Bi-Polar Boyfriend

[KerrViii]

I've been with my boyfriend 2 years. He's 21 and I'm 19. Hes bipolar, and has taking medication to help it since he was 15. I don't understand bi-polar disorder that well, but I have picked up his behavioral habits.

 

There are periods of time (usually a few days) where he is very relaxed and happy-go-lucky....He is great guy to be around and attracts people instantly. He is confident, funny and the "life of the party" so to speak. This is the side of him I love most.

 

Then theres other days where it seems like he just wakes up feeling "down". From what he says, it seems like one very little thing will trigger it and "make" him feel sad all day. If he does tell me whats wrong (most of the time he won't) its usually something very minor (in my opinion) that he is worrying about. He will dwell on it all day...and let it ruin his self esteem for days at a time. He usually doesn't speak to me much, acts distant, smoke a lot of cigarettes,...etc.

 

Hes not the best to be around, but he tries. I can tell that he tries to pull through and stick it out for me. But there are some days where he feels absolutely hopeless. He will have very little energy, barely any motivation but he'll pretend that hes OK. It breaks my heart to see him like this. I have learned to accept it, but at times it wrecks my own self esteem. I try to tell him this without hurting him even more. I might just say something like "Hey its not the end of the world. Lets get out and do something and you'll feel better". He will usually agree to this, and at least TRY to have fun.

 

But then the distance between us is still in effect, and even though we are out trying to have "fun", its leads to nowhere. Its just not the same when hes like this, but I have been trying to accept it and adapt to it as much as I can.

 

Ok -- So this is the real doozy. There is another stage or "side" to his behavior. It is unhealthy and destructive, and I'm having trouble distinguishing whether its based off him being bipolor or if its just his own personality traits - Maybe a mix of both? Maybe something else? I'm really not sure. I'm not very educated on this.

 

He goes into this stage on and off, usually a day or two at a time. He will have days like this maybe, once or twice a month...then maybe not again until 3 months later. He may get very anxious, he will worry about a lot...things he normally wouldn't (i.e. a small chip in the plastic of his motorcycle making him feel like its the end of the world) He seems very sensitive and insecure on days like this.

 

It can become hard to be around. He will drink a lot to break the anxiety, and he begins to feel like everything is hell for him. Things are actually pretty good for him, he has it pretty easy. But I never use that against him, because I do not understand what is going on in his mind. He probably has thoughts in his mind that I do not have regularly, so I try not to judge.

 

Well, the problem is... sometimes when he has days like this he can act like a very mean person. He treats me with disrespect, hurts my feelings and ruins my self esteem, only to turn it around and say that he was just "joking". He does the same with his mother, trying to push her buttons and see how far he can push her. He makes her cry all the time (though she is bipolar as well, and verrrry sensitive), then he will turn it around with a "nice" act to try to fix things.

 

He will say cruel things, things out of the ordinary...He will swear a lot and say stuff that makes other people uncomfortable. He especially likes to put people on the spot, making fun of them or bringing something up thats embarrassing, to see how they will handle it...

 

Sometimes, especially when he is drinking, he'll say things to embarrass me around other people and make everyone uncomfortable (such as very sexual comments toward me..about my body, etc). His guy friends might like to hear stuff like that, because they are young and immature (all in their 20's), but I don't think its funny and neither do many other people. He will says things so bizarre, that I don't even know where he comes up with it (I won't even begin to explain, but they can be disgusting, vulgar, or very rude/hurtful things to say to someone)

 

The weird thing is, it is all funny to him. He does things and says things for his own pleasure, without worrying about how it might hurt other peoples' feelings or make them feel uncomfortable. He only gets like this every so often, it is rarely a side that I see. But there have been so many times over the past few years where I have wanted to (or even have, temporarily) called it off with him. I love him to death, but I can't understand this side of him...and it is hard for me to deal with. It is so irritating to keep going back and "letting it go" time and time again. I've told him how I feel about it, and he usually says its just when he is off his medication for a day....

 

He says I shouldn't be mad at him, but that he is sorry if he made me mad. But I don't understand why he acts like this or why he puts himself in a position where he is off his medication. It makes me feel like he doesn't care about preventing this behavior.

 

The other night, he pushed me over the edge and I told him it was over. We were getting along just fine, until one night when he went out with his friends...called me up and said stupid things. He tried to make me feel bad about him hanging out with a girl who used to be my step-sister...Theres a lot more to it, but basically he was trying to make me jealous, was lying about her trying to "put moves" on him. Then he started personally attacking me, insulting me and my family with "jokes".

 

I ended up calling him later that night, and told him that it wasn't worth it to me anymore... That he will never change because he doesn't want to, that it is breaking my self esteem to be with him, and that I don't want him to contact me for a month to be sure that we don't get back together, because I don't want to try anymore...(no surprise visits at work, no text messages, nothing) He told me to relax and said I was overreacting. He threw in a bunch of stupid comments and jokes... and he was interrupting me as I was trying to tell him how I felt, only to make me believe he wasn't serious.

 

So, today he sent me an instant message and asked me what is up with me. He said that he was drunk that night, and that he really wants to understand how I feel. I told him that it was "too late" and that regardless if he was drunk or not, he should have taken me seriously that night and had not taken the initiative to offend me and hurt my feelings. I told him its not even worth explaining, though I want to sooo bad. I want to explain so much to him, because its been 2 years and I still care for him. But I also know that I am very emotional and I may be experiencing feelings that I won't in a month, when I plan to speak to him again.

 

So, my questions are....

 

The way he is acting...Is this behaivor of someone with bipolar disorder, or is that just an excuse that I have developed in my mind??

 

Am I being unfair by suddenly breaking contact when I have taken him back, tried to explain and "warn" him sooo many times?

 

Is it unfair on my part, that I am taking things so seriously, when its just a joke to him?? I feel bad, like maybe he truly doesn't understand sometimes...or maybe his disorder has an effect on this.

 

 

What do you think?? I am willing to hear anything. Please note that I am 19 and still learning and he is 21, also. Thank you in advance!!!!!