DesperateDad Update

[GreenEyedLady]

I didn't know a person could file online. I thought I was reading that right, your XH is with an OM?! Well wonders never cease! I'm glad you got outta there!

 

I know-technology these days never ceases to amaze me!

 

Yeah, it was an OM...happens more than you'd think...

 

Live and let live is what I always say...and living well is the best revenge!

[DesperateDad]

Last night we had probably the worst fight we've ever had. I had been invited to take the kids over to a neighbor's house for a cookout. During this time, I was approached by several neighbor's who offered support and sympathy for me in my situation. It was really nice to hear once again that they don't think I'm the bad guy.

 

When I brought the kids home, I put one in the shower and told her the others were downstairs finishing a snack. I had to go back to get some stuff and also the oldest who was still playing a video game. This was only a few houses down from mine.

 

When I got there I was only there for a minute when I turn around and my other kids were standing there with me. They had just walked right out and followed me. I took all of them back home this time and started getting them into the shower.

 

I had been drinking a lot so instead of keeping my mouth shut, I made a comment about her being too busy on her computer, once again, to watch the children. With that she was immediately up in my face. We both started letting fly with insults and I called her just about every name in the book. She got so angry she was hitting the wall with her hand and getting so close to me her nose was touching mine.

 

Then she asked me if I wanted to hit her. Unbelievable. I told her that I did, but that I had never done it and I never would. It was so ugly it left me feeling sick inside. I can't believe I ever loved this woman.

 

I went next door after that and had another drink with some neighbors. When I came home, she was writing down on a piece of paper everything I'd said, saying she was going to use it in court because I couldn't say those things in front of the children.

 

We ended up having another nasty fight. I was as sarcastic and hateful as I've ever been. I mocked her relationship with POS and quoted his love letters to her and told her how pathetic they were and what a worthless sack of s*** he was. I told her once again what a liar and a coward he was and what a whore she was.

 

She started telling me that she was going to do all this stuff in court and I just laughed in her face and told her she couldn't possibly get better than the deal I've already offered and she's agreed on. After a little bit, she stopped threatening all the legal action and then started talking about how she was going to find a different place to live than the apartment that would be so close to me. I doubt she'll do this, but who knows?

 

I was as cruel as I've ever been in my life and it makes me sick to think of it. All the while, she was chatting with POS on her computer, telling him what was going on and I'm sure he was coaching her. The two of them are despicable human beings. She's not 100% bad, but just way out of her mind at this point.

 

Maybe I should have blown the lid on the affair a year and a half ago. But, then again, maybe it's better that I just let her do what she's done so that I really know who I'm dealing with now...

 

I can understand now why POS's wife used to act so crazy all the time. She would get so mad at him she would be screaming obscenities at him right in front of everyone and he would just sit there and goad her on with these looks. I think he was trying to get sympathy and it worked.

 

I can't believe I married this woman and I can't believe I've lowered myself to act like this. I'm ashamed and sick over the whole thing.

[Woggle]

IfI were you I would just tell her that you have emotionally left this relationship and the two of you will only speak when it comes to the kids. Be civil to her b ut very businesslike. The sooner you have her out of your life the better.

[Gunny376]

You need to get angry ~ mad! You deserve to get mad ~ angry! You're entitled to it ~ in so long as you do it construtively, and without malice and without hurting her nor stepping over the line of the law.

 

Why? You poured your heart and soul into this woman, this marriage, this family. You worked your ass off, you gave all you had! You don't deserve this crap! You deserve more and better.

 

You're a good man, a good Dad, and a good husband, and you deserve better than this crap DD! You took this woman with a child by another man in, scrarificed, did without, worked your azz off, gave her four children, put a roof over their heads, food in their mouths, clothes on their back ~ and this is how your wife re-pays you, by trying to make you out to believe your evil incarnate?

 

Granted! There were things about being married, about being a father, about being a husband you JUST didn't know? That's called LIFE! You live and learn! You improvise, adapt and overcome! You fake it until you make it!

 

I'm not going to sit here and tell you BS. This S***t HURTS to the core, to the bone. And, its a life alterating event ~ you'll never be the same again. It'll put you down on your ever-loving knees and crying you ever-loving eyes out.

 

YOU deserve better, your entitled to better! You don't deserve this BS! You DID your part! You sucked it up and you were a man! Granted! You could have done better, scarificed more, etc ~ but you gave all you had at the time, and knowing what you know now ~ you would have given more! But you didn't! So you couldn't ~ but there's no doubt in my military mind that you gave 100% ~ 100% of the time ~ at the time!

 

I've got a LOT of RESPECT for you DD! It takes a MAN to go through what you're going through, do what you're having to do, and stand by those children!

 

It brings a Spartian tear to my eye! I feel your pain ~ Brother!

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sure you feel bad for losing your temper... but I have to wonder if you actually said anything she didn't have coming. I can't imagine anything you could have said which would be as mean as what she has done.

 

Here's the deal though.... we NEVER.. EVER.. fight and belittle our kids' other parent where they can see and hear. So, if you're going to feel bad about something, THAT's the thing to feel bad about. Your STBXW is a lying, conniving, SNEAK. But your kids love her anyway.

 

You seem like a good guy, DD. I have to think that if you hadn't had a few drinks in you.. this would never have happened.

 

Times of stress are NOT the best times to indulge. It's better to be dry as a bone until the worst is over. I like a beer or glass of wine myself... but I didn't touch a drop for something like three months at the height of crisis in my marriage. As good as my self-control usually is... I couldn't afford to take chances.

 

Me to you... stay off the sauce 'til you're on solid ground again. I'm not saying you have a drinking problem, mind you. I'm just saying stress and alcohol don't mix.

 

Sumdude and Art Critic are your best go-to guys on this.

Read some of their posts, and check in with them if you need some encouragement.

 

 

 

(I'm gonna have to put up my Gone Fishin' avatar. I've got more to do lately than I can say grace over, so I'll be back to check in on everybody when I can.

 

Y'all be good. :bunny: )

[bkz]

Hey DD, sorry to here things ended up like this for you. The sooner you move on the better though. Stop engaging her!!!!!!!! Its what she wants and all your doing is making things easier on her and harder on you. Talk ONLY about the children, PERIOD. Also, file for divorce TODAY!!!!! Put yourself in the drivers seat, I wish I would have trust me. Im not sure about were you live but I live in a no fault state and infidelity doesnt matter and at this point it shouldnt matter to you either just file and get away from her. When I found out about my STBXW's affair I exposed it to EVERYONE including her parents, his parents, the YMCA (were they met, he volontiered there part time) and to his boss were he worked. Her parents cant stand him and remain close to me. His parent have blocked him completely out of there lives (they're VERY religious). They YMCA banned him for life and his boss (also very religious) said if she found out it was true shed fire him, well he's not working there anymore!!! Paybacks a BITCH!!!!

 

I told my kids I love there mom and I didnt want a divorce it was there moms desision. My kids were around the OM the whole time and asked about him as well. I told them mommy's and daddy's shouldnt have boy/girlfreinds when there married and thats why I didnt like the OM. I also continually and still tell them its nothing they did and its just mommy and daddy that caused this to happen. Trust me bro they will eventually see what shes done, mine have, and talk openly about it now. If I remember correctly your kids are around the same age (5-9) except for one younger one? Just be honest, loving and reasuring with them without being angry or bitter and you'll be fine. They will see everything for what it is later and you for the good parent you are for handling things so well and being there for them.

[sumdude]

Well you let fly with all that rage ... the drinks lowered your normal inhibitions and it happened. At least you showed her your not a total piece of carpet. But seriously, careful with the booze.... it will only make the healing harder and take longer if you get lost in it. Especially if you're taking care of kids. You don't want to end up with another problem on your plate when you come out of the other side of all this.

 

If the kids heard all this you need to sit them down and explain that mommies actions have hurt you badly and when people are hurt they get angry. Be sure they know they've had absolutly nothing to do with it.

[DesperateDad]

Guys, thanks! She and I both apologized to each other this morning. She even told me she's sorry her actions hurt me. There was even some slight recognition that her affair wasn't a good idea, but her plans to be with this guy have not changed.

 

I talked to all of the kids and apologized to them for yelling at their mother like that. I said it was wrong for me to do and then I kissed and hugged each one (there are 5 between the ages of 2 and 7,bkz - good to hear from you again, buddy!) and told them I loved them.

 

Lots of things have happened today, though. I told you about how we were all moving into the same apartment complex. Well, things have changed. She's been turned down and doesn't know where she and the kids will be living now. I also found out that POS's application was denied for bad credit! I was shocked for a minute because he's always been talking about how much money he makes! What an incredible liar.

 

Now, I'm really worried about where my kids will be. STBXW blames me that they can't stay in the neighborhood because everyone knows. She said I could have told them not to talk! I told her they came up and talked to me about it and that everyone knew more than I did!

 

I'm meeting my attorney this week and I have everything set to move out this weekend. I'll be fine. My only concern is about where my kids will be. I don't trust POS and think they will end up moving in together so they can afford it. I've always been suspicious of his talk about money and other things. Maybe this is the beginning of the big reality check. Karma...

[Darth Vader]

DD, First of all, WAY TO GOOOOO! MANNING UP! Ahem, ok. What happened with the blow up needed to happen, you needed to get all that crap out, and she needed to hear it. I hate this double standard Bullcrap about how a woman can beat the snott out of a man and he has to take it, RIIIGHT! Thank God you kept your cool enough not to hit her, she would've used it against you for sure. Don't you have it agreed that OM can't move in with her and the children? Have you ever thought of getting this OM checked out? His history? Lots of child preditors out there! Or any felonies, I suggest that you talk to your lawyer about all of this, as to not take any chances with your children. If her messing around on ya with OM can be used, great. The thing about the apartment, hmmm, if they can't find a place to stay, and you well.........

 

have your place all set up:rolleyes:, well the children have got to stay somewhere, RIGHT?!:cool: You know you ain't gonna lose your apartment to her and OM, OK, I'll spell it out to ya, if they FIND a place BEFORE the divorce goes through, YOU would have to have custody of the children! Do I have to tell you people everything?!:lmao: You know, I realised something, if your STBXW is out messin around with OM, your children are still growing up, FAST! As the saying goes, their only young once, your STBXW is missing out on their growing up, because she's in a fantasy land, not reality, she's squandering time that should be used for your children, she'll never get that back! You got that time with your children, use it wisely!

[DesperateDad]

You guys are right about the alcohol. I tend to self-medicate a bit when I'm stressed or down. It's probably one of the reasons I never really faced the problems in my marriage. I could always feel better after a couple of drinks.

 

Tonight I went over to my brother's place after work and didn't have anything to drink. I feel much better now and far more lucid. I realized also that I have power now because I'm taking control of my life. I'm going to ask my lawyer's advice and then ask him to file right away if there are no reasons not to. I need to get past all this and just do it.

 

I got to tuck all of my little ones into bed tonight and talk to all of them a little bit beforehand. Here I am laying in bed with my laptop and two sleeping babies beside me and everything feels good. Living in the moment...

[sumdude]

You guys are right about the alcohol. I tend to self-medicate a bit when I'm stressed or down. It's probably one of the reasons I never really faced the problems in my marriage. I could always feel better after a couple of drinks.

 

Tonight I went over to my brother's place after work and didn't have anything to drink. I feel much better now and far more lucid. I realized also that I have power now because I'm taking control of my life. I'm going to ask my lawyer's advice and then ask him to file right away if there are no reasons not to. I need to get past all this and just do it.

 

I got to tuck all of my little ones into bed tonight and talk to all of them a little bit beforehand. Here I am laying in bed with my laptop and two sleeping babies beside me and everything feels good. Living in the moment...

 

Yeah, alcohol can make a great fertilizer .... for problems. You're doing the right thing, take control of your life and the divorce. If you don't someone with far less responsibility and scuples will.

[DesperateDad]

I've managed to not get into any more fights this week with the STBXW. I finalized all my arrangements for my new place and I'll definitely be moving out over the weekend.

 

I also met with my attorney and got the ball rolling for the divorce. I'm getting together some more information and also trying to scrape together the money I need to file next week. I may have to wait until my next payday, though.

 

I feel like I've made some progress this week and I'm finally taking control of my life. Thanks to everyone who's helped me out here with the great advice!

[DesperateDad]

Today is my last day here in the house with the kids. I've moved almost all my stuff to my apartment and I'll be staying there tonight. I have to keep telling myself I'm only divorcing the wife and not the kids. I've already arranged for them to come and stay with me Tuesday night.

 

The weekend has gone pretty well and hasn't been too tense. I'm honestly feeling like I'm in a daze. I know this'll all pass as time goes by. I'll get used to living my own life.

 

We've had some discussions about custody and I think we have that mostly worked out. Each of us is worried that we won't have the freedom to do the things we want to. I can understand that since we're both wanting to move on with our lives and since there's been so much distrust over the past year. Some emotional distance will help...

 

I guess I can't complain too much right now.

[ilmw]

Today is my last day here in the house with the kids. I've moved almost all my stuff to my apartment and I'll be staying there tonight. I have to keep telling myself I'm only divorcing the wife and not the kids. I've already arranged for them to come and stay with me Tuesday night.

 

The weekend has gone pretty well and hasn't been too tense. I'm honestly feeling like I'm in a daze. I know this'll all pass as time goes by. I'll get used to living my own life.

 

We've had some discussions about custody and I think we have that mostly worked out. Each of us is worried that we won't have the freedom to do the things we want to. I can understand that since we're both wanting to move on with our lives and since there's been so much distrust over the past year. Some emotional distance will help...

 

I guess I can't complain too much right now.

 

It is very hard a first... being away from the kids... When you are not there with them all the time...

 

I found that my apartment was sooo quite... I had a hard time at first with that.... I would come home from work or being out... and would just turn on the TV for some background noise.

 

Being alone was not as bad as I figured it would be... but it does take time getting used to.

[GreenEyedLady]

The weekend has gone pretty well and hasn't been too tense. I'm honestly feeling like I'm in a daze. I know this'll all pass as time goes by. I'll get used to living my own life.

 

Each of us is worried that we won't have the freedom to do the things we want to. I can understand that since we're both wanting to move on with our lives and since there's been so much distrust over the past year. Some emotional distance will help...

 

Congratulations on your new home! That's what it is, you know...You'll probably feel like you're in a daze for awhile, but the daze will get shorter and shorter when you adjust...You'll make your own life with your kids and this is your new beginning!

 

I think that emotional distance will be what you need-no more fighting and the constant reminders of what once was...

 

Don't worry about having the freedom to do what you want to do...you two can work it out...Just make sure that you meet your children's needs first...

 

Caution to the wise...don't try to move on too fast...take your time, do what you need to do and decide the direction that you want your life to go...rebounding is really easy to do when you've been hurt in a R...

 

Take care of yourself!

 

(((HUGS)))

[Gunny376]

Rule One ~ Breath

 

Rule Two ~ Inhale

 

Rule Three ~ Exhale

 

Back to the basics of "living!

 

Say again over and over ~ a million and one million times !

 

"Its going to be ALRIGHT! ~ ITS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT! NO MATTER WHAT! ITS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT! I WILL SURVIE!

 

I know your "down on you knees" crying to God pain!

 

I'm here for you DD! Keep posting!

 

One day at a time! One day at a time!

[DesperateDad]

Thanks, everyone. The last day in the house on Sunday was harder for me than the two days on my own have been. It's been so long since I've given up on the marriage that I don't miss my STBXW at all. I only miss my kids.

 

When I was leaving, my twin girls (they will be 4 next month) and their baby brother (2) were very clingy. One of the girls told me in a choked up voice that she wouldn't have a daddy anymore. I assured her that I would always be her daddy and that I would always be there for her, but hearing that just tore my heart out. They kept hugging me and kissing me and telling me they loved me.

 

The first night away, my ex called me because my son (he's 7) wanted to talk to me. He was really upset. He's normally a pretty stoic and mature little guy, but he was having a real hard time. He asked me to come back and say goodnight to him. It was really difficult to tell him that I just couldn't do that, but that I loved him very much and would see him in just a couple days.

 

Most of you know already that I have spent lots of time with my kids over the last few years. I usually was the one to get up with them in the morning and the one who bathed them and put them to bed 4-5 nights a week. They have been used to me spending lots of time with them.

 

Back to right now. My first two nights have been pretty good. I haven't gotten much sleep because I've stayed up late, keeping busy with organizing things and then just vegging in front of the tv (thank god for cable) with a beer. I have to admit, the alone time is really nice.

 

I'm not as lonely as I was afraid I would be. I really do miss the kids, but they'll be coming over and spending the night with me tonight. I'm planning on just chilling out and having fun. I'm not going to worry about anything or try to do anything out of the ordinary.

 

One funny thing: Has anyone else in this situation started to yell at the kids when they heard a loud noise in the apartment upstairs? I had to stop myself several times already...

[Gunny376]

I'm not as lonely as I was afraid I would be. I really do miss the kids, but they'll be coming over and spending the night with me tonight. I'm planning on just chilling out and having fun. I'm not going to worry about anything or try to do anything out of the ordinary.

 

The hardest part was the actual doing ~ you'll do just fine ~ you'll see! I actually prefer it now that I've been at it for a number of years ~ I have a hard time seeing myself going back into bondage ~ uh ~ I mean getting married again.

 

One funny thing: Has anyone else in this situation started to yell at the kids when they heard a loud noise in the apartment upstairs? I had to stop myself several times already...

 

LOL! I had some trouble with the kids bassing-out their stereo during the day when I was on third.

 

I own a Yamaha DSP-1 Surrond Sound Amp, with Bose Speakers. I can usually adjust the sound field just right to where I don't have to play it very loud ~ and still get a good sound.

 

After repeated efforts of being "nice" I came in from work one morning at six in the morning, turn my stereo on, cracked that sucker up, bassed out the sub-woffer, and inserted one might all time favorite CD's.....................

 

"Greatest Hits Of the United States Marine Corps Band" :lmao:

 

After that? We had you might call an "understanding" and "mutual agreement!"

[midlife2]

Kudos to you for putting your children first. They will NEVER forget it. I think you will do just fine even with that good for nothing *&%&* living in the same area. Remember, KARMA, she will get hers, sometimes we're lucky enough to be alive and see it, sometimes not, but know in your heart...she WILL get hers. Keep moving forward and never lose faith, God only gives us what we can handle and he takes care of the rest!!

[DesperateDad]

Gunny, that's funny! My dad used to wake us up on Saturday mornings with the Ohio State Fight Song blasting out of the record player!

 

 

Midlife2, I feel the same way. I suppose I'm getting paid back in some way for my own past transgressions. Who knows? I don't want bad things to happen to the ex, but I can't help but hope that her new relationship doesn't work out. This guy doesn't deserve to have what I worked so hard for...