Enough! Breaking NC

[McFadden]

I posted recently about how I have been in NC for almost 6 months with no progress. I won't get elaborate, but my feelings aren't going away by themselves and I'm not willing to give it any more time as the temptation to break NC is practically taking over my life. What I've been doing has had no results so I am changing what I'm doing. This isn't on a whim, I've been thinking about it for weeks and always get the same conclusion.

 

I know my chances with getting back my ex are less than 1% because he is dating someone and because he was the dumper. However I go after him and I get that > 1% or I do nothing and get 0%. I have nothing to lose. The facts are:

 

He broke up with me after 4 month relationship because I was getting too clingy and attatched. (Something which would have been easy for me to correct if he had told me about it instead of just letting it get worse and worse until he wanted to dump me.)

 

He wanted to remain friends but I went NC. He persistantly tried to contact me for months, even when he had his current gf, but I didn't reply and, about 1 month ago he stopped.

 

He has a gf for 2 months now but from what mutual friends have told me its not going well and they have talked about breaking up. She is on a trip and they won't see each other for 3 months. I think his gf being away from him gives me a weak point to move in to attack. What I would like to know is how should I contact him? Make it intentional and serious or casual? Have mutual friends arrange a way to accidentally run into him? And once contact is established, if he still wants contact, what is the best way to act?

 

Should I accept the "just friends" position and let him talk to me about his girlfriend, talk about football and ect and then hope when they break up I can move in again? Or try to seduce him? Or just keep contact minimal and wait to see what he does? Should I try to hide the people I'm currently hooking up with (who by the way is not exclusive, and knows about and endorses the ex plans) or play it up to try to get my ex's attention?

 

Just to make it clear, I know I don't have a good chance, and that this may not be morally 100% kosher, but I still have to try. If the most I can get is being friends or even acquaintances I am willing to take that over nothing. I'm not making this thread to defend my decision. I know this is against the forum's consensus on what is appropriate for the situation (NC) but hopefully someone can give me advice for my specific question anyway, because many here are experienced and knowleadgable about how people work. What might get his attention, and what would just mess things up further? If anyone is willing to advise you have my undying love and gratitude.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, you are a dumpers worst nightmare. Everything you said, and the way you said it is the reason that dumpers shut out the dumpee and often refuse to be friends with them - because they fear the ulterior motive that you have shown in your post. There is no way on the face of the earth he is going to take you back. The very best you can hope for is that the rejection will be gentle rather than brutal.

 

I wouldn't bother with any game playing or seduction tactics. Just call him, and say 'hey, I just wanted to see how you are doing". Make your contact at least appear to be a genuine interest in his well being, rather than a way to "get him back". He may not be too happy to hear from you, but at least with an objective friendly "hey, how are you" you stand less of a chance of the brutal rejection you would face if you tried to come on to him, or beg him to come back.

[McFadden]

I don't know why I'm "the dumpers worst nightmare" in any way. After he dumped me I promptly dissapeared and didn't bother him. He was the one who tried to insist on staying friends, he kept trying to contact me for months. I never replied once and it was only around a month ago he stopped trying to contact. So I would assume he would be glad to hear from me, unless he has become offended by the fact that I haven't replied yet.

 

Knowing him and how he is easy going about certian things I'm 90% sure he isn't offended and will still be open to the friendship or whatever he was trying to make before. But exactly, I want to contact him without looking like I'm still going to be clingy.

[McFadden]

Oh and also, will it be a mistake for me to say how much he has ruined my life, how miserable I have been for months because of him and that he's a @%$#!$# for doing this? This has been on the tip of my tongue for 6 months. I don't know if I can play it cool without getting that off my chest.

[2ndIINone]

LB is right... in the nightmare aspect. You contact him in ANYWAY shape or form six months after the fact and his thoughts WILL BE... "Ohhhh, look, she's thinking bout me... she cut me off months ago when I tried to be nice to her... and after I go NC, she decides to contact me!"

 

NC worked for him, but not you.

 

Don't give him the ego boost. If anything let him contact YOU when she goes out of town. Even then I don't know if I'd accept his calls. He broke up with you and is with someone else. IF his reason for break up was clinginess, then why prove to him he was right by contacting him months later?

[McFadden]

So the only way I am allowed to talk to him is if he contacts me? He won't, I have a mutual friend and around a month ago he deleted all my contact information, saying "Well (my name) never replies anymore so there's no point," or something. So I guess if I want to talk to him I have to arrange accidentally bumping into him and then leave it to him to start a conversation.

 

Thanks for calling me a nightmare and ect. It's not like I chose to feel this way. So should I just roll up in a ball and die of depression? Would that be the more considerate thing to do?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Thanks for calling me a nightmare and ect. It's not like I chose to feel this way. So should I just roll up in a ball and die of depression? Would that be the more considerate thing to do?

 

Whatever you do, don't take up this passive agressive defensive tone with him when you talk to him, if you expect him to talk to you and continue talking to you.

 

It isn't unusual for a dumper to keep trying to have contact after they dump you. There are still parts of you they like and want to keep around. It doesn't mean they want to go back to a relationship with you though. It just means they want to have the positives of your company without the negatives that having a relationship with you presented. I guess he eventually lost interest and started dating someone else, and moved on.

 

You'll want to be careful when you start up with him again. He might just see that you are wanting to get back with him so badly, that you'll let him take emotional (and probably sexual) advantage of that fact and take what he can get and STILL get away with not having an actual relationship with you. If anything, he'll simply do it behind his girlfriend's back and keep you around for a while until she gets home again. If you hand a guy a piece of cake, and let him know that its ok to eat it too - guess what? He will. He might 'hook up' with you again, but that doesn't mean he will dump his girlfriend and come running to you, particularly if he starts to see the same characteristics in you again that caused him to want to dump you in the first place.

 

The best thing to do is to simply walk away, and leave it alone but if you must do it - at least keep your heart protected.

[Trialbyfire]

LB's last post summed it all up. If you're going to break NC, make sure he doesn't take advantage of your vulnerable state. On the other hand, you might be taking advantage of his vulnerable state, since he's still in a relationship.

 

I'm not an all-out NC advocate. Some people need to handle break-ups in different ways. A cautionary, if you break NC, be prepared to start from negative step one again, if it turns out that both your expectations don't match. Technically, he will be rejecting you twice.

[lindya]

I know my chances with getting back my ex are less than 1% because he is dating someone and because he was the dumper. However I go after him and I get that > 1% or I do nothing and get 0%. I have nothing to lose.

 

You most certainly do have something to lose. Everyone has their cut-off point when they just stop caring about an ex. Maybe for you it's a year, maybe two years (though one would sincerely hope not, given that your relationship only lasted for 4 months).

 

The point is that if you get back in touch with this guy and get into the "used for sex" scenario that LB described (and given the tone of desperation in your post, it seems a cert that you will) then that's a whole 6 months down the drain. Not only will you have to restart the whole process of getting over him, but you'll also have to deal with the humiliation of being rejected all over again.

 

You've got six months to lose, you've got your pride to lose - and you've got any respect this guy might have left for you to lose. Throw into the mix the fact that he now has a girlfriend, and you might even have a couple of teeth to lose.

 

He was the one who tried to insist on staying friends, he kept trying to contact me for months. I never replied once and it was only around a month ago he stopped trying to contact.

 

So at the moment you have managed to retain some vestige of coolness in his eyes. You're the dumpee who seemed to have the class, intelligence and self-respect to cut all ties with the guy who decided she was too clingy/not good enough. Isn't that a worthwhile commodity to hang onto? Do you really want to throw all your good work down the drain for the faint possibility of >1%?

[norajane]

I posted recently about how I have been in NC for almost 6 months with no progress.

 

He broke up with me after 4 month relationship because I was getting too clingy and attatched. (Something which would have been easy for me to correct if he had told me about it instead of just letting it get worse and worse until he wanted to dump me.)

 

So you've been stressing out after the break up for LONGER than your actual relationship lasted?? Do you see how that makes you appear to be as clingy and attached as he said, and which, apparently, is not so easy for you to correct?

 

What is it that has you so stuck on him? What did he do for you that makes it so impossible for you to move on and forget him?

Should I accept the "just friends" position and let him talk to me about his girlfriend, talk about football and ect and then hope when they break up I can move in again?

 

No - I don't think you could handle that. If you're going to do anything, be honest with him. If you start out deceiving him, if that's what your plan is based on, your relationship is doomed.

 

Oh and also, will it be a mistake for me to say how much he has ruined my life, how miserable I have been for months because of him and that he's a @%$#!$# for doing this? This has been on the tip of my tongue for 6 months. I don't know if I can play it cool without getting that off my chest.

 

If you start off attacking him, I highly doubt he's going to be glad to hear from you.

 

If you think he's really such a ***, why do you want him back in your life to give him another chance to hurt you? Do you really want him back because you care about him, or because you're pissed off at him and want to get even somehow?

[dr strangelove]

Oh wow total loveshacker freak out on this one

 

I can just imagine people spitting at their screens and big bulging veins

 

You know what mcfadden

 

Anytime you toss a post on here be prepared to have every little word scrutenized, every action you intend to make

 

You know what I say, alot of great things happened by accidents or through mistakes people made.

 

So dont let everyone else muddle your thinking, you have a plan and now excute it.

 

In regards to getting his attention I have to say sex is always one way to get mens attention, women use it on me all the time.

 

Maybe make a list up of pros and cons if you are having trouble deciding

or consider this

do you want to be 80 and look back and wonder what if ?

[McFadden]

Ok, trying to respond to what everyone said without quoting and making 10 posts:

 

First of all, how does chastising me for stressing out about the breakup for a "longer than normal" amount of time help anything? I have followed the advice of this site and done textbook NC and I am not progressing, but its not for lack of trying. When people say these kinds of things, it just makes the struggling person feel more hopeless. (Not everyone but a few comments.)

 

To the point that he is going to hook up with me and stay with the gf, I see why people would think that, but there's no way it will happen in this situation (even though I would be for it if I got the chance). When he first broke up with me we were both single, so I said that we should keep hooking up. He said no, he is never hooking up with someone that he is not in a relationship with but he wanted to stay friends. He "doesn't want to be friends with someone just to have sex." I went into NC after this conversation.

 

To the point that I have "maintained a vestige of coolness" by going NC and that I will ruin that if I come back into his life. I thought about this, that's the only reason I haven't contacted him yet. But why does it matter how cool or uncool he thinks I am if we never speak to each other again?

 

To the remaining people saying I will set myself back in my emotional healing. I'm not healing with the course of action I have been on, I would know. Maybe I'm not healing because I don't like the sour note things were left on. Maybe NC is not the right thing for me and the situation. The worst that happens is that I get upset again. The world will continue to spin. I'd rather get upset than continue to live for an indefinite amount of time with the temptation, fear of the unknown, and what if I talk to him feelings.

[McFadden]

Oh wow total loveshacker freak out on this one

 

I can just imagine people spitting at their screens and big bulging veins

 

You know what mcfadden

 

Anytime you toss a post on here be prepared to have every little word scrutenized, every action you intend to make

 

You know what I say, alot of great things happened by accidents or through mistakes people made.

 

So dont let everyone else muddle your thinking, you have a plan and now excute it.

 

In regards to getting his attention I have to say sex is always one way to get mens attention, women use it on me all the time.

 

Maybe make a list up of pros and cons if you are having trouble deciding

or consider this

do you want to be 80 and look back and wonder what if ?

 

Yeah that's where I was coming from, the last line about not wanting to be 80 and still wondering. I do understand what everyone else has said, but the majority of this site is very dogmatic about NC. Since I already made the decision to break NC, maybe I should be over at some forum for sleazy seduction tips or calling Big Bubba's hotline of love instead of on here.

[lindya]

First of all, how does chastising me for stressing out about the breakup for a "longer than normal" amount of time help anything?

 

I don't think people are chastising you for it, but we are observing that it's taking you a long time to get over it. On that basis, how easy will it be for you to recover from a double rejection...if that's what transpires?

 

When people say these kinds of things, it just makes the struggling person feel more hopeless. (Not everyone but a few comments.)

 

So you would view other people - rather than yourself as carrying responsibility for the negative way you feel? That would tie in with this:

 

will it be a mistake for me to say how much he has ruined my life, how miserable I have been for months because of him and that he's a @%$#!$# for doing this? This has been on the tip of my tongue for 6 months.

 

What is it you want from this guy? Do you want him to endlessly flagellate himself for deciding the relationship with you wasn't working out for him? Let's say he does flagellate himself for it, and allow himself to feel burdened down with guilt for not remaining in a relationship he didn't want to be in. What then?

 

Does he get back with you as a means of appeasing his conscience? Spend hours on end tolerantly listening to you berating as a sh*t? Surely you wouldn't want someone you were in a relationship with to be feeling like that...or would you?

 

why does it matter how cool or uncool he thinks I am if we never speak to each other again?

 

In theory, and with the application of rationality, it shouldn't matter a bit. However, it's evident from everything you've said that what this guy thinks about you continues to matter a great deal.

 

To the remaining people saying I will set myself back in my emotional healing. I'm not healing with the course of action I have been on, I would know. Maybe I'm not healing because I don't like the sour note things were left on.

 

Hold on though. You're talking about letting this guy know that you feel as though he ruined your life. That he's 10 different types of crap....and you think that's the way to counteract the sour note things were left on?

 

Perhaps the reason you're not healing is that you're continuing to this guy accountable for your unhappiness, and plotting to exploit whatever guilt he might have experienced after the break up.

 

He broke up with me after 4 month relationship because I was getting too clingy and attatched. (Something which would have been easy for me to correct if he had told me about it instead of just letting it get worse and worse until he wanted to dump me.)

 

It's not proving easy for you to correct your unresolved feelings about this relationship. I would lay bets on this man having obtained a very good insight into certain overly dramatic and emotional aspects of, and a lack of mature logic in, your thinking that might impede a healthy adult relationship. These are things that I'm sure you are capable of addressing in order to improve your relationships- but you have to be committed to appying a bit of wisdom, emotional intelligence and honesty rather than hoping to muddle through life using various manipulative strategies such as

 

I think his gf being away from him gives me a weak point to move in to attack.

 

Again, I would guess that it's this type of thinking that he sensed in you and may have instinctively drawn away from.

 

Who knows. Maybe if this guy isn't getting on with his current girlfriend and is considering breaking up with her, there will be a chance for the two of you to get back together. Maybe it's worth re-establishing friendly relations (while keeping a bit of distance until he extracts himself from the existing relationship). I think, however, that if you fire in there using manipulative strategies, guilt tripping and the other dubious methods you've talked about in this thread, then he'd be very justified in thinking "not a thing's changed here - best avoid getting embroiled."

[lindya]

First of all, how does chastising me for stressing out about the breakup for a "longer than normal" amount of time help anything?

 

I don't think people are chastising you for it, but we are observing that it's taking you a long time to get over it. On that basis, how easy will it be for you to recover from a double rejection...if that's what transpires?

 

When people say these kinds of things, it just makes the struggling person feel more hopeless. (Not everyone but a few comments.)

 

So you would view other people - rather than yourself as carrying responsibility for the negative way you feel? That would tie in with this:

 

will it be a mistake for me to say how much he has ruined my life, how miserable I have been for months because of him and that he's a @%$#!$# for doing this? This has been on the tip of my tongue for 6 months.

 

What is it you want from this guy? Do you want him to endlessly flagellate himself for deciding the relationship with you wasn't working out for him? Let's say he does flagellate himself for it, and allow himself to feel burdened down with guilt for not remaining in a relationship he didn't want to be in. What then?

 

Does he get back with you as a means of appeasing his conscience? Spend hours on end tolerantly listening to you berating as a sh*t? Surely you wouldn't want someone you were in a relationship with to be feeling like that...or would you?

 

why does it matter how cool or uncool he thinks I am if we never speak to each other again?

 

In theory, and with the application of rationality, it shouldn't matter a bit. However, it's evident from everything you've said that what this guy thinks about you continues to matter a great deal.

 

To the remaining people saying I will set myself back in my emotional healing. I'm not healing with the course of action I have been on, I would know. Maybe I'm not healing because I don't like the sour note things were left on.

 

Hold on though. You're talking about letting this guy know that you feel as though he ruined your life. That he's 10 different types of crap....and you think that's the way to counteract the sour note things were left on?

 

Perhaps the reason you're not healing is that you're continuing to this guy accountable for your unhappiness, and plotting to exploit whatever guilt he might have experienced after the break up.

 

He broke up with me after 4 month relationship because I was getting too clingy and attatched. (Something which would have been easy for me to correct if he had told me about it instead of just letting it get worse and worse until he wanted to dump me.)

 

It's not proving easy for you to correct your unresolved feelings about this relationship. I would lay bets on this man having obtained a very good insight into certain overly dramatic and emotional aspects of, and a lack of mature logic in, your thinking that might impede a healthy adult relationship. These are things that I'm sure you are capable of addressing in order to improve your relationships- but you have to be committed to appying a bit of wisdom, emotional intelligence and honesty rather than hoping to muddle through life using various manipulative strategies such as

 

I think his gf being away from him gives me a weak point to move in to attack.

 

Again, I would guess that it's this type of thinking that he sensed in you and may have instinctively drawn away from.

 

Who knows. Maybe if this guy isn't getting on with his current girlfriend and is considering breaking up with her, there will be a chance for the two of you to get back together. Maybe it's worth re-establishing friendly relations (while keeping a bit of distance until he extracts himself from the existing relationship). I think, however, that if you fire in there using manipulative strategies, guilt tripping and the other dubious methods you've talked about in this thread, then he'd be very justified in thinking "not a thing's changed here - best avoid getting embroiled."

[frannie]

McFadden, just my opinion, but I'd just do whatever it is you feel comfortable with. I don't think NC is the right thing for everyone... sometimes people just don't magically 'move on', because it wasn't the right thing to do in the first place.

 

So what if he 'rejects you' again or whatever, or even you just find out that you didn't like him all that much anyway? Surely that's more real and sensible and likely to lead to a natural result than all this counting the months of NC and seeing it like some kind of achievement..?

 

Do what you feel like doing. No one should be expected to be a textbook case of 'normality' whatever that is. If you want to find out how things have progressed with him... find out. Do what you need to... what is the absolute worst that can happen?

 

Anyone posting on this site pretending they have never made a fool of themselves in some love situation is either lying or hasn't lived

[datingmum]

Amen!

 

Sometimes, we have to keep going back and getting kicked to make it real for us. It's hard to take, but until you feel it in your heart, that it's OVER you cannot move on.

 

I have a friend who went through nearly a year of NC, all the while pining away for her ex, fantasising some reunion in the future, etc that was never going to happen. She extended the resolution of her pain. She made it hurt a year longer than she had to.

 

Please don't do that to you.

 

If you need to talk to him, just do it. Do it face to face if you can. I think it helps, almost like seeing a dead body helps some people cope with the death of a loved one. If the guy doesn't want to be with you, but still cares for and respects you, he will keep his physical distance ~(except maybe a polite hug) and he will let you know with his body what he feels.

[McFadden]

I think I have mastered the quote feature, if not this is going to be a disaster but oh well.

 

I don't think people are chastising you for it, but we are observing that it's taking you a long time to get over it. On that basis, how easy will it be for you to recover from a double rejection...if that's what transpires?

 

So you would view other people - rather than yourself as carrying responsibility for the negative way you feel?

 

I do not blame people on this site for my slow progress and negative feelings at all. I meant that, in general, there's no point in insinuating someone is odd for not getting over a relationship within the average amount of time.

 

If I am rejected by him again I won't veiw it as a double rejection. Even if I blast into the whole thing at the top of my game and show up with a pizza with his name written on it in anchovies, Big Bubba's hotline of love on speed dile and an amatuer's guide to strip tease in my back pocket, I'm planning on 99% chance of being told to **** off. So I would just feel the same way I do now, not worse, which is why I considered going for it.

 

What is it you want from this guy? Do you want him to endlessly flagellate himself for deciding the relationship with you wasn't working out for him? Let's say he does flagellate himself for it, and allow himself to feel burdened down with guilt for not remaining in a relationship he didn't want to be in. What then?

 

Does he get back with you as a means of appeasing his conscience? Spend hours on end tolerantly listening to you berating as a sh*t? Surely you wouldn't want someone you were in a relationship with to be feeling like that...or would you?

 

Yeah it would be ideal if he would then get back into a relationship with me out of guilt, flagellate himself endlessly and bloodily, and allow me to berate him for hours while wearing a chainmail loincloth and cilices. But since this isn't McFadden's Dream Castle of Dark Fantasies, I'll focus on what is likely to happen. Which is that he'll tell me to **** off. I thought maybe I'd feel better having gotten what I feel like saying off my chest regardless of his response and the ensuing sourness..maybe not. I just don't know.

 

 

In theory, and with the application of rationality, it shouldn't matter a bit. However, it's evident from everything you've said that what this guy thinks about you continues to matter a great deal.

 

What he thinks about me matters only if we are going to be in contact. So staying permenantly in NC for the purpose of retaining a certain image is pointless.

 

 

It's not proving easy for you to correct your unresolved feelings about this relationship. I would lay bets on this man having obtained a very good insight into certain overly dramatic and emotional aspects of, and a lack of mature logic in, your thinking that might impede a healthy adult relationship. These are things that I'm sure you are capable of addressing in order to improve your relationships- but you have to be committed to appying a bit of wisdom, emotional intelligence and honesty rather than hoping to muddle through life using various manipulative strategies..

 

Just for the record, my negativity toward him isn't entirely because he broke up with me. He is not the innocent of the entire situation, and did extremely inappropriate things in the relationship and its aftermath. My only defense for any of the above claims is that I was not actually an adult at the time, nor was this guy. We certainly are now though, we are 18. *waits for immature thinking and acne to dissapear*

 

 

Who knows. Maybe if this guy isn't getting on with his current girlfriend and is considering breaking up with her, there will be a chance for the two of you to get back together. Maybe it's worth re-establishing friendly relations (while keeping a bit of distance until he extracts himself from the existing relationship). I think, however, that if you fire in there using manipulative strategies, guilt tripping and the other dubious methods you've talked about in this thread, then he'd be very justified in thinking "not a thing's changed here - best avoid getting embroiled."

 

 

As is probably obvious by now I am conflicted about what to do and what I want from the situation. On one hand I want to tell him how much I resent him to get it off of my chest. On the other hand I want to go to whatever lengths I can to have the possibility of a second chance. However "establishing friendly relations and keeping a bit of a distance" sounds like the only appropriate way to establish contact for now. I just need to figure out how to go about it, which is why I am thinking it over instead of out doing something rash. I appreciate that you took the time to read this and give me new perspectives to think about.

[McFadden]

McFadden, just my opinion, but I'd just do whatever it is you feel comfortable with. I don't think NC is the right thing for everyone... sometimes people just don't magically 'move on', because it wasn't the right thing to do in the first place.

 

So what if he 'rejects you' again or whatever, or even you just find out that you didn't like him all that much anyway? Surely that's more real and sensible and likely to lead to a natural result than all this counting the months of NC and seeing it like some kind of achievement..?

 

Do what you feel like doing. No one should be expected to be a textbook case of 'normality' whatever that is. If you want to find out how things have progressed with him... find out. Do what you need to... what is the absolute worst that can happen?

 

Anyone posting on this site pretending they have never made a fool of themselves in some love situation is either lying or hasn't lived

 

 

Frannie, this is what I originally believed and have been hearing from most of my real life friends (who haven't even heard of NC). When I mention wanting to talk to my ex they say "talk to him then, why on earth not?" However the consensus on this site seems to be a little bit different, as a lot of people believe negative things come from breaking NC. I also noticed that many people count the amount of time they have been in NC as an accomplishment, and I just can't feel that way about it. So it's got me confused again, but I think I'll end up going with my original ideas (minus some of the cussing and shenanigans.) Ultimately I've got to do what I feel regardless of what a thousand or even a billion people think.

[lindya]

As is probably obvious by now I am conflicted about what to do and what I want from the situation. On one hand I want to tell him how much I resent him to get it off of my chest. On the other hand I want to go to whatever lengths I can to have the possibility of a second chance. However "establishing friendly relations and keeping a bit of a distance" sounds like the only appropriate way to establish contact for now. I just need to figure out how to go about it, which is why I am thinking it over instead of out doing something rash. I appreciate that you took the time to read this and give me new perspectives to think about.

 

No probs. I think it's natural to feel that love-hate conflict regarding an ex. I've been where you are - only the circumstances were a lot more extreme. I went with the seduction attempt idea on the basis that "I want to know that I've tried everything before I walk away." I've thought a lot about that situation, and how conflicted (and messed up) I was when I dived into it. It was doomed to humiliating failure really.

 

Now I tend to think - yes, sometimes you really do need to follow your heart, but that doesn't mean that a calm, rational approach is redundant. I think if you can combine the two, you're more likely to get what your heart wants. The problem is that when you do still feel very angry towards somebody, that calm rational approach is difficult to sustain.

 

Yeah it would be ideal if he would then get back into a relationship with me out of guilt, flagellate himself endlessly and bloodily, and allow me to berate him for hours while wearing a chainmail loincloth and cilices. But since this isn't McFadden's Dream Castle of Dark Fantasies, I'll focus on what is likely to happen.

 

If you like, I can give you a hand to strap him onto a Wheel of Misfortune. He might even find he quite enjoys being rapidly spun round like a top while having his sins catalogued.

[McFadden]

Amen!

 

Sometimes, we have to keep going back and getting kicked to make it real for us. It's hard to take, but until you feel it in your heart, that it's OVER you cannot move on.

 

I have a friend who went through nearly a year of NC, all the while pining away for her ex, fantasising some reunion in the future, etc that was never going to happen. She extended the resolution of her pain. She made it hurt a year longer than she had to.

 

Please don't do that to you.

 

If you need to talk to him, just do it. Do it face to face if you can. I think it helps, almost like seeing a dead body helps some people cope with the death of a loved one. If the guy doesn't want to be with you, but still cares for and respects you, he will keep his physical distance ~(except maybe a polite hug) and he will let you know with his body what he feels.

 

Hearing that this actually happened to someone else confirms my fears. Usually I hear only good stories about NC and bad ones about breaking it, since NC works the majority of the time. But I'm afraid that I'm turning into the person who is pining away and fantasizing about a reunion, and this might go on for a year or however long it is until I make contact.

 

I would love seeing this guy's dead body, and spitting on it. It would really do wonders for my closure. Since that isn't happening without me going to prison, I could give him a casual call or something, see if he'd be about meeting me in person. Its all down to figuring out how to establish contact without looking like the deranged obsessed sychophant that I am.

[datingmum]

Listen,

 

This friend of mine I told you about dilly-dallied for so long, she kept trying to 'bump into' him though and freaked out so long over the issue that she's now in therapy trying to figure out why she's so frightened of expressing her emotions to someone she loves and so afraid of rejection.

 

Stop thinking you're a psycho. Maybe you were being clingy and needy before. Maybe he was just feeling claustrophobic. Who knows? Your fear of him thinking that you'll be exhibiting the same behaviours - thus reject you again - indicate that you want him back.

 

So just do it. If you can't figure out how to ask him to meet on the phone, just get crazy and do a hollywood. Find him and just lay it all on the table for the last time. You will know then.

 

Do NOT end up wasting any more of your life. They say we only have 80 summers. Use yours.

[Trialbyfire]

Then McFadden, if you're prepared to get kicked to the curb again, contact him. As expressed earlier with a cautionary, sometimes NC isn't always the answer for people unable to break their self-imposed cycling. Put away the meow mix though, if you want to make an honest go of it.

[crazy_grl]

McFadden, I'm not as die hard about NC as some others on this site, but in cases where the person is feeling as desperate as you are, I think it's the best choice. Most of us have been where you are and thought the things you're thinking, then actually done those things at one point in our lives. We found out just what a bad decision it was. People are trying to keep you from making the same mistakes they made.

 

So I would just feel the same way I do now, not worse, which is why I considered going for it.

 

You might be surprised how much worse you can feel.

 

Yeah it would be ideal if he would then get back into a relationship with me out of guilt

 

That's not going to happen. You'll be better off getting that idea out of your head. Even if it does happen, is that really the kind of relationship you want? Do you want to be with a guy who's only with you because he feels guilty? Don't you think you deserve a guy who wants to be with you because he loves and respects you?

 

What he thinks about me matters only if we are going to be in contact. So staying permenantly in NC for the purpose of retaining a certain image is pointless.

 

It's not pointless. It lets you retain your dignity. Also, by contacting him when you're so desperate to be with him, you'll only drive him further away. I've done this and had exes do it to me. Even if you pretend to be just casual about everything, how you really feel will eventually come out. Then he'll feel resentful and irritated with you. You'll confirm in his mind why he dumped you in the first place. By contacting him in the state you're in, you take your chances of getting back together from 1% to negative 100%.

 

Now if you don't go crawling to him on your knees, there may be a chance that he'll break up with his current gf and start to wonder about you. He might start to feel like an ass for dumping you. Then he'll ask a mutual friend for your number.

 

I've had quite a few guys dump me and then want to get me back, but that didn't happen even once when I pursued the guy like you're thinking about doing.

 

On one hand I want to tell him how much I resent him to get it off of my chest.

 

You should tell him that only if he contacts you (not the first thing though.) It's pointless to get in contact with him for that now. You're better off just writing it in letters to him that you don't send.

 

With all that said, maybe none of our warnings are good enough and you just need to learn this lesson for yourself.

 

On a side note, what have you been doing during NC? Have you been getting out, doing things that you enjoy, and trying to work on yourself or have you just been counting the days of NC? A lot of people make the mistake of just doing NC without working on themselves. That never works.

[McFadden]

That's not going to happen. You'll be better off getting that idea out of your head. Even if it does happen, is that really the kind of relationship you want? Do you want to be with a guy who's only with you because he feels guilty? Don't you think you deserve a guy who wants to be with you because he loves and respects you?

 

I was kind of being sarcastic about wanting him to be in a relationship with me out of guilt and flagellate himself. I know its not happening.

 

On a side note, what have you been doing during NC? Have you been getting out, doing things that you enjoy, and trying to work on yourself or have you just been counting the days of NC? A lot of people make the mistake of just doing NC without working on themselves. That never works.

 

You know just the regular. I haven't like gone skydiving for the first time, or climbed Mt. Everest, or learned a new style of Thai cooking like some people say you should do when getting over an ex but thats not really my thing. I have been meeting people, made some new friends, but I just can't force myself to like anyone. I like my ex.

 

It doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing. Whether I am out camping or hanging out with friends or family, or talking to a guy, or studying or just being alone, my feelings about my ex are there. No matter what I'm thinking about part of my mind is still thinking about him. No amount of noise will drive it out, I can't turn it off no matter what I do and its driving me crazy. I have tried for 6 months with no progress and this was a short relationship, so I'm aware I must be doing something wrong in NC and I have no idea what. Can anyone who is advocating NC tell me what I may be doing wrong and what might improve things?