Shot down!

[SBBW]

This is my other thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119562/

so I don't have to explain the whole situation again.

 

So I called her (my best friend) yesterday while she was at work and asked her to go to guitar center with me because they are having this huge sale. She was friendly enough and all, but it's clear she doesn't want to go.

 

I'm getting a brand new Fender and I want her there with me to comemerate the ocasion.

 

When she was in the band her and I went to guitar center together all the time. I don't see how her no longer being in the band should change this. She loves that store.

 

I don't want to go by myself though because it's no fun by myself.

 

I just thought I would update everyone. It doesn't look like I'm making any headway winning her back, does it?

[SBBW]

I called her tonight and she didn't even answer the phone. She has caller ID, so I know she knows I called.

 

This is getting really frustrating. I am trying to make peace here.

 

Don't you guys agree she is being petty?

 

Someone reply please.

[Trialbyfire]

Have you tried apologizing to her?

[SBBW]

No.

 

I can see she is upset, but I don't think I did anything wrong.

 

I tired to let her down easy the best I could. She needs to get over it.

[norajane]

My guess is there isn't anything you can do to win her back. Unless you apologize to her for treating her like crap, she's not going to give you the time of day. Even if you apologize, she might not give you the time of day.

[Trimmer]

I don't want to go by myself though because it's no fun by myself.

 

I just thought I would update everyone. It doesn't look like I'm making any headway winning her back, does it?

Between these comments and those in your other thread, it sounds like you treat her as a prize to win, or an accessory for your enjoyment or convenience - or like dirt when your ego is threatened, as in calling her "the turd..."

 

I called her tonight and she didn't even answer the phone. She has caller ID, so I know she knows I called.

 

This is getting really frustrating. I am trying to make peace here.

 

Don't you guys agree she is being petty?

Being "petty" applies more to a situation where you owe someone something, by obligation, and you refuse to fulfill it for some inconsequential reason. In this case, I don't see that she owes you anything. She's made a decision to move on and not foster a continued relationship with you.

 

No.

 

I can see she is upset, but I don't think I did anything wrong.

 

I tired to let her down easy the best I could. She needs to get over it.

Apparently she has. Eventually, you need to as well.

[justagirliegirl]

I read the entire other thread first. Are you sure you aren't a troll and just pulling our legs here?

 

How old is this girl anyway?

 

I do believe you have lost her as a friend.

 

You have to ask yourself at this point why would she want to be your friend? What do you offer as a friend and what makes you worthy as a friend?

 

In my friendships they usually are the kind of people I want to be around. Are you the kind of person she would want to be around?

[Teacher's Pet]

Friendship is earned, not won. She has no reason to be your friend.

 

You really hurt this person.

 

The fact that you won't apologize makes it clear that you just don't get it.

 

-tp

sorry is NOT a 4-letter word.

[SBBW]

I read the entire other thread first. Are you sure you aren't a troll and just pulling our legs here?

 

How old is this girl anyway?

 

I do believe you have lost her as a friend.

 

You have to ask yourself at this point why would she want to be your friend? What do you offer as a friend and what makes you worthy as a friend?

 

In my friendships they usually are the kind of people I want to be around. Are you the kind of person she would want to be around?

 

Oh, now I'm a troll... how amusing. To answer your question no I'm not pulling any legs. what about this situation is so far fetched anyway?

 

And she's 27.

[SBBW]

And not that it matters to anyone but I did drive an hour to guitar center this morning all by myself. I called her before I left my house and then I parked across the street and called her again. Nothing. And this was at 7am, now 4 hours later no call from her or anything.

[Trialbyfire]

If there's no gain for her, why should she call? She owes you nothing.

[SBBW]

She at least owes me the statement "we are not friends anymore." if thats the case. So I don't have to keep guessing and making an idiot of myself.

[justagirliegirl]

I wish this were a joke pulling all our legs. I find it hard to believe how someone could go through life with such a distorted view on relations with others.

 

She owes you nothing. Her actions say she wants nothing to do with you.

 

I do think you are jealous of her. She keeps going with her music by the time she is your age, she'll be an amazing musician. I hope she makes it big. I really do.

[SBBW]

^ Yes, it would be great to see her make it big. But it'll never happen. You don't know her... believe me she doesn't have what it takes to make it big.

 

I heard through the grapevine that she has been cast in an indie movie. The plot of the movie centers around some metal band and she is one of the members. this is the closest she will ever get, believe me. And her character dies in the film anyway.

 

There is no reason for me to be jealous. I live a better life in every aspect. If anything she should be jealous of me.

 

I also want to know why you wondered how old she is? Does it really matter?

[nittygritty]

Why don't you invite her to lunch or dinner your treat so you can apologize.

 

I think inviting her to go to help you pick up your new fender is rubbing salt in the wound that you inflicted.

 

Invite her to do something she enjoys doing that perhaps isn't your usual cup of tea.

 

Or invite her to do something neutral that most everyone enjoys doing. Go to a movie or to get some ice cream.

 

Your walking on thin ice with this friend and if you want to keep this friendship you need to not take advantage of your friends good nature and try not to have such selfish motives surrounding your friendship.

 

Emotional needs need to be met in any kind of relationship. If you are just taking what you want from her without giving back than there really is not any reason for her to continue to be your friend.

[SBBW]

I invited her to go get a drink with me and she claimed she was busy. And I invited her to go driving with me on Mother's day (I forgot it was mother's day) and she had to work and then she was going to see her Mom.

 

I don't know what else to do. She loves Guitar Center. I figured she would go just because it's Guitar Center.

[justagirliegirl]

^ Yes, it would be great to see her make it big. But it'll never happen. You don't know her... believe me she doesn't have what it takes to make it big.

 

I heard through the grapevine that she has been cast in an indie movie. The plot of the movie centers around some metal band and she is one of the members. this is the closest she will ever get, believe me. And her character dies in the film anyway.

 

There is no reason for me to be jealous. I live a better life in every aspect. If anything she should be jealous of me.

 

I also want to know why you wondered how old she is? Does it really matter?

 

So how many movies have you been in?

 

My reason for asking was just to see how much younger she is than you. You are 6 years older. Of course you have a better lifestyle right now. By the time she is your age she may be doing a whole lot better than you are. She also doesn't have the additional baggage of children or a husband either and more time to pursue a music career.

[nittygritty]

^ Yes, it would be great to see her make it big. But it'll never happen. You don't know her... believe me she doesn't have what it takes to make it big.

 

I heard through the grapevine that she has been cast in an indie movie. The plot of the movie centers around some metal band and she is one of the members. this is the closest she will ever get, believe me. And her character dies in the film anyway.

 

There is no reason for me to be jealous. I live a better life in every aspect. If anything she should be jealous of me.

 

I also want to know why you wondered how old she is? Does it really matter?

 

 

Thou does protest too much!

 

 

Some people have a difficult time being friends without involving jealousy and envy or needing to build their ego by transfering their unhappy feelings onto someone else. Maybe your not really happy in your marriage or with yourself or your life. Maybe you need to believe that your better than your friend for some strange reason and that is why you keep pointing out all of your friends flaws??? Your posts sound like you have been having a mental competition with your friend. Whatever it is, this is your personal problem not your friends.

[SBBW]

So how many movies have you been in?

 

My reason for asking was just to see how much younger she is than you. You are 6 years older. Of course you have a better lifestyle right now. By the time she is your age she may be doing a whole lot better than you are. She also doesn't have the additional baggage of children or a husband either and more time to pursue a music career.

 

She isn't persuing anything. She already has a career as a Graphic Artist. This whole music thing is just some fun outlet for her. She does it because she likes to do it. And she said her only goal was to play live, not make it big.

 

And no I've never been in any movies. I don't see how that matters. How many gigs has she played? None. How many bands has she been in? One and she couldn't cut it. The fact that she is in some movie doesn't make her better.

[nittygritty]

I invited her to go get a drink with me and she claimed she was busy. And I invited her to go driving with me on Mother's day (I forgot it was mother's day) and she had to work and then she was going to see her Mom.

 

I don't know what else to do. She loves Guitar Center. I figured she would go just because it's Guitar Center.

 

 

No offense, but do you drink too much? It would explain why she wouldn't want to go have a drink with you. It also would explain why you might be experiencing this problem of not understanding the dynamics of a healthy friendship.

 

I would recommend you take a look at your part in the problems and try to talk to your friend.

[AriaIncognito]

And not that it matters to anyone but I did drive an hour to guitar center this morning all by myself. I called her before I left my house and then I parked across the street and called her again. Nothing. And this was at 7am, now 4 hours later no call from her or anything.

 

So basically now you are stalking her because she doesn't want to be your friend? Sounds to me like you only want her in your life on your terms, and well, that's very unfair to her. It's like breaking up with someone and then wanting to stay friends with them even though you know they were far more invested in the relationship than you ever were. You are just wanting her there for your own selfish needs, nothing to do with her.

 

Give this up and move on. Find someone you can start fresh with, and don't make the same mistakes.

[AriaIncognito]

I don't know what else to do. She loves Guitar Center. I figured she would go just because it's Guitar Center.

 

I assume she can go to Guitar Center on her own. If she loves it, nothing will stop her from going there, with someone, or without.

 

And no I've never been in any movies. I don't see how that matters. How many gigs has she played? None. How many bands has she been in? One and she couldn't cut it. The fact that she is in some movie doesn't make her better.

 

You've said yourself that your band has been together for like, a year, and has only played out once, so I dont see where you're so high and mighty to say she's been in "none". I've played out like a hundred times, who gives a sh*t? Look at what you write about this person who you say is someone you are a friend to. You can't even be HAPPY for HER when she makes personal goals. She wanted to be in a band, and she is, you should be happy for her. She wanted to be in a movie, and she is, you should be happy for her. But what do you do? You sit here and belittle what she's done, as if it's no big deal or you could do better if you wanted to. Why not actually be in this for HER for once, and not for your own needs? If my friends weren't able to be happy for me and my accomplishments, you can be damn sure I'd not be answering the phone either. With friends like that, I wouldn't need enemies.

 

Take a long look at what you've been posting. It does not paint a pretty picture. I'm not sure we could find 1 poster on here that would want to befriend you acting in this manner.

[Trimmer]

...what about this situation is so far fetched anyway?

 

SBBW - the thing I find most interesting about this thread (combined with your other one about the same friend and the same issues) is what I perceive to be your insensitivity to the mechanics and interpersonal dynamics of a friendship.

 

First, I am fascinated that after the interactions you described in the previous thread, you don't see anything inconsistent between your friendship with her and your behavior and feelings, both in direct interactions (e.g. intentionally deceiving her for your own benefit) and outside her presence (e.g. making fun of her with the other band members, calling her "the turd", saying "I do look forward to her failure in the other band because then I won't feel so bad like what I did was wrong"....)

 

Second, from an interpersonal dynamics perspective, it's interesting that you don't understand how she could feel affronted by these behaviors, and by the attitude you are likely sending out. If you are calling her "the turd" here on LS, belittling her musical work with an autistic child as a reflection on her own musical level, saying "I live a better life in every aspect. If anything she should be jealous of me," etc., I have to wonder how much of those attitudes are being trasmitted to her through your various interactions.

 

And finally, I am interested that you don't seem to be undestanding the message that she doesn't want to be your friend any more. She is doing all the things a typical mature adult would do to back gently away from a relationship in a civil fashion, without a lot of drama. She keeps her head up, acting with politeness and dignity, but politely turns down opportunities for further interaction. These are messages that most adults would understand as a cooling of the relationship, but you eagerly look for the drama (when she left the band: "I was honestly expecting a more dramatic exit, and a little disappointed she didn't give me one") and you don't seem to get it without it being pounded into you with a direct statement: "She at least owes me the statement "we are not friends anymore." if thats the case. So I don't have to keep guessing and making an idiot of myself."

 

If you are here for advice, here's mine: stop guessing.

 

I think you said you didn't have many other friends in your circle - why is that, and why don't you try to cultivate some new ones?

[Trialbyfire]

SBBW, how are your family dynamics? Do you ever help each other for no reason beyond caring for the other person? Do you ever do things for your husband because you love him? Does your family and husband reciprocate help and caring to you?

[SBBW]

Lets see now... my family dynamics...

 

My dad left when I was young. Him and my Mom were in the house band in a hotel. He sang and she played bass. Then he ran off with the backup singer.

 

My Mom is a liar, a manipulator, and she is in her late 50s and thinks she's in her 20s. Whenever I had a problem growing up she gave me money and bought me stuff to solve it.

 

My brother is mentally ill. Great guy, super talented, a musician, but he's nuts.

 

I take good care of my husband. I cook for him, clean for him, go out of my way to look beautiful for him, fullfill his every fantasy in the bedroom, buy him gifts just because, etc. I have even offered to open up the mariage so he can have his fun if he ever gets bored with me. He didn't go for it, but I offered. And, aside form all the things I do for him, I'm also the breadwinner. I make a few thousand more a year then he does.