Enough! Breaking NC

[upsetnhurt]

McFadden,

 

It has been ten months for me and I still can't get over my ex gf either. During those ten months I have remained in NC mode with hopes of it helping me move on in my thoughts. What I have learned is that my difficulties have nothing to do with my feelings for her anymore (although I still feel love for her). She has not felt it in her heart to get into contact with me has she???? I realize that my inability to move on has nothing to do with her and moreso my low self esteem and low confidence that I will ever meet someone who I felt so good with. You need to realize this too......your depressed! Have you seen anyone for it, taken any medicine? You seem to want him back as if to think that is what is missing from making you complete and happy. That is so far from the truth and even if you did get back with him you would find out very quickly that the problem is within you.........focus on yourself and get your self esteem back. Then other guys will be flocking your way and you just might find someone who will blow your socks off.

[norajane]

It doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing. Whether I am out camping or hanging out with friends or family, or talking to a guy, or studying or just being alone, my feelings about my ex are there. No matter what I'm thinking about part of my mind is still thinking about him. No amount of noise will drive it out, I can't turn it off no matter what I do and its driving me crazy. I have tried for 6 months with no progress and this was a short relationship, so I'm aware I must be doing something wrong in NC and I have no idea what. Can anyone who is advocating NC tell me what I may be doing wrong and what might improve things?

 

I asked you this earlier...what do you find so compelling about him?

 

Really think about what it is about him that has your senses so wrapped up in him. Is it really him that you want? Or is it your fantasy of how things could be between you?

 

Dreams are often much more difficult to give up and let go than the reality of a situation or person. You have to let go of the dream, you have to accept that it's not going to be, before you can stop thinking about him.

[McFadden]

Well I don't know exactly what it is, he is just a one in a million guy. We got along and always had a great time. We were friends for several years before the relationship and there was never one fight, my best memories from the past several years include him. And for most of the relationship it was the same way. Then as if overnight his feelings dissapeared and suddenly my showing affection was "clinginess." He acted like a completely different person, cold and mean and would never even tell me if I had done anything wrong. I was left confused and feeling cheated and have never been able to get over this feeling. I don't want to blame my negativity on others but the situation HAS ruined some things for me, that is a fact. I can never trust another person like him, because of the fear that they will have a sudden change of feelings and take it all away like he did. What is love if someone thinks they love you one day and then they just don't and they don't even know why..

[Trialbyfire]

Well I don't know exactly what it is, he is just a one in a million guy. We got along and always had a great time. We were friends for several years before the relationship and there was never one fight, my best memories from the past several years include him. And for most of the relationship it was the same way. Then as if overnight his feelings dissapeared and suddenly my showing affection was "clinginess." He acted like a completely different person, cold and mean and would never even tell me if I had done anything wrong. I was left confused and feeling cheated and have never been able to get over this feeling. I don't want to blame my negativity on others but the situation HAS ruined some things for me, that is a fact. I can never trust another person like him, because of the fear that they will have a sudden change of feelings and take it all away like he did. What is love if someone thinks they love you one day and then they just don't and they don't even know why..

Look McFadden. I normally don't date men I haven't known for years. Most of them were friends previously, who I got along well with. Even my ex-husband was a friend for years. You cannot rely on the "friends" history with you. Once you enter the twilight zone of being a g/f, many things change, including the way you interact with them.

 

How were you as a friend to him? How were you as a g/f with him? Think about the differences in your behaviour and how much you might or might not have relied on him in each case. Perhaps the sum of the differences were what caused him pull away at the end. Just some food for thought.

[McFadden]

Yes, I see what youre saying. Maybe that had something to do with it.

 

Anyway. Just to keep current on whats going on, I haven't done anything yet, because I heard from a few people that my ex's girlfriend suddenly fell ill while on the trip she is on, and is in the hospitol. I don't know the details but apparently there is some kind of disease in her blood and there is no cure for it, and they have no idea how she contracted it. She is probably going to die. I don't know what to think about all this, but I think it would be kind of a distasteful time to get myself back into the mix. Is that correct? What the hell is the protocol for this kind of thing?

[questioning1]

McFadden-

 

My heart goes out to you, because this isn't really about your relationship with this guy. It just seems that you are holding on to hope of reconcilliing with this guy, because you are afraid of finding someone truly worthwhile. This guy didn't treat you well, and you haven't spoken to him in 6 months. That's six months that you've wasted pining on someone who has moved on and is experiencing a new relationship (good or bad) with someone else. He could be "one in a million", but I sincerely doubt it. If he were, then he would be with you right now. You, however, are one in a million. You seem to have a good heart, and I get the sense that you feel that you deserve more. You do.

 

 

NC is a chance to work on your self and your self esteem. While doing extreme sports/volunteering/taking classes may not be your thing, you can always enjoy time with your girlfriends or make a new guy friend. Smile at someone in the checkout line. Little things that like will bring you back into reality, and help you remember that there's a HUGE world out there full of people willing to give YOU (and only you) a chance. Plus, do you want a guy who's willing to cheat on his girlfriend? Realize that it's a good thing he's out of your life, and enjoy your singlehood. When you are happy, all good things come to you. Good luck!

[bbanks]

McFadden:

 

My advice is that you are spending too much time concerning yourself with NC. I know that all of the threads regarding getting an ex back consider this a method to "trick" them into coming back. I think that it should be used to get over a person and nothing more. If it has been that long, you probably should just let it go. You claim that this person is a one in a million and we all feel that way about ones we lose. I am going through the same thing right now so I know that it is much easier said than done. I am going on two weeks of NC righ now and it feels like an eternity to me because she has moved on with another guy. To be perfectly honest, they probably won't notice if you call or not. I think about times when I was the dumper and my ex's didn't stopped calling me. I figured they let go and I was usally relieved but to be honest, it didn't cross my mind for more than a few seconds. I figure she is doing that right now, whether or not I call..she doesn't care. Once you are involved with another person it won't be a big deal at all. I am still filled with what is probably false hope and I just hope that you don't continue on that path...best wishes to you in finding the real love of your life...

[alasia]

Ok I'm easily bored and only read the first page of posts...but I have to say this:

 

It isn't unusual for a dumper to keep trying to have contact after they dump you. There are still parts of you they like and want to keep around. It doesn't mean they want to go back to a relationship with you though. It just means they want to have the positives of your company without the negatives that having a relationship with you presented. I guess he eventually lost interest and started dating someone else, and moved on.

 

You'll want to be careful when you start up with him again. He might just see that you are wanting to get back with him so badly, that you'll let him take emotional (and probably sexual) advantage of that fact and take what he can get and STILL get away with not having an actual relationship with you. If anything, he'll simply do it behind his girlfriend's back and keep you around for a while until she gets home again. If you hand a guy a piece of cake, and let him know that its ok to eat it too - guess what? He will. He might 'hook up' with you again, but that doesn't mean he will dump his girlfriend and come running to you, particularly if he starts to see the same characteristics in you again that caused him to want to dump you in the first place.

 

This is all totally true. Take note. My ex dumped me in January due to arguments etc. Over the next few months he said he wanted to get back together a few times. Went ok for a few days, then I reverted back to my old self (the girl that's sooo unbelievably defensive and argumentative!) wich obviously made him realise why he dumped me in the first place, so he went right back to wanting me out of his life.

 

If you want someone back, you tell yourself you can change but it's not that simple - some people manage it, but it takes time and the other person (your ex) would have to be willing to wait for you to change. Why would he do that when he's already with someone who doesn't have your negative qualities?

 

Oh - and I noticed you defending your ex, saying he wouldn't do the casual sex thing; chances are he probably would.

 

My ex has never been 'that' into sex (he loves it in a relationship, but out of a r/ship he can take it or leave it - he doesn't sleep around or go out 'looking' for sex), but he always told me he'd never sleep with someone he wasn't in a relationship with.

 

Then I found out his last ex had been someone that he wasn't going out with 'properly', but they slept together sometimes and she already had another boyfriend...or something. I don't know, the facts are still very fuzzy on that one!

 

Since we split up, we've been sleeping together - the last time was a week and a half ago. He wanted me out of his life at the time and was really coming across like he hated me; he let me stay over that night but only because I'd got myself stranded and couldn't get home - and he made it plain he wasn't comfortable being there.

I admit, I made myself look manipulative and desperate that night, because I decided I was going to try and 'seduce' him (not that seducing a man takes much...no offence meant to anyone) because I wanted sex, wasn't getting any...and I was adamant there would be no feelings involved. I persuaded him to share the bed with me and I did end up having sex with him - even though he blatantly hated me at the time, and had onyl agreed to share the bed if we both stayed fully clothed!

 

So what I'm basically trying to say, is don't assume you know someone.

If you hand yourself to your ex on a plate (which is what you'd be doing, if you try and get back in touch with him while you're feeling the way you are at the moment), he WILL take advatage of it and you'll end up hurt.

 

Trust me, I felt exactly the same as you (and still do, if I'm honest) and now I feel like crap and my ex hates me.

[McFadden]

I am over this situation because it has been made clear by his situation with the ill girlfriend that I can't do anything for now, but I was bored and decided to see if this got any more posts. And I just wanted to say:

 

 

Why would he do that when he's already with someone who doesn't have your negative qualities?

 

Actually his current gf has a lot of negative qualities (including the ones I have and more) and they fight a lot according to people I know, especially since she's been ill. He and I rarely fought. I realize he still wants to be with her and not me but I just wanted to point out that it is not because she is better than me or has less negative qualities. Its because he got bored with me and has made a stupid choice for some reason.

 

Oh - and I noticed you defending your ex, saying he wouldn't do the casual sex thing; chances are he probably would.

 

I wasn't 'defending' him by saying he wouldn't have casual sex. I didn't even say its a good thing that he doesn't, since I have nothing against casual sex. It is just a fact that he doesn't and does not take that kind of thing lightly.

 

I admit, I made myself look manipulative and desperate that night, because I decided I was going to try and 'seduce' him (not that seducing a man takes much...no offence meant to anyone) because I wanted sex, wasn't getting any...and I was adamant there would be no feelings involved. I persuaded him to share the bed with me and I did end up having sex with him - even though he blatantly hated me at the time, and had onyl agreed to share the bed if we both stayed fully clothed!

 

Although not a good idea that's actually pretty amazing. If it doesn't take much to seduce men then apparently I've been doing something wrong for years, I get shot down a lot. Can I get some seduction tips and techniques? Or can anyone reccomend literature about such things? (I am actually serious.)

[alasia]

All I mean is, if you're sharing a bed (or wherever) with a guy, chances are he'll get turned on, especially if you're not wearing much (although I don't think my ex was actually turned on by me the other night...seeing as I'm currently 7 months pregnant - which although a good thing in itself, isn't the most attractive thing; on me, anyway. I don't suit pregnancy!).

 

Actually I'm sure my ex said once something along the lines of "if there's a woman walking around in her underwear near you, you'll be tempted to do something". Which makes sense.

 

Obviously a few men CAN control themselves, but there are lots that can't and my ex (and possibly yours, too) is one of them.

 

Anyway like I said, not a good idea...