Is this possible??? Can a dumper feel depressed??

[iamsofoolish80]

My ex left me back in December, I learned yesterday from a friend, that she was depressed when she left me and was even warned at work that she would be fired if she didn't improve her performance because her work was lacking. Can a dumper really get depressed if this is what they wanted??? She left because she felt needy in our relationship and wanted to feel needed. In a nut shell this is what she explained on Monday of this past week.

 

I heard she spent lots of time alone and is now dating someone who we both knew for about 1 year. Personally, she left me for him and the guilt of me finding out made her depressed. This is what I believe.

 

At this point she is with someone else and I just told her I cannot continue being friends with her. She cried, doesn't agree with me, but said she will respect my request...

 

Is this relationship a rebound??? She knew the guy for 1 year. Started dating him IMMEDIATELY after we broke up and slept with him 2 months later. She is still with him. Recently, she's said to me that although she knows I and everyone thinks he is a piece of sh*t, because he is, for lack of better words. He is on drugs, has 2 kids he doesn't take care of and doesn't work. According to her, he's nice, he listens to her, values her opinion, something I never did, accoridng to her. So how the hell did she and I last 7 years??? That's just her justifying why she is with him. I said, is this really someone you can see yourself with long term and her answer is, I don't know, I haven't thought about it. In my opinion, she's not thinking about it because she's afraid of what she will realize. This guy offers her NO FUTURE! He is a musician waiting for the BIG BREAK! Sit and wait with the other 4.5 million people waiting for a BIG BREAK!

 

Ive asked her if she regrets leaving and she said, sometimes. Because I was really good to her and she is confused. She is not sure if she made the right decision, but she really likes him also. Said she cannot just cut ties with him and come back to me because he is not a bad guy like i make him out to be and what if things between she and i do not work out again?

 

I'm so confused! I want her back! I miss her so much! I love her more than I can express! I had planned to propose to her on our anniversary, which was like 2 weeks after she said she wanted to break up. This was something I had been planning to do for 1 year. So it wasn't that I proposing cause she was leaving.

 

But what is your take on this? Can someone hlep me shed some light on this? She says to me she thinks about me a lot. Misses me. Loves me. But is not certain of things can work between she and I. What if we don't find that spark again... blah blah blah.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Dumping someone can be depressing. There is nothing gleeful and fulfilling at breaking someone's heart who has generally done nothing to deserve it. There is a lot of guilt there - guilt for falling out of love, guilt for hurting someone, guilt for wanting to find happiness with someone else, guilt when you do find it.

 

When you dump someone, it is not unusual to have at least some feelings left for them. Just not enough to maintain a relationship, or want to go back to one. Why does she keep in contact? To continue to enjoy the things she likes and misses about you, without having to be in an actual relationship with you. The guilt will only go so far though. The more you try to 'win back' a dumper, the more likely it is that the guilt will turn to resentment and they will simply let you go entirely.

 

Right now, she doesn't see the negative qualities about this guy the same way that you do, and there isn't a lot you can say or do to convince her to leave him to come back to you.

 

What to do? Honestly, the best thing is to let her go - ease out of her life gradually if you must, as to not shock your heart, but make no mistake about it - you have to focus on the "out of her life" part. All "being there" is accomplishing is that she gets to enjoy the parts of you she likes without having to have a relationship with you, and you get filled with false hope and wishful thinking.

[Johnny B]

Dumping someone can be depressing. There is nothing gleeful and fulfilling at breaking someone's heart who has generally done nothing to deserve it. There is a lot of guilt there - guilt for falling out of love, guilt for hurting someone, guilt for wanting to find happiness with someone else, guilt when you do find it.

 

When you dump someone, it is not unusual to have at least some feelings left for them. Just not enough to maintain a relationship, or want to go back to one. Why does she keep in contact? To continue to enjoy the things she likes and misses about you, without having to be in an actual relationship with you. The guilt will only go so far though. The more you try to 'win back' a dumper, the more likely it is that the guilt will turn to resentment and they will simply let you go entirely.

 

Right now, she doesn't see the negative qualities about this guy the same way that you do, and there isn't a lot you can say or do to convince her to leave him to come back to you.

 

What to do? Honestly, the best thing is to let her go - ease out of her life gradually if you must, as to not shock your heart, but make no mistake about it - you have to focus on the "out of her life" part. All "being there" is accomplishing is that she gets to enjoy the parts of you she likes without having to have a relationship with you, and you get filled with false hope and wishful thinking.

 

LB is 1 million percent on the money with this post. If you want more validation.. read my threads.

 

I was the dumper who wanted to keep contact with the ex because i enjoyed her company as a friend (while i dated other women). Then as soon as she began dating someone else and stopped the pursuit of me, I did a 180 and regretted my decision. I wanted her back.

 

I wasn't able to get her back, but the tables were then completely reversed. She wanted to keep me as a friend while dating her new b/f.

 

However you cannot stay friends with an ex you have feelings for. Its impossible. That is why you must let her go, no matter how hard this is.

 

I let her go without properly acknowledging / addressing / or realizing the feelings I had for her. Or just denied them entirely. It took me really losing her to figure it all out.

 

It's my loss... and possibly something your ex will realize as well one day but dont live with that thought in your head. Go forward with the thought that she isnt coming back...

 

its really the only way dude.

[Freedom Now]

You can also be depressed after you have dumped someone because you didn't leave because of a lack of feelings, but because you can see that the relationship isn't good for you.

 

It is hard to walk away from a relationship even though it isn't right for you. And it is depressing when you still have feelings for that person but deep down you know that the best thing is to leave.

[JaneInVegas]

 

Ive asked her if she regrets leaving and she said, sometimes. Because I was really good to her and she is confused. She is not sure if she made the right decision, but she really likes him also. Said she cannot just cut ties with him and come back to me because he is not a bad guy like i make him out to be and what if things between she and i do not work out again?

 

 

First off let me say, it is very common for women to get depressed after breaking up with someone. We not only miss the person a lot, but we also miss what we had perceived as The Future. She knows she doesn't have a future with this guy, you don't need to make her feel any worse than she does already by reminding her of that.

 

Here is what I see ... you may not have realized it when you were together, but you weren't doing or 'being' something that she needed. The musician is a loser, but whatever that One Thing is, he's providing it for her. Now she's mad because she has that One Thing, but she misses you, and her perception of what the future may have held. Did she have any clue at all you were serious enough to pop the question? She may not have known at all. A lot of men don't really know what is going on inside a woman's head, and while you honestly thought you were nice and sweet, she may have thought you were being distant ... while the whole time you were waiting for your anniversary to roll around to propose. Like it or not, men and women think totally different, and it's very hard for us to get on the same wave length as each other.

 

Here is what I suggest you do. Talk to her at least once more. Don't come across as all mushy and needy, but see if you can find the fine line between caring enough and not caring too much ... easier said than done, I know. Ask her point blank what the musician gives her that you did not. Ask her what it would take to make things work out for the two of you. Then say, "Oh, that's it ... let me think on this one for a couple of days" Then let the two of you stew on it for awhile. You may have to coax it out of her, but as a woman I am telling you I am 99% sure there is 'one thing' she needed very badly from you that she wasn't getting, and the musician provides with little or no effort (and probably doesn't even realize it). Don't sell your soul for this woman, but if you really love her enough to marry her, maybe you should consider it an option to tell her so.

 

Good luck, let us know what you decide to do, and what happens.

[iamsofoolish80]

Well, she does know I was going to pop the question. I actually showed her the ring and told her on the day she said she wanted space. In fact, I believe it is what held her up a little because she couldn't believe it. But something really pushed her to leave. Maybe it was my begging for her not to... she felt like I deserved this pain, this is what i believe...

 

And you are right... there is the 1 thing that made her leave, according to her, "He is nice and he listens to me. My opinions matter to him. He cares about what I have to say and values it." And honestly, she is soooo blind. I did not play down her opinions or disvalue them, or anything to the effect. I am very set in how I do things. I look very little for advice, GO FIGURE!!!! Well, I've learned now! BUT I used to try to take on the world by myself and she would offer advice, I'd thank her and do what I had set in my mind originally and this owuld hurt her. I really really did not mean to hurt her in that way.

 

I love this girl like you wouldn't believe. I did everything I could for her. She even said that it's hard because she recognizes everything I would do for her and how much I did care for her, but she's not sure that she can continue the arguments between she and I. I've changed A LOT since she has left. In fact she has recognized it and has even said, I am so proud of the MAN you have become.

 

And this is not just because she left, but because I realized even BEFORE she told me she was leaving that I needed to make an adjustment and this hurt her as well, because she realized that before she told me she wanted the space I had begun searching for a therapist for myself cause I realized I wasn't being my best, as a person.

 

Well, guess what, a little too late. She's gone. She's with someone else. She spent ALL this weekend with him. And I've really lost her.

 

I guess all that is left for me to do is move on, and let it go and should she look for me, well, we will see. BUT that moving on part is easier said than done. I really hate that she tells me she is confused. Because it keeps leading me to believe I have a chance. And she sincerely seems confused. I wish she came back to me wholeheartedly, but for that, she has to see that things are going no where with him. GOD knows if that will happen.

 

I really did not deserve this. ANYONE friends of her or mine will tell you how good I was to her. And how REAL I was to her. This is not the type of treatment you give someone who has given you their all.

 

First off let me say, it is very common for women to get depressed after breaking up with someone. We not only miss the person a lot, but we also miss what we had perceived as The Future. She knows she doesn't have a future with this guy, you don't need to make her feel any worse than she does already by reminding her of that.

 

Here is what I see ... you may not have realized it when you were together, but you weren't doing or 'being' something that she needed. The musician is a loser, but whatever that One Thing is, he's providing it for her. Now she's mad because she has that One Thing, but she misses you, and her perception of what the future may have held. Did she have any clue at all you were serious enough to pop the question? She may not have known at all. A lot of men don't really know what is going on inside a woman's head, and while you honestly thought you were nice and sweet, she may have thought you were being distant ... while the whole time you were waiting for your anniversary to roll around to propose. Like it or not, men and women think totally different, and it's very hard for us to get on the same wave length as each other.

 

Here is what I suggest you do. Talk to her at least once more. Don't come across as all mushy and needy, but see if you can find the fine line between caring enough and not caring too much ... easier said than done, I know. Ask her point blank what the musician gives her that you did not. Ask her what it would take to make things work out for the two of you. Then say, "Oh, that's it ... let me think on this one for a couple of days" Then let the two of you stew on it for awhile. You may have to coax it out of her, but as a woman I am telling you I am 99% sure there is 'one thing' she needed very badly from you that she wasn't getting, and the musician provides with little or no effort (and probably doesn't even realize it). Don't sell your soul for this woman, but if you really love her enough to marry her, maybe you should consider it an option to tell her so.

 

Good luck, let us know what you decide to do, and what happens.

[socialight]

after my fiance walked out on me she was a wreck for a month, had food issues, etc, and is still with the loser she left me for. Her family and friends are still embarrased and still keep in touch with me.

 

She also made 3 or 4 attempts to reconnect as "friends" with me, one of which I entertained, the rest I rejected. As should you.