You say "goodbye"...I say "hello..."

[Tormented]

Remember that old Beatle song..."you say goodbye, I say hello." Well, that pretty much sums up what's going on between my ex and I.

 

As I said in my post "Ex revisited," I spent a brief time with my ex a few weeks ago and discovered that I truly have moved on and feel much better after doing so. We talked (in GREAT length) about our relationship, what brought on its demise, how we've been since then...yada yada.

 

I walked away from our little get-together with a feeling of finality - definite closure. And I thought he had reached this same conclusion...that although we loved each other deeply at one time, there were far too many issues to ever try again. And that was that.

 

Then - I got a call from him last Tuesday night. He told me that he wants to see me again, even if it is the last time we ever meet, because he's got something more to say to me that he didn't say the last time we saw each other.

 

I told him I didn't see the point in it, that all that needs to be said has been said and it was time to walk away for good. I told him I was completely satisfied that it could never work out between us and the healthy thing for us both would be to look forward to the future.

 

He said..."I'm not done with this chapter yet." Those were his exact words..."not done with this chapter yet."

 

Huh???

 

I'm fairly certain I was clear that it was over, that there is nothing left for us in this relationship, and he didn't argue with this.

 

So...why in the hell would he call me, requesting that we meet up for "another talk," explaining that he "isn't done with this chapter yet?"

 

Can anybody here take a stab at what he means by this???

 

Wierd....

 

~T~

[nittygritty]

I had something like this happen this week with an ex boyfriend.

 

He wanted us to still keep in touch and stay friends. I said that I couldn't anymore. He was the dumper and every time he contacted me I would think he had changed his mind.

 

Your thread title pretty much sums up how my relationship with this ex is.

 

I think that your ex is still trying to leave the door open in case he decides he wants to be with you again.

 

I also think that it is a control thing. He wants to be the one to call all the shots. Its not over until he decides, kind of thing.

 

I think that you should tell him that its over for you and let it go.

[CaliGuy]

Yep. He wants to leave the door open. You'd be his "plan b."

 

If you're OK with that, be his friend.

[norajane]

So...why in the hell would he call me, requesting that we meet up for "another talk," explaining that he "isn't done with this chapter yet?"

It could Thomas Dolby instead of the Beatles:

But the hardest words I know

Are I love you goodbye

I love you goodbye

 

He's got something more to say before he can say goodbye. So let him say it, be honest about your feelings again, and give him his closure.

[Tormented]

I also think that it is a control thing. He wants to be the one to call all the shots. Its not over until he decides, kind of thing.

 

I think that you should tell him that its over for you and let it go.

 

I think you're spot on here. My ex is a control-freak, one of the several reasons that caused our split, and I've no doubt that my decision to walk away has played havoc on his Texas-sized ego. It would be just like him to "have the last say." Pretty pathetic when you think about it.

 

You know, I've thought about this for awhile last night and reached the conclusion that another meeting isn't necessary. I have absolutely NO intention of going back with him, regardless of what he has to say, so why bother? Enough is enough.

 

Some exes make it hard, don't they???

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Yep. He wants to leave the door open. You'd be his "plan b."

 

If you're OK with that, be his friend.

 

You know, I thought about this and you could very well be right here. Except, when an ex tells you straight-up that it's over (as I have done), how in the world can he think that he can keep me in the "plan B" jar under those circumstances?

 

But then, we ARE speaking of a man with a HUGE ego, who, most likely, is striving to keep it from getting bruised.

 

"I'm not done with this chapter."

 

Oh, Lord...gimme a break!

 

~T~

[underpants]

Tor,

 

You most certainly do not owe this guy anything. I am glad he acknowledged what he did and is sorry for it. Whether it is enough for him to really grow and change his character for the better, well who knows. You tried and you did the best you could do in the face of every challenge his character and actions put on you. You rock and I think he realizes this ...too little too late.

 

Another meeting with him will just be another meeting with him. Keeping the door ajar. This if anything plants a seed of possibility, no matter how small, preventing you from being able to give fully in a next relationship when that possibility might arrive...this for him too, but I don't like him very much....he hurt you and that is good enough for me.

 

Yes, some exes make it very hard. Mine arrogantly said that I should be his friend no matter what. No apoligies, no acknowlegments, just "whatever". Well, I would hope a true friend would have a little more integrity and respect. Even when he was faced with being treated just as he treated me, I did break NC to ask him if it was worth it he gave some short vague response as to all things being worth it. I took it as a resounding yes and again a confirmation of someone unfortunately unable to be a good friend. Apparently he has a long history of hurting his friends, and they eventually forgive him so I guess it makes his misdeeds 'okay' in his mind. My ex pushed and pushed this 'friendship' issue (minus any apoligies for very obvious deceptions, even when called on it by lots of people), he sublty stalked, he emailed, he left gifts. I finally made up a new boyfriend and that did it. I guess sadly I have met a true coward, how unfortunate for him.

 

I wouldn't meet up with him you have your answers.

 

Making the choice to invite an unhealthy influence out of your life is just as important as inviting in the good.

 

Heres to better choices for us both girl.

[Tormented]

He's got something more to say before he can say goodbye. So let him say it, be honest about your feelings again, and give him his closure.

 

You know, we spent 2 weekends together talking, in great depth, about our relationship, the issues within it that caused the permanent split, the feelings/pain that it caused us, and what we've done with out lives since then. In fact, there wasn't ANY ground we didn't cover, so why he elected to "withhold" anything during that time, but has NOW chosen to "say his piece" is beyond me. THEN was the time to come out with it.

 

I have given it serious thought about meeting up with him once again to let him have his say, but at this point I'm beginning to feel that it is a manipulative maneuver on his part to suck me back in...to keep this thing dragged out.

 

And I think he's doing it for 2 reasons:

 

1.) To remain in control of our (non-existent) relationship, to have the last say - to "even" the score, per se.

 

2.) It's as Cali said...that he'd like to keep me around for "plan b." Yeah, like that would ever happen!

 

I know this man all to well and I know without a doubt that one of the above is his agenda for another meeting, if not both, in which case I am NOT interested.

 

Whatever he has to say he could have said it then. Nope, the more I think about it, the more I think it's best to ignore his request and move on.

 

After all, it's been 9 months now...enough!

 

~T~

[CaliGuy]

You know, I thought about this and you could very well be right here. Except, when an ex tells you straight-up that it's over (as I have done), how in the world can he think that he can keep me in the "plan B" jar under those circumstances?

 

But then, we ARE speaking of a man with a HUGE ego, who, most likely, is striving to keep it from getting bruised.

 

"I'm not done with this chapter."

 

Oh, Lord...gimme a break!

 

~T~

 

As long as you are "friends" he will always think the door is open. If it's over for good then there's no need to be his friend.

 

He's not done with this chapter simply because he doesn't want to be brushed aside. Yes, it's an ego bruise to him but again, if you really believe it's over then there's nothing to be gained for either of you by being friends.

[CaliGuy]

After all, it's been 9 months now...enough!

 

~T~

 

Post that somewhere in writing where you can refer to it when he does attempt to contact you

[nittygritty]

I think you're spot on here. My ex is a control-freak, one of the several reasons that caused our split, and I've no doubt that my decision to walk away has played havoc on his Texas-sized ego. It would be just like him to "have the last say." Pretty pathetic when you think about it.

 

You know, I've thought about this for awhile last night and reached the conclusion that another meeting isn't necessary. I have absolutely NO intention of going back with him, regardless of what he has to say, so why bother? Enough is enough.

 

Some exes make it hard, don't they???

 

~T~

 

 

Yes, some exes are more difficult to let go of. Even though I was able to give you advice it is still hard for me take my own advice with mine.

 

The hardest part for me has been accepting that I can't have any contact with him. My ex moved so that made it easier and since he dumped me I certainly have never gone out of my way to contact him. I have dated other men since he left but for whatever reason still never let go of this relationship. Probably from staying in contact.

 

I have seen him a few times since he moved (big mistake) and he has always called or emailed me at different times.The pattern is the same each time we are in contact. He reels me in. I take the bait and he disappears once he knows I still have feelings for him.

 

I quit responding a few months ago when I started posting on LS and he really has went into hot pursuit mode. (has not moved back, of course, mainly lip service) Recently I responded to one of his emails with something like "I love you way too much..." and sure enough in his typical fashion he quickly retreated and wrote back a one liner and did his usual houdini act. I knew thats what would happen but it still smarts nonetheless.

 

Go to Kelly Clarkson's myspace and listen to her new song "Never Again" is a much more empowering song than "You say goodbye and I say hello".

 

For what its worth, I think you made the right decision.

 

Stay Strong and Take Care

[2ndIINone]

He said..."I'm not done with this chapter yet." Those were his exact words..."not done with this chapter yet."

 

the 'chapter' he is referring to is the 'relationship' itself... NOT the friendship.

 

If he simply wanted to remain friends then he would've said so... it's that simple... "I want friendship and you in my life still..."

 

I walked away from our little get-together with a feeling of finality - definite closure. And I thought he had reached this same conclusion

 

Negative.... he didn't reach it quite yet.

[Tormented]

 

 

Apparently he has a long history of hurting his friends, and they eventually forgive him so I guess it makes his misdeeds 'okay' in his mind. My ex pushed and pushed this 'friendship' issue (minus any apoligies for very obvious deceptions, even when called on it by lots of people), he sublty stalked, he emailed, he left gifts.

 

I wouldn't meet up with him you have your answers.

 

Heres to better choices for us both girl.

 

Undie...your above statement really struck a cord with me because my ex did the same thing. Made numerous "silent" calls to my house and cell, drove through my neighborhood more times than I care to count, called me with fake "persona's," went to my son's place of employment...even called my mother's house asking for me but didn't identify himself. So yeah, stalking was a sport he was good at.

 

Also, like your ex, mine has a way of driving people out of his life as well. He beat his father almost to death about 6 years ago and did jail time for that. He's got a sister who won't even talk to him. He has one good friend - the other he attempts to claim as one is only a "friendly acquaintance" he works with and nothing more. His ex wife, as well as most his ex girlfriends, want nothing to do with him. And he's got a 12-year-old daughter who visits him during the summer.

 

And there you have it...the small circle of people in his life.

 

Why?

 

Because he does hurtful things to people, uses them even, and see's absolutely NOTHING wrong with this. In fact, he's quick to point the finger at others, refuses to take responsibility for HIS part in the demise of his relationships (ALL relationships), and will turn his back on people the minute something else comes along that he THINKS will gain him more or better. He can be incredibly crass and insensitive in his dealings with people and then wonders why others avoid him. Yet, here he is, in his early 40's and STILL doesn't get it.

 

Case in point: You know the history between he and I, Undie. You know he lied to me, cheated on me with an ex that one can hardly call human. A woman he CLAIMED to have hated - yet, the minute she tossed him a crumb he immediately turned his back on me and jumped on it. Pathetic. THEN - while she is living with him, he continues to attempt contacting me, stalking me, etc.

 

Okay...so during our talk a few weeks ago, when the subject arose he quickly tried to change the subject, told me how sorry he was but if I truly loved him, I'd "forgive" him. EXCUSE ME??? Love him? Hardly! Forgive him? Perhaps...but I'd NEVER forget what he did, nor would I ever trust him again. Hence, my decision to get the closure I needed and move on.

 

And now he has the nerve to say..."I'm not done with this chapter yet."

 

Yeah, well...hope he has fun wading through this chapter by himself because because it will be MINUS the main character...ME.

 

I've thought about this for a few days now, and the more I think about it, the more irritated I become by it. The arrogance of it is absolutely unbelievable.

 

I told him in a voice mail that I will not be meeting with him again, wished him well, and hung up.

 

Haven't heard from him since.

 

Doesn't mean I wont, though. This is a man who doesn't give up easily.

 

Which begs the question: Is he THAT stubborn, or THAT dumb???

 

~T~

[Tormented]

He's not done with this chapter simply because he doesn't want to be brushed aside. Yes, it's an ego bruise to him but again, if you really believe it's over then there's nothing to be gained for either of you by being friends.

 

Exactly, Cali.

 

My primary reason...my ONLY reason...for agreeing to meet with my ex was to gain some answers to questions that continued to gnaw at me. However, I went in knowing that there was a good possibility he wouldn't provide me with the truth, but I thought it was worth a shot anyway.

 

I did get some answers...some were plausible, others I knew were BS the minute he uttered them, but I took what I could and then - I was done.

 

I didn't pull any punches with him. I told him closure was what I was after and nothing more. How he could misconstrue my intentions for our meeting is baffling. As selfish as this may be...I got what I wanted and now I am done.

 

No, there won't be a friendship. You see, I lost a lot of trust and respect for him as a "person," not just a lover. He now lacks the qualities I seek in people before I befriend them.

 

He lied to me, he cheated on me, he betrayed me.

 

I, on the other hand, was faithful, truthful, and never betrayed him.

 

So what have I lost? Nothing.

 

What has he lost? Everything.

 

I win.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

The pattern is the same each time we are in contact. He reels me in. I take the bait and he disappears once he knows I still have feelings for him.

 

For all I know, this may be my exes agenda as well. Hoping to reel me in so *he* can be the one to "walk away." Lord knows he's spiteful enough with the huge ego he possesses.

 

If that's the case, then he must be a very frustrated man these days because I will NOT give him that opportunity. My hope is that he'll eventually give it up (whatever it is he's after) and move on with his life.

 

Kudos to you for refusing to take the bait anymore. Let him find another sucker to inflate his sagging ego.

 

And the sad part? There's a lot of "suckers" in this world to choose from and people like him will always find one.

 

But at least it won't be YOU!

 

Chin up, girl.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

the 'chapter' he is referring to is the 'relationship' itself... NOT the friendship.

 

If he simply wanted to remain friends then he would've said so... it's that simple... "I want friendship and you in my life still..."

 

 

 

Negative.... he didn't reach it quite yet.

 

Yeah, I'm getting that. Well, I guess I already knew what he meant by it but thought I'd throw it out here to see if other's took it the same way as I.

 

I'm not going to fool myself into believing that he's hanging on out of "undying love for me." No...he's looking to "even the score." I've watched him do it to others he felt "wronged" him, and never once did he feel remourse for the bad he's done. Instead, he chooses to justify his "dirty deeds" as something THEY deserved, and even took pride in the fact that he "got back at them."

 

Yep, a real piece of work, isn't he?

 

Which makes me wonder....WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING when I got involved with this jerk???

 

::::shudder::::

 

~T~