Happy OW with no particular question..?

[hardcase]

Well, if a married man ask me to hook up with him, I would lose ALL respect for him no matter how gorgeous he is:rolleyes: he should be called "boy"

 

lonelybird...you are a true woman!!

[hardcase]

Here is a site that you can go to and purchase a few items that will help you in your fight against the MM's wives.

 

http://www.folkartstores.com/servlet/Categories?category=Voodoo:Dolls

 

So go buy a few, you know you want to.

[lessonlearnt]

How can you reconcile him being anxious not to hurt me further with my being 'disposable'..? Why would any OW be disposable who was so 'on her knees' as you make me out to be? None of these arguments and theories I've read about his feelings about ending it make any logical sense, and this one perhaps less than most... but on to the rest of your post.

 

I don't need to walk away now, as I have done that before, and we've just gone through a very traumatic experience of trying to end the affair in one way or another.. I don't need to 'find out what he's about'... the whole point of this thread is making it clear that once an OW realises and knows what her MM is going to do the indecision (that which causes all the pain) is over... and things can just go on as they will. No more anxious nights, difficult conversations, arguments, reading websites about the effects of divorce on children... all over. Just time to see how things are between you and he and whether or not, at the end of the day, it's worth wasting breath on.

 

As everyone on the entire board probably knows, he phones home at night for about ten minutes to say goodnight to the children. That is the extent of it. I have no idea how much out of that time is spent chatting to his wife, but if that is the extent of their marriage then I would feel aggrieved about it if I were her.

 

No one suspects him of having an affair because they have no need to. Evidently either his wife doesn't ask or doesn't care what he does with his evenings. I can't really comment on her or her family's views on whether or not he's capable or showing any signs of having an affair.

 

I don't ask about the future, neither do I want to, or care. The future is far to far in the distance to make any impact on my life now. In fact its far likelier now that other things will happen than us getting together... discovery, boredom, one of us popping our clogs, who knows. There's no 'frannie can't ask about the future'... frannie doesn't need to know about the future.

 

And I just don't understand where his leaving this house, packing bags, driving off, or any other description of his going away means anything in terms of him loving his wife... after all he also packs his bag to come here, parks his car, comes up the drive, rings my doorbell... so what? Since when did going away from here mean more than coming? Or vice versa? That is a nonsense argument.

 

Regarding his making his choice and it was a 'nice little settle' ... actually he made his choice in the certain knowledge that that would be OVER for us. Get your facts right. That means, according to the received wisdom of LS, that he wanted rid of me, not that it was a 'nice little settle'. Once again things are twisted to mean certainty in one direction or the other, but always against the OW... funny that.

 

As for the F*** buddy comments, I think you are flailing around with no information or a bad dictionary.

 

I do see the situation for what it is. Glory be for that. And no, I don't need or want it to change. ditto. Evidently my points in my first post have gone right past you. The whole point is that if you DON'T need things to change and you ACCEPT the situation for what it is, then you can be very happy with being an OW. The whole pain lies in the striving and the needing, and the wanting and the hoping... or at least that is where it was for me. Nowadays its just an ordinary relationship... no need for it to get anywhere fast, no need for anything to change to 'make me happy'.

 

If he loved his wife and kids more.. then why is he making his life so 'difficult' and putting their happiness at risk daily..?

 

And lastly, he DOES have a job close to them. That is where his main office is. What he does is make sure he has reasons to be at other offices and 'work at home' (my home) whenever he can.

 

 

Oh dear your true colors finally come out.

He has chosen his wife and kids over you--you don't get it do you.

Or you are in denial? He has rejected the chance of a full time relationship with you.

You now dispute that he loves his wife and kids more?

If you really think that, then his excuse that he is staying for the kids wears a bit thin doesn't it.

If he really was unhappy at home he would be out of there. If he loved you more why would he wave good-bye to you and return to his wife and sleep with her (sorry another assumption of mine!). He has conversations, shares stories wih her that you are not privy to. He may even tell hr he loves her. That is the limitation of this set up. He has worn down your spirit and you accept that this is all you are entitled to?

 

What is difficult about his life? He has a steady arrangement with you during the week and his family at the weekend, vacations etc. You offer it on a plate and he thinks well he might as well. It suits him.

I can assure you that almost to a man (check out other forums too), mm who fall in love with their OW do leave home. They are almost driven by emotion to do so. He is a good liar and he will have an excuse ready if a DD happened.

What chances are there of him getting caught on a daily basis? You mean for 3/4 days a week unless you are talking about phoning the wife when you choose to do so. If she phoned in an emergency, he has his mobile phone and can leave you at a moment's notice in the same way that he can leave a hotel.

 

When he made his decision, if you had walked away, that would have been it. The end of an affair, a bit of extramarital fun which he never intended or intends to interfere with his marriage. Does he see you at weekends? My xmm used to do that and he certainly took many more risks to see me because we lived near each other. His wife got suspicious because I made an impression on him and it came out in his relationship with his wife. Not much sign of that happening with your mm. She hardly phones, doesn't mean she doesn't love him, and it shows she trusts him (mistakenly). Even if she is indifferent towards him, it doesn't mean that you are going to get him, which is what you want.

 

Someone else said that he wasn't in love with you or his wife. Be careful because I know of someone in your situation who had a ten year affair while his children grew up and when the OW threw in the towel he left his wife, OW and went off with someone else whom he eventually married. He admitted that he was fond of his OW but ultimately she was a convenient screw. I make no comment about your situation because I'm not sure if you have slept together yet!!

 

Your mm was happy to end the affair and walk away--but he has been doing this for about 3 years and there would appear to be very little risk of his getting caught or found out. If he was, he would choose his family who he has told you he intends staying with.

 

Somewhere else you said that he was not in love wth his wife. Who are you to make assumptions about that? Oh I suppose he told you!

 

I hope one day you really step back and see the relationship and question why he is in it. I would suggest lust, convenience (his), and shared interests have alot to do with it; but love.....Well actions speak louder than words. His actions would suggest that he retuns to the 3 people he really loves, whatever he tells you about his so-called unhappy marriage.

Children do survive divorces and if things are that bad, won't the childen pick up on it? Is that a happy state of affairs (no pun intended)?

You are nothing more than someone whom a married man is cheating with to spice up, but not change, his comfortable life.

 

Stop being selfish and let him go and maybe work on his marriage. The point I keep making is that it was you who had to convince him that it wasn't hurting you to stay in the relationship. He was OK wih finishing it and not seeing you again. You don't want to go NC because he will be fine with that as he's not changing his life for you. He might go on to find another OW. You are scared to go NC because it will be you making the contact again.

Your writing suggest that you are hurt, jealous of his family, downtrodden and accepting of your position in the pecking order.

[Jinxx]

Here is a site that you can go to and purchase a few items that will help you in your fight against the MM's wives.

 

http://www.folkartstores.com/servlet/Categories?category=Voodoo:Dolls

 

So go buy a few, you know you want to.

 

Ha, ha. I bought a voodoo doll years ago when I was BS and pissed as all hell. It is my ex-husband. I still have it.

[lessonlearnt]

Why would I be glad when he leaves..?

 

I didn't say we didn't have sex. I merely pointed out that many assumptions can be made, but unless you know the details you're shooting in the dark about sexual relations. And you clearly are.

 

Yes, I took things to the limit in needing to know whether he would or wouldn't leave. Because I needed to know. And when he said he couldn't, knowing it would mean never seeing me again, what it meant to me was, that it mattered a hell of a lot for him to be there.

 

Men with young children who leave home are the men with young children who feel they can leave home. I don't think that has anything to do with who they love, what they want, or what they think about love or child development. It's a choice the first part of which has nothing to do with the second. Nothing could be further from a logical argument than the one you gave here.

 

I don't have to be happy with my affair. I could be very UNhappy with it, or I could end it. The choices are mine. Get that?

 

And yes, I can be happy sharing him with his obligations. Even if one of those is a wife he doesn't love. Not that I think that's a great way to live his life, but it's down to him. Essentially I view it as I would if he were divorced: it would never have been plain-sailing then either... there was always going to be an ex-wife and children to spend time with...

 

And you're right that there are no more dull and anxious conversations about whether he's going to leave. It is clear that that is not going to happen in the near future, if ever... and as I said elsewhere, that's a positive. No more doubt, no more waiting. My decision to be with him now rested solely on whether or not I was getting anything out of this NOW. And I am.

 

What is a 'side dish' again is a matter of perspective. It's a cute little comparison trotted out regularly on here. Of course the marital partner is always the 'main dish' and the floosie on the side is some kind of fast food or indigestible dessert. So much for reality!

 

But to be honest, I don't compare myself to FOOD of any type. I'm the person he talks to when he wants to talk about his work or his thoughts, the one he spends his happiest times with, the one he shares his ideas and plans with. I'm the one he snuggles down with at night, the one he dreams of, and the one he wakes up to after his dreams... I've been sleeping with him for long enough to have noticed the changes in him when he's with me... from a tight, reserved kind of person to one happy to share his thoughts, dreams, and everything that matters... Nothing whatever written here can possibly override the knowledge I have of how he's changed in those years. And all cliches about hamburgers just make me roll my eyes wondering if ANY of those writing them have a clue what being in a relationship (rather than being hitched to someone you barely knew when you were 20) really means.

 

Yes, he would have walked away from it all if it meant I was happy with that. To me that speaks of real love, not 'desperation'. I've heard enough of MM who don't leave their OW alone even after repeated pleas... and then you say you think I'm 'desperately' in love with him. No, by the same measure I'm not. I love him and we are good together, but there's nothing 'desperate' about it, from either side.

 

We are happy, we're in love, and it's going to continue. And nothing you've written here is anything more than the sad generalisations I've read over and over on this site since I first came here.[/quote]

 

 

 

Hmm youre the one he spends his happiest times with? Not his kids then or his wife and kids, how do you know that? Carry on convincing yourself girl.

The bit about dreaming is straight out of a Mills and Boon book. Doesn't he dream when he's at home then?

 

How do you knowwhat he is like when he'd not with you? You haven't been there!

 

He doesn't snuggle down with you every night though..What about Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays?

 

Again you show that unless people agree with you, you have no regard for their views and anyone who disagrees with you doesn't know what it is like to be in a real relationship (other than being hitched to someone when they were 20). Condescending or what! Who are you to judge if others have been ina real relationship. Some of those who reply to you might be OW who have gone on to marry their mm!

I take it that is what happened to your mm and his wife--married young and still marrried and remaining married.

 

Still better to be his wife than some dirty little secret that no one knows about eh.

And as for the sad generalisations, there is no one sadder and unfulfilled in this triangle than you.

[NearlyThere]

LL, reading your "Still better to be his wife than some dirty little secret that no one knows about eh. And as for the sad generalisations, there is no one sadder and unfulfilled in this triangle than you." Sounds a bit like "pot calling the kettle black", you being an OW for 4 years.

[lessonlearnt]

How can you reconcile him being anxious not to hurt me further with my being 'disposable'..? Why would any OW be disposable who was so 'on her knees' as you make me out to be? None of these arguments and theories I've read about his feelings about ending it make any logical sense, and this one perhaps less than most... but on to the rest of your post.

 

I don't need to walk away now, as I have done that before, and we've just gone through a very traumatic experience of trying to end the affair in one way or another.. I don't need to 'find out what he's about'... the whole point of this thread is making it clear that once an OW realises and knows what her MM is going to do the indecision (that which causes all the pain) is over... and things can just go on as they will. No more anxious nights, difficult conversations, arguments, reading websites about the effects of divorce on children... all over. Just time to see how things are between you and he and whether or not, at the end of the day, it's worth wasting breath on.

 

As everyone on the entire board probably knows, he phones home at night for about ten minutes to say goodnight to the children. That is the extent of it. I have no idea how much out of that time is spent chatting to his wife, but if that is the extent of their marriage then I would feel aggrieved about it if I were her.

 

No one suspects him of having an affair because they have no need to. Evidently either his wife doesn't ask or doesn't care what he does with his evenings. I can't really comment on her or her family's views on whether or not he's capable or showing any signs of having an affair.

 

I don't ask about the future, neither do I want to, or care. The future is far to far in the distance to make any impact on my life now. In fact its far likelier now that other things will happen than us getting together... discovery, boredom, one of us popping our clogs, who knows. There's no 'frannie can't ask about the future'... frannie doesn't need to know about the future.

 

And I just don't understand where his leaving this house, packing bags, driving off, or any other description of his going away means anything in terms of him loving his wife... after all he also packs his bag to come here, parks his car, comes up the drive, rings my doorbell... so what? Since when did going away from here mean more than coming? Or vice versa? That is a nonsense argument.

 

Regarding his making his choice and it was a 'nice little settle' ... actually he made his choice in the certain knowledge that that would be OVER for us. Get your facts right. That means, according to the received wisdom of LS, that he wanted rid of me, not that it was a 'nice little settle'. Once again things are twisted to mean certainty in one direction or the other, but always against the OW... funny that.

 

As for the F*** buddy comments, I think you are flailing around with no information or a bad dictionary.

 

I do see the situation for what it is. Glory be for that. And no, I don't need or want it to change. ditto. Evidently my points in my first post have gone right past you. The whole point is that if you DON'T need things to change and you ACCEPT the situation for what it is, then you can be very happy with being an OW. The whole pain lies in the striving and the needing, and the wanting and the hoping... or at least that is where it was for me. Nowadays its just an ordinary relationship... no need for it to get anywhere fast, no need for anything to change to 'make me happy'.

 

If he loved his wife and kids more.. then why is he making his life so 'difficult' and putting their happiness at risk daily..?

 

And lastly, he DOES have a job close to them. That is where his main office is. What he does is make sure he has reasons to be at other offices and 'work at home' (my home) whenever he can.

 

 

I missed the first bit when I posted earlier.

So he may well speak to his wife for some minutes every night. You just don't know. I think it shows that hey have quite a stable comfortable existence and she doesn't need reassuring like maybe you would. I think many long term marriages have that pattern. She will see him in a few days so she doesn't need to phone him every 5 minutes like a love struck teenager. He alo probably rations his time talking so that he doesn't offend or annoy you and he can pretend that it is no big deal to talk to them.

You don't want to take any responsibility for this relationship as someone earlier said--was it lonelybird? She was spot on. Apologies if have got the name wrong.

 

Second highlighted bit.

You are so caught up in it that you don't see the argument.

His wife has no idea he is sneaking off to cheat on her. At the end of his time with you, you know where he is going--back to see her and the kids and have a family life. His choice to leave you alone when it suits him.

The mid week entertainment is over.

If his wife got to know, I think he would be going home to see her every night don't you.

 

I seriously think you need therapy--your views are becoming warped.

[lessonlearnt]

LL, reading your "Still better to be his wife than some dirty little secret that no one knows about eh. And as for the sad generalisations, there is no one sadder and unfulfilled in this triangle than you." Sounds a bit like "pot calling the kettle black", you being an OW for 4 years.

 

 

NearlyThere the difference being that when it was clear he wasn't leaving, I walked away from the affair. So yes I was happy to be his OW for years when I thought there was a chance of being with him full time.

I refused to be "used" while he went back to his wife and effectively chose her over me. Hope you get it now!

[NearlyThere]

NearlyThere the difference being that when it was clear he wasn't leaving, I walked away from the affair. So yes I was happy to be his OW for years when I thought there was a chance of being with him full time.

I refused to be "used" while he went back to his wife and effectively chose her over me. Hope you get it now!

 

Oh, "i get it", however the point is, Frannie does not feel the way that you did and all the while she feels she is happy, it is her choice, not to have someone who has been in the position of being the OW as well taking the moral high ground, telling her she is warped and needs therapy.

[hardcase]

Oh, "i get it", however the point is, Frannie does not feel the way that you did and all the while she feels she is happy, it is her choice, not to have someone who has been in the position of being the OW as well taking the moral high ground, telling her she is warped and needs therapy.

 

You are correct. Maybe Frannie needs to be confronted by the married man's wife face to face.

 

Then the MM better hope the wife doesn't come home after that and grab the biggest frying pan she can find.

[dignityback]

Oh... who said no one could care less about betrayed wives..? Or affected children..? No on on this thread.

 

But the fact that his marriage is shot to pieces and he lies to them all is something I'm not going to lose any more sleep over. After all, if I backed out of this what would really change..? She'll still be married to a man who doesn't love her, and her children will still be watching a couple who have no love for each other.

 

 

Assumptions, assumptions.

If his marriage was shot to pieces there would be noting holding it together.

He has strung you along for 3 years saying he was unhappy and he was probbaly going to leave and then ehn you forcehis hand he;s not going anywhere.

At that point when you panicked that he was going to let you go, suddenly you didn't have the bottle to leave. Suddenly you become happy with your lot. You accept being overlooked as if you won the prize/

 

so you would rather be out on your own on Friday night, enjoying times with her friends. If he was with you you could still do all these things and surely you would prefer that he woke up beide you every morning/

 

He may not love either of you that much which is why is able to keep his two lives separate, but please don't pretend that he has no feelings for his wife. He doesn't have to try very hard to keep you as the OW. Not a criticism just an observation.

 

One thing, does his wife think he stays with a male friend because if she thinks he is in a hotel, she would want to know the name and address wouldn't she? Just trying to figure out how he gets away with her never phoning a land line or how he always makes the phone calls.

It would gaul me that he was phoning home every night and that is when you probably feel like the outsider. It would be different if he was with you because everything would be out in the open.

 

You keep gong on about how he loves you and he has a rotten marriage (words to that effect) but you aren't there.

You say his children are watching a couple who have no love for each other. This is what you would like to believe. You have no idea what his day to day marriage is like. You are not there and never will be in that position ith him. Just because he sleeps with you, doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife. I imagine that things are not as bad at home as he would like you to believe.

 

He really did show you how little he values you when he was prepared to lie about your identity. He knows that there is no chance of you ever being introduced in your own right to his family. That thought would fill him with dread.

 

He has everything in his life-family at home and the compliant undemanding mistress who knows her place--as the lover.

Why would he give that up?

A they say, why buy the cow when you can milk it for free.

[TogetherForever]

Hmmm. And the MM can grow some Ba**s & tell his wife he is leaving her.

 

(To put a different spin on the tone in here)

[dignityback]

You are correct. Maybe Frannie needs to be confronted by the married man's wife face to face.

 

Then the MM better hope the wife doesn't come home after that and grab the biggest frying pan she can find.

 

 

 

 

Frannie doesn't want that because she will be thrown under the bus.

[dignityback]

Hmmm. And the MM can grow some Ba**s & tell his wife he is leaving her.

 

(To put a different spin on the tone in here)

 

 

You are right.

If he wanted her badly enough he would do that.

She doesn't want to accept that fact---excuse after excuse...

Maybe when his youngest kid is 39 he might leave!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Cheating ON me is a whole lot different to cheating. MANY people cheat on their partners... if someone cheated on me, he might be in the majority, but I'm not one to be cheated on. It would be over.

 

I suppose it depends on the individuals interpretation of what constitutes

[EnigmaXOXO]

Cheating ON me is a whole lot different to cheating. MANY people cheat on their partners... if someone cheated on me, he might be in the majority, but I'm not one to be cheated on. It would be over.

 

I suppose it depends on the individuals interpretation of what constitutes “cheating” for them. For instance, if spouse and affair partner are both led to believe by an adulterer that there is a lack of emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy with the partner on the other end, they may BOTH be lulled into believing there is actually no real “cheating” going on. Even if it’s happening right under their noses and seems evident to everyone else except them.

 

When you think about it, ambivalent spouse and hopeful affair partner are really in the same stitch. Even though they will never seem to understand each other’s reasons for tolerating such indignant treatment. It’s as if they fail to see how similar they are to each other. Neither one understanding why the other guy would desire to remain in a relationship with someone who clearly isn’t fully invested in them. Inertia sets in for all parties involved, no one wishing to change the status quo and risk suffering any loss or discomfort.

 

Tragically, it seems all to the “cheaters” benefit.

 

I’d be interested to learn if what defines “cheating” for an individual somehow changes depending on which end of the affair triangle they find themselves on. And does it forever change those perceptions of what constitutes infidelity for them ... or is the concept merely situational, depending on how much pain it costs them personally (???)

[NoIDidn't]

there is a great difference on being with a cheater... is he cheating ON you or cheating to BE with you. Now you may say, oh, he's just a cheater, and of course he is, but if someone cheated ON me he wouldn't be in my life any longer. Cheating on his wife isn't cheating on me. There was not 'gratefulness' of his being a cheater in any sense.

 

This is NOT a response to Frannie, before she (Frannie) or anyone else claims it is. Its a general response to a general OW thought pattern.

 

Its always interesting, even amusing, to see how the OW thinks that someone cheating to BE with them makes them special or makes it love or makes it true love.

 

I don't want anyone lying to someone else to BE with me. I don't need anyone robbing Peter (his W) to pay Paul (me). My worth in a relationship will NOT EVER be determined by how much my guy has to go through to BE with me.

 

I'm sorry, but that is NOT a compliment by a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG shot.

[Ripples]

Very good point, very well put, NID.

 

A man who will cheat, is a man with no integrity. I wouldn't want a man like that in my life.

[NoIDidn't]

And before that comments starts a whole firestorm, I need to add.

 

I do agree that there is a definite difference in the position that one finds themself in concerning a cheater. However, one position is still not better than the other. One just gets the benefit of knowing when the cheating is being done.

 

The person with the best view, of course, is still the cheater.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Absolutely the most insightful and bang on post I've read in days!

 

 

I suppose it depends on the individuals interpretation of what constitutes “cheating” for them. For instance, if spouse and affair partner are both led to believe by an adulterer that there is a lack of emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy with the partner on the other end, they may BOTH be lulled into believing there is actually no real “cheating” going on. Even if it’s happening right under their noses and seems evident to everyone else except them.

 

When you think about it, ambivalent spouse and hopeful affair partner are really in the same stitch. Even though they will never seem to understand each other’s reasons for tolerating such indignant treatment. It’s as if they fail to see how similar they are to each other. Neither one understanding why the other guy would desire to remain in a relationship with someone who clearly isn’t fully invested in them. Inertia sets in for all parties involved, no one wishing to change the status quo and risk suffering any loss or discomfort.

 

Tragically, it seems all to the “cheaters” benefit.

 

I’d be interested to learn if what defines “cheating” for an individual somehow changes depending on which end of the affair triangle they find themselves on. And does it forever change those perceptions of what constitutes infidelity for them ... or is the concept merely situational, depending on how much pain it costs them personally (???)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I’d be interested to learn if what defines “cheating” for an individual somehow changes depending on which end of the affair triangle they find themselves on. And does it forever change those perceptions of what constitutes infidelity for them ... or is the concept merely situational, depending on how much pain it costs them personally (???)

 

 

I believe the concept is sometimes situational. I started a thread a month or so ago about BS's who go on to become OW. I had heard of a good number of cases personally and asked it of the board. We only had a handful though, maybe 4 bs who became OW respond.

[Impudent Oyster]

I don't want anyone lying to someone else to BE with me. I don't need anyone robbing Peter (his W) to pay Paul (me). My worth in a relationship will NOT EVER be determined by how much my guy has to go through to BE with me.

 

I'm sorry, but that is NOT a compliment by a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG shot.

 

Very, very true! A real compliment is if someone respects you enough to make you the only woman before you get involved, in other words, that he end his current relationship and doesn't expect you to be his woman on the side. I would never, ever become involved with a man who disrespected me so much by wanting or expecting me to be an OW.

 

I can't even imagine lowering myself like that, especially for someone who is lying to his wife!

[NoIDidn't]

When you think about it, ambivalent spouse and hopeful affair partner are really in the same stitch. Even though they will never seem to understand each other’s reasons for tolerating such indignant treatment. It’s as if they fail to see how similar they are to each other. Neither one understanding why the other guy would desire to remain in a relationship with someone who clearly isn’t fully invested in them. Inertia sets in for all parties involved, no one wishing to change the status quo and risk suffering any loss or discomfort.

 

 

I totally missed this as I responded before continuing to the end of the thread. I mostly agree with you, though.

 

The cheaters do indeed wonder why their cheating partner is in the relationship when they really aren't getting all that they are entitled to in a relationship. Many OPs here have written just that in their posts. The "You can do better" "You can find someone that can treat you the way you deserve to be treated", et al.

 

But the OPs are busy thinking that they are only accepting less temporarily. The OPs are just waiting for a full investment. The MP isn't giving a full investment and isn't planning to in most instances. The OP is hoping for more, not so much accepting less - at least they don't see it as accepting less until D-day.

 

To get back to Frannie's sitch (Hi frannie), he isn't investing fully in their A. He was willing to walk away COMPLETELY, so it cannot be assumed that he is invested at all if his only offer was "affair or nothing".

[Impudent Oyster]

Frannie, your MM chose to stay in his marriage and you've agreed to continue the affair?

 

Why would you sell yourself short like that? Don't you deserve to be someone's only woman?

[Tomcat33]

This is NOT a response to Frannie, before she (Frannie) or anyone else claims it is. Its a general response to a general OW thought pattern.

 

Its always interesting, even amusing, to see how the OW thinks that someone cheating to BE with them makes them special or makes it love or makes it true love.

 

I don't want anyone lying to someone else to BE with me. I don't need anyone robbing Peter (his W) to pay Paul (me). My worth in a relationship will NOT EVER be determined by how much my guy has to go through to BE with me.

 

.

 

Very good point and I especially loved the:

I don't want anyone lying to someone else to BE with me

part. Such a good point!!!

 

Speaking only from experience I think that when the OP is in the situation that she has to "overlook" a lot of the traditional values and hardcore moral inclinations one might have had up until the point one is involved with an unattached person, the rules change in such a way that we tend to mold and change the regidity of our values for the sake of this new and very particular cisrcumstance.

 

I still battle to this day with "was it all a lie or was I living the circumstance of something that happend ramdomely to two people who were pretty straight in terms of what they gave and expected out of relationships. Though I can see things differnetly now, I also know that in the moment and given what I lived the moment seemed very real. It seemed like was two souls that found one another in a the worst possible circumstance, in a circumstance where one of those souls was not in any shape way or form ready to take on yet another love tie.

 

I know it's hard to digest looking at it from the outside but you really cannot appreciate the intensity of the situation unless you lived it. There is such a fine line between what is real and what is uterly and completely fantasty that I think that is hardest pill to swallow once the A is done. Was it real or not?

 

So it's not that OW/OM trust a lying scumbag because it's with THEM, at the time the OW/OM does not beleive that the cheater is a lying scumbag it's not so cut and dry, and a lot of emotions are taken into account along with the fact that you are in love. I think a lot of it is confusion more than anything so we tend to give these people we get involved with the benefit of the doubt (of course I am seaking from a firt and only experience). In all honesty I can't say I totally regret my involvement with my ex guy but on the same token moving forward I would NEVER EVER allow myself to fall into the same trap again. It's just not worth all the mental craziness it generates.