Very complicated feelings

[Sparky]

Hey everyone! I'm having this weird feeling and thought maybe talking about it would make me feel better. This is long and gonna be tough to explain...

 

I have a good friend that I've met through college, which was almost 2 years ago. She's supported me, helped me out with school work, great to talk to, kind, understanding, looks out for me. I find her attractive as well.

 

Some other things that I really like about her is that she's very open about her feelings and experiences. I can't explain HOW, but I've always sensed a kind of promiscuous (not SLUTTY) side to her, which I find attractive. To top it off she's quite affectionate at times (touch on the shoulder, chest, arm, sometimes a hug). With some other people, she'll sit on their lap or hold their hand, which makes me very jealous because they're just friends as well.

 

Up until about a year ago, I started to frequently fantasize about her (sexually, in case you've been wondering), and never before in my life have my fantasies ever been as hot with her than anybody else I've thought about. Nowadays, it's not nearly as frequent.

 

A few weeks ago, there was a little get together for people in our program, she came as well and we all had a great time.

 

But a few days later, my other friend that was there msged me on MSN and told me that I made some people feel uncomfortable. I can't imagine HOW, because nobody showed any obvious sign to me that they were uncomfortable around me.

 

Then he goes on to tell me that I've done the same thing to that girl; even at school, to the point where she had to call her boyfriend (at the time) to make her feel better. I was so confused and shocked and none of what he told me made ANY sense. She's done everything a friend would do for me, and maybe MORE than a normal friend would. I've never done anything out of the ordinary, like touch her inappropriately, hit on her, make threats, or anything like that.

 

So I decided to confront her about everything he said, and it's ALL TRUE. I was shocked, hurt, confused, and angry all at once. I never lashed out at her, but I thought about it. Why didn't she say anything to me? I thought she trusted me. Our relationship, from what I could see, was practically flawless! Why would she keep something so serious from me? I didn't know who to be mad with: The other guy for sticking his nose in our business, myself for not seeing this, or her for not telling me.

 

It wasn't easy, but I controlled myself and we discussed it a bit. She said that now it's nothing to worry about, and we agreed that she would tell me whenever I made her feel uncomfortable.

 

When I went to sleep today, I had a dream that I was surfing the internet and found pictures of her doing porn. I guess it must've been because I've always thought that she'd make a good pornstar because of that "promiscuousity" I've sensed in her. God, I wish that dream never ended!!

 

It's weird, but it was that dream that made me want to start this thread.

 

So now, I'm really confused as to what I feel for her. I guess I like her more than a friend because of the things I like about her that I mentioned earlier, but it's having sex with her that I can't stop thinking about.

 

If you've been able to read this far on on here, I salute you.

 

Any inputs or suggestions? I'm not really sure what I want in this situation, other than sex.

[WarriorPoet]

I would have to say that the fact she told you that you freaked her out or whatever means that your so hung up on her you don't even realize that your leering at her, hitting on her or getting way to close to her in situations that don't call for it, and the fact that this has been happening and you don't even know it! Thats bad.

 

You need to back way off this chick

 

She knows you dream about her, she tiny reflections of your fantasies in your glazed over eyes when you stare at...you slammin her from behind..

 

Its bad and she's wigged about it you need to leave her alone for awile and then come back to her when all this obsesson sstops, but not until then, and apologize, not for the sex dreams(god dont admit to that) but for being an ass. Don't make any excuses, just say, "god, I am so sorry I made you feel like that, I it was never my intention." Maybe, then you can at least have a good relationship with her

 

As it stands now she thinks you have no respect for her, her relationship/s, or even her as a person

 

[Sparky]

Wow, that seemed a little bit of a harsh reply.

 

I haven't been acting like an ass. I've been very conscious of my actions around her and I KNOW that I haven't done anything to suggest what I feel for her. And my intentions have never pointed to anything other than a friendship.

 

All this fantasizing that I describe earlier started to happen AFTER the school year was over, not during the school year. I never saw her for the whole summer, AND I wasn't returning to the same class as her in September. Sorry for not pointing that out earlier.

 

So there's no way she could possibly know what I think, unless of course she can read minds, then I'm in BIG trouble.

 

But you are right about needing to cool off. I have to give you THAT.

[WarriorPoet]

Woman pick up allot more of our feelings than we often know, its not difficult to unwittingly show a feeling or intent we never wanted to.

 

If Both other people and her have strange feeling about the way you behave when your around her, you are most likely "telegraphing" your desires more that you realize.

 

As far as the fantasizing thing...I can tell you that often it is the women we can't have, the ones who really give us no particular reason for turning us down that we fantasize about.

 

What do you do about it? Enjoy it, its not illegal and its damn near the real thing! Just don't have those fantasies while she's around you and don't go telling anyone that may allow them to get back to her.

[Sparky]

I understand that people can pick up on things without saying it directly. That's how I sensed that horny side of her (which I crave dearly ).

 

Let me try and explain why I'm positive that it's impossible for her to know how I feel:

 

We were in the same program last year; from September to April. After April hit, I was told that I didn't have the marks to get into next year, which means if I wanted to return, I had to take the following year off and then reapply to the program.

 

For that whole summer, I never even contacted to her. That's when all the frequent fantasies started to happen. During her school year, I've only talked to her in person twice.

 

Can you see NOW why there's no possible way for her to know?

[WarriorPoet]

In that case you probably have some way about you that makes some people feel "uncomfortable" I don't know you so I acn't point out to you what it is, but you must.

 

Talk to some friends about it, have them grab you and pull you off to the side when they see it happenin, so you will know exactly what it is that your doing, and then have themm explian and point out what it is that makes people feel this way.

 

I can tell your not the kind of guy who wants to do this to people and probably hurts you to have people tell you that it is happening, but it is a fixable problem and your doing a very positive thing in reaching out to get the help you need to mend the problem.

[Sparky]

Thanks WarriorPoet!

 

My other friend HAS brought me aside and pointed some things out that may bother people. For example, when we all went out for dinner, he told me that when he and another guy got up to play some pool, I moved over to talk to some of the other girls. While my intentions were just to get a conversation rolling and getting to know them, he told me that what I did appeared to be "creepy" behaviour.

 

While my own intentions of my actions are completely innocent, it appears that other people see it as creepy. I can't understand how it can possibly be unusual because everyone else acts the same way.

 

I mean, it's not like I really give a crap what people think of me. That doesn't mean I won't try to treat them with respect. I feel that if people have a problem with what I'm doing, they should come out and say it.

[Lady Aurora]

Sparky, there has been some good advice for you here in this thread. I think your friend that took you aside is trying to help you. Listen to him.

 

The whole point is that you may think your actions are innocent, but other people perceive them differently. What is important, is how your actions are perceived, regardless of intent.

 

As for people coming out and saying something to you. Well, life would be better off if more people spoke up when they were uncomfortable, but frankly most people won't. And ultimately, you are the one responsible for your own actions, not them.

 

Perhaps you are not as good at reading people as you think you are.

 

Aura

[polywog]

This may help you. I met a guy, I'll call him J, through a group of friends that had an antique shop in town. We'd all sit around and shoot the breeze, it was a nice hang out. I was married at the time, totally unavailable. J was a great guy, and we became friends, though we only saw each other on the street or at the shop. I began to notice that he just stared at me, a lot. I never acted flirty with him, by the way... just treated him the same way I treated my other friends.

 

Once I was visiting a woman who lived next door to J and he saw me and I stopped by his place to look at his work (he was a very talented furniture maker). In his place, I just started feeling a bit creeped out because I got the feeling that he had a huge crush on me and I felt a little trapped and uncomfortable. He didn't say anything or try to put any moves on me, it was just a vibe coupled with the staring. Kind of like a dog that is waiting for you to throw it a treat.

 

I did find out from our mutual friends that he had a huge crush on me. Fine, everyone gets crushes, but his obsessive staring really bothered me, and I felt like avoiding him. He was a great person, and I don't think that he realized that his staring and vibe bothered me. I'm sure he'd have been mortified if he knew it creeped me out.

 

Maybe you are doing something unconscious like J was.

[Sparky]

Maybe you are doing something unconscious like J was.

 

Maybe I am. And thanks for that reply, polywog. I think I have a better understanding of what I could be putting out, and I can really relate to J. I've never stared at her like J did to you, because like I mentioned before, I didn't start to have these feelings towards her until after the school year ended. After that, I rarely saw her again. And I've never told anyone about how I've felt about her.

 

Now that I think about it, I had a short temper that DID scare some people. I never screamed or was violent, but I wished that I could. I always thought about it when I was angry. People frequently got on my nerves in class. It was either delibrate or they were just being self-centered and stuck-up.

 

That's the only thing I could think of that would make others feel uncomfortable. I never worried about that because I thought that if they knew how I felt, they wouldn't delibrately get on my bad side.

[Star Gazer]

I find the entire first post in this thread almost creepy.

[Sparky]

I find the entire first post in this thread almost creepy.

 

If you're going to post a comment like that, at least explain yourself. I came here to find some help.

[Star Gazer]

First, what advice/help are you even looking for? It's totally unclear. You even admit you're not sure what you want, perhaps just sex. I'm sure she can pick up on that. Call it woman's intuition if you must, but she obviously picked up what you were laying down, as she told you (and others) that your behavior was making her uncomfortable. Anything longer than a glance, with a certain look in the eye, can be creepy. A woman KNOWS when a guy wants to have sex with her, and it's really uncomfortable when you know this, and also know he's pretending to be "friends" under the pretense of eventually bumping uglies. It's ... creepy, for lack of a better word.

 

Moreover, just because you've only seen her in person twice during the past school year doesn't mean that in those two times (and allllll the times you interacted in the year previous, particularly when you were having frequent fantasies) you didn't give away your fantasies through your interaction.

 

I don't know, really. Maybe it's your avatar. For some reason I can just see how she would be uncomfortable, because your posts kinda do as well.

[Sparky]

I don't know, really. Maybe it's your avatar. For some reason I can just see how she would be uncomfortable, because your posts kinda do as well.

 

My avatar???

 

I'm not pretending to be friends with her. She really is a good friend of mine. If you read my earlier posts, she's helped me and been there more than anyone else ever has in my life.

[Star Gazer]

She's a good friend of yours and yet you're thinking all you want from her is SEX? Hmm. No wonder she's uncomfortable...

[Sparky]

She's a good friend of yours and yet you're thinking all you want from her is SEX? Hmm. No wonder she's uncomfortable...

 

If you actually READ my first post, you would've seen "I'm not really sure what I want in this situation, other than sex. :lmao:" MEANING, I like her as a friend, but maybe more, OR maybe it's nothing more than a normal sexual fantasy like all other men have about women. I can't figure it out. That's why I'm discussing it.

 

Read the posts before you say something.

[Lizzie60]

It's hard to say what it is exactly that you want. She could be just a sexual fantasy... maybe it's more... I don't really know.

 

My advice... from what I read, she just want to be friend with you... so don't let her know that you want more than friendship... just be nice, friendly, no 'hints' that she is sexy, etc. be independant (she might feel you're a little bit desperate for sex)...just go with the flow and see where it goes...

 

In the meantime, enjoy your wet dreams and your masturbation sessions fantasizing about her... nothing wrong with that.

[Sparky]

YAY!! Lizzie comes to the rescue!!

 

It's hard to say what it is exactly that you want. She could be just a sexual fantasy... maybe it's more... I don't really know.

 

Know you know how confused I feel...

 

I know she just wants to be friends with me. That's the big wall in this problem with my feelings. She's a really good friend of mine, but I just can't seem to ignore this sexual vibe I get from her.

 

One big confusion from all this is that I can't seem to figure out if there's something wrong in my actions and really am unconsciously giving people bad vibes, or is it a misinterpretation on my friends' part.

 

In the meantime, enjoy your wet dreams and your masturbation sessions fantasizing about her... nothing wrong with that.

 

Oh, don't worry. I will...

 

And, if you don't mind me asking, is there a particular reason why you have a picture of your boobs as your avatar? Not that I'm complaining or anything (VERY nice, by the way ), just curious...

[Lady Aurora]

Sparky, I think you are just horny.

 

I know she just wants to be friends with me. That's the big wall in this problem with my feelings. She's a really good friend of mine, but I just can't seem to ignore this sexual vibe I get from her.

 

Have you considered that maybe this sexual vibe you get from her is more what you want to see than what may really be there? You know some girls are very sensual and flirtatious. She may be very naive to the body language she is throwing out. You are obviously picking up on something, but your own desires could be magnifying what is really there.

 

I have had men in the past that became sexually or emotionally attracted to me, and what the hell kind of signal they picked up on, I don't know. But, there are some men that think a simple "hello" is a sign you want them. No, sorry, just wishful thinking on their part! Those guys needed to step out of fantasy land and get a dose of reality. And yes, it can be creepy when a guy starts picking up on signals that don't exist. (And I am very aware of my body language and what vibes I give off.)

 

You have this sexual attraction to this girl, it doesn't seem to be reciprocated. Nothing wrong with having your fantasies - until they start to creep the friend out. Not saying you can't have your little dreams, but perhaps you need to give the real thing a little distance and cool things off.

 

Aura

[Sparky]

Sparky, I think you are just horny.

 

That DOES play a big roll in all this, I admit.

 

Have you considered that maybe this sexual vibe you get from her is more what you want to see than what may really be there?

 

No, I never thought of that before, but I'm positive that's not the case. The way she jokes around, teases, etc. It's different.

 

Not saying you can't have your little dreams, but perhaps you need to give the real thing a little distance and cool things off.

 

I'm not quite following you here. Can you explain it a little further please?

[Lady Aurora]

The way she jokes around, teases, etc. It's different.

I've heard THAT before!

 

Sparky, not only are you horny, but I am thinking you are a bit arrogant as well. You say you are positive that she has this "promiscuous" side that you have always found attractive. And that you are positive she could not possibly know you have fantasies for her, and yet she admits to being creeped out by you. AND your friend says you have done this to other women.

 

I am here to tell ya Sparky, women can be sexy and flirtatious and NOT be thinking about getting into your pants. That's how men would think, but women are wired a whole different way. Of course, trying to decipher the whole thing without seeing it is pretty hard. That's why I would rely heavily on what your friend is trying to say to you. You are obviously oblivious to some vibe you are giving off. My guess would be Poly nailed it, and you are leering. Maybe your friend can video tape you at a party or something. ( I am not suggesting a hidden camera, either). I bet if you watched yourself on video act this way, your mouth would be on the floor. You would be so shocked at the messages we all send and we aren't even aware of it!

 

When I say you need to give the real thing some distance, I mean with this friend of yours. Even though she has agreed to tell you if you make her uncomfortable again, I can almost guarantee she will not say anything unless it is really bad. For the sake of your friendship, be rather cool towards her until your hormones settle down. You may think you are being distant, but if you are giving off this creepy vibe, you will probably be acting just about right IRL.

 

Aura

[Sparky]

Thanks for clearing that up for me, but I've never seen myself as arrogant or try to be anyway. I don't see myself as any more or less important than the next human being (if THAT'S your definition of being arrogant).

 

And as much as I hate to admit this, I think you're right that I am oblivious to the vibes I'm giving off. This is what's so frustrating! If there IS something I'm doing wrong, I can't figure out what it is. And no matter how good my intensions seem to be, it doesn't come across that way to other people.

 

Maybe I should start doing things with bad intentions and maybe it'll come across as friendly and charming. :lmao:

 

But seriously, can you or Poly or anyone else maybe list some types of behaviour that you would classify as "creepy" and "not creepy"? I think that would really help me (I hope) understand if there IS something I'm doing wrong or maybe it's a misinterpretation on their part.

 

I am here to tell ya Sparky, women can be sexy and flirtatious and NOT be thinking about getting into your pants.

 

Can you also give me some examples and signs that would indicate when they do and don't want to get into my pants?

[Star Gazer]

If you actually READ my first post, you would've seen "I'm not really sure what I want in this situation, other than sex. :lmao:" MEANING, I like her as a friend, but maybe more, OR maybe it's nothing more than a normal sexual fantasy like all other men have about women. I can't figure it out. That's why I'm discussing it.

 

Read the posts before you say something.

 

Don't be snappy. You're not always going to get opinions you agree with. I'm interpreting your words and actions here, that's all I have to go by...just like your friend. Obviously something you're doing/saying is making her uncomfortable, I'm merely trying to explain to you the possible reasons why.

 

That said, I DID read your post and no interpretation was necessary. Saying, (AND I QUOTE) "...not sure what I want...other than sex..." you ARE saying at this point ALL YOU KNOW YOU WANT IS SEX.

 

From a friend. Who's helped you through trying times. Who you assume is promiscuous.

 

Part of what makes you seem a little creepy and ARROGANT is the way you do THIS. It's very intense and yet and serious and yet so casual. Your intentions are unclear, just as your friend's are.

 

I agree with Aura - you're assuming she's promiscuous while being clueless about the vibes you're giving off.

[Sparky]

Okay, I'm sorry for being snappy. I was just a little offended from your last post, saying that I was pretending to be her friend and it sounded like I'm some sort of pig, which is not true at all. I consider her a close friend and I think that's why I might be developing feelings for her.

 

Maybe my intensions are unclear, but they're not negative at all. I mean, it's normal to be sexually attracted to someone. We all have someone(s) we wish we could be intimate with.

 

The one thing I can't get around my head is why her actions never changed. I mean, she still helped me out, was there for me, and she even said a few times that she cares and sometimes gets worried about me. Is my friend just complicated? Or are all women this complicated?

 

And I'm starting to think that Aura's right too. Maybe there is something there that I'm not noticing. But the frustrating part is that I never saw anything obvious.

[blue16]

Okay, I'm sorry for being snappy. I was just a little offended from your last post, saying that I was pretending to be her friend and it sounded like I'm some sort of pig, which is not true at all. I consider her a close friend and I think that's why I might be developing feelings for her.

 

I think what Star Gazer means by 'pretending to be her friend' is that you obviously want to be more than friends, but you're being her friend as a backup plan hoping that at some point you'll have an opportunity to make a move or she might like you. Lots of guys do this...it's pretty lame actually. If you're getting jealous when she's with other guys, then you need to look at whether you can really be friends with her. I have a couple female friends, and although I might be mildly attracted to them it's a passing attraction at best. I'm not jealous when they hook up with other guys, I can root for them and help them out with guy problems without any hidden agenda. That's what being friends with the opposite sex is about, not secretly pining over someone. And the girls that I do get jealous if they're with another guy, I kick them to the curb and move on.

 

As for the original topic premise, I'm confused as to what advice you're seeking as well. Why do you want us to help you decide whether it's just sex you want with her or a relationship? Who cares? I think it's pretty obvious you would want a relationship with her, but you feel sex is a more likely (but still no chance) option since she is 'promiscuous'. But it doesn't matter either way because you're in the friend zone so it's best to accept that fact or move on from her.