Sleeping with someone

[ashleybandit]

Hi everyone. I am new to this forum. I am actually a bit confused.

 

I have broken up with someone after 4 years of exclusiveness because he will not marry me. That was almost 6 months ago. Since then I have been with two guys--

 

1. Guy 1: one during the summer that turned out to be a disaster (the guy was a relgious "Baha'i" freak who wasn't allowed to have sex according to his cultish religion but still slept with me regardless then proceeded to ignore me. That person has since begged me to get back together with him-- but I am shocked that he is so immature given his 34 years of age and am not returning his calls).

 

2. Guy 2: Recently I met someone and have been seeing him for 2.5 months. I just slept with him yesterday and without a condom. I feel terrible, like I am cheap, and that I made a huge mistake. He said he slept with someone between June and now and it was with a condom. He said that he was tested (q-tip and all) as of June. I don't know if I trust him.

 

After we slept together, I was on his computer and used his drop down menu and discovered that he had all these personal ads sites ("women looking for men", "causual encounters" and other personal ad sites) I was somewhat incensed and disgusted. He claims he hasn't been with anyone else since he met me and wants a serious relationship (monogomous) with me. But I don't believe him, because otherwise why would he be looking at personal ads still?

 

I have erased his number from my cell phone and his username off my Yahoo IM. I told him my discovery (regarding the drop down menu) and how I don't think he is ready for a serious relationship and how I don't see him long term. Mind you, we just slept together yesterday. I don't know what he is thinking, but he knows people i know, and I am worried about my reputation. I have actually kept my "relationship" with this guy under wraps so that NO ONE KNOWS.

 

I think he is mad that I looked at his drop down menu and made certain (reasonable!) assumptions. I think anyone who is looking at personal ads (as recently as the day before we slept together) is someone who is looking around. He claims he looks at these ads for amusement, but he's totally full of ****. I look at news sites for amusement, and I post on message boards for amusements. I do not know ANYONE who looks at personal ads for amusement unless that amusement is to find some window of opportunity.

 

I just wanted to know what you guys think. Any feedback would be appreciated.

[clia]

I have broken up with someone after 4 years of exclusiveness because he will not marry me.

 

Good for you!

 

and am not returning his calls

 

Double good for you!

 

Re: Guy 2

 

I feel terrible, like I am cheap, and that I made a huge mistake.

 

Don't give it another thought. There is nothing you can do about what happened, so there is no reason to go around and around with these kinds of thoughts.

 

After we slept together, I was on his computer and used his drop down menu and discovered that he had all these personal ads sites

 

Do you have any idea how old these links are? I've got lots of stuff in my drop down I haven't visited in months. Even so...

 

He claims he hasn't been with anyone else since he met me and wants a serious relationship (monogomous) with me.

 

This should be a good thing!

 

But I don't believe him, because otherwise why would he be looking at personal ads still?

 

Are you sure he is looking at them still? Are you sure these links aren't months old? Are you? Are you a mindreader? How do you know he isn't reading through them for fun? (I find many of them rather amusing.) Even so...

 

I think you overreacted because you were feeling weird about having just slept with him. You've known this guy 2.5 months. Had you discussed being exclusive prior to this? If not, then he's not cheating. It's perfectly within his rights to browse personal ads if he feels like it. It was also perfectly within his rights to browse those sites before he met you.

 

Your solution seems a bit drastic to me. Why don't you believe what he tells you? It's one thing to be cautious; it's another thing entirely to automatically assume he is lying. How has he treated you prior to this? Did you trust him before this? Why did you sleep with him?

 

I think anyone who is looking at personal ads (as recently as the day before we slept together) is someone who is looking around.

 

<Shrug> Maybe. If you hadn't talked about being exclusive prior to sleeping together, he did nothing wrong. (At least IMO.) Maybe he was just browsing for fun. Who knows? Did you two meet via the personals?

 

BUT he is ASKING you for exclusiveness now! He wants to be with you NOW! This is a good thing!

 

Don't take your regret at sleeping with him without a condom out on him. That was YOUR decision. You did it. It's not his fault. If you feel bad about it now, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. But don't turn it around and try to find a reason to end things. (A silly reason, if you ask me. You've only known him 2.5 months! You guys are still gathering evidence on where this relationship is going!)

 

Are you sure you are ready for a relationship? Is 6 months enough time to get over a 4 year relationship? Are you sure you aren't rebounding and then freaking out about it?

[ashleybandit]

Hi, your post/response was very perceptive and has made me think (such amazing insight!). Just a little background on me. I am a never married professional naive for my age 31 year old, and want to find the right guy soon (ie- get married, have kids, etc soon). I am also a fairly conservative person (can't you tell?).

 

I know I can't do anything about sleeping with this guy now-- It's done. I did it. Can't change the past. I am now dealing with feelings of remorse. I am *definitely* weirded out-- I have all these guilt issues. I know, what's done is done. I just need process and digest this information.

 

If you hadn't talked about being exclusive prior to sleeping together, he did nothing wrong. (At least IMO.) Maybe he was just browsing for fun. Who knows? Did you two meet via the personals?

 

This guy and I have been hanging out at least once a week when he has free time-- weekends only (he is traveling b/c of work and comes back on weekends). We used to IM almost 2-5 hours a day, and he calls me every night (rather, he *did* call me every night for the last 3 weeks-- after today's conversation, he might not call me any longer). I actually met him through a friend of a friend. I also used to work for the company he now works for, so we know some people in common. He is actually younger than I-- he is 28.

 

To answer your q's regarding the links: The dropdown menu was the first clue that something was amiss. So I checked his "explorer" history and he had just visited the "women meeting men site" on Friday (2 days ago, 1 day before our "date" yyesterday when I slept with him). I don't know when he looked at the "casual encounters" website. I mean, he would claim that he has turned down set-ups and other opportunities. But if he is turning down opportunities, why is he looking at these personal adds? This is why I think he is lying.

 

I think you overreacted because you were feeling weird about having just slept with him. You've known this guy 2.5 months. Had you discussed being exclusive prior to this? If not, then he's not cheating. It's perfectly within his rights to browse personal ads if he feels like it. It was also perfectly within his rights to browse those sites before he met you.

 

Yes, I may be overreacting. I tend to do that. I get very weirded out when I have sex with someone. We have not discussed being exclusive, but he knows that I was evaluating him these past 2.5 months-- to see if he has the integrity and character traits I am looking for long term. I understand it is within his rights to look at these sites, but I find it offensive and potentially a reflection of his character (or lack thereof)... particularly the "casual encounters" website! He has also said that he wants to be with me in the past-- if that is the case, then why browse the sites?

 

Your solution seems a bit drastic to me. Why don't you believe what he tells you? It's one thing to be cautious; it's another thing entirely to automatically assume he is lying. How has he treated you prior to this? Did you trust him before this? Why did you sleep with him?

 

I slept with him because I thought I liked him a lot. I was also very attracted to him at the moment, so I let things happen. He has been very cautious and respectful towards me these last few months, but I dont know. I think he is curious and indiscriminate about sex. He has only had 2 serious relationships in his life-- one in college and another about 3 years ago. He does, however, have one night stands with people, and I do not trust men who do that. Am I being too...shall we say... judgmental?

 

BUT he is ASKING you for exclusiveness now! He wants to be with you NOW! This is a good thing!

 

Don't take your regret at sleeping with him without a condom out on him. That was YOUR decision. You did it. It's not his fault. If you feel bad about it now, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. But don't turn it around and try to find a reason to end things. (A silly reason, if you ask me. You've only known him 2.5 months! You guys are still gathering evidence on where this relationship is going!)

 

Are you sure you are ready for a relationship? Is 6 months enough time to get over a 4 year relationship? Are you sure you aren't rebounding and then freaking out about it?

 

Yes, I know I am rebounding. I look at this guy and say to myself "is this someone I can get married to?" and I respond "more likely than not, no...". And I guess I am very confused and feel somewhat fooled b/c of the website issue. I am angry with him (not so much b/c of the no condom-- I will get tested this month, by the way, as I'm paranoid about me health!) because I think he is lying to me about wantingt exclusivity and I am offended that he thought he could fool me (his dad actually married his mom, left the mom 13 years later and had three kids on the side! like father, like son? maybe. maybe)

 

Ok. enough rambling. I appreciate your advice. Thanks to your post, I have quite a bit to mull over.... maybe I'm not being fair to him, or myself. Or maybe I'm finding an excuse to cut him out of my life b/c I am so ashamed of having sex with him....?? or maybe I'm right that he is not a "nice" guy as he pretends to be...

[clia]

he calls me every night

 

This is a very good sign!

 

But if he is turning down opportunities, why is he looking at these personal adds?

 

For fun? Maybe he got into the habit of going there before he ever met you and hasn't broken the habit! (Heck, I know I can't stay away from THIS website...ha ha)

 

I get very weirded out when I have sex with someone.

 

Join the club, dear.

 

I understand it is within his rights to look at these sites, but I find it offensive and potentially a reflection of his character (or lack thereof)... particularly the "casual encounters" website! He has also said that he wants to be with me in the past-- if that is the case, then why browse the sites?

 

Maybe he didn't think you liked him? Are you receptive and sweet and wonderful to him? Or are you playing rebound games? There's nothing wrong with keeping options open during the beginning stages of a relationship, at least IMO. Many, many people multiple date until there is an exclusivity discussion. I don't think there is anything wrong with this! We are all looking for that right person and shouldn't take it personally when we aren't that person for someone else. And we shouldn't take it personally when someone is still looking a little before we decide to be exclusive and just pursue this one relationship!

 

He has been very cautious and respectful towards me these last few months

 

Another very good sign.

 

He does, however, have one night stands with people, and I do not trust men who do that. Am I being too...shall we say... judgmental?

 

LOL. Yes, you are. He's a man! He needs sex. Don't forget that men are wired differently than women. Women tend to get all emotional and connected with sex, but men generally don't. (Massive generalization alert!) I'd think he was weird if he never had one night stands. People do it. All The Time. Both men and women. We're human, we have needs! Don't judge him for what he's done in the past. Judge him for what he does now. Toward YOU.

 

I look at this guy and say to myself "is this someone I can get married to?" and I respond "more likely than not, no...".

 

Then why are you so upset? Don't worry your brain about this so much! Have fun! He sounds like a great guy!

 

because I think he is lying to me about wantingt exclusivity and I am offended that he thought he could fool me (his dad actually married his mom, left the mom 13 years later and had three kids on the side! like father, like son? maybe. maybe)

 

Don't hold what his dad did against him. Ever, ever, ever. That's wrong. Why do you think he's lying to you? Are you getting that "There is something not right here" feeling in your gut? For real, or are you imagining it? Are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Until you get that gut feeling *for real* don't worry about it. We have this wonderful women's intuition that will really clue you in if something is wrong. If you are feeling it now, then you are right. I can't feel it through the Internet!

 

Or maybe I'm finding an excuse to cut him out of my life b/c I am so ashamed of having sex with him....??

 

Ding! I think this is the reason. Don't be ashamed! You had fun, right? (I can relate...I went nuts after my 4 year relationship ended! But I don't regret any of it. I needed it.)

 

or maybe I'm right that he is not a "nice" guy as he pretends to be...

 

Maybe he's not. But you'll never know if you break if off now. I still don't think he's really done anything wrong. Now, if he continues to visit these sites when you are exclusive, then you have a problem! But now...nope, I'd give him a chance to prove himself.

 

Call him and tell you him are very sorry and that it won't happen again. Keep the conversation very short. (Guys don't like to talk at length about this stuff.) And see what he says! (Of course, providing you want to keep things going with him. It's all up to you.)

[clia]

Are you sure you are ready for a relationship?

 

Do you maybe need some time on your own to figure stuff out?

 

You are not old. I know you want to get married and all that hoo ha, but you will be much better off in the long term if you take the short term to work on yourself and deal with your break up.

 

Men love women who are independent and confident and who have lives. (Not saying you don't!) I've just found that after a long relationship, I've needed some "me" time to figure things out and get back to what I want out of life, without all these outside influences (a.k.a. boys) interfering with things. Boys are fabulous at making you lose your mind and stress and worry about all kinds of things you shouldn't be wasting your time worrying about! (But I still love them anyway.)

[ashleybandit]

Well, after our conversation today (as he was leaving for the airport) when I told him that I do not see anything long term or serious with him as a result of his website browsing (by the way, the website "casual encounters" site is for anonymous sex, and "women seeking men" is for dating as well as sex), he has not called to apologize or explain his actions.

 

I still find his browsing the websites distasteful. I do. I can't help it. I also think that what his dad did to his mom is pretty bad (and he is very close to his dad). His dad left his mom, has YET TO DIVORCE HER, because he wants access to her money just in case his "new" kids need college tuition. The dad left the mom when the "new kids" were 9, 6 and 3. My male friend was 16 when he found out he had all these half siblings.

 

How can he forgive his deadbeat dad? His dad also did not pay for this guy's college-- his mom's side of the family paid. Now, here's a guy who thinks his dad's an ok guy still, when the dad obviously has NO morals. His dad, 12 years later, still refuses to give the mom a divorce (MA requires that BOTH parties agree to a divorce).

 

On my side, I am concerned that I will have second thoughts or worry if I made a mistake, or that I shouldn't have told him about looking at his drop down menu and judging him accordingly. I actually hope that tomorrow I will not get sad or upset or have my self esteem affected as a result of all this.

 

I don't think that he was the right guy for me anyway, and I was wrestling with this since I am truly looking for someone "right" for me. Again, I consider 31 an age where I cannot continually date people without a goal or a potential game plan going forward. Maybe this is for the best. Isn't it always when things work out a certain way and you have no control over it? You just say "it's for the best", right?

 

Thanks for your replies.

[ashleybandit]

OK. I posted too soon. I was ranting and raving trying to convince myself that this guy is bad. then he just called me about an hour ago and said that he was really confused and hurt and wanted to tell me he surfs these sites out of boredom and has never sent an email. I want to believe him. I asked him why he would feel the need to surf sites like that, unless there was som subconcious desire to meet more poeple. He said he doens't know. "Habit, I guess," he said.

 

He also said his best friend told him not to call me for a few days but he knew that I would be further convinced at his a**h***ness (which would have crystallize in my mind) so he wanted to call me as soon as he landed (he is currently in AZ, we live in NYC). That was smart of him.

 

He said that he realized that I completely weirded out on him and I was finding a reason to get out. He also conceded that we slept together too soon, because I wasn't ready (obviously, based on my freak out session this morning). He knows how conservative I am. I am less upset now about having slept with him because of his phone call, and that there was at least integrity in the physical intimacy.

 

He said he cares for me a lot, but we have to figure out what we want out of this. he is not ready to get married, as he is only 28. I am ready, as I am 31. He says he wants to be in a serious relationship, but not marriage. Obviously it's a little soon to think about it in the first three months-- but I have friends who "knew" within 3-6 months. I want that. I don't want to waste my time in another long term relationship.

 

I thought that I would update you, and thank you for the advice in my mini-crisis mode...

 

again, thanks.