Am I right to feel this way?

[myorangecrush]

I have lost that spark /connection with my wife and feel that it is possibly time to part ways. We have tried to get it back for 2 years, but it has not been found yet. For the relationship to work in my mind, I have to know 100% that I make her happy and I have to have zero doubts that she is the one for me there is no margin for error in my book, while she simply accepts that we don’t have that connection anymore.

 

Let me break it down (for those that need to know) in bullets instead of a long song and dance.

 

HISTORY

• We met in college

• Dated for 7 years before I proposed

• Got married 1 year later

• We have only been married for 1 ½ years.

• No kids

• Nearly 10 years of being together.

• Early in the relationship we were long distance (I moved away to work)

• I moved back to be with her and we lived in the same area for most of the relationship, but never lived together.

• For about 2 years before we got married I moved to a major city and we were long distance again (for work)

• I gave up a good job to move back before the wedding.

 

OTHER DETAILS

• We have disagreements, but rarely fight and NEVER broke up.

 

• I have NEVER cheated (and I truly believe she has not either)

 

• Until recently I knew that she was the one for me and I had no doubt that I was the one for her. We simply had that connection when our eyes met we knew that there was no one else for us.

 

• Until recently we had an amazing sex life. Now I don’t feel the connection that I need to desire sex. I don’t feel close to her and I do try, but it has become more like maintenance.

 

 

PROBLEMS

• When we were married I thought most of her changes were a phase due to the stress of planning a wedding and that they would pass. It never passed and I grew distant. She became bitter and unappreciative and we barely see eye to eye.

 

RECENT EVENTS

• I told her that “in my heart I feel that we are over, but I don’t want it to be”. We have decided to give each other a lot of space (but live under the same roof). I am not sure if that will work. We have opposite schedules, so that helps.

 

• There is no one else in my life, although there were a few potential safety nets (other women very interested in me) a while back. I have since cut all ties with anyone that could potentially be a safety net. I feel that I cannot have any safety nets or escapes if I want to make the right decision. I will admit that I nearly feel for one of the women, but made the sensible choice.

 

QUESTIONS

• Am I right to want to have that 100% connection/passion/desire with my wife again or call if off if we do not connect? I wont accept anything less. I love her but I’m not in love with her currently (but I would do anything to feel that way again). I just think it’s not healthy to “just accept that we grew apart and be content.”

 

• How much time is enough to figure out if we can ever click again? And when is it time to move on and be civil?

 

i don't want to lose her, but I dont want to regret thsi 10 years from now and saw..."we should have ended it then."

 

Thanks in advance. -MOC

[sumdude]

Hmmm. well... no long relationship goes without it's doldrums.. often called the seven year itch. There sure seems to be a seven to 8 year cycle if you read these boards enough. You hit a spot where you wonder ... well now what? Is this all there is? When I've talked to some people who made the long haul they'll say they've fallen in and out of *love* a few times.

 

I would first consider seeing a marriage councilor .. maybe there are hidden issues. The fact that you don't argue might be a bad thing believe it or not. Maybe someone is holding back something and doesn't know how to approach it or is a conflict avoider. Probably something that has slowly built up a resentment over time. Hey I'm just guessing here. Check out a website called marriagebuilders. Look for books that can help you.

 

Five Love Languages

is one I can think of

 

People change, relationships change you have to learn to adjust, grow and adapt. That super duper gaga magic early love thing doesn't last forever in any marriage. Some people spend thier lives jumping from one person to the next going for that high of the new relationship. When it inevitably wears off a bit they move on to the next one. Over and over always ending up feeling empty. There's deeper thing that happens when you get through the bad times to the next set of good times. Takes time, work, patience and the willingness of both partners to get through it. No one teaches how to be married but there are resources to help.

 

Me ... my wife moved out on me after 7 and a half years. We we're together 5 1/2 before the wedding and married just under two. Seems like a lot of marriages are having problems at the two year mark. She didn't seem to have what it took to get through the inevitable bad times. So here I am starting all over and dealing with a pretty rough time. Divorce sucks plain and simple and should be avoided whenever possible.

[myorangecrush]

I understand what you are saying.

 

I do often wonder if not having an all out brawl sometimes causes us to not resolve things as much as whe should or could have. I am positive there is antimosity on both ends and we both feel the other has changed more than ourself. I think that my changes are mainly as a reaction to her, but that is my biased belief. And I'm sure she just thinks that I don't like her.

 

What makes this even more painful is that I get along with 99.9% of the people I meet and I am in a career where I meet dozens of people a week. (in my former carrer I met more than that). I don't sustain all of the relationships with everyone I meet, but there are a few here and there that seem to stand the test of time.

 

What makes it even harder I have decided to isolate myself from these external relationships because I don't want any "safety nets" or rebound potentials with the women I have grown closer to over the years. So to say I am spiraling into sadness is an understatement. I have gone from the Top dog feeling to the abandonded mutt feeling.

 

Who here has the 12 step plan to work things out?

 

And who here has had to make that final decision that it is best to just walk away?

[sumdude]

Have you two gone to a marraige councilor yet? Even brought it up?

[Lady Aurora]

sumdude has made some good points. Your situation sounds like something that could benefit greatly from counseling. You would be surprised, it could even bring that "spark" back for both of you. At the very least, if it doesn't work, you will know you are making the right choice and have given it your best.

 

Aura

[myorangecrush]

Have you two gone to a marraige councilor yet? Even brought it up?

 

 

we have plans to start in two weeks. once i get back in town from work.

[sumdude]

we have plans to start in two weeks. once i get back in town from work.

 

That's good to hear. you have to take actions to get any results.

 

What makes it even harder I have decided to isolate myself from these external relationships because I don't want any "safety nets" or rebound potentials with the women I have grown closer to over the years. So to say I am spiraling into sadness is an understatement. I have gone from the Top dog feeling to the abandonded mutt feeling.

 

It's essential to avoid any possible romantic entaglements with other women. As far as isolationg yourself... are you afraid you won't be able to control yourself? Relationships only go as far as you let them.

 

If you are really getting depressed consider individual counciling for yourself. I waited too long in my own case. I'm going to use an old line here but one that I learned was true .. the hard way. Your happiness has to come from inside... you have to be okay with yourself for someone else to want to be with you. If you are looking to people and things outside of yourself to MAKE you happy it just isn't going to happen. Maybe you've lost yourself a bit over time in the marriage? Keep yourself busy and interested in your own life. If you've become a bit needy in your wife's eyes that can dampen attraction quite a bit. Be okay with how your wife is and what she's doing these days and worry about yourself without looking to other people for fulfillment.

 

Could be you two have fallen in to the roommate trap. You haven't been able to connect on a level that you used to because of the daily routine or general life stresses.

[myorangecrush]

It's essential to avoid any possible romantic entanglements with other women. As far as isolating yourself... are you afraid you won't be able to control yourself? Relationships only go as far as you let them.

I've always been able to control myself in the past without doubts or hesitation. But I've never felt as venerable as I am now. There is a larger part of me that thinks “what if” and “maybe once wont hurt” than there has ever been before, and I don't think that’s healthy. So for now I think I should remove all temptation until i have my head and thoughts aligned. Although there are a few temptations that I can not avoid. While appreciation is the deepest craving in human nature, it doesn't help that sometimes you hear things like "your wife is so lucky... if you weren’t married, you'd be my dream guy." Yes we all love compliments, but the timing couldn’t be any worse.

 

If you are really getting depressed consider individual counseling for yourself.

Started individual therapy the minute I took the blame myself. So far I'm not depressed enough to warrant any modifications in my life (i.e. drugs, placebos).

I do see now that the main thing that makes me depressed is working out the best solution in this marriage. (although I have just been diagnosed as being mildly depressed my entire life –WTF?)

 

 

Could be you two have fallen in to the roommate trap. You haven't been able to connect on a level that you used to because of the daily routine or general life stresses.

 

Bingo! She’s even talked about this is how she feels with me. (I clearly agree with her)

[sumdude]

 

 

Bingo! She’s even talked about this is how she feels with me. (I clearly agree with her)

 

First you need to take the pressure off the relationship as much as you can. Relax .... no one wants to be around someone who is stressed, down in the dumps, constantly bringing up problems etc. etc. The more pressure you apply the more she is likely to back away.

 

Save it for counciling and LISTEN ... pretend there is duct tape over your mouth while she explains her feelings ... don't get defensive ... they are feelings and you just can't argue or reason with feelings. Also expect the same in return when you are explaining how you feel.

 

It's a puzzle for the two of you to solve and not a debate.

 

Read this thread ... somone else going through a similar stage in marriage.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119782/

[myorangecrush]

It has been a few months and we've tried counseling, and not much has changed except that we are both aware that we have no chemistry at all left. W wants to work it out and has admitted all of her faults, but i cant give in that easily. Something has been stopping me from reconnecting with her. It's probably some inner animosity and exhaustion.

 

Recently I wanted to make myself happy, so I've tried to let my self have fun via work and friends only to end up guilty. I got really close with a married woman only to have her fall in love with me and tell/show me all of the things I was longing for in my marriage. I've totally fallen in love with her. It's not healthy at all. I think she and I are both longing for what we see in each other, so lately we've kept our distance. But My heart aches at missing the attention from her.

 

I know I can still connect with women (which is a good thing) but I just can't connect anymore with my wife. I'm lingering with her and don't feel potential for closeness at all.