? I wouldn't be removing it because I feel guilty about things I have done using the site, but I'd do it because relationships are about compromising and sacrifice...so I'd compromise and sacrifice this and just keep in touch with the people I have on my Friends list through email and phone".

The reality is...even though I HAVE deleted most of my friends (after I made sure to have all their contact info), I have kept about 17 of my closest ones, including family members such as my cousins, brother and sister. I admit though, even though I do log on almost every day, I don't spend as much time on the site as I used to....kind of detaching myself from the site so to speak. I feel though that I'm disrespecting him a bit by still keeping the site...when I said I'd take it down if he wanted me to. But then again...he NEVER actually said "Yes, I want you to take it down"...he just sulked and we moved on to discuss something else.

But I still can't bring myself to actually DELETE it...at least not yet. And honestly, I DONT want to delete it, because I have NEVER used it for the wrong intentions. I just think its fun having pictures up for my friends to see, comment on them, etc...sooo much more convenient than email. Especially when I get married (sometime next year) I want to plaster pictures of my wedding on the site, and just decorate the site beautifully as a tribute to us both. What I do have now is pictures of him and I all over the site, and always have too.

But I also have this side of me that says that My Space is kind of childish...wrong interpretations can arise, as well as other confusions, like "This Too Shall Pass" wrote a few entries above:

"...find that things are simpler, because you don't have to play constant guessing games about anyone's intentions from their entries on your page."

 

And I've also kind of detached myself from it too because I also rather people approach me to ask me about myself if they care enough...rather than read all the information on a page. That way I KNOW they're truly interested and care about me enough to ask, you know?

 

Another dilehma I have...I have a Facebook account but I haven't told my fiance. I'm just scared to death he'll pull another one of these stupid arguments when again, I pretty much use Facebook to exchange pictures with my friends...Facebook has wonderful software for uploading and sharing pictures. It also doesn't have the same rep has My Space does...But I am afraid that if he knows, he'll take it the wrong way AGAIN and I truly don't want to go through that...Facebook to me is just for picture viewing and sharing, kind of like AOL pictures, but more user friendly. Am I supposed to tell my fiance I have an AOL Pictures Account for instance?

 

Am I doing wrong by omitting this? Even though I am NOT doing anything wrong, (AND NEVER HAVE) like cheating behind his back, etc????? I just feel so hurt he could assume I'd be capable of doing something as low as cheating on him using some website, especially given the fact I always show how much I love him, etc. I'm planning our freakin' wedding for next year for God's sake!!!!!

[Rhythm28]

I'm not buying this at all. What happened to staying in touch through emails? Do you have pictures of yourself on myspace? If so, why? To me, myspace is match.com for free. Anybody hear of the telephone? You can keep in touch that way as well.

 

It's ok to have guy friends but something tells me you like the attention you get. I'm not saying you'll act on it but if you're truly happy with your guy, then isn't his attention all that you need? If you want to save your relationship, take down your myspace.

 

My roommate has a girlfriend and myspace. You know what else he has? Another girlfriend and who knows how many other floozies he talks to on there. He has his set to "private" so his real girlfriend can't go on there and see who is leaving messages on his page.

 

Myspace is for teenyboppers and people looking to hook up. Period!

[flowerfairy142]

I think though its more of a trust issue. My Space clearly states they are "A Place for Friends" while Match.com is clearly meant to match singles with other singles.

I see what you mean about me possibly liking the "attention" My Space gives me but in reality, my page is set to private and again, its just so much more convenient to post pictures there and then tell my friends

"Pictures from such and such event are up, so whenever you want to check them out...", because with emails, emails get deleted or forgotten, especially after you've opened the email. The pictures on My Space are there until YOU decide to take them down.

And that thing about your roomate using My Space the way he does...is a quite twisted. See, I just use it to better keep in touch with my relatives and very close friends.

What about Facebook? Do any of you think it has the same rep as My Space or that it's better?

[Trialbyfire]

ff142, it's not myspace or whatever vehicle you choose to use, that's the problem. It's your fiancé, knowing he can trust you. When you go behind his back, knowing full well he has issues with something, you show a blatant lack of respect for him.

 

Let's pretend you state that you don't want him sending pics of himself to strange women. With due knowledge that it's something you don't like, he continues to do this. You find out. Exactly how would you feel?

[Bree]

Here Is My Two Cents Worth. If You Were Doing Nothing Wrong You Wouldn't Have Puposefully Hidden It From Him. That Was A Big No No. You Got Caught Before What Made You Think You Wouldn't Be Caught Again. Naive! Why Didn't You Just Both Have The Same Account Together. Or Atleast Give Him The Password Because You Weren't Doing Anything "wrong"! Unbelievable.. No He Should Not Be Telling You To Come Back From Your Trip Because That Would Just Be Stupid. Sounds To Me Like Ya'll Either Need To Let Each Other Go Or Fix Each Others Problems.

[Jasmine8719]

hmm...it sounds your fiance has some serious insecure issues you've done nothing wrong...you keeping your page and not telling him..okay maybe he can be a lil upset about it maybe not talk for an hour or two but he's blowing it way out of proportion...he should'nt have control over your life like that and you should'nt let him...maybe he's more so worried about you being on this business trip because hes scared that you might cheat on him more so than you just being away...you need to comfront those issues with him now because if not the situations just get worse down the road....unless if you given him some reason not to trust you (which doesnt sound like you have) then he should'nt be acting like this especially after 7 years....if it was me in a newly relationship and my boyfriend was acting like that..its over...My boyfriend and I fully trust eachother he would never pull stuff like that...threatning to leave even if he doesnt mean it...ya, no that should'nt fly...i know its hard to see past that you love eachother and all that because you've been with eachother soooo long...but theres more to getting married with someone than just being in love...and him acting like that isnt a good sign....but you need to be firm and come out and say "You need to aplogize to me, you need to learn to trust me"...be firm and tell him how you feel, he's in the wrong not you. you need to be strong and stand up to him...good luck

-Jasmine

[luv3sji]

Well I Think That The Previous Comment Is Correct Why Would U Do Something That U Know He Doesnt Want U Doing?

 

If You Want The Relationship To Work There Has To Be Trust And If You Start Showing Him That A Lil Page Is Going To Seperate And Give Him Trust Issues Than I Think U Should Let Your Page Go! Its Not Worth Loosing 7yrs Of A Solid Relationship

 

Communicate With Your Close Friends By Phone And Email If Anything... But Myspace Is Just So Overrated... Trouble Will Find U Instead Of U Looking For Trouble On That Page..and If U Really Wanna Keep Him U Would Agree That He Feels Insecure And Doesnt Trust The "people" That Would Show U Attention (like A Long Lost Loverboy) So I Think U Should Let It Go Or.....make One That Allows Both U And Him To Enter The Website That Way He Has No Concerns About What Is Really Going On! Just A Word Of Thought!.....good Luck!

[lilredlibra2004]

Yeah, when my ex went all crazy about MySpace, it had no rhyme or reason to it, either; I had never cheated on him and he knew my views on cheating (that it's disgusting and unacceptable), but he still insisted that's what happened on sites like that. That may be the case, but someone (especially a boyfriend) should pay attention to the person, not the statistics. I think he would still be mad if he found out you had a FaceBook account, so I would maybe make the same changes you did to MySpace with that (getting contact info and deleting some people if you can). I wouldn't let him think I deleted it completly, 'cause that may come back to bite you in the ass (like it kinda did with me); I would show him the changes you made to the page and tell him how you changed it and also what you're planning to do with the wedding photos and so on. I understand if you can't bear to delete it entirely, also; if you're like me at all (not saying you are), you'd feel like you were comprimising something you shouldn't have to, because you did nothing wrong. I've been almost right there where you are now, so don't hesitate. Good luck, and feel free to send me a private message if you want to discuss it further, if I can help anymore.

[McFadden]

There is nothing wrong with someone in a relationship having Myspace. That is why you can set your status to In A Relationship and have your SO on there. If you have a Myspace but its kept from the SO thats the problem. But in this situation you had to because he forbade you from having one. If someone forbade me from having a MySpace I would say F off then because MySpace is more important to me than you. (Not that it is, but its the idea of someone trying to controll something that stupid.)

 

MySpace is not used as a dating site by everyone. If thier page is private and they only add people they know, its almost a guarentee they aren't using it to hook up. There are entire groups of people who do almost all of thier communicating over MySpace. When they want to announce something, they post a bulletin over MySpace. Pictures on MySpace are there so your friends can see what you are up to. I love the idea of it. I've always taken a lot of pictures of everything (not with me in them) but rarely had an opportunity to show people. I would be out of touch if I didn't have one.

[flowerfairy142]

Yeah, when my ex went all crazy about MySpace, it had no rhyme or reason to it, either; I had never cheated on him and he knew my views on cheating (that it's disgusting and unacceptable), but he still insisted that's what happened on sites like that. That may be the case, but someone (especially a boyfriend) should pay attention to the person, not the statistics. I think he would still be mad if he found out you had a FaceBook account, so I would maybe make the same changes you did to MySpace with that (getting contact info and deleting some people if you can). I wouldn't let him think I deleted it completly, 'cause that may come back to bite you in the ass (like it kinda did with me); I would show him the changes you made to the page and tell him how you changed it and also what you're planning to do with the wedding photos and so on. I understand if you can't bear to delete it entirely, also; if you're like me at all (not saying you are), you'd feel like you were comprimising something you shouldn't have to, because you did nothing wrong. I've been almost right there where you are now, so don't hesitate. Good luck, and feel free to send me a private message if you want to discuss it further, if I can help anymore.

 

Yes...you're right. And I DO feel like if I delete my page, I'd feel like I WAS compromising something I really shouldn't, ESPECIALLY when I NEVER did anything wrong! I've actually been thinking to delete my page...and then later on come up and suggest to him if we could BOTH have a joint account. See the thing is, we're taking engagement pictures soon and I'd tell him I'd like to share a My Space account with him that way our friends can see the pictures easier, etc. That way we BOTH have access to the account and I can still use My Space like I always have. I think that's a good idea. I'm just a little intimidated confronting him about this. And about Facebook...I haven't mentioned it to him, but the thing is that I am just SCARED of what his reaction will be about me having an account. Then again...it is NOT being used to cheat on him or anything!! I DONT feel guilty about having these accounts because I KNOW I do nothing wrong...I'm just nervous about what his reaction will be, because of what I went through before (which was VERY unfair on his part because YES, he shouldn't look at statistics but at the PERSON which is ME and my intentions!!)

I know I have a problem with this.... I'm just really scared of having to, again, compromise something I really shouldn't and make him believe he has total domination over me. But then again, I DONT want to argue over this!!! It really isn't much about "omg I am sooooo addicted to the internet and these sites that if i don't have them I'll DIE"....but it's an issue of feeling CONTROLED by someone. So far, it's been the only real big problem we've had but I'm scared that this controlling attitude he's showed regarding my My Space account would eventually find its way to other aspects of our lives and issues. I DONT want to be totally dominated by ANYONE...

I truly love him and I DO want to marry him. And I DO know that not every relationship is 100% perfect. How much is too much in this situation...from either side?

 

Thanks SO much for all your comments!