Would you love to tell?

[NoIDidn't]

Greg

 

I'm with GEL. An EA is STILL an A. Believe me! My H had one! It hurt just as much, if not more since it was just an extreme emotional attachment.

 

An EA is still an A because most As that involve sex started out as EAs. Its all about intent, not whether or not they had sex.

[GregsBad]

It's not hard to believe that EAs happen, and that they can be painful.

 

But ...

The difference between an A and an EA is a BFD!

 

Why all this drama over exposing him as a slime ball to his wife?

Gonna stop him from drinking up some other poor victims stash of Earl Grey over long discussions?

 

Now imagine if AP went to the wife - over an EA - she'd look like a frenetic drama queen. (She does hate the wife BTW)

 

And what would the wife have understood if AP said,

"Your husband and I had an affair!"

"Oh silly me - did I say affair? ...

I mean to say we had an EA. But there was no sex."

 

I think the wife would scream, "WTF is an EA?"

 

Still ... if this was just an EA ... (little stubborness on my part there)

What makes him such a snake?

How did he take advantage of her?

 

C'mon ... the question on this thread is now,

"Should the slime ball be exposed to his wife for an EA?"

 

My opinion was no before but a BIG NO now.

 

I'm really curious to see if women in general see this as such a dramatic thing? Equal to a real affair?

[GregsBad]

Greg

 

I'm with GEL. An EA is STILL an A. Believe me! My H had one! It hurt just as much, if not more since it was just an extreme emotional attachment.

 

An EA is still an A because most As that involve sex started out as EAs. Its all about intent, not whether or not they had sex.

 

You actually just said that if sex had been involved ...

The hurt would only be equal if not less. Are you serious?

 

Actual sex would have compounded the injury and amplified the pain.

[NoIDidn't]

You actually just said that if sex had been involved ...

The hurt would only be equal if not less. Are you serious?

 

Actual sex would have compounded the injury and amplified the pain.

 

Greg

 

You misunderstood. I said that it hurt JUST AS MUCH as if sex had been involved IF NOT MORE. So I didn't say what you paraphrased.

 

But I wouldn't want to be hearing about it after it was over. Just seems like sour grapes. If I didn't know about it, I wouldn't want to know about it. Especially if there was no sex involved. What would be the point? Really, what does one say?

 

If I was on the receiving end of such a conversation, I'd be pissed at both the OW and my H. But I'd be wondering what her motivation was for waiting so long. What was she trying to accomplish? Why now? Is she trying to hurt me? Does she still want me out of the picture? Does she still want to be with my husband? Does she think that I will leave him now that I know?

 

And any relationships between our families would be over. I'd be thinking there is no telling what happens to my kids when they visit her house. Did my kids see something? Sure, my husband would get the third degree, but that would be in private.

 

AP, if no one knows but you and your H and the MM, let it go. If you are hurting now, you have no idea how much it will hurt to get the undeserved title of neighborhood whore when you didn't even sleep with the man. And maybe you won't get that title. But you will still feel the brunt of the fallout. Your whole family will. Its not worth it.

[Ruby Tuesday]

I never understood the 'real' motive for the OW to tell the BW because the OW is not her friend, and nor does she want to help the BW or the marriage. So, I dont know what this (or any) OW would ever hope to gain, except to cause problems and to break them up just to proove to themselves they are special. Wonderful. The salt of the earth.

 

Its a manipulative/control thing. It hasnt happened naturally so she's going to try to force it to happen.

 

I think AP was messed up in the head a long time before this MM came around. I believe she is insanely jealous of her neighbors marriage, but most of all I believe her motive is to tell because she was rejected by the MM.

 

He isnt trying to contact her or continue the affair.

 

If anything I believe he ended it before he crossed the line. It was an inappropriate relationship and AP really does have inappropriate feelings for him. To say the least.

 

To me, she's just as guilty of playing the game as he was. It hasnt been a few months Noididnt it has been almost a year. If I was the BW I would be confronting her and her BH and it wouldnt be pretty. You couldnt take a letter like that with a grain of salt and you would be lying if you say that you would. A letter like that would have consequenses on both sides.

 

So, shouldn't somebody write her betrayed husband a letter and tell him the truth, seeing how we are on such a jag for honesty now? Hmmm? You think he would be happy to know this about his wife? That she cant get over her affair partner and wants to sabotage his marriage?

 

WOULDNT YOU JUST LOVE TO DO THAT?

[Meaplus3]

That would be right. AP lives next door to this married couple, watching them everyday and waiting to mess up their lives over a very brief EA with the xMM.

 

And neither BW, BH, or even xMM are aware of the ongoing problem AP has with letting go of the "affair" for that matter. She's like a bomb waiting to go off on all of them.

 

Oh yeah, she forgot to say that there's kids are involved too. On both sides of the property line. They will just be more casualties of her "affair" if she makes up her crazy mind to ruin their lives too.

 

Ask her if she really cares about any of them because it's obvious to me she isn't concerened with anyone else but AP.

 

AP, Dont mess with me lady. I'm not the one out to ruin my family. Who the hell are you to judge me. You are out of your mind.

 

Ruby, First of all this what not a brief ea, it lasted 18 month's. Stalking them? Oh I don't think so! How can I stalk them when I have No contact with them nor do I look their way. I am wondering what your story is that brought you to LS? I will go back and read your thread's, because I wonder why you seem so angry?

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

Greg

 

You misunderstood. I said that it hurt JUST AS MUCH as if sex had been involved IF NOT MORE. So I didn't say what you paraphrased.

 

But I wouldn't want to be hearing about it after it was over. Just seems like sour grapes. If I didn't know about it, I wouldn't want to know about it. Especially if there was no sex involved. What would be the point? Really, what does one say?

 

If I was on the receiving end of such a conversation, I'd be pissed at both the OW and my H. But I'd be wondering what her motivation was for waiting so long. What was she trying to accomplish? Why now? Is she trying to hurt me? Does she still want me out of the picture? Does she still want to be with my husband? Does she think that I will leave him now that I know?

 

And any relationships between our families would be over. I'd be thinking there is no telling what happens to my kids when they visit her house. Did my kids see something? Sure, my husband would get the third degree, but that would be in private.

 

AP, if no one knows but you and your H and the MM, let it go. If you are hurting now, you have no idea how much it will hurt to get the undeserved title of neighborhood whore when you didn't even sleep with the man. And maybe you won't get that title. But you will still feel the brunt of the fallout. Your whole family will. Its not worth it.

 

NoIdidn't, Thanks for your imput. I only started this thread I was backsliding a bit with my feeling's. I know it would be the wrong thing to do and I will not be telling his W. H and I have had many talk's about this and we have come to the conclusion that we will deal with the hurt that my ea has caused us and try to repair the damage to our marriage. I guess I was just wondering if any other OW had felt the temptaion to inform the W of an ea/ A or how ever you wish to define "Cheating".

 

AP:)

[bigblueeyes]

AP,

 

am really sorry but I'm with Greg and a lot of others on this.

 

It seems you have all the wrong reasons for wanting to tell BW about the affair.

 

But I'm almost tempted to say go ahead and do it. It seems like you are set on doing it anyways, and while I think you will end up looking a right arse, at least you can provide us with hours of great entertainment in the style of "Fatal Attraction"

 

So when you boil your neighbours' bunny rabbit, please let us know

[Meaplus3]

AP,

 

am really sorry but I'm with Greg and a lot of others on this.

 

It seems you have all the wrong reasons for wanting to tell BW about the affair.

 

But I'm almost tempted to say go ahead and do it. It seems like you are set on doing it anyways, and while I think you will end up looking a right arse, at least you can provide us with hours of great entertainment in the style of "Fatal Attraction"

 

So when you boil your neighbours' bunny rabbit, please let us know

 

"So when you boil your neighbours' bunny rabbit, please let us know"

 

I'm truely amazed that the moderator's on this site allow for remark's like this to be made. How does a remark like that do another person any good? If you had read the post above your post bigblue, you would understand that the reason I asked the question was because I was wondering if any OW had been tempted to tell the W. I guess I should have worded my question in another way.

[bigblueeyes]

AP,

 

sorry, didn't mean to offend, but as I have stated earlier on this thread, I simply do not understand why you would want to tell BW about your affair.

 

I have also said that I would never tell my MM's BW about our affair. That is between them and I should not be the one to tell.

 

What I really do not understand in your situation is your need to tell apart from the fact that you are very hurt by MM and feel betrayed. Well, so do I at times, but that unfortunately comes with having an affair.

 

Secondly, what is it exactly you want to get out of telling other than causing pain and hurt to compensate for you are feeling? And if that isn't a bit mental to want to inflict pain because you feel pain, then I don't know what is.

 

So apologies, but to be honest, I've had worse thrown at me in this forum and you know that was doen't kill you, only makes you stranger.

[whichwayisup]

I know it would be the wrong thing to do and I will not be telling his W. H and I have had many talk's about this and we have come to the conclusion that we will deal with the hurt that my ea has caused us and try to repair the damage to our marriage.

 

Doesn't matter anymore anyway, as AP has decided not to tell exMM's wife.

[Meaplus3]

AP,

 

sorry, didn't mean to offend, but as I have stated earlier on this thread, I simply do not understand why you would want to tell BW about your affair.

 

I have also said that I would never tell my MM's BW about our affair. That is between them and I should not be the one to tell.

 

What I really do not understand in your situation is your need to tell apart from the fact that you are very hurt by MM and feel betrayed. Well, so do I at times, but that unfortunately comes with having an affair.

 

Secondly, what is it exactly you want to get out of telling other than causing pain and hurt to compensate for you are feeling? And if that isn't a bit mental to want to inflict pain because you feel pain, then I don't know what is.

 

So apologies, but to be honest, I've had worse thrown at me in this forum and you know that was doen't kill you, only makes you stranger.

 

Bigblue, I realize that word's can make you stronger but come on "boiling a bunny rabbit", please! Anway I except your apology.

 

"Secondly, what is it exactly you want to get out of telling other than causing pain and hurt to compensate for you are feeling? And if that isn't a bit mental to want to inflict pain because you feel pain, then I don't know what is."

To try and answer you as to what I would get out of telling? I guess I still figure that he probably did tell her I had inappropriate feeling's for him and by her knowing that it would make's me want to explain exactly how the affair started and to make sure she new it was not all my fault, that I was not the one doing all the flirting and so forth. But does not matter, just my feeling's here, keeping my mouth shut and not informing her of a thing.

 

AP

[herenow]

Nothing AP can do is going to change what is going on in the MM and BW marriage. It's up to both partners to find and fix the problems within the marriage and the OW has nothing to do with it.

 

If she told, it might speed up the process, but tell or not tell, eventually they will get to a point where they both realize that there is a problem. They will either make the change, fix the problems or decide to continue living in a broken marriage. Since the OW is not part of that marriage, she has no part in the relationship and nothing she does will change it. So whenever this question comes up, my answer is, it really doesn't matter what the OW does, the end result will be the same because it's up to the two people who are married to decide how to live their lives.

 

I haven't been here in a while, so WWIU, How are you?

[TogetherForever]

That's right! NO SEX, I think that's easy to understand. Emotional bonding YES. You clearly have not read my thread's and post's. Also you called me a "Little off balance", Well who wouldn't be when they are in the middle of trying to sort out a marriage and live nextdoor to a mm that they had and ea with?

 

AP

 

AP,

Sorry to be jumping in late but an emotional affair can be worse than a sexual affair. Now that's just my opionion.

So, ((((hugs)))) to you!!!!

Keep strong!!!!!

[Meaplus3]

AP,

Sorry to be jumping in late but an emotional affair can be worse than a sexual affair. Now that's just my opionion.

So, ((((hugs)))) to you!!!!

Keep strong!!!!!

 

Thanks Together your OP is very correct. There are ton's of fact's on line that prove that an ea can be even more devestateing to an individual and a marriage than a sexual affair. This is due to the fact that it rob's the marriage of so much energy. My therapist has backed up the fact's that I have read. I guess from what I understand the worst kind of affair is a sexual affair with a strong emotional bond.

 

AP

[GregsBad]

There are ton's of fact's on line that prove that an ea can be even more devestateing to an individual and a marriage than a sexual affair.

 

I guess from what I understand the worst kind of affair is a sexual affair with a strong emotional bond.

 

AP

 

See now I don't mean to be a word cop but the second sentance makes more sence then the first. (They DO contradict) You and a few other posters have said that an ea can be worse than a sexual affair.

 

Like the husband had an affair where there was sex, sex, and sex and got exposed. You telling me the wife would more OK with THAT than if her husband had an non-sexual emotional connection with another woman. And TONS of evidence??? Sorry, you MUST mean anecdotal theorizing.

 

Look, if a man gets busted in an ea, are you seriously believing that the wife would rather that her husband had a sexual affair? I mean what are the chances (very slim) that the husband and the OW could have a sexual affair without emotional bonding - spare me the "oh it could happen" - Imean that it's not very likely.

 

An affair (sexual) does mean more than a one night stand, right? They become LOVERS.

 

Or how about this: Husband get busted in a sexual affair.

He say's,"Aw Honey, we never had an emotional connection."

That's the same B.S. as "It didn't mean anything"

 

I guess this is off topic anyway - good question for another thread.

 

BTW - FWIW

 

AP - I'm glad you decided against telling the wife.

[Meaplus3]

See now I don't mean to be a word cop but the second sentance makes more sence then the first. (They DO contradict) You and a few other posters have said that an ea can be worse than a sexual affair.

 

Like the husband had an affair where there was sex, sex, and sex and got exposed. You telling me the wife would more OK with THAT than if her husband had an non-sexual emotional connection with another woman. And TONS of evidence??? Sorry, you MUST mean anecdotal theorizing.

 

Look, if a man gets busted in an ea, are you seriously believing that the wife would rather that her husband had a sexual affair? I mean what are the chances (very slim) that the husband and the OW could have a sexual affair without emotional bonding - spare me the "oh it could happen" - Imean that it's not very likely.

 

An affair (sexual) does mean more than a one night stand, right? They become LOVERS.

 

Or how about this: Husband get busted in a sexual affair.

He say's,"Aw Honey, we never had an emotional connection."

That's the same B.S. as "It didn't mean anything"

 

I guess this is off topic anyway - good question for another thread.

 

BTW - FWIW

 

AP - I'm glad you decided against telling the wife.

 

Greg, You raise some good point's here. I just think that an affair is an affair period! It's an "R" that is hidden from a comitted partner, regardless of what the case may be. There is dishonesty involved and it's wrong. I was WRONG and so was MM. Will you be nice to me now Greg, LOL!

 

AP:)

[GregsBad]

I started a new thread: "EA more damage than SA"

[GregsBad]

Will you be nice to me now Greg, LOL!

 

AP:)

 

Absolutely! I'll be good from now on.

 

Thanks for the second chance

[forbidden fruit]

Thanks Together your OP is very correct. There are ton's of fact's on line that prove that an ea can be even more devestateing to an individual and a marriage than a sexual affair. This is due to the fact that it rob's the marriage of so much energy. My therapist has backed up the fact's that I have read. I guess from what I understand the worst kind of affair is a sexual affair with a strong emotional bond.

 

AP

I can say that is true. I had a sexual affair with a strong bond. I find it hard even after everything we have been through to stop my feelings. I have stopped talking with him it will be three weeks and today I saw him and he just stared at me and waited for a response so I just said hello and kept doing what I was doing.

It just seems so weird after all we have shared all the thoughts, laughter and sorrow that we can hardly say hi. I know it is the right thing but it just seems so weird and I am sad. I love my h and did not want to hurt him. So while eveyday I think I could of told his w. Maybe then he would wipe that smurk on his face like I am still safe and you did not hurt me, it would in the end do more harm to my family and for what so I could ruin his life and his family. He will get his if he continues to do what he is doing. i always called him a player and he said that was the furthest thing from the truth, but I know it is not. He will get caught they always do.

So by doing nothing ap you have won. I walked away even after all he did to me and still managed to say hi because I did not want him to think he took all of me and destroyed me, but boy did he come close and I almost let him. I know it is so hard to think they got away with everything while you are doing all the work, but the grass is not greener on the other side and you have know idea what goes on behind closed doors. My ex mm is a great actor and I am sure yours is too.

[mopar crazy]

Sorry, but I have to go w/ Greg on this one. He's saying everything I was thinking.

 

My Wh had a A. What started out as an EA turned into a PA. What hurt more? I can't really say but when I read the words he said to her tore my heart into a million pieces but knowing he was having sex w/ her made it even worse! I didn't know for a fact if they were having sex but I was pretty sure. It wasn't until he told me they did. My world crashed down on me.

 

Now that it's been four years since the PA/EA what bothers me the most is the PA part of it. To make a long story short, our M wasn't exactly the best. He wanted to be M and be a father, but wanted to act like a SG also (meaning party all the time). I became a bitch. I threatened D unless things changed. Well, Ms. Hot Pants where he worked pursued him for three years. Paid attention to him, blah, blah, blah. His excuse for the A.

 

Anyhow, I would let this go. Seems her WH has already talked to her from what I read so AP, just let it go. Leave them alone and try working on your M.

[Impudent Oyster]

That's right! NO SEX, I think that's easy to understand. Emotional bonding YES.

 

Are you sure the MM knows you two had an emotional affair? He might not, you know.

 

I think you should definitely tell his wife of the strong feelings you have (had?) for each other and of your intense emotional relationship. I can't wait to hear how that will play out.

[Meaplus3]

Are you sure the MM knows you two had an emotional affair? He might not, you know.

 

I think you should definitely tell his wife of the strong feelings you have (had?) for each other and of your intense emotional relationship. I can't wait to hear how that will play out.

 

Impudent, Yes MM know's it was an ea, he did admit to that, although I think in his head he didn't "cross HIS line" so to speak. One thing I have learned from my therapy session's its that each and every one of us has our own definition of what is so called "Cheating". To this MM, because he was able to control his pee pee, then really he did not break his marriage vow's. Well IMO, "For saking all other's" mean's exactly how it reads. I feel I did break my vow's by having and ea, that's my line.

 

AP

[meetme26]

I told my xMM's wife a while back. I did it for no other reason than we had broken up and I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. I have no idea how it has turned out for them because I have stayed in NC since the D-day. Some days are harder than others because not only do I deal with the guilt of the A, but also the guilt of hurting 2 people (the W and child I did not even know). I struggle often with wanting to know the outcome of telling the W and don't ever think I'll get the closure I need.

 

This is the worst situation I've ever been involved in....I didn't ever to begin to imagine the consequences of the A when it first started.