Very complicated feelings

[Sparky]

I think what Star Gazer means by 'pretending to be her friend' is that you obviously want to be more than friends, but you're being her friend as a backup plan hoping that at some point you'll have an opportunity to make a move or she might like you. Lots of guys do this...it's pretty lame, actually.

 

We are friends now, which I've pointed out a couple times now. I guess I just keep on thinking "I wish we were friends with benefits, or more". Nothing wrong with going from friends to lovers, right? Not like that's going to happen or anything.

 

As for the original topic premise, I'm confused as to what advice you're seeking as well. Why do you want us to help you decide whether it's just sex you want with her or a relationship?

 

I was just hoping that maybe someone or someone they know had been in a situation like this one, which could help me understand if I'm just horny or have feelings for her. I think it's pretty obvious that I have feelings and care for her which lead to the fantasies about her.

[Star Gazer]

In this situation, I think YOU are the only one who knows to what level your feelings for this girl have grown, and yet you're still unclear in that regard. To clarify for US, answer these questions:

 

1. If she said, "Go to he-ll, I never want to see you again, you weirdo!!", how would you respond?

 

2. If she said, "I want to have wild, passionate hot monkey sex with you right now, but I want to be able to go do the same thing with dude 2, dude 3, and dude 4 tomorrow," how would you respond?

 

3. If she said, "It's all or nothing. A real relationship, complete with sex and feelings, or nothing at all," how would you respond?

 

4. What kind of sexual fantasies are you having? Are they romantic, or more animalistic?

[Sparky]

Wow, I've never been given these kinds of questions before. Alright! Here we go!

 

1. If she said, "Go to he-ll, I never want to see you again, you weirdo!!", how would you respond?

 

At first, I'd feel shocked, crushed, and confused. I would try and talk to her as to why she would say something like that, like "Where is this coming from?" If that doesn't work, I'd give her time and space to cool off and try again later; a few days if need be. If she then refuses to work things out, I'd say "Fine, be like that. I just want to know what's bothering you and to make things better. If you want to be vindictive and refuse to let me know what's wrong, then I don't want to see you again either, because I don't need or want friends like that."

 

2. If she said, "I want to have wild, passionate hot monkey sex with you right now, but I want to be able to go do the same thing with dude 2, dude 3, and dude 4 tomorrow," how would you respond?

 

I never imagined her saying it like that. I honestly have no idea how I would respond to it.

 

3. If she said, "It's all or nothing. A real relationship, complete with sex and feelings, or nothing at all," how would you respond?

 

I would say "I would love nothing more than a real, complete, and intimate relationship with you! You've just made me the happiest person in the world!"

 

4. What kind of sexual fantasies are you having? Are they romantic, or more animalistic?

 

They're ALWAYS passionate and romantic. The whole reason why I have sexual fantasies about her is because she looks out for me, cares, helps me out when I need it, and a person I don't think I've ever trusted more in my life.

[Yamaha]

It's always "creepy" when they have no interest in you. If she wanted your attention she wouldn't find your behavior "creepy".

 

You are definitely in the friends zone. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is "what do you want and can you see her as just a friend".

[Star Gazer]

It's always "creepy" when they have no interest in you. If she wanted your attention she wouldn't find your behavior "creepy".

 

Very good point.

[Sparky]

It's always "creepy" when they have no interest in you. If she wanted your attention she wouldn't find your behavior "creepy".

 

I can understand that, and that's just common sense. I know she didn't want my attention, and I wasn't interested in her at the time.

 

What do you want and can you see her as just a friend?

 

I want a good friendship at least, which I thought I had, but now that I know she felt uneasy at times, I really start to question it. That's what hurting the most right now.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I have been reading your posts for sometime. I could offer you few bits of advice:

 

a) Hire an "escort" and get laid ASAP, horniness is making you desparate and creepy and in this state your chances of attracting any girl are really low.

 

b) It's true that girls can sense if you want to have sex with them. Out of all the men I know, I know exactly which ones want me. When attraction is not mutual this becomes uncomfortable even if those men never do anything about it. The result is that I start to avoid them.

[Sparky]

In my thread "A Sexually Frustrated Virgin", I was imagining the THIS girl would be a good choice to start with, because she is a friend. Now I'm thinking this is not such a great idea.

 

How do women know when a guy want to have sex with them? What are some signs?

[blue16]

I would say "I would love nothing more than a real, complete, and intimate relationship with you! You've just made me the happiest person in the world!"

 

[Sparky]

What does the rolling eyes mean?

[Yamaha]

When attraction is not mutual this becomes uncomfortable even if those men never do anything about it. The result is that I start to avoid them.

 

Such an immature way to handle the situation.

[Sparky]

I have to agree that there are a lot better ways to resolve that issue. You can either be open about your feelings, even though not many people feel that they can do that, or just say that you have to go somewhere, etc.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Such an immature way to handle the situation.

 

Sorry but, the way those men leer at me, keep looking me up and down etc, makes me want to

I make it clear that I'm not interested, they say it's cool to be friends but in reality they are just trying round about way to get into my pants.

[Sparky]

Sorry but, the way those men leer at me, keep looking me up and down etc, makes me want to

I make it clear that I'm not interested, they say it's cool to be friends but in reality they are just trying round about way to get into my pants.

 

I can imagine you'd feel sick. But what if they're not aware of that they're doing it? (Coming from the person who's apparently oblivious to it as well. ) You could just tell them that you have to get back to your friends, or that you need to get somewhere, because personally, I think it's kind of rude in the sense that you just walk away without saying anything.

 

But can we please stay on topic? I just got a notification about "hijacking" a thread, so I'm going to try and not do THAT again.

[Yamaha]

Sorry but, the way those men leer at me, keep looking me up and down etc, makes me want to

I make it clear that I'm not interested, they say it's cool to be friends but in reality they are just trying round about way to get into my pants.

 

Then stick to women friends.

[roxy_1980]

Ok, so Sparky, you want a list of things that creep women out:

- men showing up where you didn't expect them to be (a little too often)

- leering

- starting conversation with no real purpose and frankly have nothing to do but shuffle their feet when they get there

- when we are constantly forced to talk to your forehead (because you line of sight is significantly lower than our eyes)

- unwarranted turns in conversation to other parts of our social lives (to gauge if they can ask you out when you're obviously uninterested)

 

 

and well, this sign only applies to you Sparky:

-your profile pic (while i'm sure you wanted it to seem friendly) reminds me of a guy watching porn....if this is the vibe you always give off, no wonder people are creeped out.

[Sparky]

- unwarranted turns in conversation to other parts of our social lives (to gauge if they can ask you out when you're obviously uninterested)

 

Can you give me an example here?

 

and well, this sign only applies to you Sparky:

-your profile pic (while i'm sure you wanted it to seem friendly) reminds me of a guy watching porn....if this is the vibe you always give off, no wonder people are creeped out.

 

I'm just smiling. You saying that I look bad when I smile? Unless I get a facelift, there's nothing I can do about that, unless I just stop smiling altogether.

 

And for the record, that's not what I look like when I watch porn.

[roxy_1980]

unwarranted turns in conversation:

- when she is talking about the night out playing pool with her friends and you try to steer the conversation about her family, friends that you don't know, if she has a bf, what her childhood is like (also known as information mining)

- when you compliment her in a large group of friends

- when you talk about over-personal things that you wouldn't share with others too soon in the friendship (it's viewed as an attempt to get her to tell u personal things)

 

 

 

 

and it's not your smile that does it, it's your eyes. I don't know how you'd fix it, but it is an explanation why you make some people uncomfortable.

[Sparky]

unwarranted turns in conversation:

- when she is talking about the night out playing pool with her friends and you try to steer the conversation about her family, friends that you don't know, if she has a bf, what her childhood is like (also known as information mining)

 

OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I get it now!!

 

- when you compliment her in a large group of friends

 

I thought this would actually be a good thing. Are you referring to the kind of compliments like "You have a beautiful figure" or "You are really sexy"? Stuff that's more flirty?

 

and it's not your smile that does it, it's your eyes. I don't know how you'd fix it, but it is an explanation why you make some people uncomfortable.

 

I guess I can see you're point here. I AM kinda squinting a little.

[roxy_1980]

Complimenting a woman in public when she's not reciprociating is like peeing a giant circle around her. It's like you're trying to mark you territory (which is not yours) and all the while grossing her out at the same time.

 

(Sorry for the odd imagery, but I'm sure you get my point)

 

If she were reciprociating, which she clearly isn't, and you were to tell her "you look good today" that's okay, but in front of people is just uncomfortable. Girls do like it when they are complimented, but there is a time, a place and most important a MOOD.

 

It's clearly obvious that you have yet to be able to feel out that mood in social situation with women so far. It will develop eventually, but you have to relax and be yourself. Don't be so focused on maneovering into position and rather enjoy being with people and if it happens, it happens!

[Sparky]

Complimenting a woman in public when she's not reciprociating is like peeing a giant circle around her. It's like you're trying to mark you territory (which is not yours) and all the while grossing her out at the same time.

 

I guess thanks to that image, I've got a much better understanding of that. However, I've never had (or at least remember) a moment when I've complimented someone and they didn't reciprocate.

 

...but you have to relax and be yourself. Don't be so focused on maneovering into position and rather enjoy being with people and if it happens, it happens!

 

That's what I've always been doing. And if I get too close, I back off.

 

My counsellor made a point that maybe I did have feelings for this girl during the school year, but I was unaware of it. But how could SHE be aware of it if I wasn't? How is that possible?

[Sparky]

Just posting so that this thread doesn't go unpostable.