LulaMae Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 I am engaged to be married in 4 months. My fiance and I have been having some disagreements about the wedding but they are things that we were working through in our pre-marital counseling sessions. One of our issues has been dealing with my F's past marriage and mutual friends of him and his ex-wife. No issues at all with the ex-wife and his two kids, but the friends have been his partners-in-crime in the past. He cheated on his ex-wife (married 10 years, having an affair for 5 years). He has maintained friendships with his buddies in crime which does not make me feel comfortable. It has lead to arguments about his friends---if you have changed why associate with them? Long story short, I found photos from a trip he took with his best friend maybe a year before I met him (and after his divorce). I was shocked to see photos of him and his best friend meeting women in the street, taking them back to the hotel room and having sex (with explicit photos to boot). Based on the photos they appear to both be in the room with the women. I am angry and feel that his explanation on where he is now mentally (trying to talk to his friends about the importance of relationships, etc.) may be a bunch of crap. His argument will be that the photos were in the past and he may also be mad about how I found them (I was looking for a pair of boxers and smack dab in the top drawer was a stack of porn cd's...just browsing through to see what kind of porn he likes, I found a CD with the location name of a trip that I knew he had taken with his best friend). He has made snide comments in the past about what his friend likes to do on vacation, and the fact that the CD was with the porn CDs made it irresistible to me. We have a counseling session coming up in a few days...I have told him that I have been trying to work through something in my head and want to discuss. He thinks it's just basic wedding issues and that we should address it in counseling this coming week. Is it wrong to "out" him in front of the counselor? Do I have a right to be concerned about this? Will boys just be boys, but now that he's with me that's probably over? I'm worried that it may destroy trust and he may withdraw sexually if I bring this up. I had gotten to a safe point where I felt he had learned his lesson in the past about cheating, but I didn't see him as a guy who would participate in something like this. I can see sleeping with someone on vacation (I have done it when I was single), but photos with the best friend and in the same room, etc. is throwing me off. I also realize that part of the reason I'm angry is because he's never really been as free and open with me sexually as he was in the photos --- don't get me wrong sex is good but I would prefer to be more wild but he acts more reserved. I'm wondering if he may be one of those guys that believes there's nice comforting sex with your wife, and then get nasty sex with random partner or mistress. Thinking of postponing the wedding especially considering arguments about the wedding in general. No money has been paid for wedding yet. Help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 Usually, past behavior is a foundation of future behavior, thank God you found out before the wedding, I would call that wedding off if I were you. I would bring up the photo's about what he was doing, that just sounds weird, he could be into some different stuff, if you know what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 Every relarionship always has that one friend. That one friend you would zap into oblivion if you could and after you do so you would wipe your spouses memory clear with one of those CIA memory loss pills. Sorry I have a great imagination! One thing that really bothers me here and it is not the porno he made while single. Men will be men and let's face it he was single. I am sure all of us, if not most, have something in our closet that would be highly upsetting to our husband/wife if they found out. If he is getting married that is something he should have got rid of. Not because it is necessarily wrong for him to have it, but because if you found it (which you did) it would be upsetting. Why on earth he would want to potentially put someone through that is beyond me. This is not what really concerns me about the whole matter. What bothers me is that he cheated in his previous marriage of 10 years. He did so with someone for 5 years. That is really an issue of morality. I would not worry about the things done when single. I would worry about the things he did while previously married and wonder... Is he going to do the same to you? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 Why exactly are you considering marrying this guy anyhow? If things in his past bother you this much there is no point in it whatsoever. You have already started your "Book of Wrongs" about him, and you are not married yet. His "random sex" incident, the fact that he cheated on his ex.. his drawer of porno. You worry about his sexual performance with a random female being more satisfying than his sex with you.. and all that conjures up in your mind. That's to much weight going in! BTW, why exactly does his cheating in a previous marriage bother you now? You have known about it for a long time, obviously since before you became engaged. We you someone he was cheating with? Call off the wedding and find that perfect 40 year old virgin you are really looking for! Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 Hey, LulaMae -how many times/places did you post this thread? I just posted in the same thread in another forum. Don't confuse the gods. It makes them irritable. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
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