Stay or Go??

[SamNib]

My husband recently lost his job. Fourth one this year alone!

Now, I am and have always been sick with vertigo, which makes it harder than hell do work or much of anything. We are living in my home state near my folks. He hates this state more than anything. Cusses every person from here, sometimes including me and my family (only to me though.) He wants more than anything to move with his folks 1200 miles away because he believes his father will accept us better than mine did, even though my father has helped us menatally and financially with over two-thousand dollars. I love him, but do not want to move so far away. Recently my folks started helping my with doctor bills to get better. When we argue. he uses my illness against me. States that if I can visit my family, watch T.V., or play around with my nephew, "I can damn well work!"

 

Well, I'm afraid that i won't get the help I'll be needing if we move. Besides, I hate that he makes fun of my home state so much, sometimes even my own race. I love him more than anything, but when he does this, I hate him more than anything.

 

He threatens when hes mad, that he'll go, and I should just stay.

 

That sounds good, am I wrong to want to stay and let him go?

[Bill]

Well, he sounds very nice to me. *sarcasm*

You're fine to stay and let him go. No one deserves to be treated that way.

[ashleybandit]

I'm not exactly an expert on advice, but it sounds as if this person you are with might be trying to separate you from your parents/family/support network. Honestly, I think you should let him go.

 

You love him more than anything-- but you can love again. Someone who "makes fun" of you cultivating your dependancy on him. I am not saying he is "abusive", per se, but I am saying that this type of behaviour is symptomatic of a "co-dependant" OR "abusive" relationship.

 

You should be with someone that supports you, that makes you feel good about yourself. You are sick, and he is using that against you. When he threatens to leave you, he is using his assumption of your love for him against you. You are of a different ethnicity-- again, he is trying to use that against you.

 

I used to date a guy (7 years ago) who made fun of me and was, upon retrospect, mentally abusive. I went to an Ivy league undergrad. I have a professional-oriented family. This guy that I dated didn't graduate high school, and did not have parents who went to college.

 

Now, I am not saying that the disparity in socio-economic or academic "levels" were the problem in the relationship-- far from it. I cared for him regardless of our differences in background. What I AM saying is that this disparity became so much more evident when he "made fun" of my family, my sister, my college, my major in college.

 

Everything he could make fun of me for, he did.

 

I went to a good college-- he would say "why didn't you get into a better college?". I majored in Anthropology, he would say "why did you choose such an easy major, are you unable take something more challenging?" I have a sister who is a physician, he would say "you're sister doesn't know what the hell she is doing, the school she went to sucks, she's not that smart" and he would argue medical stuff with her, and tell me how stupid I am, and how stupid my family was.

 

And this guy didn't even graduate high school.

 

My point being: when someone makes fun of you, it is because he is insecure. If we (you, I) are insecure, we begin to believe it. If the difference in background is sufficient, then being made fun of is ludicrous-- and I was lucky because he and I were OBVIOUSLY from different backgrounds, and when he made fun of my education, you only had to laugh at his own stupidity.

 

BUT, I started to believe him after a few years-- when someone repeats themselves and criticizes you, no matter how silly and stupid THEY sound criticizing you, you end up "believing" that criticism.

 

I guess I am rambling. But the point I am trying to make is that you should NEVER be made fun of, and never be criticized. you need to have your family with you. If you are sick, and you move, and he leaves you-- or worse yet, if he hits or hurts you-- who do you have to turn to?

 

Abusive men tend to try and isolate their targets.

 

You might love him, but maybe you love the person you HOPE he is, and not who he really is deep down inside.

 

Good luck